The female officer: or the humours of the army, a comedy. Altered from Shadwell.

[Page]

THE FEMALE OFFICER, OR THE HUMOURS of the ARMY, A COMEDY.

Altered from SHADWELL.

DUBLIN: Printed by JAMES HOEY, at the Mercury [...] Skinner-Row, MDCC LXIII.

Dramatis Perſonae.

[Page]

MEN.

  • Major O'ROURK, Mr. BARRY.
  • Brigadier CONQUEST, Mr. HEAPHY.
  • Colonel MAGKENTOSH, Mr. GLOVER.
  • Major CADWALLADER, Mr. MESSINK.
  • Captain WILDISH, Mr. REDDISH.
  • Captain HEARTY, Mr. HEATTON.
  • WILLMOT, Mr. T. BARRY.
  • Major BUCK, Mr. AUSTIN.
  • SURLY, Mr. MORRIS.
  • Enſign RAGG, Mr. OLIVER.
  • Enſign STANDARD, Mr. ADCOCK.
  • BISKETT, Mr. HARTRY.
  • Serjeant FILE-OFF, Mr. SPARKS.
  • Captain LA CUNETTE, Mr. HAMILTON.

WOMEN.

  • Mrs. CONQUEST, Mrs. ADCOCK.
  • VICTORIA, Mrs. BARRY.
  • LUCINDA, Miſs MASON.
  • CLARA, Miſs WILLIS.
  • The FEMALE OFFICER, Mrs. DANCER.

SOLDIERS, TRULLS, &c, &c.

1. The HUMOURS of the ARMY.

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1.1. ACT I.

SCENE The CAMP.
Enter Captain Hearty, and Captain Wildiſh.
Hearty. A Good Day to my dear Friend, what News have you?
Wildiſh. I have been with the General to reconnoitre the Enemy, they have not diſturb'd our Foragers, but lie within their own Camp very quiet.
Heart. Sure if the Marquiſs De Bay had a true Intelligence of the Weakneſs of our Intrenchments, and the Mortality of our Men, he would have attack'd us before now.
Wild. In all the Campaigns I have ſerved on theſe Frontiers, I never knew it ſo ſickly; the General continues very much out of Order at Eſtremoz, they think both the Major Generals will die, and my Brigadier was carried to Elvas laſt Night.
Heart. Then at preſent Brigadier General Conqueſt commands our Forces.
Wild. Moſt certainly.
Heart. The Death of half a Dozen of theſe great Men, would make a fine Alteration in our Titles.
Wild. I will aſſure you, Brigadier General Conqueſt could obſerve you were not at his Levee this Morning.
Heart. Why? I was upon the Piquet where you know, Drinking hard is the main Part of the Duty—beſides, I never appear at the General's but upon Buſineſs, for I can't ſlatter, and have a Stiffneſs between my Shoulders, that makes me incapable of Bowing low; [Page 2] the Noiſe of the Peace gives me no proſpect of riſing, being pretty well aſſured the youngeſt Captain of an old Regiment, muſt wait for another War to get a better Title.
Wild. Why? I was once of the Gang of thoſe ſilly Fellows, whoſe Ambition climb'd no higher than a Company in an old Regiment, which gave me a very diſtant Proſpect of being provided for in Peace, when 'twas fifty to one I was knock'd on the Head before the War was over.
Heart. Human Nature has always imprinted in us a Deſire for Something above us, ſo gives us a Rotation of Uneaſineſs; and ſcarce in an Age do we meet with a Man that ſits down pleaſed with his Condition, but we all lay Schemes, and make the preſent Time a Plague to us, in ſeeking after the next Plague, which is ſtill to make us but the more miſerable
Wild. The Fever, or the Bullet converts us to Duſt and Aſhes, and our next Heirs are left at Liberty to play the Fool after the ſame Manner; but hang theſe diſmal Reflections.
Heart. Is there no Courier from Lisbon, or News of a Packet from England.
Wild. We hourly expect one—ſince our Forces have been ill, the Portugueze avoid us, and what is ſtrange, none of their Men have the Diſtemper amongſt them.
Heart. Their Beads, the Prieſt's Bleſſing, and their Garlick are ſtrong Preſervatives of Health—But ſee, either my Sight fails me, or that Officer coming this Way, is my dear Major Buck.
Wild. And with him a clever Parcel of Recruits.
Heart. They come to our Regiment very apropos, for we have ſcarce Men enough to mount the Guard.
Enter Major Buck, Wilmot in Granadier's Cloaths, Serjeant File-off, ſeveral other Recruits with two Soldier's Wives.
Major Buck. Dear Charles!
Heart. Dear Major!
Major Buck. Dear Frank (to Wildiſh,) I'm intirely yours!
[Page 3] Wild Dear Boy! I'm over-joy'd to ſee you well.
Major Buck. I am very much ſurpriz'd to find you ſo; for on our March, we heard a raging Sickneſs had ſwept moſt of you away.
Wild. The Diſtemper and falſe Muſters have taken off moſt of our Men; but prithee what news from England? I know thou art a conciſe pretty Fellow, that can abbreviate an Account, without giving us Cauſe to aſk impertinent Queſtions.
Major Buck. I left all our Friends well at London, paid my Taylor's Bill, which was due laſt Voyage, adjuſted my Accounts with our Rogue of an Agent, gave Security to St. Martin's Pariſh for my Waſherwoman's Baſtard, mounted my Poſt-Horſe at Noon-Day, reach'd Falmouth the Moment the Mercury, honeſt Captain Green, was failing, which had on Board my ſtrapping Recruits, reached Lisbon in five Days; and after a fatiguing March of ten more, am this moment arrived to my great Satisfaction, having met with my two beſt Friends.
Heart. Well, But prithee—
(pulling him.)
Wild. P'ſhaw Hearty! Hold thy Tongue, and let me aſk him ſome Queſtions—
(pulling him.)
Major Buck. Looky' Gentlemen! Theſe hailing Digreſſions of yours will very much prolong the Time my Story might be told in; come not within Arm's Length of me, and I will give you all the News, all the Scandal, all the Faſhions and all the Pleaſures of the Town.
Heart. and Wild. Agreed then.
Major Buck. Firſt I left our Royal Miſtreſs in a very good State of Health, reigning intirely in the Hearts of her People, whoſe Repreſentatives are doing Wonders; and by their well timed Zeal, and vaſt Supplies, ſhew the World they are ſtill able to Balance Europe's Power?
Heart. and Wild. Very good.
Major Buck. The Taxes are paid chearfully, there's no Diſcount upon Exchequer Bills, and honeſt Soldiers are truſted by every Body. St James's Coffee-Houſe is full of grave Stateſmen, whimſical Gentry, and coxcombly Phyſicians. Young Man's is filled with Military [Page 4] Beau's Sea Gentlemen, and Admiralty Clerks. Garraway's with Knaves, Aldermen, Agents, Commiſſioners of Exciſe, and now and then a ſtraggling Beau. And the Court of Requeſt with Country Gentlemen, Petitioners, Freeholders, Sheriffs, and Politicians that hate Buſineſs. The Women of Quality have that diſcerning Taſte of good Senſe, that they always crowd the front Boxes at a good Play: And our rakelly young Fellows, live as much by their Wits as ever; and to avoid the clinkling Dun of a Box-keeper, at the End of one Act, they Sneak to the oppoſite Side 'till the End of another; then call the Box-keeper ſaucy Raſcal, ridicule the Poet, laugh at the Actors, march to the Opera, and ſpunge away the reſt of the Evening. The Women of the Town take their Places in the Pit, with their wonted Aſſurance. The middle Gallery is filled with the middle Part of the City: And your high exalted Galleries are graced with handſom Footmen, that wear their Maſter's Linen, and their Miſtreſſes Favours.
Wild. P'thaw! Theſe are Generals, make haſte and come to Particulars.
Major Buck. Why! About three Months ſince in a Rencounter with a Lady, I got a Wound in my Conſtitution, which was patched up by Bucheir.
Heart. With whoſe help, I ſuppoſe, you ſlatter yourſelf you are ſound.
Major Buck. As a military Conſtitution can be: In ſhort I levee'd all the Generals, and riſing Stateſmen, I taked and broke Windows, talk'd Politicks, beat the Watch, and bilk'd Coachmen, went into Mourning for my Father, and was drawn into half a Dozen Duels on my Friends Account, and kill'd no Body, won Money at Gaming, and yet uſed no falſe Dice; I went through all the Pleaſures of the Town, without being a Bubble to any of them; ſaw all the handſome Women, without falling in Love; and am come to ſerve under our General without Reluctancy.
Wild. Mighty conciſe truly.
Heart. Our Regiment is incamped on the Right of the Rear Line; you had beſt give Order, that your Men pitch your Tent next mine.
[Page 5] Major Buck. My Baggage will be here immediately.
Wild. Are there any new Faſhions?
Major Buck. This is my laſt new Coat, made exactly after the Manner of Beau Whimſey's: This is the ſmart new faſhion Cock — and this is the genteel walking Air; we ſalute thus—we ogle as we us'd to do; we have cut off all the ſuperſtitious Ceremonies that attended our Love Paſſions, improve every Opportunity, come ſlap daſh Alamode de Paris to the Queſtion at once; give the Women no Time to think of the Spirit, and you are ſure of their Perſons.
Heart. Who came over in the Packet with you?
Major Buck. Half a Dozen very wretched Volunteers, with prodigious ſtrong Recommendations; and a Couple of ſmall Ware Pedlars, who call themſelves Lisbon Merchants, of whom I bought theſe Baubles.
Enter as from Horſeback, Victoria and Belinda.
Vict. Did you obſerve, Belinda, the profound Reſpect we were received with, as we rid along the Line; my Spaniſh Jennet, was himſelf proud of my Father's Commanding the Britiſh Forces, and carried me with an Air of Greatneſs.
Bel. I never ſaw the Brigadier look better than he does to Day, the Morning is extreamly fine.
Vict. I think our whole Family are pretty well ſeaſoned with the Country, and could I diſengage myſelf from the mean ſpirited Creature my Father has provided for a Huſband, you and I ſhould paſs our Time moſt pleaſantly.
Bel. Prithee pluck up a Spirit, and tell him down right; you won't be married.
Vict. He has been in every thing elſe the beſt of Fathers, and if poſſible, I'll ſtrive to oblige him in this; though, if it were not for my Mother's violence, I believe I might perſuade him from it, (eſpying Major Buck.) Dear Child, what pretty Fellow is that with Wildiſh and Hearty?
Bel. 'Tis Major Buck—I ſuppoſe juſt arrived from England, he will be the Talk of the Camp for one Month.
Vict. Prithee, why ſo?
[Page 6] Bel. For rakiſh Exploits—in Lisbon every Street us'd to be alarm'd by him; his Father died ſince he has been in England, and has left him a thouſand Pounds a Year, which will give him the Opportunity of committing a Thouſand more Vices than he us'd to do.
Vict. He's really a pretty Fellow, Why could not my Father have picked out ſuch a Man for me.
Bel. Oh fie, Child! He's the wickedeſt young Fellow in the World, and won't ſuffer any Body to ſpeak in the Behalf of a virtuous Woman.
Vict. If he is a Man of Senſe that Wildneſs and Gayety will wear off.
Bel. Oh! Never! Never! He's a nauſeous Fellow, I can't help thinking the Santiſta, Mr. Bisket, a much more agreeable Man than he.
Vict. Now you rally me Belinda, I am but juſt come to bear the fight of him, and fear I never can be brought to like him.
Bel. Mr. Bisket's aſſable Temper and good Nature, will ſoon work upon you.
The Gentlemen talk.
Wild. Theſe are pretty Baubles for a Man of an Eſtate to Murder Money with?
Heart. Very pretty Trifles truly.
Major Buck. What charming Creatures are theſe?
Heart. One is your old Friend Belinda, the Daughter of your late Colonel, who left her to the Care of the Brigadier: And the other is Brigadier General Conqueſt's Daughter, who with her Mother was ſent for from Lisbon on his late Illneſs; they ſay ſhe is to be married to Mr. Bisket, the Santiſta, who ſupplies the Army with Bread and Forage.
Major Buck. I proteſt ſhe has fine brilliant piercing Eyes, and therefore I'll forbid the Banes; ſhe gives me a pretty thrilling Pain about my Heart; ſhe ſets my Soul on Fire, and I muſt have her: Serjeant, prepare the Men for an Attack, I am reſolved to countermine Bisket, blow up all his Outworks, and take that fair Citadel Sword in Hand.
Wild. Moſt heroickly expreſs'd.
Major Buck. Now will I fix myſelf in a very languiſhing Poſture, fire both my Eyes at her, and I'll lay my [Page 7] Life on't, one of them ſhall do Execution in ſome Corner of her Heart; ha, Faith ſhe returns the Ogle! I am ſure ſhe muſt be a Prize— (Kiſſes her Hand.) Oh theſe dear charming Eyes have captivated my very Soul!
Heart. Prithee be more modeſt, conſider her Father is your General.
(Holding him.)
Bel. Impudent Creature to take no Notice of me. (Aſide.) (Victoria.) Did you ever ſee any Thing ſo ſaucy?
Vict. Nor ſo agreeable, upon my Word.
Bel. Why! Sure you can't like ſo profligate a Fellow!
Vict. I am not deſperately in Love with him, but ſhould not be mighty uneaſy were he to deliver me from my frightful Coxcomb.
Bel. Why, It was but this Moment you were talking of Duty and Gratitude to Parents.
