[i]
Treatises writ by the same Author, most of them mentioned in the following Discourses; which will be speedily published.
A
Character of the present Set of Wits in this Island.
A Panegyrical Essay upon the Number THREE.
A Dissertation upon the principal Productions of Grub-street.
Lectures upon a Dissection of Human Nature.
A Panegyrick upon the World.
An Analytical Discourse upon Zeal, Histori-theo-physi-logically considered.
A general History of Ears.
A modest Defence of the Proceedings of the Rabble in all Ages.
A Description of the Kingdom of Absurdities.
A Voyage into England, by a Person of Quality in Terra Australis incognita, translated from the Original.
A Critical Essay upon the Art of Canting, Philosophically, Physically, and Musically cons-
idered.
[ii]
A
TALE
OF A
TUB.
Written for the Universal Improvement of Mankind.
Diu multumque desideratum.
To which is added,
An ACCOUNT of a
BATTEL
BETWEEN THE
Antient and Modern BOOKS
in St. James's Library.
Basima escabasa eanaa irraurista, diarba da caeo-
taba fobor camelanthi. Iren. Lib. r. C. 18.
— Juvatque noves decerpere flores,
Insignemque meo capiti petere inde coronam,
Unde prius nulli velarunt tempora Musæ. Lucret.
The Third Edition Corrected.
LONDON: Printed for John Nutt, near Stationers-
Hall. MDCCIV.
[iii]
TO The Right Honourable, JOHN Lord SOMMERS.
My
LORD,
THO' the Author has written a large Dedication, yet That being address'd to a Prince, whom I am never likely to have the Honor of being known to; A Person, besides, as far as I can observe, not at all regarded, or thought on by any of our present Writers; And, I being wholly free from that Slavery, which Booksellers usually lye under, to the Caprices of Authors; I think it a wise Piece of Presumption, to inscribe these Papers to your Lordship, and to implore your Lordship's Protection of them. God and your Lordship know their Faults, and their Merits; for as to my own Particular, I am altogether a Stranger to the Matter; And, tho' every Body else should be equally ignorant, I do not fear the Sale of the Book, at all the worse, upon that Score. Your Lord-ship's
A3
[iv]
ship's Name on the Front, in Capital Letters, will at any time get off one Edition: Neither would I desire any other Help, to grow an Alderman, than a Patent for the sole Priviledge of Dedicating to your Lordship.
I should now, in right of a Dedicator, give your Lordship a List of your own Virtues, and, at the same time, be very unwilling to offend your Modesty; But, chiefly, I should celebrate your Liberality towards Men of great Parts and small Fortunes, and give you broad Hints, that I mean my self. And, I was just going on in the usual Method, to peruse a hundred or two of Dedications, and transcribe an Abstract, to be applied to your Lordship; But, I was diverted by a certain Accident. For, upon the Covers of these Papers, I casually observed written in large Letters, the two following Words, DETUR DIGNISSIMO; which, for ought I knew, might contain some important Meaning. But, it unluckily sell out, that none of the Authors I employ, understood Latin (tho' I have them often in pay, to translate out of that Language) I was therefore compelled to have recourse to the Curate of our Parish, who Englished it thus, Let it be given to the Worthiest; And his Comment was, that the Author meant, his
[v]
his Work should be dedicated to the sublimest Genius of the Age, for Wit, Learning, Judgment, Eloquence and Wisdom. I call'd at a Poet's Chamber (who works for my Shop) in an Alley hard by, shewed him the Translation, and desired his Opinion, who it was that the Author could mean; He told me, after some Consideration, that Vanity was a Thing he abhorr'd; but by the Description, he thought Himself to be the Person aimed at; And, at the same time, he very kindly offer'd his own Assistance gratis, towards penning a Dedication to Himself. I desired him, however, to give a second Guess; Why then, said he, It must be I, or my Lord Sommers. From thence I went to several other Wits of my Acquaintance, with no small Hazard and Weariness to my Person, from a prodigious Number of dark, winding Stairs; But found them all in the same Story, both of your Lordship and themselves. Now, your Lordship is to understand, that this Proceeding was not of my own Invention; For, I have somewhere heard, it is a Maxim, that those, to whom every Body allows the second Place, have an undoubted Title to the First.
THIS infallibly convinced me, that your Lordship was the Person intended by the Author. But, being very unacquainted in
[vi]
in the Style and Form of Dedications, I employ'd those Wits aforesaid, to furnish me with Hints and Materials, towards a Panegyrick upon your Lordship's Virtues.
IN two Days, they brought me ten Sheets of Paper, fill'd up on every Side. They swore to me, that they had ransack'd whatever could be found in the Characters of Socrates, Aristides, Epaminondas, Cato, Tully, Atticus, and other hard Names, which I cannot now recollect. However, I have Reason to believe, they imposed upon my Ignorance, because, when I came to read over their Collections, there was not a Syllable there, but, what I and every body else knew as well as themselves: Therefore, I grievously suspect a Cheat; and, that these Authors of mine, stole and transcribed every Word, from the universal Report of Mankind. So that I look upon my self, as fifty Shillings out of Pocket, to no manner of Purpose.
IF, by altering the Title, I could make the same Materials serve for another Dedication (as my Betters have done) it would help to make up my Loss: But, I have made several Persons, dip here and there in those Papers, and before they read three Lines, they have all assured me, plainly, that they cannot possibly be applied to any Person besides your Lordship. I
[vii]
I expected, indeed, to have heard of your Lordship's Bravery, at the Head of an Army; Of your undaunted Courage, in mounting a Breach, or scaling a Wall; Or, to have had your Pedigree trac'd in a Lineal Descent from the House of Austria; Or, of your wonderful Talent at Dress and Dancing; Or, your Profound Knowledge in Algebra, Metaphysicks, and the Oriental Tongues: But to ply the World with an old beaten Story of your Wit, and Eloquence, and Learning, and Wisdom, and Justice, and Politeness, and Candor, and Evenness of Temper in all Scenes of Life; Of that great Discernment in Discovering, and Readiness in Favouring deserving Men; with forty other common Topicks: I confess, I have neither Conscience, nor Countenance to do it. Because, there is no Virtue, either of a Publick or Private Life, which some Circumstances of your own, have not often produced upon the Stage of the World; And those few, which for want of Occasions to exert them, might otherwise have pass'd unseen or unobserved by your Friends, your Enemies have at length brought to Light.
'TIS true, I should be very loth, the Bright Example of your Lordship's Virtues should be lost to After-Ages, both for their sake and your own; but chiefly, because they
[viii]
they will be so very necessary to adorn the History of a late Reign; And That is another Reason, why I would forbear to make a Recital of them here; Because, I have been told by Wise Men, that as Dedications have run for some Years past, a good Historian will not be apt to have Recourse thither, in search of Characters.
THERE is one Point, wherein I think we Dedicators would do well to change our Measures; I mean, instead of running on so far, upon the Praise of our Patron's Liberality, to spend a Word or two, in admiring their Patience. I can put no greater Compliment on your Lordship's, that by giving you so ample an Occasion to exercise it at present. Tho', perhaps, I shall not be apt to reckon much Merit to your Lordship upon that Score, who having been formerly used to tedious Harangues, and sometimes, to as little Purpose, will be the readier to pardon this, especially, when it is offered by one, who is with all Respect and Veneration,
My
LORD,
Tour Lordship's most Obedient,
and most Faithful Servant,
The Bookseller.
THE
[ix]
THE BOOKSELLER TO THE READER.
I
t is now Six Years, since these Papers came first to my Hand, which seems to have been about a Twelvemonth after they were writ: For, the Author tells us in his Preface to the first Treatise, that he bath calculated it for the Year 1697, and in several Passages of that Discourse, as well as the second, it appears, they were written about that Time.
As to the Author, I can give no manner of Satisfaction; However, I am credibly informed, that this Publication is without his Knowledge; for he concludes the Copy is lost, having lent it to a Person, since dead, and being never in Possession of it after: So that, whether the Work received his last Hand, or, whether he intended to fill up the defective Places, is like to remain a Secret.