Vict. It's probable, the next Moment I ſhall talk of them again; but, Child, I'm Fleſh and Blood, and a handſome young Fellow, will give me ſome fluttering Airs, and a Palpitation about my Heart, in ſpite of my Duty and reſigned Will.
Bel. He's a ſatyrical ugly Fellow that writes Lampoons; I was ſorry to ſee you return his Ogle, in a Week's Time, he'll ſwear he has been intriguing with you.
Vict. That certainly will ſecure my Reputation; for you and I know, what a Red Coat ſays of our Sex goes for Nothing.
Bel. I'm vex'd to ſee her have ſo little Spleen; (Aſide.) come, Victoria, your Mother expects us to drink Tea with her.
Vict. One look more and I go.
Bel. Faugh upon the Fellow.
(Exeunt Women.)
Wild. So, very well, you have drove 'em away; I ſuppoſe they'll tell the Mother of your Rudeneſs, ſhe acquaints the Brigadier General, he ſends you out upon the next dangerous Attack, and off goes a Cannon, and a pretty Fellow within half a Minute of one another.
[Page 8] Major Buck. Why? that very Accident will prove I died for Love of her.
Heart. Ergo, your ſaucy Love was the Occaſion of your Death.
Major Buck. But prithee. Wildiſh, doeſt thou believe when I ſhall have aquainted the General with the Death of my Father, that my Eſtate will not be a more prevailing Argument, than Bisket's Riches?
Wild. No! The old Woman hates a Soldier, and the Brigadier General loves Money ſo much, that I believe he cannot have the Heart to part with any to his Daughter; they ſay all Things are agreed on, and he is expected up from Lisbon on purpoſe to marry her.
Heart. He is to give her no Money, and the Lover has ſent her Silk for Wedding Cloaths.
Major Buck. Heark'e I'll take her ſtark Naked, and ſettle all I have upon her! I'll immediately go to the General, I have a Packet for him.
Wild. 'Tis your Duty to acquaint him with your Arrival, and you muſt give in a liſt of your Recruits.
Heart. I warrant you imagine all thoſe tall handſome Fellows muſt be Part of your Company.
Major Buck. Moſt certainly.
Wild. No, no, The Regiment is to draw Cuts for them; therefore if you have any Fancy to a particular Man, write Servant againſt him in the Liſt.
Major Buck. Why, I have one clever Fellow, I ſhould be much concerned ſhould I loſe him. March forward, Straitup.
Wild. A well built Fellow of Ireland, I ſuppoſe?
Wil. No, Sir—I'm of England.
Heart. The Fellow has the Air and Mein of a Gentleman.
Wil. (Aſide.) I'm ſorry he thinks ſo.
Wild. What was the Reaſon of your coming into the Army, Friend?
Wil. Why, Sir, Beſides, having had a Baſtard laid to me, I had committed ſome Roguery in the Country, was afraid of being hanged, and ſo liſted myſelf for a Soldier.
[Page 9] Wild. Which, Friend, is only a Reprieve from Death, and the next Attack may ſign your dead Warrant.
Heart. If this Fellow falls to my Lot, I'll make a Corporal of him.
Wild. Were he mine, I'd give him Serjeant's Pay, and his Duty ſhould be Combing my Wigs, and Pimping for me.
Major Buck. The Account he gives you of himſelf is fictitious, and I am informed by his Comrades, he has ſomething of the Gentleman in him; for he lifts up his Eyes when they ſteal a Pig, cut the Throat of a Portugueſe, or build a Sconce.
Heart. Heark'e, Friend; if you have any Notion of Conſcience, you had better have ſtaid in England to have been lawfully hanged.
Wild. See yonder's the General alighted from his Horſe. That Portugueſe Nobleman's Houſe is his Quarters.
Major Buck Serjeant, march the Men to yonder Gate, Come, my Friends, will you introduce me?
Wild. and Heart. With all our Hearts.
Exeunt.
File off. Fall into the Rank, you.
Wil. Oh! for a happy Hour to encounter the Enemy in, that I may be rid of this weary Load of Clay, which clings round my Immortal Soul.
Fill off. Fall back you—Silence there—Heark'e, Women, be dumb, or you ſhall all be muſter'd as Harlots—whipt out of the Camp, without the Preferment of being made Nurſes to the Hoſpital.
1ſt Soldier's-Wife. Why, Serjeant, you ſhall be Judge now; this ragged face Huſſey here, has the Aſſurance to ſay, that ſhe is more my Huſband's lawful Wife than I.
2d Soldier's-Wife. Your Huſband! that's confident indeed. Have not I lain with him the whole March? Carried his Knapſack from Lisbon? And what is the main Sign of a Wife, but doing all his Drudgery? Nay, and to prove I am ſo, not one Day has paſt over his Head, but he has beat me.
File-off. A very convincing proof of conjugal Love. Therefore, Mrs. Sneaker, let me adviſe you to chooſe a [Page 10] new Huſband, or hire yourſelf out to a Company of Grenadiers, in order to waſh their Linen.
1ſt Trull. If you pleaſe, Serjeant, I'll take up with Staitup here?
Wil. Be gone, Inſolence, or I'll ſpurn thee from me!
1ſt Trull. What, Offer to ſtrike a Woman? you an't married too, Sirrah!
2d Trull. Ay! Or refuſe a Woman that aſks him the Queſtion.
1ſt Trull. Or dare to live in Camp without a lawful Wife.
File-off. Look'e, Campaigners! This Gentleman Soldier is but a young Beginner, I will not have him baulk'd: Therefore withdraw your ſaucy Converſation, till he has been long enough in the Army, to be as impudent as yourſelves; I ſay, leaping over a Sword is a ſerious Ceremony, and the Laws of your ſpiritual Court military, tell you no Wife ought to be turn'd off till the end of a Campaign. Nor no Man ought to be drawn into the Nooſe unwillingly, leſt the Point of that Sword which moſt religiouſly, join'd him, ſhould be the Cauſe of moſt barbarouſly unjoining of him.
1ſt Trull. Nay, That's very true, noble Serjeant, a provoking Tongue, and a froward Woman will run a Man into ſtrange Deſperations: I can't help owning it was the Death of my ſeventh Huſband.
1ſt Sold. Ay, and your eighth too, Moll, to my Knowledge.
1ſt Trull. No, Indeed Roger, he was hanged for Sheep Stealing.
Wil. What a helliſh Crew are I moſt unfortunately thrown myſelf among?
Aſide.
File-off. Come, 'Tis Time enough to talk of Settling yourſelf, when you are got into your Tents—Silence—March.
Exeunt.
SCENE Draws to Brigadier General Conqueſt's Quarters.
Enter the Brigadier General, Colonel Mackentoſh, Major Cadwallader, and Major O'Rourk.
Brig. Gen. Con. The Portugueſe are more afraid of us [Page 11] than of the Spaniards; the General would ſcarce give me Audience to Day.
Cad. Cot knows, her own Countrymen are prout enough, but then indeet they have a Reaſon for't; but truly the Brigadier General ſcruple't ſeeing of you, becauſe he was afraid of getting the Sickneſs, a cout Soultier is neither afrait of a Pullet, the Pelly-Ack, nor a Feaver: And I declare it he that runs away from the Defle, ſhould be brought to a Court Martial, and condemnt for a Cowart.
Mac. 'Tis a vary malancholy Tale, Sir, that we muſt die here like a parſal of Duggs, when we maight Gallantly have our Brains knockt out in the Bad of Honour.
Maj. O'Rourk. Buy my Shoul 'tes a deplorable Story, that we muſt tay ſuddenly of a lingering Shackneſs, when we might march away to the Enemy, and have Time to repent of our Shins.
Mac. Waunds Mon, wan wad thank you ſtuddy'd to talk miſtically on purpoſe; I have heard mare Iriciſims fram you, than a whole Gang of the Nation, Sir.
Cad. Come, Cornel, praiſe for a Man her Toings, and not for her Speakings; here is our Frient the Major, has Murtert his ſhare this Campaint.
Brig. Gen. Con. Hang your Words, Truth and Honeſty may be expreſs'd by Signs, never find fault with a Man that does not ſpeak as you do.
Maj. O'Rourk. Why, By St. Patrick, the Colonel is a very ſtraange Man; for if I do ſpaak, he does find ſaut upon my Words; and by my Shoul, if I am dumb, he is angry upon vat I am a thinking: But I believe he vill be after owning vhen I have bean out on a Paarty with him, I have vrit as goot a Hant vid my Swoart on the Skull of a Spaniard, as if I was a moſt ſcholaſtick Man.
Mac. May the Deel claw my Wem, Major O'Rourk, an I find fault with your Braavery; but your an uncouth comical Fellow, Sir, and were twa Bullets hurl'd through my Craig, Sir, I muſt bag my lauging Time.
Cad. Look her there now, Kiſs and Frients like loving Brother Officers.
[Page 12] Mac. Waunds, Sir, I'll ſlabber no Man, an he muſt be an antimate Frant that I vouchſafe to gave my Hont too.
Cad. Well! Cot knows, I have known it otherwiſe with your Countrymen, I have ſeen 'em crinch and palaver like a Whore to a Cully, Sir, or like a Wiſet that has her Mint to Coucholt her Huſpant.
Mac. An ay Coult caatch my Countrymen, at an Cencerity, Sir, waunds I'd be a Satazen of the World; but of aw your Kingdoms, there's neen ſo hopeful gallant Lads; and gued Faith whan I gat any Secrats, Sir, I'll truſt 'em with none but the bonny Boys of NorthBritain.
Brig. Gen. Con. That's the Indiſcretion of being National Abroad; the honeſt Engliſhman makes a Friendſhip with all Mankind, never ſupports the Villain of his own Country, and always ſtands by the honeſt Man, be he Turk, Jew, or Infidel.
Enter Engineer Luconnel.
Luc. Gentlemens, your Serviteurs ten thouſand Time ever; my goot General I have make a de very grat a Diſcovery of de Situation, of vat you call the Camp of de Enemy, dere is de Plang of every Ting.
Brig. Gen Con. Have you ſhow'd it the Portugueſe General?
Luc. I have taken pain to repreſent de Ting to him; put you know very vell, how dey make de ridicule upon de Engineer, for dey never taken de Town, dey haſ no Siege, dey lauf at de Fortification, and de Engineer is of no more Uſe among dem, den de Proteſtant, dey don't care if dey were bot Hang'd.
Cad. Splutter her Nails, to their praiſe be it ſpoke, Sir; for in the Tays of coot Kingt Catwallater, whoſe Heir at Law is the Shentillmans that ſtants here; there was no Fortifications put your Mountains, and your pig Rivers; there was none of your cowartly Tings calt Canons, and Powter, and Pullets; there was her Enemy wit her proat Swort, and here was her Aſſailant with as coot a won, ant in a few Stroakes, they always mayt an Ent of her Pattle; but now a Days, goot lack, while her is looking for her Enemy there, here is a cowartly [Page 13] Pullet Steals upon her Shoulters, throws her Heat upon the Crownt, and ſo her has not one plow for her Life.
Luc. I find you have juſt ſo little Notion of de Fortification, as de Portugueſe demſelves.
Mac. Sir, An ye had ſerved ſo lang under 'em as I have done, theyad maak you know they were a wiſe People, whan the mat with ſicka ratch'd Matematacians, as your ſal, Sir, geud Faith, thayr in the rat to laugh at you, Sir, I'll ſay that for your Countrymen, your all Engineers, or Barbars, eſpecially when you gang to le Englant for your Religion.
Cad. Cots knows your Refu-g's are the Refuſs of the Kingtom of France: there's no Poty loſs 'em, and tank our Stars, thare is known of them in Wales.
Luc. Jerney blew; becauſe no body care to live dere, but yourſalfs and your Goats.
Brig. Gen. Con. So a fine Parcel of Nations thrown on their Backs truly?
Mac. Geud Sir, I'll flatter no Mon.
Cad. Nor I, put when I am in a Paſhon.
Maj. O'Rourk. Oh! By my ſhoul, dear Joy, dere is a great Deal of Solidity in your converſations, when you are holding your Tongues about de French: By my Shoul dey are a ſhad People, dey have no Potatoes, a growing upon dem [...]
Luc. Jerney blew Gentlemens, if I hat you in France, I make you change your Opinion, and your Religion too, it vas a my Conſcience make me leave a de Kingdom, or I hat been long Time fore dis de Marſchal of France.
Mac. An you war a Laakey, Sir, the Mercury in your Bones would make you talk like a French Count.
Enter Servant.
Ser. May it pleaſe your Honour Major Buck this Moment arrived from England, is to wait on you.
Brig. Gen. Con. Come, Gentlemen, ſhall we hear what News?
(Exit.)
[Page 14] Captain Luconnel going firſt, Colonel Mackentoſh takes bold of him.
Col. Mac. I'll give you Leave to jump down my Throat, Sir, before you ſhall gang in the Front of me.
Cadw. (He takes Capt. Luconnel by the Shoulders.) Heark'e, you Cozen-in-Law, toſt thou know my Name is Catwalater, and that the Parchment of my Petrige, iſh long enough to reach from Toloon to Callice, and that my Anceſtors were Shentilmen, pefore your Kingdom was pepult: Now you know this, pray keep your Diſtance.
Maj. O'Rourk. (Takes hold of Capt. Luconnel.) Arah, by my Shoul I will be after coming before you.
Capt. Luc. Poor filly Shentilmens, 'tis not vort my Vile to cut all your Troats for your Folly—Beſides, in France, de great Shentilman always come laſt; ha! dat is very goot.