If
[x]
If I should go about to tell the Reader, by what Accident, I became Master of these Papers, it would, in this unbelieving Age, pass for little more than the Cant, or Jargon of the Trade. I, therefore, gladly spare both him and my self so unnecessary a Trouble. There yet remains a difficult Question, why I publish'd them no sooner. I forbore upon two Accounts: First, because I thought I had better Work upon my Hands; and Secondly, because, I was not without some Hope of hearing from the Author, and receiving his Directions. But, I have been lately alarm'd with Intelligence of a surreptitions Copy, which a certain great Wit had new polish'd and refin'd, or as our present Writers express themselves, fitted to the Humor of the Age; as they have already done, with great Felicity, to Don Quixot, Boccalini, la Bruyere and other Authors. However, I thought it fairer Dealing, to offer the whole Work in its Naturals. If any Gentleman will please to furnish me with a Key, in order to explain the more difficult Parts, I shall very gratefully acknowledge the Favour, and print it by it self.
THE
[xi]
THE Epistle Dedicatory, TO His Royal Highness
PRINCE POSTERITY.
SIR,
IHERE present Your Highness with the Fruits of a very few leisure Hours, stollen from the short Intervals of a World of Business, and of an Employment quite alien from such Amusements as this: The poor Production of that Refuse of Time which has lain heavy upon my Hands, during a long Prorogation of Parliament, a great Dearth of Forein News, and a tedious Fit of rainy Weather: For which, and other Reasons, it cannot chuse extreamely to deserve such a Patronage as that of Your Highness, whose number
B
2
numberless Virtues in so few Years, make the World look upon You as the future Example to all Princes: For altho' Your Highness is hardly got clear of Infancy, yet has the universal learned World already resolved upon appealing to Your future Dictates with the lowest and most resigned Submission; Fate having decreed You sole Arbiter of the Productions of human Wit, in this polite and most accomplish'd Age. Methinks, the Numer of Appellants were enough to shock and startle any Judge of a Genius less unlimited than Yours: But in order to prevent such glorious Tryals, the Person (it seems) to whose Care the Education of Your Highness is committed, has resolved (as I am told) to keep you in almost an universal Ignorance of our Studies, which it is Your inherent Birth-right to inspect.
IT is amazing to me, that this Person should have Assurance in the face of the Sun, to go about persuading Your Highness, that our Age is almost wholly illiterate, and has hardly produced one Writer upon any Subject. I know very well, that when Your Highness shall come to riper Years, and have gone thro' the Learn- ing
3
ing of Antiquity, you will be too curious to neglect enquiring into the Authors of the very age before You; And to think that this Insolent, in the Account he is preparing for Your View, designs to reduce them to a Number so insignificant as I am ashamed to mention; it moves my Zeal and my Spleen for the Honor and Interest of our vast flourishing Body, as well as of my self, for whom I know by long Experience, he has profess'd and still continues a peculiar Malice.
'TIS not unlikely, that when Your Highness will one Day peruse what I am now writing, You may be ready to expostulate with Your Governour upon the Credit of what I here affirm, and command Him to shew Your some of our Productions. To which he will answer, (for I am well informed of his Designs) by asking Your Highness, where they are? and what is become of them? and pretend it a Demonstration that there never were any, because they are not then to be found: Not to be found! Who has mislaid them? Are they sunk in the Abyss of Things? 'Tis certain, that in their own Nature they were light enough to swim upon the Surface
B2
4
Surface for all Eternity: Therefore the Fault is in Him, who tied Weights so heavy to their Heels, as to depress them to the Center. Is their very Essence destroyed? Who has annihilated them? Were they drowned by Purges or martyred by Pipes? Who administred them to the Posteriors of—But that it may no longer be a Doubt with Your Highness, who is to be the Author of this universal Ruin; I beseech You to observe that large and terrible Scythe which Your Governour affects to bear continually about him. Be pleased to remark the Length and Strength, the Sharpness and Hardness of his Nails and Teeth: Consider his baneful abominable Breath, Enemy to Life and Matter, infectious and corrupting: And then reflect whether it be possible for any mortal Ink and Paper of this Generation to make a suitable Resistance. Oh, that Your Highness would one day resolve to disarm this Usurping Maitre de Palais, of his furious Engines, and bring Your Empire hors du Page.