1.2. ACT II. Brigadier General Conqueſt's Quarters.

Enter Brigadier General Conqueſt, and Major Buck.
Brig. Gen. Con. I Am glad to hear, Sir, every Thing is ſo quiet in England, and that all our Friends are well. I have order'd Colonel Mackentoſh, to take Care of the Diſtribution of your Men: I dine about Two, and ſhall be glad of your Company.
Maj. Buck. You are extreamly obliging.
Enter Mrs. Conqueſt, Victoria, and Belinda.
Mrs. Con. Oh! my dear! I am inform'd there is a Packet come; have you no Letters for me?
Brig. Gen. Con. Not one.
Maj. Buck. (Aſide.) The nearer I come to that charming Angel, the more piercing are her Eyes.
Mrs. Con. Is this the Officer that is arrived from England?
Brig. Gen. Con. Yes, that's Major Buck.
[Page 15] Mrs. Con. We Women are very inquiſitive Mortals?
Brig. Gen. Con. Ay, Major, you muſt expect to be aſk'd a Million of impertinent Queſtions.
Mrs. Con. We ſhall only enquire after new Faſhions, new Songs, new Amours—
Vict. And new Country Dances, Sir.
Bel. (Aſide.) So ſhe will be acquainted with him, I find.
Maj. Buck. There are abundance of each, Madam. As to new Faſhions, indeed they have not flouriſh'd with that Life and Vigour, ſince the Death of the Pewterer's Wife in Bedlam, as they did before: But there are ſome faſhionable Creatures at the other End of the Town, that give great Hopes of their being very odd and whimſical; for their Head Dreſſes are no bigger than the Skull caps they us'd to wear; their Petticoats are up to their Knees; their Stays up to their Chins; and their Fanns up to their Noſtrils; and the mody Shrug makes 'em wear their Shoulders up to their Ears; their Lappets reach down to the Fringing of their Petticoats, which are widen'd with abundance of Whalebone: They ſtoop forward when they ſhould walk upright; they ſhuffle along a tip Toe, courteſy on one Side, ſmile on thoſe they would ridicule, and look very grave on their intimate Acquaintance.
Mrs. Con. Very diverting, good Sir.
Brig. Gen. Con. I warrant you, Victoria will have all theſe whimſical Repreſentations of the Sex, by Tomorrow Noon.
Bel. Shall we go to our Chamber, Victoria?
Vict. Preſently, my Dear. Pray, Sir, what new entertaining Muſick have you in England?
Maj. Buck. As to new Songs, Madam, there is Abundance of them, that have very little Wit in them, ſet to moſt excellent Italian Tunes: Every Body that goes to the Opera, beats Time, tho' not one in a Hundred knows when to do it, and their not underſtanding the Language, makes 'em ignorant of the Buſineſs; ſo, between the Tune, and the Words, they go away as unedified, as a Libertine from a Presbyterian Meeting.
Bel. (Aſide.) How he Eyes her! unmannerly Fellow, he never Looks at me!
[Page 16] Mrs. Con. And good now, Major, what Scandal is ſtirring? What Reputations are blown upon, and who has the fineſt Equipage?
Maj. Buck Madam, the Citizen's Wives pay as much for handſome young Fellows, as ever they did; there are Women of Figure fond of Gameſters, and Courtiers that take as much Pride in keeping Strumpets, that all the Town has had, as thoſe Strumpets take in making Cullies of 'em; they give 'em fine Cloaths, fine Equipages, and they ſpend 'em a fine Deal of Money. Harlots keep viſiting Days, as well as Women of Honour; they appear at the Church, and the Play-Houſe, with a very modeſt Aſſurance; to be call'd my Lord Whatd'callm's Miſtreſs, is as genteel and more Modiſh a Name, than my Lord Whata'callm's Wife: And at the End of an Opere, you often hear my Lord-Duke's Footman call'd for, Mrs. Simper having order'd her Flambeaux to be lighted.
Brig. Gen. Con. Why! then the Town is as wicked now, as it was, when I made a Figure in the Side Box?
Vict. I doubt, Major, you are too ſatyrical upon our poor Sex?
Maj. Buck. Oh! Madam! When I have an Opportunity, I can tell you Abundance of generous kind noble Acts, that have been done by the virtuous Part of your Sex.
Bel. (Aſide.) So, they are intimate already.
Vict. You have ſaid nothing of Country Dances yet, Major?
Maj. Buck. As to Dancing, Madam, all the Time of the Parliament's Sitting, Mr. Bays's grand Dance is practis'd over in the Court of Requeſt; where Party Men go Sides all, Whig and Tory Back to Back, Beaus and Politicians right Hand and left, your Waiters for Preferment and Men of Intereſt run the Hay, Republicans go the Figure of Eight, and Lawyers lead you down two Couple.
Bel. (Aſide.) I muſt be miſerable, for I find ſhe does nothing but Eye him.
An Alarm Gun.
Enter Colonel Mackentoſh.
Col. Mac. Waunds, Sir, the Enemy are on their [Page 17] March towards us, and the Gun is fired for us, to make ready to receive 'em.
Brig. Gen. Con. Why! by the Account I have this Morning, we have not fifteen Hundred Engliſh Men that are fit to bear Arms?
Col. Mac. The Deel jump down my Throat, Sir, an we do no bang aw the Spaniſh Army, and the Portugueze General will let us attack 'em.
Maj. Buck. There ſpoke the true Spirit of a Britain.
Brig. Gen. Con. Would theſe Women were ſafe at Lisbon again.
Maj. Buck. (Aſide.) Now, notwithſtanding the ſhare of Honour I am like to get by Beating the Enemy; methinks I had rather be ſent with a Detachment to guard the General's Baggage there.
Mrs. Con. Don't be concern'd for us, my Dear; I have not attended you ſo many Campaigns in Flanders, to be frighted with a fooliſh Alarm here: Courage, my Girl!
Vict. Oh! Madam; I am too much my Father's Daughter to fear.
Maj. Buck. (Aſide.) Her Courage unmans me; and I ſhall now be careful of my Life, in Hopes of preſerving Her's.
Enter Mr. Biſket, and Charlot.
Biſk. General, your moſt devoted; Ladies, your moſt humble, (to Victoria.) Madam, this Journey is on your Account.
Maj. Buck. (Aſide.) So, I ſuppoſe this is my raſcally Rival.
Bel. (Aſide.) I am glad he's come, I'll haſten the Match, and be reveng'd on that falſe Devil Major Buck.
Biſk. General, this young Gentleman came over in the laſt Packet, and has Letters from England for you: Mr. Hickumbuz, come forward, that I may introduce you to the General—that's Brigadier General Conqueſt, and this is Mr. Hickumbuz.
Bel. An agreeable young Fellow.
Char. This Packet of Letters is from my Lady Lovemore, Sir; and this is for your Lady, whom I expected to have ſeen at Lisbon.
[Page 18] Mrs. Con. Pray, Sir, give it me; I hope my Lady was well when you left England.
Char. She was at my coming away in a moſt agreeable State of Health, and particularly order'd me to let Mrs. Victoria know, ſhe had a great Share in her Heart.
Vict. I am pleas'd to hear my Aunt is well, Sir.
Biſk. Did not I tell you, Mr. Hickumbuz, you would be kindly receiv'd—Heark'e! How may you like my Miſtreſs—Ha!
Char. So well, that I believe I ſhall make Love to her.
Brig. Gen. Con. Sir, the Letters you brought are much in your Favour; my Siſter tells me, you are her Huſband's near Relation, and begs I would provide for you in my Regiment; there happens to be a Vacancy of a youngeſt Lieutenant of Grenadiers in your Company, Major Buck; order my Secretary to ſill up the Commiſſion the General left, with his Name.
Biſk. Heark'e, Mr. Hickumbuz, it was my Intereſt got it, don't forget that Sum you promis'd me, my Dear.
Char. P'ſhaw! 'tis too late now; I'm an Officer, therefore know your Diſtance, and don't be ſaucy, Merchant.
Biſk. Pert and military enought.
Enter Major O'Rourk.
Maj. O'Rourk. By my Shoul my Nobility General, there is an Aid de Camp come from the General of the Portugueze, vid an Order to deſire that veder he ſhees you or not, he may ſpaak vid you out of Hand.
Col. Mac. Waunds, I houpe it is a Reſalution to fight the Enemy: Geud Faith, I yern to be banging their Lugs for 'em.
Brig. Gen. Con. Well, I'll go and hear what Reſolutions are to be taken. Mr. Biſket, I leave you in Poſſeſſion of my Family, and if we engage the Enemy. I expect you ſhould retire with the Woman to Elvas. Come, Colonel, you ſhall go with me to the General's?
Col. Mac. By Edenborough Croſs, I houpe, we ſhall perſwade him to give Battle.
[Page 19] Maj. O'Rourk. By my Shoul, when de Fait is over, I will ſwear we have had a Battle.
Brig. Gen. Con. Adieu—Women.
Exeunt Conqueſt, Mackentoſh, and O'Rourk.
Mrs. Con. We have had ſo many falſe Alarms, that I'm in no Fear of Danger: However, Belinda, let's pack up our Implements for a March.
Bel. Come, Victoria.
Biſk. Madam! I am the proper Animal deputed to take Care of her adorable Perſon?
Mrs. Con. Major, your moſt humble Servant. Young Gentleman, when the Hurry is over, we ſhall be glad of ſeeing you, for I muſt have a great Deal of Talk with you about my Siſter. Come, Belinda.
Bel. You won't ſtay, Victoria?
Exeunt Mrs. Conqueſt, and Belinda.
Biſk. Madam! permit me to participate of the laſt Joint of your Ladyſhip's little Finger.
He takes hold of her Hand.
Maj. Buck. (Ruſhing in between 'em) Pardon the Freedom I take, dear Madam.
Biſk. I proteſt very rude and comical.
Maj. Buck. But I'm oblig'd to improve every Opportunity, and break through thoſe Forms of awful Adoration, which is due to ſo much Beauty, and tell you I am deſperately in Love with you, and we both muſt be for ever miſerable, ſhould you marry that Coxcomb.
Biſk. Bear Witneſs, Mr. Hickumbuz.
Vict. (Aſide.) I'll ſwear, his Impudence is very agreeable.
Char. Mr. Biſket, if you'll take my Advice in this Affair, a Word in your Ear.
They go aſide.
Vict. You Gentlemen in Red have a Notion, the greateſt Favour you can do our Sex is, to tell us you're deſperately in Love with us; but we know your faſhionable Ways of talking too well to believe you—Beſides, I'm already engag'd to that Gentleman, whom you this Moment ſhew'd ſo much Rudeneſs to.
Maj. Buck. 'Tis in your Power, Madam, to ſave both our Lives, for I never can ſuffer ſo fine a Creature to be thrown away on ſo arrant a Puppy: Therefore, I [Page 20] ſhall, if you perſiſt, firſt cut his Throat, and then my own.
Vict. If the Paſſion you proſeſs for me is ſincere, I ſlatter myſelf you will do nothing, that may call either my Reputation or your Prudence in Queſtion; all I can now ſay is, I wiſh I could come off my Engagements with Honour.
Biſk. (To Charlot) Why look'e, Mr. Hickumbuz, as you ſay, I ought to demand Satisfaction of him.
Char. Nay, more, Sir—a Word in your Ear.
Maj. Buck. Oh heavenly Sound! Leave the Management of that Affair to n.e, and expect all the Invention that is in the Power of a warm, deſiring, wiſhing Lover to perform!
Enter Belinda.
Bel. Hell and Tortures—Are they ſo cloſe (goes before 'em.) Victoria, your Mother is very angry that you ſtay ſo long. (Leading her away.)
(Exeunt Belinda, and Victoria.
Maj. Buck. The Malice of that Creature, if ſhe lives long enough, will qualify her for a Witch—but till ſhe deals with the Devil. I may out wit her.
Biſk. (To Charlot.) Oh Fellow Traveller! your Servant for that—I won't run the Hazard of Fighting for a Miſtreſs I'm already ſure of; but if ever I catch him in the Way of Trade, and I don't over-reach him, may I be a Bankrupt.
Exit, ſtaring at Major Buck.
Maj. Buck. Go thy Ways for an egregious Coxcomb, (to Charlot.) Sir I ſind I am obliged to you, for the Opportunity of telling my Paſſion to my Miſtreſs, 'tis a very good Foundation for our future Friendſhip; and ſince the General has order'd you my Lieutenant, I ſhall be proud of every Opportunity of ſerving you.
Char. You in every Action ſhew ſo much the Gentleman, that I think it a great Happineſs of falling under your Command: I come very raw into the Service, and know little of the Diſcipline of the Army, nor can I tell what true Courage is, but am ſure I have Reſolution enough to do every Thing I am commanded.
Maj. Buck. Thou ſheweſt a Spirit that's noble, and next to my Miſtreſs ſhalt ſhare my Heart; I would have [Page 21] you improve your Acquaintance with the General's Wiſe, which may give me an Opportunity of telling my Paſſion to my dear, dear Victoria.
Char. I have been a Page, Sir, in which Office we learn the whole Language of the Eyes; and I am much miſtaken, if the fair Lady you adore, burns not with an equal Paſſion for you.
Maj. Buck. Your Pages are very apt to ſlatter, my Dear; but doeſt thou really think ſhe met my Glances with any manner of Warmth?
Char. I ſaw the little Cupids dancing in her Eyes; and ſtill, the more ſhe look'd the more ſhe ſigh'd, the more ſhe warm'd, and ſo, of courſe, ſhe more deſired.
Maj. Buck. My dear Boy! Thou fireſt my Blood: Look'e, I'll give you the Proſits of the Company; thy Man ſhall have Serjeant's Pay; thy Waſherwoman ſhall be in the Muſter Roll as a Soldier; and thou thyſelf ſhalt do no Duty, provided thou aſſiſteſt me in gaining the Affections of that dear ſoft bewitching Creature, Victoria.
Char. Believe me, Sir, She's yours, and will herſelf contrive Means to tell you all her Mind.
Maj. Buck. Say'ſt thou ſo, my Boy—I'll go to the Secretary, and take out your Commiſſion; meet me at my Tent in half an Hour, and I'll preſent you to the Company; my Serjeant will ſoon teach you to Exerciſe, your Gallantry will recommend you to the General; and I'm intirely devoted to your Intereſt. I hope you have a ſharp Servant to take care of your Baggage: Look Big upon your Brother Officers, and pray have no Quarrels without my being your Second —Adieu, my Dear Boy.
Exit.
Char. His Generoſity and Friendſhip much obliges me — But, Oh! my Dear Wilmot! What have I ſuffered for thee? Fatiguing Journeys, a Tempeſtuous Voyage, and all thoſe Dangers which my Sex are unaccuſtom'd too; will not this atone for the III Uſage thou haſt met with from me? — Let me once more read the diſmal Letter, that Cauſe of all my Woe and Hardſhips.
Takes out the Letter, Reads.
[Page 22]

Falſe, Unkind and Perjur'd Charlotte.

TOO long I've bore mith Torment at my Heart your Wounding, Piercing, Killing Uſage; I have now got ſo much the better of my Love as to find out your Pride, your inſolence and falſe Coquetting Airs; I have tore you from my Soul, and would have you doat on every fooliſh Coxcomb, which no more ſhall give me Pain. I am this Moment going on Board the Packet for Portugal. I have bought ſuch a Poſt in our Army there, as will ſoon give me an Opportunity of ruſhing amidſt the thickeſt ſhower of Bullets, one of which I hope, will take that poſſeſſion of my Heart, which I once deſign'd for you; I believe my Death will ſoon be known to you, and you may expect the Upbraiding of my Ghoſt:

Adieu for Ever,

WILLMOT.

Char. Too well I have deſerved this Barbarous Uſage; Curſe the Folly of my Sex, which led me unto that falſe Notion of believing I could ſecure to myſelf, that Lover which I us'd moſt ſcurvily:
Enter her Maid Clara in a Footman 's Habit.

Well, Dear Clara, what News of Willmot?

Cla. Oh! Madam, I have walk'd thro' all the Camp, enquired at the Head of each Regiment, but can hear no tydings of him.
Char. Break! Stubborn Heart, break—no Tydings of him—why then he has given us a falſe Account of his Voyage, and nought but Miſery can ere attend me.
Cla. Remember, Madam, with how many Tears and moving Words, I beg'd you not to leave your Native Country; I wiſh when you had ſent me to your Aunt for that Letter to Brigadier General Conqueſt, that I had told her it was not for a Friend but yourſelf.
[Page 23] Char. Then you had for ever forfeited my Love, nothing grieves me now, but the Hardſhips thou art like to meet with.
Cla. Fear not me, my deareſt Lady; if you can ſupport yourſelf under the Difficulties, I ſhall hear them with Pleaſure.
Char. Come on then, the General has already promis'd me a Lieutenancy; and ſince Willmot has ſo barbarouſly reſented the Weakneſs of my Sex, I'll now Revenge it on all his; my Captain is indeed a Gallant Man, his Friendſhip is what I moſt ſhall covet, but for the reſt ſtand clear.
Cla. I yet comfort myſelf with the Hopes of hearing of your Lover.
Char. No, Clara, I'll ſhake him from my Heart; put on all the ſaucy Airs of a real Man, and make my Brother Officers ſtand in fear of me.
Enter Lieut. Surly.
Sur. Brother, your Servant, as I may ſay.
Char. From whence, good Sir, does your Familiarity proceed?
Sur. So, ſo, a pert Boy, ſome Man of Quality's Baſtard, I ſuppoſe, (Aſide.)—Look'ye, Child, I met my Captain, who inform'd me you were to be youngeſt Lieutenant to our Granadiers; if ſo I'm to be your Commanding Officer.
Char. The longeſt Sword muſt decide that.
Sur. Very good—you are beginning to mutiny already, prithee, Child, didſt thou ever ſerve?
Char. I had Lodgings near Charing-Croſs; I kept a Bank at a Gaming Table; I have broke Windows with Field Officers; and have been toſſing Subalterns in Blankets.
Sur. Heark'e, dear Boy, what might thy Commiſſion coſt thee?
Char. I gain'd it by my Merit.
Sur. No, no, my Child; it was a confounded modeſt fort of Aſſurance, call'd Impudence, that got it thee.
Char. Sir.
Sur. That ſmooth Countenance of thine is not made for Frowning; if thou valueſt thy Life, or thy Commiſſion, thou moſt be more civiliz'd, or thou wilt be [Page 20] [...] [Page 21] [...] [Page 22] [...] [Page 23] [...] [Page 24] the Thirteenth young handſome Impertinent Fellow we have run thro' the Body this Campaign; lookey, if you'll go to the Sutler's, we'll Kiſs and Friends over a Dram of Geneva; thou ſhalt have a Pipe of Tobacco out of my Box here, or if thou haſt an Antipathy to Smoaking, I can give thee a Chew of the beſt Oronoko in the Univerſe, which is an Offer that many a Sub wou'd jump at.
Char. Faugh upon thy naſty Weed, Sir, you have us'd me Ill, and therefore I demand Satisfaction—
She draws.
Sur. Ha, ha, prithee Babe, put up thy Sprat Spit, 'tis fit only to make a Buſk for thy Miſtreſs.
Cla. Sir, my Maſter never puts up any thing till he has Satisfaction—
(Lord! how I tremble. (Aſide.
Sur. Ha, ha, What then thy Maſter is a Knight Errant and thou art his Dwarf.
Char. Theſe Affronts are ſo groſs, they put me paſt Patience— (Aſide.) (Oh! yonder's Company a coming.) (to him) Villain have at thy Heart.
Sur. Nay, if I muſt lug out, remember, young Fellow, it was thy own Fault, thou art guilty of SelfMurder, therefore come on to the Hilt of my Sword.
Draws.
Enter Cadwallader and Luconnel.
Cad. What is the meaning of her drawing her Sworts, have you no poty's Troats to cut put your hone?
Luc. Jerney Divel Gentlemens vat is de meaning of your Animoſity, are you mad to kill yourſelves, ven de vant two tre Touſand Gentry Country People to vight de Enemy?
Cad. Holt your Tongue, mint your puiſſneſs, and leave 'em to my known ſelf; come, what is your Quarrel?
Sur. Why, Major, your Servant the Young Lad, has a mind to have his Throat cut, I ſuppoſe, he provok'd me a long Time before I drew.
Cad. Well come, what has her to ſay for herſelf now?
Char. I have been moſt ſcandalouſly abus'd by him, and without he begs my Pardon, I can't put it up.
[Page 25] Cad. Beg her parten, why, I ſuppoſe, in all Quarrels, every poty is in Fault, and 'tis your Tutys, and for your Honours to peg one another's Partens.
Luc. But he dat give de Injury ſhould aſka de Pardon firſt.
Cad. What do's her mean py crouting in her Worts to interrupt her, am I not Juge upon the Quarrels, I will decite it for you, or I will cut all your Throats: Young Gentlemen, when you have been at our Traite as long as myſelf you vill have more Wit than to Fight for nothing.
Luc. 'Tis very well againſt de Enemy, dere is de very great a Satisfaction in Plunder de Camp, Burn de Town, Raviſh de Women, and ſo fort; but for one Friend to an oder make a puſh ſhoeſ againſt de Body; 'tis a great jeſt begar.
Cad. Cott knows, you are always a truſhing yourſelf into Gentleman's Puiſſneſſes, have a care of your provoking me into a Paſſion, get her gone quickly, or I proteſt I will pe in her Poty.
Luc. I am ſorry I can't ſtay no longer vid you, but I am in great haſte to goe take Care and raiſe a de Battery for fear de Enemy ſhould attack us.
Exit.
Cad. 'Tis a goot Excuſe for ſaveing your Lives; come, put up your Sworts, ſhake Hants, Kiſs and Frients.
Char. On your Account Sir I do forgive him, but let him take care how he affronts me hereafter.
Sur. So I find I muſt either own myſelf in a Faul [...], or cut the Boy's Throat.
Enter Serjeant File-off.
File. (to Char.) Sir, Major Buck is in his Tent, and wants to ſpeak with you.
Cad. When you have another Quarrel, pray pe ſure to kiſs and Frients pefore you draw your Sworts.
Exit.
Sur. Brother, your Servant, come, Serjeant, go to the Sutler's, and I'll give you a Dram for your welcome to Camp; which had you rather have Rum or Geneva.
Exeunt Surly and File-off.
Cla. Dear Madam, I tremble every Joint of me, what could you mean by running yourſelf into all this Danger.
[Page 26] Char. This, Child, was the Way to ſecure myſelf from Quarrels.
For he, they ſay, is Brave who makes a Noiſe,
Your Gallant Fighters are your Bluſtering Boys.

1.3. ACT III. Brigadier General Conqueſt's Quarters.

Enter Mrs. Conqueſt and Belinda.
Bel. MADAM; I have known him long. He was an Officer in my Father's Regiment. He has been the ruin of half our Sex.
Mrs. Con. And do you ſay Victoria ſeem'd to receive his Addreſſes?
Bel. With glowing Cheeks and a conſenting Eye.
Mrs. Con. Cunning Creature! She always has pretended to ſhew exceſs of Duty in every Thing.
Bel. But to me, Madam, who knew the inmate Secrets of her Heart, ſhe has expreſs'd much Hatred to the Husband you have provided for her.
Mrs. Con. Diſſembling Huſſey! I'll make her conſent, I warrant you. I think Mr. Bisket is an extraordinary Match for her, He's worth Twenty Thouſand Pound, is Santiſta to the whole Army, and has a Proſpect of getting Forty more—But if the Peace comes, and he loſes this Poſt, he's the richeſt Merchant in Lisbon; and will maintain her like a Princeſs—Rather than ſhe ſhould marry a Rake'lly Officer, I'd wiſh her Dead. I know too well the Plague of trudging after a Soldier. 'Tis indeed a State of Laced Cloaths and Starving, but there's little of the Love and Cheriſh in it.
Bel. Too well I know it Madam: it broke my poor Mother's Heart. But this is the moſt Profligate Rake the Army ever bred: He is well vers'd in all Intriguing, [Page 27] and by his Uſage of Mr. Bisket, if you haſten not the Match, moſt certainly he will break it off.
Mrs. Con. I'll be too Cunning for him: And if the Spaniards don't diſturb us, my Huſband's Chaplain ſhall Marry 'em this Evening.
Bel. (Aſide.) Were it once done, I ſhould be Happy.
Mrs. Con. Where is Victoria now?
Bel. In her Chamber; providing for our Journey to Elvas if there ſhould be occaſion.
Mrs. Con. I would have you take no Notice to my Huſband of what has paſſed; his Heat of Temper may occaſion ſome Miſchief. I'll prepare her myſelf for the Matter; firſt acquaint her with my Reſolutions, and then her Father ſhall lay his commands on her.—
Exit Mrs. Conqueſt.
Bel. Which I fear ſhe'll be very averſe to. Since Major Buck has baſely ſlighted me, this Revenge will be ſome Satisfaction to me: And ſo long as I prevent his marrying any Body elſe, ſome lucky turn may make him mine. For tho' now I hate him for deſpiſing me, one kind Look will ſoon get the better of my weak Reſolves. I am vex'd this Coxcomb Bisket ſhould give 'em an Opportunity of talking together. See where the Fool comes!
Enter Biſket.
Bis. Adorable Mrs. Belinda! I am your moſt devoted Shoe-Leather. I muſt beg you to lay your Head to mine, and help me to Revenge myſelf in ſome manner or another upon the Major. He took my Miſtreſs from me in a moſt Audacious manner: Ridiculed my Parts and Perſon before her, and I proteſt, for aught I know, he has made ſuch an Impreſſion on her, to my Prejudice, that all the ſine Things Vows, and Oaths, which I ſhall ſay to her for a Month, I fear, will ſcarce ſet her at Rights again.
Bel. I can tell you, if before to-morrow Morning you are not Married to her, ſhe will be the Major's Wife.
Bis. I proteſt you bring my Heart to my Mouth —Tho' upon ſecond Thoughts, if the Major has a Fancy to her, I had much rather he ſhould ſall in Love with her before I have her, than afterwards— [Page 28] Tho' I am pretty well aſſur'd ſhe cannot be falſe to my perſon.
Bel. You muſt not tell the General what has happen'd, but preſs him to have the Wedding Celebrated to Night.
Bis. He and I are agreed upon all Matters; and I have depoſited ſix Thouſand Pounds, to be laid out in England, which was to be her Jointure. A great deal of Money to give for a Wife, eſpecially ſhould ſhe prove a Jade—Ha, Mrs. Belinda.
Bel. I would adviſe you not to be out of her Sight, till you are Married to her.
Bis. Ay, and I'll watch her Waters after I'm Married to her: And I will have an Eye upon the Major's heavy Cannon, for fear he ſhould lay Siege to her.
Bel. Come, you muſt go and Attack her yourſelf, Let her have no Correſpondence with the Enemy, and ſhe muſt fall into your Hands.
Bis. I'll find out all her Mines and take her Glacis, Sword in Hand.
Bel. By Converſing with Military Men, you are become a perfect Soldier.
Bis. Ay, if I could but Fight, or be in a Paſſion big enough to draw a Sword, I could ſoon Cammand an Army.
Bel. Come along and try to Command your Miſtreſs.
Exeunt.
SCENE Draws and diſcovers Victoria.
Vict. Well! This agreeable Major runs ſo in my Head, that I am prodigiouſly Divided; betwixt Hoping, and Fearing and Wiſhing; Deſiring, Suſpecting and Doubting. Let me ſee. I warrant you they'll pretend to ſay, I have given my Word to have this Coxcomb Bisket. 'Twas all Compulſion—And I never can conſent to have him.
Enter Mrs. Conqueſt.
Mrs. Con. See, Victoria, are you prepared for a March?
Vict. Ready on the firſt Alarm, Madam.
Mrs. Con. How came you to let that Saucy Major Talk to you with ſo much Freedom juſt now?
[Page 29] Vict. To me, Madam?
Mrs. Con. Ay, to you, Madam. Come, come, Victoria, he's a Dangerous Fellow: He has us'd Mr. Bisket very ill, and if your Father was to know it, a terrible Quarrel would enſue. I would have you prepare yourſelf, to be married this Night.
Vict. So ſoon, Madam!
Mrs. Con. Come, come, Mr. Bisket is a Prize not to be neglected.
Vict. Oh, dear Madam! He's ſo diſagreeable a Coxcomb, that I ſhall be for ever Miſerable if I have him.
Mrs. Con. Your Diſobedience ſurpriſes me; have not your Father and I agreed upon the Matter? Don't we know what's beſt for ſilly Girls, who are not fit Judges for themſelves? One muſt have a great ſhare of Experience, abundance of Knowledge, and prudent Management before we know what's beſt for us. Mr. Bisket is no Fool.
Vict. But he has a great want of Senſe.
Mrs. Con. You are a fine Judge of Senſe: a Rake'lly dreſt Fellow, with a Laced Coat, Hat and Feather, is all the Notion you have of a Man of Senſe
Vict. N [...], Madam; I reckon a M [...]n of Senſe, is one who! a read the World as well as Books, and knows how to diſcern betwixt the good and evil of it; and has ſo true a Notion of himſelf, as never to launch out into conceited Praiſes of his own Perfections; he has Honour enough to ſcorn to do an ill Thing, and Courage to reſent an Injury from an impertinent Coxcomb; he knows how to put a true value upon Virtue; he has Religion enough to keep his Marriage vow Sacred, and Diſcretion enough to make a Woman his Friend, as well as Wiſe.
Mrs. Con. So ſo, a fine Character truly; and where do you expect to find ſuch a Huſband as this— Your Father laid out all his ready Money to buy the Regiment, if there ſhould come a Peace—'tis a young one: He'll be broke, and half pay will not maintain us—Here you'll be at the Head of the Factory; keep your Chaiſe and your Litter; be viſited by the Envoy, and ſit next the Conſul's Lady.
[Page 30] Vict. And Dine with my Book-keepers, and Newfound-Land Chaplains; know how to buy a Bargain of Stock-Fiſh; Go on Board an India-Man and beg Coffee and Calicoes: Be pent up all the Sultry Weather in a Quinito of my own; where none but the Worſhipful Wretch my Huſband and a Portugueſe Gardener muſt come near me.
Mrs. Con. On your Duty, I command you to hold your Tongue: Here would be fine Work if your Father was to hear you; 'tis my Reſolution, you ſhall be Married to Night: if you dare diſobey, you ſhall be turned out of Doors before to Morrow.
Vict. You know, Madam, I have always been moſt Obedient; but when I tell you this Man is my greateſt averſion, ſure you will not Sacrifice me to him.
Mrs. Con. You may ſet your Heart upon him if you pleaſe: I know all Things depend upon Reſolution; and therefore reſolve and be happy forthwith.
Vict. Well, Madam, to ſhew you how much my Duty gets the better of my Inclinations, I'll bury myſelf in this Monument of your own chooſing. But ſince I muſt be Sacrific'd to this Creature, I have one Requeſt to beg of you, Madam.
Mrs. Con. Thou can'ſt aſk nothing in Reaſon, my Dear Child, but I will grant it you.
Vict. I fear (tho' my Reſolution's Strong,) when I come to the fatal Ceremony, I ſhall want Spirits to ſupport me through it. It's probable were I not to ſee the Author of my Woe [...] I was made his Wiſe, I might in Time bear the Sight of him, tho' not Love him.
Mrs. Con. That's Vapours; meer Fancy Child— But to Humour you the Chaplain ſhall Marry you in the Dark.—
Enter Belinda and Biſket.

Oh Belinda! My Daughter is very good—If the General returns, you may prepare this Evening for your Wedding, Mr. Bisket.