IT were endless to recount the several Mechods of Tyranny and Destruction, which Your Governour is pleased to pra-ctise
5
ctise upon this Occasion. His inveterate Malice is such to the Writings of our Age, that of several Thousands produced yearly from this renowned City, before the next Revolution of the Sun, there is not one to be heard of: Unhappy Infants, many of them barbarously destroyed, before they have so much as learnt their Mother-Tongue to beg for Pity. Some he stifles in their Cradles, others he frights into Convulsions, whereof they suddenly die; Some he flays alive, others he tears Limb from Limb, Great Numbers are offered to Moloch, and the rest tainted by his Breath, die of a languishing Consumption.
BUT the Concern I have most at Heart, is for our Corporation of Poets, from whom I am preparing a Petition to Your Highness, to be subscribed with the Names of one hundred thirty six of the first Rate, but whose immortal Productions are never likely to reach your Eyes, tho' each of them is now an humble and an earnest Appellant for the Laurel, and has large comely Volumes ready to shew for a Support to his Pretensions. The never-dying Works of these illustrious Persons, Your
Governour,
B3
6
Governour, Sir, has devoted to unavoidable Death, and Your Highness is to be made believe, that our Age has never arrived at the Honor to produce one single Poet.
WE confess Immortality to be a great and powerful Goddess, but in vain we offer up to her our Devotions and our Sacrifices, if Your Highness's Governour, who has usurped the Priesthood, must by an unparallell'd Ambition and Avarice, wholly intercept and devour them.
To affirm that our Age is altogether Unlearned, and devoid of Writers in any kind seems to be an Assertion so bold and so false, that I have been sometime thinking, the contrary may almost be proved by uncontroulable Demonstration. 'Tis true indeed, that altho' their Numbers be vast, and their Productions numerous in proportion, yet are they hurry'd so hastily off the Scene, that they escape our Memory, and delude our Sight. When I first thought of this Address, I had prepared a copions List of Titles to present Your Highness as an undisputed Argument for what I affirm. The Originals were posted
7
posted fresh upon all Gates and Corners of Streets; but returning in a very few Hours to take a Review, they were all torn down, and fresh ones in their Places: I enquired after them among Readers and Booksellers, but I enquired in vain, the Memorial of them was lost among Men, their Place was no more to be found; and I was laugh'd to scorn, for a Clown and a Pedant, devoid of all Taste and Refinement, little versed in the Course of present Affairs, and that knew nothing of what had pass'd in the best Companies of Court and Town. So that I can only avow in general to Your Highness, that we do abound in Learning and Wit; but to fix upon Particulars, is a Task too slippery for my slender Abilities. If I should venture in a windy Day, to affirm to Your Highness, that there is a large Cloud near the Horizon in the Form of a Bear, another in the Zenith with the Head of an Ass, a third to the Westward with Claws like a Dragon; and Your Highness should in a few Minutes think fit to examine the Truth; 'tis certain, they would be all changed in Figure and Position, new ones would arise, and all we could agree upon, would be, that Clouds there were,
B 4
8
were, but that I was grosly mistaken in the Zoography and Topography of them.
BUT Your Governour, perhaps, may still insist, and put the Question: What is then become of those immense Bales of Paper, which must needs have been employ'd in such Numbers of Books? Can these also be wholly annihilate, and so of a sudden as I pretend? What shall I say in return of so invidious an Objection? It ill befits the Distance between Your Highness and Me, to send You for ocular Conviction to a Jakes or an Oven; to the Windows of a Bawdy-House, or to a sordid Lanthorn. Books like Men their Authors have no more than one Way of coming into the World, but there are ten Thousand to go out of it, and return no more.