Bis. Excellent News, my dear Mother-in-Law! At the coming in of the Brazil-Fleet, I will give you an Ingot of Gold to make a—Chocolate Mill on— Thank my Stars! The Ceremony of Courtſhip is over; [Page 31] it has crack'd more Brains than Projecting and Poetry has done. Dear Angel (to Victoria.) Let me Salute the hard Knuckles of your ſoft Hand.
Vict. (Ironically.) You have ſuch Winning ways with you, there's no denying any Thing.
Biſk. Ah! thy words are as Sweet as the beſt Lisbon Sugar. Adſo, tho' we Merchants are obliged to wear theſe Dreſſes in the Way of Trade, yet upon ſo joyful an Occaſion as this, I may be allow'd to jump into a lac'd Coat, and a full-bottom'd Wig. Madam Victoria. I'll give you my Perſon in the handſomeſt manner I can; and in half an Hour, ſhew a moſt compleat Bridegroom. Adieu, deary, for an Age I may ſay, a Moment is to me.
Exit.
Bel. This is very joyful Tydings my dear Victoria, that you have ſo true a Senſe of Happineſs, as to chooſe the Man of all the World that is moſt capable of making you ſo.
Vict. My good Mother has us'd ſo many prevailing Arguments with me, that I can no longer ſtand in my own Light.
Mrs. Con. She is the beſt of Daughters—I'll go and enquire if there's no Tydings of your Father. I know not any Thing will ſo much rejoice his Heart, as this Wedding.
Exit Mrs. Conqueſt.
Bel. I'm pleas'd to hear your Will is ſo reſign'd— I was deſperately afraid, what Major Buck ſaid to you this Day, would have made ſome Impreſſion on you: For know, I love him to Deſperation: And could I fix him mine, I've Vanity to think, I've Charms enough to cure him of his rakiſh and inconſtant Temper. Indeed I was a little Jealous of you, and therefore perſuaded your Mother to haſten the Match: For which, my Dear, I hope you'll thank me now.
Vict. (Aſide.) This is Friendſhip with a Vengeance —(to her.) I ſuppoſe his Pretenſions to me were only Gallantry. But were they ſincere, my being married to another will be a Means of making him your's: I, you need not doubt, will contribute all I can towards it.
Bel. Let me embrace my dear, my prudent, and my Boſom Friend.
[Page 32] Vict. (Aſide.) Diſſembling Witch—(to her.) When next I meet the Major, I'll find a Way to tell him how much you love him.
Enter Captain Hearty.
Hearty. Your Servant, Ladies. I ſuppoſe, Madam, I was not to have overheard that laſt Sentence of yours.
Vict. Yes truly, Sir, 'tis no Secret. Belinda is deſperately in Love with Major Buck, I only promis'd her my Aſſiſtance in forwarding the Match.
Bel. I in Love with that Fellow: I wonder at your Aſſurance, Victoria: I proteſt I bluſh for you. I'll go tell your Mother what an idle Girl you are.
(Exit Belinda.
Hearty. You have put the Lady into ſome Diſorder by this Confeſſion.
Vict. Not half ſo much as ſhe has put me into, by her Hypocriſy and falſe Friendſhip. 'Twas but ſome few Minutes ſince my Mother forc'd from me my Word to marry Biſket; which Ceremony is to be perform'd this Evening. All the Favour ſhe would grant me, was to marry in the Dark. If my Imagination's ſtrong, I ſhall fancy 'tis not he. Were I to ſee him, ſure I am, my ſaultring Tongue would ne'er conſent I ſhould be his: I ſacrifice my Eaſe, my Quiet, and my Peace of Mind, to my rigid Parents harſh Commands.
Hearty. The Law of Nature never meant we ſhould take Duty in that ridiculous Senſe: This would be diſmal News to poor Major Buck, whoſe Happineſs and Peace of Mind depends on one kind Look from you.
Vict. 'Tis now too late! my Word is paſt: Beſides, how can I be certain he's ſincere? This may only be a looſe Air he gives himſelf; a Gallantry that often happens, with Men of his Character.
Hearty. I dare anſwer for him—'Tis your Perſon now he doats on: But I'm well aſſur'd, when he's acquainted with the Beauties of your Mind, he more and more will love you: Give me but Hopes you like him, and for all the Time's ſo ſhort, I'll engage the Major delivers you from this wretched Coxcomb; and with your Father's Conſent to.
Vict. In this Exigency, I think I may be allowed to [Page 33] ſay, I do not hate the Major—And could wiſh—I can ſay no more.
Hearty. 'Tis enough; I'll inſtantly to the Major, and you ſoon will hear from him.
Vict. My Prayers will attend you.
(Exeunt ſeverally.
SCENE changes to the Camp.
Enter two Enſigns, Serjeant File-off following.
1. Enſi. Pox on't, I ſhall die of this Pinch-Office. There's all my two Months Subſiſt gone upon that laſt Card; our Dog of an Agent will advance nothing without Cent per Cent. Oh, for a Battle! to ſend a Pound of Lead into my Body, or a Pound of Gold into my Pocket.
2. Enſi. If we had but dined before we had been ſtripp'd, I ſhould have had a Stomach for fighting, but I'm always a damned Coward with an empty Belly.
1. Enſi. Ha, Serjeant! How long have you been come up to Camp.
File-off. This Day, Sir.
1. Enſi. Let me ſee, Serjeant? As I remember, I owe you four Cruſades, if you can give me ſix more, I'll give you a Moeda.
File-off. (Aſide.) A good lucky Thought of his: the Devil a Farthing he owes me—but however, I'll put the Old Soldier upon him (to him.) Noble Enſign, your Servant. You may let it alone if you pleaſe. I am not in haſte (pulling out his Money.)
1. Enſi. I am aſhamed, Serjeant, it has been ſo long due.
File-off. Sir, your Servant, there's ſix Cruſades, Sir.
1. Enſi. (He takes 'em) Very well, Serjeant, and there's a, (feeling in his Pocket.) Adſo! I thought I had a Moeda: Here, take my Key, and bid my Man give you one out of my green Purſe, and bring me the Key again.
File-off. Sir, your Servant.
(Exit Serjeant.
2. Enſi. Thou art an excellent Soldier Brother Rugcarrier, and for this one Invention, ought to command an Army. Thoſe are the greateſt Generals that have the beſt Turns, Tricks, and Stratagems; and to overreach is to over-come. But heark'e, ſhall we go and eat with this Money.
[Page 34] 1. Enſi. No, as Fortune got it us, we will venture it [...] upon a Card; pinch it to Trantleva be paid— Purchaſe half a Dozen of Almudes of Wine; ſend my Man to ſteal a Sheep; and ſo keep a Table till all our Money is gone.
2. Enſi. Ha, Brother Surly, well met.
Enter Surly.
1. Enſi. My Fingers itch to be venturing of it: I'll bring you Word before the Bauker is got through the Pack, how it is like to go with me.
Exit.
Sur. What then your Head will always run upon Gaming: Cou'd you but taſte the Pleaſure of ſmoaking Tobacco, and drinking Drams, you'd never run the Hazard of ſtarving as you do. I have the beſt Notion of living that any Man in Camp has; I can get drunk for ſix Vintins, and when I have a Stomach, ſix Whiffs of Mundungus take it away, as effectually as a couple of Pound of Beef would do.
2. Enſi. Heark [...]e, Brother Surly, I know a Soldier that has a Parcel of right French Brandy to ſell, which I ſuppoſe he has ſtolen, for he offers it for a Cruſade a Gallon.
Sur. Ay? why I can ſell it to the Sutler for five; I'll go and buy it all.
2. Enſi. Hold, hold, the Fellow is not willing to be diſcover'd, and therefore will truſt no Body but myſelf; Look'e, give me Money for ten Gallons, and ſend your Man about half an Hour hence to my Tent for it.
Sur. With all my Heart (giving him a Moeda.) and pray take care you have very good Meaſure.
(Exit Surly.
2. Enſi. Ay, ay. I have taken Care to get the Meaſure of your empty Head, and now Fortune aſſiſt me.
Exit.
Enter Captain Wildiſh.
Wild. This damn'd Agent of ours will ruin the Regiment; what an Abſtract is here? Peace and half Pay, will be a much better Subſiſt— (reads.) To Poundage —hum. The Royal Hoſpital—hum. To 13-1-2 of 127-11-6. For Tents—hum. To a Charge on the Regiment for Arms ſent by the Ordnance, and by Money paid to the Commiſſary of Stores for his Civility, [Page 35] in not changing thoſe Arms for worſe—hum. To ſick Men ſent to the Hoſpital—hum. Paid the Santiſta for you—hum. To the Widow's Man—By a Man allow'd the Judge Advocate—hum: that's for his Aſſiſtance in hanging half a Dozen more. To a Man allow'd the Commiſſary of the Muſters; that is not ill given, it may ſave me half a Dozen in the Muſter Roll. By a Man for the Colonel—Another for the Agent in England, and Poundage for myſelf, to ballance this Account. You owe me twenty two Pounds, four Shillings and Six pence, to be ſtop'd out of the next two Months Subſiſt; what a Bead-roll of Articles is here!
Enter Captain Hearty.
Heart. What art thou meditating on, dear Wildiſh?
Wild. Why my Abſtract; which is as full of roguiſh Articles as a Taylor's Bill, or a Chancery Suit, and yet there's no quarrelling with this Fellow, without flying in the Face of the Colonel; we may as well aſk for a new Cloathing once in three Years, or an Account of the off Reckonings every twelve Months.
Heart. Pho—hang the ſordid Pelf, good Soldiers, like good Poets, ſhou'd always be very poor; we fight for Honour, and they ſcribble for Fame. Did you ſee Major Buck this Way?
Wild. He's in his Tent.
Heart. Come along with me to him, there is an Affair on Foot will make him have an Occaſion for all his Friends.
Wild. Some Woman in the Caſe, I ſuppoſe.
Heart. No leſs a Perſon than Victoria; come along and I'll tell you more.
Exeunt.
Enter Willmot, ſtill dreſt like a Soldier, two Soldiers following of him.
1. Sold. Of all the Comrades that ever I had, thou art the dulleſt Dog, that's certain; he can neither play at All Fours, Put, nor One and Thirty.
2. Sold. Why, how eaſily might we have robb'd the Portugueſe and his Wife juſt now, I'm ſure his Cloaths wou'd have pay'd for the Trouble of murdering him, and I think the Woman was well worth raviſhing.
[Page 36] 1. Sold. I have given ready Money for worſe, many a time.
2. Sold. Why, he would not let me ſteal the Sheep there, tho' it was one of the fatteſt I ever ſtole in my Life.
1. Sold. Ay, and then he told Corporal Primer I was a Bed with his Wife, and made the Fellow come and catch me there: If he had not been a good-natur'd Man, and an old Comrade of mine, it might have occaſioned a Quarrel betwixt us.
2. Sold. Ay, 'tis a miſchievous dogged Cur, a Fellow of few Words and many Blows.
1. Sold. Ay, ay, he'll never make a good Soldier, I gad, he's only fit for an Officer.
2. Sold. For nothing elſe in the whole World, I ſagers.
Willm. Impertinent Raſcals, why do you follow me, you Villains?
1. Sold. Heark'e, Brother, keep good Words in your head, or—
Willm. Or what, you Dog?
1. Sold. Will you ſtand by me, Roger?
2. Sold. No Faith, not I—this Morning gave me enough of him, I did but call him a Son of a Whore, and told him he ly'd, and he laid me on, as if he had been exerciſing of me.
1. Sold. What is he ſo proud, that he won't take jocular, merry Language, when he's ſick, I faith he ſhall go to the Hoſpital, and that will be Plague enough.
Enter Major O'Rourk.
Maj. O'Rourk. Arrah, by my Shoul, dear Joys, what a plague maakes you ſtand running about from your Regiments, can't you ſtay in your Tents, Sirs, and then you may go where you pleaſe about your Puiſneſſes.
Enter Cadwallader.
Cadw. Whell, what is her Uproar here?
1. Sold. Why, an pleaſe your noble Honour, we was afraid that my Comrade here had a mind to deſert, he came to the Camp but this Morning, and he ſtroles out at every Corner of it; I fancy he's either troubled in Mind, or is a Papiſh in his Heart.
[Page 37] Maj. O'Rourk. Heark'e, by St. Patrick, now if you run away, whether you are ever catch'd or not, by my Shoul I will ſee you hang'd.
Cadw. You are too raſh in your Judgments, ſtant you py tere and here me recite this Affair; come, you Soultier, ſpeak for your ſelf.
Willm. Sir, I am as true to the Service as any Body, and will never flinch my Duty when 'tis commanded me; theſe two Villains would run me into murdering and thieving, which my Conſcience and Honeſty abhors.
Cadw. Cot knows, if you can make Proof of that, you ſhall pe mate a Corporal, and theſe two Rogues ſhall pe hangt.
Maj. O'Rourk. Oh! by my Shoule, if you have never ſo little Inſide into that Matter, I wou'd have you ſwear it heartily, and arrah, they ſhall not be diſcharged from their Tuty till they have hangt themſelves half an Hour.
Cadw. Splutter her Nails, will you leave her alone with this Puiſneſs, pray now.
Maj. O'Rourk. Arrah, by my Shoule, Major, I doe only hold my Tongue as a ſtander-by, and vat I have beer ſaying is of no Service to you, for by St. Patrick I did nean nothing by it, for all I have talkt ſo much to the Purpoſe.
Cadw Well. 'tis a thouſand Pittys the greateſt Part of the Worlt are not dumb, then I ſhoult have an Opertuni [...] of doing every Poty Juſtice: You, Sirs, what is your Anſwer?
2. Sold. Why all that we have to ſay for ourſelves, an pl [...]aſe your Honours, we are Gentlemen Soldiers, and h [...]ve been ſo long in the Service, we're weary on't; our Officers have ſo good an Opinion of us, that in Caſe o [...] an Attack, we ſhou'd be the Men pick'd to have our Br [...]ns knock'd out firſt.
1. S [...]d. So as we are Men of Courage, I hope your Honou [...] will take our Words before his there, that has not yet [...]gnaliz'd himſelf.
Cadw▪ Why, look you, I will decite the Matter thus, you are [...] a Parcel of Rogues, therefore kiſs and Frients, and go t [...] your Tutys.
Exit Cadwallader.
[Page 38] Maj. O'Rourk. By my Shoule I ſhould have decided it juſt ſo, tho' I had not been after hearing one Word of the Matter.
Enter Coptain Luconnel.
Capt. Luc. Serviteur, Major, is de General return'd yet from de Counſeill of War.
Maj. O'Rourk. Arrah, I am reſolved not to be poſſitive in any Thing, I know nothing on't, therefore I can't ſwear what the General is a doing on, but I believe in my Conſcience there will be no Battle till we are altogether runing away from one another.
Capt. Luc. Vill you juſt take a de valk to de Battery I have mait; for tho' you are no Ingenier, you may give a de Judgement veder you tink it vill doe execution if de Enemy make a de Attack upon us.
Maj. O'Rourk. By my Shoulvation, Sir, I vid give nothing for a Battery that vill not be after doeing execution veder de Enemy attack us or not, but I vill give you my Opinion of it before I do ſee it, that I may not be ſurpriz'd with the Shite of it.
Capt. Luc. Come to de Place den preſentalee.
Maj. O'Rourk. (Takes him by the Shoulder.) A [...]ah, pride [...], dear Joy, I will go laſt before you.
Exeunt Major O'Rourk, and Captain Lucomel.
1. Sold. Roger, I believe you and I had beſt make off the Premiſſes, for my Comrade there looks with anevil Eye upon us—
2. Sold. Ay, his Countenance is a little upon the horrid; therefore march.
Exeunt two Sodiers.
Willm. I that cou'd never taſte the Pleaſures o Life, in all the gaudy Show and Greatneſs that I one was Maſter on, muſt think it, in my preſent State, deſpicable one, and yet I dare not haſten Death, or SelfMurder is a horrid Sin.
Oh! for a happy Action in the Field,
To Death we there moſt lawfully may yie.

1.4. ACT IV.

[Page 39]
SCENE the Camp.
Enter Major Buck, Captain Wildiſh, Hearty, Charlotte, Serjeant File-off and Servant.
Major Buck. (to the Servant.) LOok'e, Sirrah, if you make any Miſtake in the delivery of this Letter, I ſhall demoliſh your Carcaſs.
Serv. Sir, I'll moſt punctually follow your Orders.
Major Buck. (to Charlotte.) Sir, the General, before he left the Camp, Sign'd ſome Commiſſions that were vacant, and left it to Brigadier General Conqueſt to inſert the Names of whom he thought fit; this by his Order entitles you to be youngeſt Lieutenant of Granadiers, I have preſented you to my Company, and wiſh you Joy of your Commiſſion.
Wild. And I, Sir.
Heart. And I, Sir.
Maj. Buck. I fear our great ſcarcity of Officers will occaſion your coming immediately upon Duty, the Inſtructions I have already given you, will be ſome help to you, but my Serjeant ſhall attend you till you have got a true Knowledge of our Diſcipline; in an Hour's Time, I wou'd have you meet me at the General's, where, I believe, I ſhall have occaſion for your Service.
Char. With a great deal of Satisfaction I ſhall obey your Orders. Gentlemen, your Servant—Come, Serjeant.
Exeunt Charlotte and Serjeant.
Heart. A pretty pert young Fellow.
Wild. By the Civility of Major Buck, I ſancy 'tis a Wench of his, that he has fob'd upon the General for an Officer.
Heart. He has a very Womaniſh Face.
Maj. Buck. Upon my Honour, I never ſaw him before to Day, he's a Relation, I think, of Mrs. Conqueſt, [Page 40] he is Mannerly, and induſtriouſly willing to know his Duty, which made me take a Fancy to the Boy.
Wild. Shall we go and view yonder Battery, that our conceited French Engineer makes ſuch a-do about.
Maj. Buck. With all my Heart, ſo we keep within view of my Servant.
Heart. You'll ſoon know whether he ſucceeds in the delivery of your Letter or not.
Maj. Buck. If he does the Lady's mine, in ſpite of that envious Creature Belinda.
Wild. Good Luck attend you.
Heart. He has the Lady of his Side, which is half the Battle.
Maj. Buck. And myſelf to Command her, which is the other half.
Exeunt.
SCENE Draws to Brig. Gen. Conqueſt's Houſe.
Enter Belinda.
Bel. I find by Victoria's expoſing me to Captain Heart [...], her conſenting to have Bisket, is all Hypocriſy, I'm reſolv'd to watch her well, and no Meſſenger from Major Buck ſhall enter here without my Examination; what a miſerable Paſſion Love is, like Poverty, it forces us to many mean Actions we are aſnamed on; I have ſome Remorſe on Victoria's Account—and think it ſhocking that ſhe muſt be forc'd to marry the Man ſhe hates, but what would I not do to gain my Major Buck.
Enter Major Buck's Footman.
Foot. (Aſide.) This muſt be the Lady, by the Deſcription my Maſter has given me—Madam, if your Name's Victoria, I was ordered to deliver this Letter into your own Hands.
Bel. (Aſide.) Ha! 'tis Major Buck—his Footman —opening a Letter directed to Victoria is Barbarous —but the little God of Love muſt Anſwer for every Action that Paſſion hurries us to—
ſhe Reads.

MADAM,

CAPTAIN Hearty has given me ſome Hopes of your not liking the Coxcomb your Parents have provided as a Husband for you; I beg you would give me leave to put [Page 41] it out of the Power of their making you Miſerable; Hearty has informed me they have agreed you ſhall Marry in the Dark, and if you give me the leaſt Hopes—I'll perſonate the Santiſta, and your Father ſhall give you to me; and as it will be his own Act and Deed, I doubt not of his being ſoon reconcil'd to us, for all my Eſtate ſtall be ſettled as he thinks fit; If you agree not to this, I am the miſerableſt Wretch now living.

I am, Your Admirer, MAJOR BUCK.

Bel. Heark'e, Friend—tell the Major I like his Plot exceedingly well, and will punctually obſerve his Letter—there's ſomething for your Pains— (gives him Money.)
Foot. (Aſide) —By this Light a Moeda.
Bel. If you meet any of the Family, deny your Buſineſs here and to whom you belong.
Foot. I was ordered by my Maſter, Madam, to Foreſwear every Thing—Lying handſomely was the firſt Qualification he took a liking to me for.
Exit Footman.
Bel. Admirable cunning Witch, I'll ſpoil their Dark Intrigue, and fit 'em with Hypocriſy; and ſince he will Perſonate this Bisket, I'll be his Victoria, and make him mine in ſpite of all his cunning Plots.
Exit.
SCENE Draws to the Camp.
Enter Brigadier General Conqueſt, Mackentoſh, and Cadwallader.
Brig. Gen. Con. I knew it muſt be a Feint of the Enemy; they had only a mind to change the Situation of their Camp, for the better conveniency of Forage.
Mac. Af the Portugueſe General were of my Mind, and the Spaniards wonnot Attack us, bred we would Attack them.
Cad. Cot knows, if I was within Arms length of a Tozen of my Enemies, here I wot haſ them, and there I wot haſ them, till they lookt like a Plew Apron.
[Page 42] Brig. Gen. Con. Your Bravery, Gentlemen, wants ſome Conduct to govern it, the Conſequence of a Battle, were we beaten, might be the ruin of Portugal, for the Enemy wou'd March immediately to Lisbon.
Mac. B [...]t an we lay'd about us with a gued Will, we wanno leave Lags enow for them to March thither with, Sir.
Cad. And py my good will many of them ſhou't go thither without their Heads.
Brig. Gen. Con. If the whole Army had your Gallantry and Reſolution, much might be done, but in a Number of Men there are always ſome Baſhful on [...].
Mac. Gued Faith, I'll anſwer for our own Regiment, not a Man of us will duck his Head at a Cannon Ball.
Cad. Splutter her Nails I have a Company of pol [...] Prittains ſhall make Toaſted Cheeſe of 'em, and devour 'em when they have ton.
Brig. Gen. Con. I hope before the Campaign is over, we ſhall have occaſion to Try their Courage—have you many Criminals for the Court-Martial.
Mac. Only a Fellow that committed a Rape, with Thieves and a Deſerter.
Cad. Indeed we want Men, ſo that it 'tis for the goot of the Service to Hang no Poty.
Brig. Gen. Con. They are Summon'd to appear at my Quarters, and you are Preſident.
Mac. Yes, gend Sir, and 'tis now about the Time of meeting, and they can pack out Officers that are well enough to make a Bord.
Enter Major Buck, Wildiſh, Hearty, O'Rourk, Luconnel, and Footman.
Major Buck. (to his Fostmon,) thou haſt perform'd wonders, and ſhe was very much pleas'd.
Serv. Prodigiouſly overjoy'd, Sir.
Brig. Gen. Con. (E [...]ing of them.) So, Gentlemen, you may Sleep in whole Skins, for this Night.
Major Buck (Aſide) I am very glad on't, for methinks I'd willingly be married before I'm knock'd on the Head.
Maj. O'Rourk By my Shoule, I did lay a Vager with my nownſelf, dat dere vid be no Battle, and fait now I have won.
[Page 43] Col. Mac. Wall, Sir,— (to ORourk.) than you will be ſtall at your [...]riciſm, waunds, Sir, I naver mat a Man of Sance that came out of your country, but Major Buck, there.
Capt. Luc. He is de very pritty Gentilman, he love de Ingenneer very well.
Maj. O'Rourk. Arrah, by my Shoul now I have catch'd you, dear joy, for he was born at Mac Farty, in the County of Tipperary, as well as my ſelf, he did Suck of the ſame Nurſe, he did Eat his Potatoes out of the ſame Backſide, and his Bonny Clabber came from my Moder's Bull: Den how de Devil ſhou'd he have more Sence den I, by St. Patrick, he only ſpeaks his vords one way, and I do ſpeak them an oder vay, but we do mean de ſame Ting.
Maj. Buck. Exactly, my dear Country man.
Brig. Gen. Con. You are merry Gentlemen truly.
Capt. Luc. Jerny Divil if de Enemy no make a de Attack, vat vil de Battery ſigniſie.
Col. Mac. Jaſt as much, Sir, as if they had made an Attack, it would have been of no uſe.
Cad. Cot knows, then it wout have pin like him ſelf.
Capt. Luc. You are de Gentilmens Soultiers, dat know hou to mount de Brech, beat a de Parley, Exchange a de Hoſtage, make a de Article, and take a de Town, but you know noting of de Fortifications, I am de Gentilman, dat can make a de Hornwork, and de Crownwork before de curtain, de ſingle Tenaille, de double Tenaille, de Fort, de Citadell, de Mine, and de Draw-Brige, begar, clap a de Ravelin upon de Ravelin, and keep a de Town from a Surrenter, ten Undred Thouſand Year.
Cad. If I hat a Prittain in my Company, ſhout tell me ſuch a ſtory, I know what I wot tell him.
Wild. I have ſeen him throw a Bomb into a Snuff-Box.
Cad. Will you juſtify this to any Shentleman's face, Sir.
Capt. Luc. Tis very true begar.
Heart. Ay and ſeen him ſhoot a Cannon Ball point [Page 44] blank between a Spaniſh Horſe's Legs, and take away nothing but his Tale.
Cad. Are you a Man of Honour, Sir, and tell ſuch a parcel of what ſhall I call 'em.
Capt Luc. I remember de Ting ver well, it was upon de Wager.
Maj. Buck. But I ſhall never forget his Blowing up the Citadel without ſpringing a Mine, or having any Gun-Powder to do it with.
Capt. Luc. Oh I had ſerved twenty Citadels ſo before dat.
Cad. Plow up the Citadel without Gun Powder, dere is my Glove—any Shentleman that will pretent to inſiſt upon the truth of this Tings, by St. Tavit, I will have his Plout.
Brig. Gen. Con. What do you mean by that?
Cadw. I toe mean, Sir, that every Soultier ought to pe a Man of Honour, that will ſtant to every Ting he ſays, or peg Parten for telling of Lyes; who takes up my Glove?
Brig. Gen. Con. Prithee Cadwallader, take up the Glove your ſelf, or I ſhall confine you, don't you perceive theſe Gentlemen are merry.
Col. Mac. Can you not find out, Man, that they talk theſe ſtorys to laugh at tha French man, and not affront you, Sir, but you would be a better Man than you are, if you could govern your Paſſions better.
Cadw. Why if the General to think me in the wrong, Cot knows, I will eat my Glove my ſelf, and kiſs you all rount, put the Frenchman here.
Capt. Luc. Ha, ha, for all dat, I cannot help tinking my ſelf de greateſt Ingeneer in de hole Vorld, notwithſtanding your Vauborn, Cohorn, and dem Gentlemen
Col. Mac. Wounds, Sir, an I cannot help thinking another Thing.
Capt. Luc. Vat is that, my good Colonel?
Col. Mac. That you are the conceitedeſt ſally Fellow, that your Country ever bred, Sir, and ge [...]d faith, they have b [...]ed abundance.
Maj. O'Rourk By my Shoul, and ſo they have, Sir, arrah, I know ſeveral of his Countrymen, dat have [Page 45] been Born and Bred in Ireland, and dey have been very ſilly Fellows, but very great Matematicians, by my Shoul.
Maj. Buck. Well ſaid, my dear Countryman.
Brig. Gen. Con. Will theſe Animoſities and Country Reflections never ceaſe, for ſhame Gentlemen, be more united amongſt yourſelves, if you're ſo mutinous when Sober, ſhure you're very quarrelſome in your Drink.
Col. Mac. Geud faith, Sir, Sober or Drunk I'le always ſpeak Truth, an I would have Flatter'd, Sir, I woul't have a Regiment afore now.
Cadw. An I whot have pin as unjuſt as other People, I wot have pin very Rich.
Brig. Gen. Con. Are all theſe Gentlemen upon the Court-Martial.
Col. Mac. Ary Soul on 'm, Sir.
Brig. Gen. Con. The more haſte you make to diſpatch it in, the more time we ſhall have for Mirth; generous Wine is the great preſervative of our Healths, in theſe ſickly Times, and I'll give you a Bottle of the beſt in Portugal,—come, Gentlemen, let us March, — (he goes out, the reſt of the Company following him.)
Maj. O'Rourk. (To Major Buck.) by my Shoul, my dear Major, I was very glad to ſee you, before I did hear you was come from England
Maj. Buck. (Mimtcking of him,) Arrah, my dear Countryman, I will be after kiſſing of you for your Friendſhips.
Maj. O'Rourk. If I was to live a Hundred Years, by my Shoul I would tay to Morrow, that I might ſerve you.
Exeunt.
Enter Serjeant File-off, Charlotte, Clara, Willmot, and other Soldiers.
File off. So, Sir, March 'em this way—take long ſtrides, turn out your Toes—keep the diſtance of your Pike from 'em, and once in four Steps look back with a ſcornful Countenance,—very well, now halt, face about upon one Heel, ſtick your Pike in the Ground, ſhake your Head,—and with a terrible Voice, cry Silence.
[Page 46] Char. Silence.
File-off. Now pull out your Snuff-Box, walk pragmatically two or three Times along the Front, give your half Pike to your Foot-Boy—and Erect your Cane with a ſort of a Flouriſh—now you may if you pleaſe Swear a Hundred Oaths at each Soldier— tho' of late that part of the Diſcipline is left off, for the more Subſtantial one of Caning,—ſee that every Soldier ſtands Erect, turns out his Toes and lets his Firelock hang eaſy on his Shoulder—now, Sir, give your ſelf a few Military Airs.
Char. (Strikes one of the Fellows.) Is that a Poſture for a Gentleman Soldier, Sirrah, (to another.) who cockt your Cap for you. Dog, ha!—(to another) I'll teach you to roll your Neckcloth better Villain, (to another) how dare you appear without powder'd Hair, and a clean Shirt, do you think you five Pence a Day is allow'd you only to Eat and Drink with, Raſcal— to Willmot—what the Devil for a Fellow have we got here, clap your Piece thus, Sirrah, your Hand here, and hold up your Head, or I'll knock it off your Shoulders.
Wilm. This is a worſe Plague than any I have yet met with.
Aſide.
File off. Upon my Honour, Sir, you take Notice of every Thing as exactly, as if you had been a Major this thirty Years.
Char. What's the meaning of your Lock being ſo ruſty, Sirrah.
Sold. Why I ſtood Centry in the Rain, I'm put upon double Duty, and had not Time to clean it.
Char. (Beats him.) do you mutter, Sirrah, how dare you pretend to give a Reaſon for any Thing I have a mind to find Fault with.
File-off. No General Officer could have ſaid a more Soldier like Thing, than that.
Cla. I find my Miſtreſs is reſolved to be Revenged upon the whole Sex—
Aſide.
File-off. Now, Sir, pray try if you can Remember the Exerciſe.
Char. Silence — Clap your Right Hand to your Firelocks.
[Page 47] File-off. (To the Soldiers) altogether there.
Char. Porſe your Firelocks—to Wilmot— Villain, I'll ſtick you if thou do'ſt not mind the Words of Command.
Wilm. I wiſh he would, that I might be eas'd of his Damn'd Impertinence.
Aſide.
Char. Reſt your Fire locks, Fools, Blockheads, Dogs, do it all together.
File off. That Paſſion of Yours is very graceful, and is one of the politeſt Parts of the Art Military.
Char. (beats Wilmot.) Villain, I'll have thee tied Neck and Heels immediately, thou awkward Dog.
Wilm. My Soul's above taking a Blow from ſuch a Raſcal as thou art (preſenting his Piece.) therefore at they Heart.
The Serjeant knocks the Piece out of his Hand, and they ſeize him.
File-off. What is the Fellow mad, mutinying againſt your Officer, and Conſpiring his Death, thou wilt be Shot, my Dear.
Cla. Oh! Heavens what an Eſcape was here.
File-off. If you pleaſe, Sir, we'll carry him to the Prova's, the Court Martial ſits immediately, he may be Condemn'd to Day and Shot to morrow.
Wilm. The ſooner the better, I'm weary of my Life, and wiſh to loſe it.
1. Sold. Nay I can come in as a witneſs to prove he is a bloody minded Dog.
2d Sold. And I heard him ſay when Roger and I were talking politickly of our coming from England to ſupport the Portugueſe againſt Arbitrary Power and Popery, and to maintain them in Liberty and Property and ſo forth, he made Anſwer they might go and he Damn'd.
1. Sold. No, he did not ſay ſo bad as that, neither, he only wiſh'd 'em all at the Devil.
Char. Drag him along murdering Raſcal, I'll ſee the End of him.
Wilm. As I would of thee if was I at Liberty.
Cla. Pray hold him faſt.
File-off. Here—you two March before him, —and you two follow him if he offers to make his Eſcape, ſhoot him Dead on the Spot.
[Page 48] 1. Sold. As a Herring Serjeant, I warrant you— I have an old Ninimoſity againſt him, and therefore will be ſure to lodge my Bullets as near his Heart as I can.
File-off. (At the Head of 'em) march.
Exeunt all but Charlotte and Clara.
Clara. 'Tis well he is ſecur'd, I tremble every Joint of me; what, dear Madam, could provoke you to run this Hazard.
Char. Revenge, Revenge, my dear Clara, I'm weary of my Life, and ſince I've loſt my Willmot, I'll conſpire the Death of all his Sex.
Clara. And ſo die in the Attempt; pray give o'er theſe bloody-minded Reſolutions, confeſs yourſelf a Woman, and let's take the firſt Opportunity of returning to England.
Char. I'm reſolv'd to ſignalize myſelf before I leave the Army, and let the World ſee how much they are miſtaken in my Sex's Cowardice. Come along, Clara I'll gain a Regiment, and make thee a Captain.
Clara. Nay, Madam, I vow I think your Courage inſpires me.
Char. 'Tis about the Time I promiſed my Captain to attend him at the General's, come along, my Girl.
How well, how great 'twill look in after Story,
When they ſhall read a Woman gain'd this Glory,
To fight, to vanquiſh, govern and command,
And like a Hero dy'd with Sword in Hand.
Exeunt.
Enter Second Enſign.
2. Enſi. Why, here now have I taken Money for Brandy, and gone and loſt it at the Pinch-Office; nay, Brandy won't ſetch it again: I muſt lug out my Livelyhood the Moment Brother Surly comes, that's certain —why the Devil ſhould I grudge fighting with him for thirty Shillings, when every Day I venture my Life for Two and Six pence.
Enter Surly.
Sur. Oh! your Servant, Sir; well, where's the Brandy.
2. Enſi. Why, hav'ent—you—got it—I— [Page 49] I—and you hant it; my Dog of a Servant; and ſo you have not got it.
Sur. Lookee, Sir, I'm well aſſur'd neither you nor I have it; you have loſt my Money at the Pinch-Office, brag'd of over-reaching me, and made me the laughing Stock of the Company; therefore draw.
2. Enſi. Draw—ay, with all my Heart; and you poſitively have not had the Brandy; why then, I'll make it my Bargain, if I kill you, it ſhall be in full of all Accounts: I'll give your Executors and Adminiſtrators no farther Satisfaction—then Witneſs my Hand, and ſo forth.
Sur. I'll give you a Receipt in full for your Jeſt immediately; come, Sir—as they are going to fight, enter firſt Enſign, his Hat full of Money, goes between 'em.
1. Enſi. What, becauſe the Enemy won't fight with us, we muſt quarrel amongſt ourſelves, muſt we? Put up your Swords, or I ſwear by the Pinch-Office I'll throw a Handful in your Faces, and demoliſh your Countenances, ſo that you ſhall loſe the Uſe of 'em.
2. Enſi. Ha! Gold (throwing away his Sword) Sir, I beg my Life with all my Heart, I'm ſorry I have offended you: my dear Comrade, I adore thee; put on my Hat, you'll catch cold.
1. Enſi. None of your coaxing—here, take a Pocket full, and pay your Debts.
2. Enſi. There, Sir, (to Surly.) there's your paultry Sum, I ſcorn to be in any Man's Debt, I love to pay every Body his own, and no Body can charge me with doing any Thing that's unlike a Man of Honour, and an Officer.
Sur. Why, Brother, your Friend and Servant, and ſo forth.
1. Enſi. Do you know of any Body that has a mind to part with a Regiment; I'll either buy a Regiment, or go and keep a Bank.
2. Enſi. By all means keep a Bank: If we thrive, there will be Money enough to buy two Regiments.
Sur. And if you don't.
2. Enſi. Why we ſhall be juſt in the ſame Condition we were in an Hour ago.
Enter Serjeant File-off.
[Page 50] 1. Enſi. Oh! Serjeant, did you go to my Man.
File-off. Ay, Sir, and he told me you had bamboard me, and he was ſure, I was bit: For there had not been a Moeda in your green Purſe ſince the laſt Pay-Day.
1. Enſi. An impudent Dog, to diſgrace his Maſter ſo; I'll pay him his Wages, and force him to carry Arms. —Here, Serjeant, I never let a Man come twice after me for Money.
File-off. I always ſaid you were an honourable Gentleman—there is a Court-Martial at the General's Quarters. I was order'd by the Preſident to deſire you would all attend there immediately: I ſuppoſe you have been ſummon'd already.
1. Enſi. Adſo, muſt I ſpend none of my Money till the Court-Martial is over; that will be a deviliſh Self-denial; but come along.
2. Enſi. Let's be ſerious, we are to be Judges of Life and Death.
Sur. And to hang, draw and quarter with ourſelves.
Exeunt.