I profess to Your Highness in the Integrity of my Heart, that what I am going to say is literally true this Minute I am writing: What Revolutions may happen before it shall be ready for Your Perusal, I can by no means warrant; However, I beg You to accept it as a Specimen of our Learning, our Politeness and our
9
our Wit. I do therefore affirm upon the Word of a sincere Man, that there is now actually in being, a certain Poet called John Dryden, whose Translation of Virgil was lately printed in a large Folio, well bound, and if diligent search were made, for ought I know, is yet to be seen. There is another call'd Nahum Tate, who is ready to make Oath that he has caused may Rheams of Verse to be published, whereof both himself and his Bookseller (if lawfully required) can still produce authentick Copies, and therefore wonders why the World is pleased to make such a Secret of it. There is a Third, known by the Name of Tom Dursey, a Poet of a vast Comprehension, an universal Genius, and most profound Learning. There are also one Mr. Rymer, and one Mr. Dennis, most profound Criticks. There is a Person styled Dr. B--tl--y, who has wrote near a thousand Pages of immense Erudition, giving a full and true Account of a certain Squable of wonderful Importance between himself and a Bookseller: He is a Writer of infinite Wit and Humour; no Man raillyes with a better Grace, and in more sprightful Turns. Further, I avow to Your Highness, that with these Eyes I have be-held
10
held the Person of William W---tt---n, B.D. who has written a good sizeable Volume against a Friend of Your Governour (from whom. alas! he must therefore look for little Favour) in a most gentlemanly Stile, adorned with utmost Politeness and Civility; replete with Discoveries equally valuable for their Novelty and Use: and embellish'd with Traits of Wit so poignant and so apposite, that he is a worthy Yokemate to his fore-mentioned Friend.
WHY should I go upon farther Particulars, which might fill a Volume with the just Elogics of my contemporary Brethren? I shall bequeath this Piece of Justice to a larger Work: wherein I intend to write a Character of the present Set of Wits in our Nation: Their Persons I shall describe particularly, and at Length, their Genius and Understandings in Mignature.
IN the mean time, I do here make bold to present Your Highness with a faithful Abstract drawn from the Universal Body of all Arts and Sciences, intended wholly for Your Service and Instruction: Nor do I doubt in the least, but Your Highness will peruse
11
peruse it as carefully, and make as considerable Improvements, as other young Princes have already done by the many Volumes of late Years written for a Help to their Studies.
THAT
Your Highness may advance in Wisdom and Virtue, as well as Years, and at last out-shine all Your Royal Ancestors, shall be the daily Prayer of,
SIR,
Your Highness's
Most devoted, &c.
THE
December 1697.
13
THE PREFACE.
THE Wits of the present Age being so very numerous and penetrating, it seems, the Grandees of Church and State begin to fall under horrible Apprehensions, lest these Gentlemen during the Intervals of a long Peace, should find leisure to pick Holes in the weak sides of Religion and Government. To prevent which, there has been much Thought employ'd of late upon certain Projects for taking off the Force, and Edge of those formidable Enquirers, from canvassing and reasoning upon such delicate Points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require some Time as well as Cost, to perfect. Mean while, the Danger hourly increasing, by new Levies of Wits all appointed (as there is Reason to fear) with Pen Ink, and Paper, which may at an hour's Warning be drawn out into Pamphlets, and other Offensive Weapons, ready for immediate Execution: It
14
It was judged of absolute necessity, that some present Expedient be thought on, till the main Design can be brought to Maturity. To this End, at a Grand Committee, some Days ago, this important Discovery was made by a certain curious and refined Observer; That Sea-men have a Custom when they meet a Whale, to fling him out an empty Tub, by way of Amusement, to divert him from laying violent Hands upon the Ship. This Parable was immediately mythologiz'd: The Whale was interpreted to be Hobs's Leviathan, which tosses and plays with all other Schemes of Religion and Government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noisy, and wooden, and given to Rotation. This is the Leviathan from whence the terrible Wits of our Age are said to borrow their Weapons. The Ship in danger, is easily understood to be its old Antitype the Commonwealth. But, how to analize the Tub, was a Matter of Difficulty; when after long Enquiry and Debate, the literal Meaning was preserved: And it was decreed, that in order to prevent these Leviathans from tossing and sporting with the Commonwealth, (which of it self is too apt to fluctuate) they
15
they should be diverted from that Game by a Tale of a Tub. And my Genius being conceived to lye not unhappily that way, I had the Honor done me to be engaged in the Performance.