1.5. ACT V.

SCENE the General's.
Enter Mrs. Conqueſt and Belinda.
Mrs. Con. I Have told the General my Reſolution, and he's well pleas'd they ſhould be marry'd this Night; he thinks it a very ſilly Whim of the Girl to have the Ceremony perform'd in the Dark; but however I have perſuaded him to conſent to it.
Bel. Since 'tis her Fancy, I would by no means have you againſt it, (aſide.) 'tis the only Stratagem I have, or can propoſe, to make Major Buck mine.
Mrs. Con. After the Court-martial, my Huſband has invited all the Officers to ſup with him; he'll ſteal out and have the Ceremony perform'd, and then ſurprize them with the Wedding.
Bel. Then I hope Mirth will crown the Evening, (Aſide.) and much Company will favour my Deſign.
Enter Biſket dreſt like a Fop.
Biſk. How do you like me now, my dear Mother inLaw—won't [Page 51] this Sight win her Heart, Belinda▪
Bel. Your Dreſs is very elegant.
Biſk. Do but ſmell how I'm perfum'd.
Mrs. Con. Ah! dear Son-in Law, don't come near me, your Perfumes ſtrike me dead, I'm all over Vapours.
Biſk. Heigh day! good lack! why then my Eſſence is become a Nuiſance, I am ſorry I put myſelf to the Charge of offending you, and wiſh with all my Heart I had come as I us'd to do.
Bel. Your natural Smell will ſoon get the better of thoſe ſtinking Sweets.
Biſk. I vow I hope they will; I proteſt I thought Perfumes had been a Mark of Gentility.
Mrs. Con. Well, the General has agreed to all our Propoſals, your Miſtreſs has conſented, and therefore you may in a few Hours prepare to be happy. I muſt about my Family Affairs.
Exit.
Biſk. I don't care how-ſoon the Ceremony is over, —for I met that terrible-looking Fellow, my Rival, juſt now, and he caſt ſuch an inveterate Eye at me, that my poor Heart has flutter'd up and down, like a wild Jack-Daw in a Wicker Cage, ever ſince.
Bel. Oh! there's no fear of him, I'll take care he ſhall not moleſt you, 'tis your Miſtreſs's Pleaſure you ſhould marry in the Dark, the Company is to be ſurpriz'd with your good Fortune, for you are to ſteal out one by one—I'll tell you when 'tis your Cue.
Biſk. Adad very pretty, that will be wiping the Major's Noſe with one of my own Handkerchiefs. Thou art a delicate Creature, Mrs. Belinda, and for your good Offices, I proteſt when my Wife dies, you ſhall be my ſecond, if you pleaſe, (Aſide.) tho' I'd as lieve be married to the Devil.
Bel. Well, when that Day comes, I ſhall claim your Promiſes, (Aſide.) tho' Death to me would be much pleaſanter to me than ſuch a Coxcomb(to him.) Come, Sir, we'll go to your Miſtreſs, keep cloſe to her, leſt ſhe changes her Mind.
Biſk. Oh! when ſhe ſees me thus compleatly dreſt, 'twill be impoſſible for her to deny me any thing; methinks I do look very bewitchingly, Belinda.
Bel. I have much a-do, to keep from admiring you.
[Page 52] Biſk. Say'ſt thou ſo, poor Girl; why then I won't look lovely on you, but ſquint when I turn towards you.
Bel. Come, keep your fine Words, and look for your Victoria.
Biſk. I proteſt and ſo I will.
Exeunt.
Enter the Provoſt, ſeveral Criminals, Willmot in Chains, with a Guard, and Soldiers Wives.

Before they come in, they cry make Way there.

Prov. Stand by, have a nice Eye upon that dogget Fellow, he has a very hanging Look.
1. Trull. Ah! my dear Huſband, I'm the unfortunateſt Woman in the World, to be married to eleven, and to have 'em all come to untimely Ends, 'tis a great Grief.
2. Trull. No, no, 'tis no Misfortune to you, it's what you have been us'd to, and uſe is a ſecond Nature; but I that have had thirteen Huſbands, and the laſt only to come to an ill end, 'tis a terrible, diſmal, horrid Story, ſo it is.
1. Crim. Prithee hold thy Tongue, I'd rather die than be ſent ſick to the Hoſpital; as for you, Moll, an I'm condem'd, I bequeath you to my Comrade.
2. Trull. Ah, good now, don't, dear Salt Petre, any Body but he my good Huſband.
1. Crim. Hold your Tongue, Fool, 'tis my laſt Will and Teſtament, and I will have it obey'd, or I won't die quietly.
2. Trull. Cries.
2. Crim Well, Alice, my laſt dying Speech is e'en marry whom you will, all my Comfort is, when I'm once hang'd, I can't be married to you again.
1. Trull. Ah, ah, I knew you were nigh your end, by your talking ſo light headedly about the Wiſe of your Boſom.
1. Crim. Well, hanging to me is a ſtrange thing, I'm like a Fiſh out of Water—and don't know whether I ſhould repent of my Sins before I'm condemn'd, or after.
2. Crim. Ah, the ſooner you begin the better, for you have a woundy many to anſwer for; now thank my Stars, my Conſcience is not much troubled, I have only the common Army Sins, of whoring, drinking, thieving, murder, lie at my Door.
[Page 53] Willm. Oh! horrid—ſuch wicked Wretches I never met with; the Miſery of ſuffering with 'em, is more than the Pains of Death can be—well, Fellow, what do we ſtand here for; why don't you lead on?
Prov. I loiter the Time away, that you may prepare yourſelf for dying, for you will be hang'd, Friend, very ſuddenly.
Willm. Make haſte, and lead me to it; I wiſh for't, that I may be rid of thee, Raſcal.
Prov. Lookee, an you don't give good Words, you ſhan't be hang'd this Week, nay, may be never.
1. Crim. The Devil's in the Fellow I think, for provoking of him; would I was over Head and Ears in Death, and then I ſhould be out of my Pain.
2. Trull. I'm ſure I ſhall have no Comfort of my Life till 'tis over with you, either one way or other.
Prov. Come—march on— (they go out in the Order they came in, and the Women cry)
SCENE draws to the Generals.
A Table and Chairs for the Court-Martial.
Enter Judge Advocate, and his Clerk.
Judge. Come, take out the Copy of all the Courts-Martial, and lay the Articles of War, and the Book to ſwear Witneſſes with, in their proper order; we have but little Buſineſs To-day, no intricate perplexing Matters, nothing but down right Sentence of Death; it will be ſoon over.
Clerk. Ah, there's a great deal of Pleaſure in our Trade, where a Man's Life depends upon one ſingle Article; a Sentence of Death is given in a Moment, but when they come to fending and proving, it occaſions a great deal of Writing.
Enter Colonel Mackentoſh, Major O'Rourki, Major Buck, Cadwallader, Wildiſh, Hearty, Captain LaCunette, Surly, Rag, Standard, and three other Officers, to make up the Court-Martial.
Col. Mac. Come, bonny Lads—tak your Seſſions according to'll your Qualities; our Officers are ſo ſackly, that we were forc't to ſummons aw you Subalterns; come, ſeat your ſals. Wall, Mr. Judge, lat us begin as ſoon as you pleaſe.
Judge. Gentlemen, you are by Virtue of a Warrant, [Page 54] ſign'd by the General, to enquire into all Complaints and Miſdemeanours that ſhall come before you; and upon Witneſs, or Confeſſion of the Party, you are to proceed to give judgment, according to the Articles of War. You have already been ſworn, Gentlemen, and may proceed
Col. Mac. Have you a Liſt of the Priſoners, and their Crimes.
Clerk. It lies before your Honour.
Cadw. Here, give it me, I will look it over.
Col. Mac. (Snatches it from him.) waunds, that's when I have done with it, Sir.
Cadw. Coot now, what a Paſſion hur is in; if we were not upon Puſſineſs, hur cout be in as great a Paſſion as herſelf, Cot knows.
Col. Mac. Well, my Ladds, an you thank fat we'll gang upon the Affairs.
Aito. As ſoon as you pleaſe.
Judge. Call in John Tinder-Box, and the Witneſſes againſt him.
Enter one Criminal, and two Witneſſes.
Clerk. (To the Witneſſes.) Come here, you. (He makes as if he ſwears 'em.)
Judge. Friend—what have you to ſay againſt the Priſoner?—ſtand forward.
1. Wit. Exce'entiſſimos Eſta Ladrono, Diabolo Soldada vincoe, me a cauſaitomar um porca & todos: neos couſes—per mangero—ſe ſenhor procerto.
Maj. O'Rourk. By my Shoule, dear Joy, I do not think he is a good Vitneſs; for, as de Fellow muſt be try'd by the Laws of his own Country, ſo it ought to be upon de Allegatory of de Vitneſſes of his own Country too.
Maj. Buck. Well ſaid, Country-man.
Cadw. Look here now, this is a nice Point, and a very knotty Part of the Law.
Col. Mac. Geud Sir, and you underſtand Portugueze as wile as oy, you'd find the Priſoner that is before you has been a Rogue, that has ſtole aw the Fellow's Vittals; I think we ſhould agree to hang him; what Deſance have you to mak for your ſal, Sir?
Crim. Why, and pleaſe your Judge-ſhip, none at all, but that he's a Papiſh.
[Page 55] Cadw. Well, that is a pretty Court Reaſon too.
Maj. Buck. And your Hatred to his Religion made you ſteal his Proviſions.
Crimi. I plunder'd him out of pure Zeal, noble Major; beſides, I muſt have ſtarv'd if I had not don't; ſo I plead the General Statute, which is, Neceſſity has no Law.
Capt. Wild. Why, are you not paid your Subſiſt?
Crim. Why, not enough to ſubſiſt on: One Year indeed I have a new Coat; next Year I make a Waiſtcoat on't; the third Year a Pair of Breeches; and after that, it makes a Cap; the Commiſſary of the Stores makes my Captain pay Four and Six-pence for an Iriſh Pair of Shoes, worth Half a Crown; and he ſtops but Five Shillings oat of my Subſiſt for 'em.
Capt. Hearty. The Fellow looks as if he'd tell us our own.
Crim. I have heard of Contingencies, and People's doing Juſtice; but I never met with any Thing but Stoppages and Hardſhips.
Judge. Friend, the Court has been ſo favourable, as to give you the Liberty of juſtifying yourſelf, inſtead of which you are accuſing other Folks.
Crim. No, Sir; I'm only ſhewing you, that their ſtealing from me, is the main Cauſe of my ſtealing from others.
Capt. La Cu. He is a damn'd Rogue; he ought to be hang't for ſpeaking againſt all de Perquiſites of de Army.
Cadw. Cot knows you are a Man of pritty Conſcience, to hang a Gentleman Soultier for ſpeaking Truth.
Judge. (To the other Witneſs.) Are you a Witneſs, Friend?
2. Witn. I'm the Interpreter to this Portugueze, and will ſwear any Thing he ſays.
Col. Mac. You may all withdraw, Sir; charge the Provoſt with his Priſoner there.
Crim (to the Clerk.) Sir, here's half a Cruſade for you, only to tell me how you think it will go with me.
Clerk. Why, Friend, you know I'm Sworn to Secreſy, but provided you'll never declare it to any Body, I will tell you.
[Page 56] Crim. Not I, upon my Soul, Sir.
Clerk. Then you'll certainly be hang'd, as I'm now alive.
Crim. Sir, I thank you, it ſhall go no further for me.
(Exeunt Criminal and Witneſſes.)
Judge. Call in Straitup, and the Witneſſes againſt him.
Wild. That's your ſine Gentleman I think, Major Buck.
Maj. Buck. Yes truly a very ſine Fellow he would have Murdered his Officer.
Enter Willmot, Charlotte, and File-off.
Judge. Stand there, Sir, what have you to ſay againſt the Priſoner?
Char. As I was upon my Duty, exerciſing ſome Soldiers, this Fellow behaved himſelf very awkwardly, and with an air of ſtubbornneſs, for which I very gently corrected him; he immediately preſented his Piece at me, and if it had not been for the Serjeant here, had ſhot me through the Head.
File-off. Yes had I not prevented him, he had lodg'd a brace of Bullets in my Officer's Skull.
Mac. Wounds, Sir, this was an inſolency that an you had ran him through the Body, Sir, or cut him to pieces, ye had been juſtified, but we'll take care to ſee him hang'd, as an Example to aw bloody Rogues.
Cad. Cot knows I am for roaſting him alive, hat you the Deſle pefore your Eyes, you Villain you
O'Rourk. By my ſhoul he ſholt be twenty Years hanging upon a Gibbet, and then he will die a lingering Death.
La Cu. Jerney blew, ſerve him like de Proteſtant in France.
Willm. Gentlemen, I'm ſenſible this Court has great Power, and therefore are Judges of Life and Death; I have long been weary of my Life, and wiſhed to have loſt it nobly in the Field; I was never us'd to Blows, and therefore the inſolence of this young Fellow provok'd the Paſſion, which led me into that raſh Action; and ſince your Sentence is paſs'd on me, I'll die contented,—but know I'm a Gentleman of a plentiful Eſtate, and good Family, in Cornwall; I was impoſed [Page 57] on by an ungrateful Woman, whom I long had lov'd, her uſage forc'd me from my native Country, and was the cauſe of this my ſhameful Sentence! O cruel barbarous Charlotte!
Char. Oh Heavens! what do I here:
ſhe ſwoons in the Serjeant's Arms.
Major Buck. (Riſes.) What ails the young Fellow?
Char. (Recovers.) Oh! Willmot, Willmot, wretched, moſt wretched Charlotte!
Wil. Ha, did ſhe ſay Charlotte, Fool that I was, not to find her out; 'tis ſhe, 'tis ſhe, the perjur'd, charming, falſe deluding, Charlotte.
Major Buck. 'Tis indeed a Woman, and a very ſoft bewitching one.
Mac. Waunds an Women begin to turn Officers, 'tis Time for Men to gang Hame about their affairs.
Judge. The Clock has ſtruck One, ſo we muſt adjourn the Court till to-morrow at Ten.
Maj. O'Rourk. By my Shoul, 'tis high Time to adjourn a Court, ven ſo intricate an Affair as this comes upon us.
Cad. Cot knows, 'tis a point in Law, put if I was alone py my ſhelf, I could decite it to poth theirs Satisfactions.
La Cu. 'Tis de very knotty point, a begar ve don't know veder he's to be married or hang'd.
Wil. Her ſits are very ſtrong, for Heaven's ſake, call the Ladies and acquaint the General with this accident, to him I'm known.
Wild. That ſhall be my Arrant.
Major Buck. if you have an Opportunity, acquaint Victoria with our deſign.
Aſide.
Wild. You may aſſure yourſelf I will.
Exit Wildiſh.
Char. (Recovers.) Oh! where's my Willmot?
Wil. Here, perfidious Charmer!
Char. Have I run all the Hazards in the World to find thee out, repented of my ill uſage to thee, and thus far followed you to take away your Life, 'tis a grief I never can ſurvive.
Enter Clara.
Cla. —Oh! Heavens what ails my dear Lady.
Char. Oh! Clara, ſee there my Wilmot, no ſooner [Page 58] found than loſt, and 'tis by my proſecution he muſt ſuffer Death.
Cla. Say not ſo, my dear Lady.
Mac. Waunds, Madam, an that be your Grief; we ſhall never hang a Man for a Woman, an you had been a real Officer, geud faith aw his Eſtate ſhou'd not have bought his Life.
Char. And is he not to ſuffer Death?
Mac. An you dono kall him with kindneſs, he may live till he's weary of you.
Maj. O'Rourk. By my Shoul, that is all our opinions.
Cad. Nay, and it is mine too.