THIS is the sole Design in publishing the following Treatise, which I hope will serve for an Interim of some Months to employ those unquiet Spirits, till the perfecting of that great Work: into the Secret of which, it is reasonable the courteous Reader should have some little Light.
IT is intended that a large Academy be erected, capable of containing nine thousand seven hundred forty and three Persons; which by modest Computation is reckoned to be pretty near the current Number of Wits in this Island. These are to be disposed into the several Schools of this Academy, and there pursue those Studies to which their Genius most inclines them. The Undertaker himself will publish his Proposals with all convenient speed, to which I shall refer the curious Reader, for a more particular Account, mentioning at present only a few of the principal Schools. There is, first, a large Pedara
stick
16
stick School, with French and Italian Masters. There is also, the Spelling School, a very spacious Building: The School of Looking-Glasses: The School of Swearing: the School of Criticks: The School of Salivation: The School of Hobby-Horses: The School of Poetry: The School of Tops: The School of Spleen: The School of Gaming: with many others too redious to recount. No Person to be admitted Member into any of these Schools, without an Attestation under two sufficient Persons Hands, certifying him to be a Wit.
BUT, to return. I am sufficiently instructed in the principal Duty of a Preface, if my Genius were capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my Imagination to make the Tour of my Invention, and thrice it has returned empty; the latter having been wholly drained by the following Treatise. Not so, my more successful Brethren the Moderns, who will by no means let slip a Preface or Dedication, without some notable distinguishing Stroke, to surprize the Reader at the Entry, and kindle a wonderful Expectation of what is to ensue. Such was that of a most ingenious Poet, who solliciting his Brain
17
Brain for something new, compared himself to the Hangman, and his Patron to the Patient: This was * *Hor.
Insigne, recens, indictum ore alio. When I went thro' that necessary and noble † † Reading Prefaces, &c. Course of Study, I had the Happiness to observe many such egregious Touches, which I shall not injure the Authors by transplanting: Because I have remarked, that nothing is so very tender as a Modern Piece of Wit, and which is apt to suffer so much in the Carriage. Some things are extreamly witty to day, or fasting, or in this Place, or or at eight a Clock, or over a Bottle, or spoke by Mr. Whatdicall'um, or in a Summer's Morning: Any of which, by the smallest Trasposal or Misapplication, is utterly annihilate. Thus, Wit has its Walks and Purlieus, out of which it may not stray the breadth of a Hair, upon peril of being lost. The Moderns have artfully fixed this Mercury, and reduced it to the Circumstances of Time, Place and Person. Such a Jest there is, that will not pass out of Convent Garden; and such a one, that is no where intelligible but at Hide-Park Corner. Now, tho it sometimes tenderly affects me to consider, that all the towardly Passages I shall deliver in the fol loving
C
18
lowing Treatise, will grow quite out of date and relish with the first shifting of the present Scene; yet I must need subscribe to the Justice of this Proceeding: because, I cannot imagine why we should be at Expence to furnish Wit for succeeding Ages, when the former have made no sort of Provision for ours; wherein I speak the Sentiment of the very newest, and consequently the most Orthodox Refiners, as well as my own. However, being extreamly sollicitous, that every accomplished Person who has got into the Taste of Wit calculated for this present Month of August 1697, should descend to the very bottom of all the Sublime throughout this Treatise; I hold it fit to lay down this general Maxim. Whatever Reader desires to have a thorow Comprehension of an Author's Thoughts, cannot take a better Method, than by putting himself into the Circumstances and Posture of Life, that the Writer was in, upon every important Passage as it flowed from his Pen; For this will introduce a Parity and strict Correspondence of Idea's between the Reader and the Author. Now, to assist the diligent Reader in so delicate an Affair, as far as brevity will permit, I have recol-lected,
19
lected, that the shrewdest Pieces of this Treatise, were conceived in Bed, in a Garret: At other times (for a Reason best known to my self) I thought fit to sharpen my Invention with Hunger; and in general, the whole Work was begun, continued, and ended, under a long Course of Physick, and a great want of Money, Now, I do affirm, it will be absolutely impossible for the candid Peruser to go a long with me in a great many bright Passages, unless upon the several Difficulties emergent, he will please to capacitate and prepare himself by these Directions. And this I lay down as my principal Postulatum.
BECAUSE I have profess'd to be a most devoted Servant of all Modern Forms: I apprehend some curious Wit may object against me, for proceeding thus far in a Preface, without declaiming, according to the Custom, against the Multitude of Writers, whereof the whole Multitude of Writers most reasonably complains. I am just come from perusing some hundreds of Prefaces, wherein the Authors do at the very beginning address the gentle Reader concerning this enormous Grievance. Of these I have
C2
20
I have preserved a few Examples, and shall let them down as near as my Memory has been able to retain them.
One begins thus;
For a Man to set up for a Writer, when
the Press swarms with, &c.
Another;
The Tax upon Paper does not lessen the Number
of Scriblers, who daily pester, &c.
Another;
When every little Would be-wit takes Pen
in hand, 'tis in vain to enter the Lists, &c.
Another;
To observe what Trash the Press swarms
with, &c.
Another;
SIR. It is meerly in Obedience to your Commands that I venture into the Publick; for who upon a less Consideration would be of a Party with such a Rabble of Scribblers, &c.
21
NOW, I have two Words in my own Defence, against this Objection. First: I am far from granting the Number of Writers, a Nuisance to our Nation, having strenuously maintained the contrary in several Parts of the following Discourse. Secondly: I do not well understand the Justice of this Proceeding, because I observe many of these polite Prefaces, to be not only from the same Hand, but from those who are most voluminous in their several Productions. Upon which I shall tell the Reader a short Tale.
A Mountebank in Leicester-Fields had drawn a huge Assembly about him. Among the rest, a fat unweildy Fellow, half stifled in the Press, would be every fit crying out, Lord! what a filthy Crowd is here; Pray, good People, give way a little; Bless me! what a Devil has rak'd this Rabble together: Z----ds, what squeezing is this! Honest Friend, remove your Elbow. At last a Weaver that stood next him could hold no longer: A Plague confound you (said he) for an over-grown Sloven; and who (in the Devils Name) I wonder, helps to make up the Crowd half so much as your self? Don't
you
C3
22
you consider (with a Pox) that you take up more room with that Carcass than any five here? Is not the Place as free for us as for you? Bring you own Guts to a reasonable Compass (and be d----n'd) and then I'll engage we shall have room enough for us all.
THERE are certain common Privileges of a Writer, the Benefit whereof, I hope there will be no Reason to doubt; particulary, that where I am not understood, it shall be concluded, that something very useful and profound is coucht underneath: And again, that whatever Word or Sentence is printed in a different Character, shall be judged to contain something extraordinary either of Wit or Sublime.
AS for the Liberty I have thought fit to take of praising my self, upon some Occasions or none; I am sure it will need no Excuse, if a Multitude of great Examples be allowed sufficient Authority: For it is here to be noted, that Praise was originally a Pension paid by the World: but the Moderns finding the Trouble and Charge too great in collecting it, have lately bought out the Fee-Simple; since which time, the Right of Presentation is wholly in our selves. For this Reason it is, that when an
23
an Author makes his own Elogy he uses a certain form to declare and insist upon his Title, which is commonly in these or the like Words, I speak without Vanity; which I think plainly shews it to be a Matter of Right and Justice. Now, I do here once for all declare, that in every Encounter of this Nature, thro' the following Treatise, the Form aforesaid is imply'd; which I mention, to save the Trouble of repeating it on so many Occasions.