Enter Brigadier General Conqueſt, Mrs. Conqueſt, Belinda, and afterwards Wildiſh, and Victoria.

Wild. (to Victoria.) nothing can redeem you but that.
Mrs. Con. Willmot, my dear Friend, it is with wonder and ſurpriſe, I've heard your Story.
Wilm. See there, Sir, is your Niece Charlotte.
Women. Charlotte!
Mrs. Con. I'm all amazement, come to my Arms, my deareſt Child.
Vict. Couſin, this is romantick truly.
Brig. Gen. Con. Have you ſerv'd me ſo, Mad-cap; you are under my Command now, and I'll take care to give you a Poſt for Life; there, Willmot, lift her under you, and if ſhe offers to deſert, the Court Martial ſhe brought you too, is ſtill in being. Come, Gentlemen, this is a joyful Day, you have been Judging on Life and Death; you now ſhall at the ſame Table, try the Cauſe over a Bottle: Some Wine here, pray uſe no Ceremony, you all are welcome.
Bel. Obſerve, Madam, how he eyes her (to Mrs. Conqueſt.) if you haſten not the Match, he certainly will find means to break it off, and then ſhe's miſerable.
Mrs. Con. The Chaplain is in the Parlour waiting for 'em, it ſhall be done immediately.
Enter Biſket.
Bis. A Woman my Friend, Mr. Hickumbuz, a Woman at laſt, and my Couſin that is to be; adad, if, I had known that as we Travel'd, I ſhould have made uſe of the Opportunity of lying in the ſame Room with her.
Mrs. Con. (to her Husband.) My dear, I have particular Reaſons, for haſtening the Marriage, the Chaplain [Page 59] waits for you in the Alcove, and the Room is darken'd.
Brig. Gen. Con. It ſhall be done forthwith— (to them.) come, Gentlemen, pray, drink about, Colonel Mackintoſh, my Service to you, this Couple's health. (pointing to Wilmot and Charlotte.)—I muſt beg your Pardons, for a Moment, I'll wait on you again, before the Bottle goes round, and we will be very merry (to Biſket unobſerv'd.) do you follow me to the Alcove, the Chaplain waits for you.
(Exit Brig. Gen. Conqueſt.
Biſk. He ſhan't wait long for me, I warrant you.
Vict. So my Father's gone, they need not have bid me counterfeit a Swoon; Heaven knows, I ſoon ſhall do it naturally.
Major Buck. The General's gone, with a cue for me.
Exit.
Victoria ſwoons away in her Mother's Arms.
Mrs. Con. Ha, what ails the Child!
Bel. Her ſwooning away was a lucky accident, and Major Buck, now muſt certainly be mine.
Exit.
Biſk. So, ſo, ſhe comes to herſelf, (ſpeaks to her.) I'll go to Father, you'll follow, deary.
Vict. Immediately.
Biſk. Ah! Bisket, thou art a happy Dog.
Exit.
Mrs Con. So how is it, my dear?
Char. Her Pulſe are very quick.
Vict. Oh! I muſt have a little Air, or I ſhall faint again.
Mrs. Con. Your Father waits for you.
Vict. The open Air, Madam, or I ſhall die.
Mrs. Conqueſt and Charlotte lead her out.
Mac. The Women are all bewitch'd with ſwooning away, come, Mr. Willmot, will you drink a Bottle, at the ſame Table you had like to be condemned at?
Wil. There is a ſtrange turn in my affairs, truly.
Cad. Cot knows, the Tuty of a Husbant, is as grevious, as that of a Granadier, there is a goot deal of ſlavery in poth Services.
O'Rourk. By my Shoul, Mr. Willmot, I can by my own knowledge, foretel, that your Life hither too, has been a very odd ſort of a one.
Luc. Begar, de Shentilman come into the Army, to [Page 60] avoid his Maſtreſs—'tis very like a my caſe, for I come here to avoid my Wife begar, and ſhe is de Officer when ever ſhe pleaſſes.
Wild. Come, Hearty, here's ſucceſs to Maj. Buck.
Heart. We ſhall either be very merry, or blown up, my Heart aches for him.
O'Rourk. By my Shoul, he is my Townſman, and my Heart does ache for him always, vedere he is in Danger or not.
La Cu. He is de very pretty Gentleman, he has de very good underſtanding, and he ſeemed very much pleaſed vid my Battery, he has a pretty ſmattering in the Mattematicks, allons Bouvont Chante he Sings.
Cad. Cot pleſs hur, what a ſilly Language is here, come hur will Sing hur a Welſh Song, ſet to the Muſick of Wales. be Sings.
O'Rourk. By my Shoul, dear Joy, where is de Engliſh of that now.
Cad. Cot knows, 'tis an Original, and you have no Engliſh that can expreſs it.
Mac. Well, of aw your Songs, there's neen like the Bag Pipe Tweedales of Sawny and Jockey.
Enter Mrs. Conqueſt, Victoria, and Charlotte.
Mrs. Con. So, my Dear, I'm glad to ſee you recover'd, your Father, and Mr. Bisket wait impatiently for you in the Alcove, the Rooms are darken'd on purpoſe as you deſir'd.
Vict. What will be the end of this Day's Work, and what has Major Buck done, to ſave me from this Coxcomb ha—
Enter Major Buck, be ſmiles on her, and ſleals to bis Place at the Table.

He ſeems pleas'd, and comes from the Parlour; then ſure I may venture to advance, Madam, (to her Mother.) I hope you'll attend me to my Father.

Mrs. Con. Moſt willingly, my Dear.
Vict. And my Dear Couſin too. they go towards the Stage Door. Brig. Gen. Conqueſt ſpeaks without.
Brig. Gen. Con. You would have the Frolick of being married in the Dark, but I'll lead you to the light, and we will be very merry.
Mrs. Con. What ſays my Huſband?
[Page 61] He enters with Biſket in one Hand, and Belinda in the other.
Brig. Gen. Con. Hell and Furies, what a miſtake is this?
Bel. Torment and Confuſion, am I outwitted, Condemn'd to this Coxcomb.
Bis. Ah, Gemini, I have brought my Hogs to a Fair Market, Couzen'd by ſuch a—ſo ſo Creature, when my Head run of nothing but the beautiful Victoria, I'll go and hang myſelf, and ſo be dvorc'd.
Exit Bisk.
Bel. See how the Monſter Triumphs in his Looks, I'll go where I may never ſee him more.
Exit.
Brig. Gen. Con. Who can unfold this trickiſh Riddle?
Mrs. Con. I fear Victoria is deeply concern'd in this Plot, I know ſhe hated Bisket mortally.
Brig. Gen. Con. Did ſhe ſo, why then I'm glad ſhe miſſed him.
Major Buck. Ha! there's ſome Hope for me, ſo I muſt Beg your Pardon, when I tell you I was the cauſe of this Miſtake, I doated on your Daughter, but by the ill-natured Contrivances of Belinda, found it was impoſſible to make my Addreſſes known; hearing your Daughter deſir'd to be married in the Dark, I directed a Letter for her, but took care it ſhould fall into Belinda's Hands, wherein I offer'd to perſonate the Santiſta, ſhe believing I would drop into the Snare I lay'd for her, which was the only means I e'er could Hope to ſave Victoria from the Man ſhe hates.
Brig. Gen. Con. I did indeed deſign Bisket for my Daughter's Huſband, but ſince you have order'd it otherwiſe, Sir, I ſhall be proud of your Alliance I knew your Father well, and your behaviour in the Army has not leſſen'd my Eſteem of your Family, here, Victoria, ſince he has taken this Pains about you, I think he deſerves you.
Major Buck. I receive her with all the Joy Imaginable.
Vict. Very much with my Inclinations I am ſure.
Mrs. Con. Nay, ſince it is ſo, I wiſh you happy.
Mac. May ye be as happy, as 'tis poſſible for married Folks to be.
[Page 62] Enter Meſſenger.
Meſſ. Sir, I was ſent Expreſs from the Generals at Eſtermas with this Packet.
Brig. Gen. Con. (Reads.) Ha!—then the ſhow is over, and there's no more Work for us. Gentlemen here's an Order to proclaim a Geſſation of Arms for four Months, between Britain, France, and Spain.
Mac. Wounds, Sir, then I'll gang to Edinburgh, and live cheap upon half pay.
O'Rourk. By my Shoule, I will go into the County of Tipperary, where I can live cheaper than you, for fait now I can live for nothing.
Cad. I will go to my Seat in Wales, and keep my hant in with Shooting of Hares and Rabbits, and WildFowls, I will fatten myſelf up with Welſh Ale, and pray for another War.
La Cu. Vat muſt the poor French Gentilman do?
Mac. You muſt take Lodgings in Scho, Sir, make Perriwigs, and ſhave for two Pence.
Heart. Thank our Stars, Wildiſh, ours is an old Regiment, and we ſhall be turn'd adriſt at laſt.
Sur. We poor Subs have but a diſmal proſpect.
Char. Well, Brother Lieutenant, 'ts better than fighting of Duels tho'.
Cad. Truly, fair Laty, it was a goot Jeſt, that I mait up the matter, or he woot have pin too ſtrong for you.
1 Enſign. Come, Brother, let's ſteal off, for I am very uneaſy with all this money in my Pocket.
Brig. Gen. Con. Come, Gentlemen, after ſo long a War, 'tis high Time that we ſhould all retire, that our Nation may Recruit the Blood and Treaſure they have loſt.
The Turns and Toſſes that we meet abroad,
In our Retirement Pleaſure will afford:
Britons have gain'd in War a glovious Name,
And Soldiers will be eccbo'd out by Fame.
But ſince the Nation's Welfare to encreaſe,
All boſtile Jars and warlike Acts muſt ceaſe,
The Scns of Mars ſhall be rever'd in Peace.
FINIS.

ERRATUM. For Captain Luconnel, read every where Captain La Cunette.