'TIS a great Ease to my Conscience that I have writ so elaborate and useful a Discourse without one grain of Satyr intermixt; which is the sole Point wherein I have taken leave to dissent from the famous Originals of our Age and Country. I have observ'd some Satyrists to use the Publick much at the Rate that Pedants do a naughty Boy ready Hors'd for Discipline: First expostulate the Case, then plead the Necessity of the Rod, from great Provocations, and conclude every Period with a Lash. Now, if I know any thing of Mankind, these Gentlemen might very well spare their Reproof and Correction: For there is not through all Nature another so callous and insensible a Member as the World's Posteriors, whether you ap-ply
C4
24
ply to it the Toe or the Birch. Besides, most of our late Satyrists seem to lye under a sort of Mistake, that because Nettles have the Prerogative to Sting, therefore all other Weeds must do so too. I make not this Comparison out of the least Design to detract from these worthy Writers. For it is well known among Mythologists, that Weeds have the Preeminence over all other Vegetables; and therefore the first Monarch of this Island, whose Taste and Judgment were so acute and refined, did very wisely root out the Roses from the Collar of the Order, and plant the Thistles in their stead, as the nobler Flower of the two. For which Reason it is conjectured by profounder Antiquaries, that the Satyrical Itch, so prevalent in this Part of our Island, was first brought among us from beyond the Tweed. Here may it long flourish and abound; May it survive and neglect the Scorn of the World, with as much Ease and Contempt as the World is insensible to the Lashes of it. May their own Dullness, or that of their Party, be no Discouragement for the Authors to proceed; but let them remember, it is with Wits as with Razors, which are never so apt to cut those they are
25
are employ'd on, as when they have lost their Edge. Besides, those whose Teeth are too rotten to bite, are best of all others qualified to revenge that Defect with their Breath.
I am not like other Men, to envy or undervalue the Talents I cannot reach; for which Reason I must needs bear a true Honor to this large eminent Sect of our British Writers. And I hope, this little Panegyrick will not be offensive to their Ears, since it has the Advantage of being only designed for themselves. Indeed, Nature her self has taken Order, that Fame and Honor should be purchased at a better Penyworth by Satyr, than by any other Productions of the Brain; the World being soonest provoked to Praise by Lashes, as Men are to Love, There is a Problem in an ancient Author, why Dedications, and other Bundles of Flattery run all upon stale musty Topicks, without the smallest Tincture of any thing New; not only to the torment and nauseating of the Christian Reader, but (if not suddenly prevented) to the universal spreading of that pestilent Disease, the Lethargy, in this Island: Whereas, there is very little
26
little Satyr which has not something in it untouch'd before. The Defects of the former are usually imputed to the want of Invention among those who are Dealers in that kind: But, I think, with a great deal of Injustice; the Solution being easie and natural. For, the Materials of Panegyrick being very few in Number, have been long since exhausted: For, as Health is but one Thing, and has been always the same, whereas Diseases are by thousands, besides new and daily Additions: So, all the Virtues that have been ever in Mankind, are to be counted upon a few Fingers, but his Follies and Vices are innumerable, and Time adds hourly to the Heap. Now, the utmost a poor Poet can do, is to get by heart a List of the Cardinal Virtues, and deal them with his utmost Liberality to his Hero or his Patron: He may ring the Changes as far as it will go, and vary his Phrase till he has talk'd round; but the Reader quickly finds, it is all * * Plutarch.
Pork, with a little variety of Sawce: For there is no inventing Terms of Art beyond our Idea's; and when Idea's are exhausted, Terms of Art must be so too. BUT,
27
BUT, tho' the Matter for Panegyrick were as fruitful as the Topicks of Satyr, yet would it not be hard to find out a sufficient Reason, why the latter will be alway better received than the first. For, this being bestowed only upon one or a few Persons at a time, is sure to raise Envy, and consequently ill Words from the rest, who have no share in the Blessing: But Satyr being levelled at all, is never resented for an offence by any, since every individual Person makes bold to undersland it of others, and very wisely removes his particular Part of the Burthen upon the Shoulders of the World, which are broad enough, and able to bear it. To this purpose, I have sometimes reflected upon the Difference between Athens and England with respect to the Point before us. In the Atick* *Vid. Xenoph.
Commonwealth, it was the Priviledge and Birth-right of every Citizen and Poet, to rail aloud and in publick, or to expose upon the Stage by Name, any Person they pleased, tho' of the greatest Figure, whether a Creon, an Hyperbolus, an Alcibiades, or a Demosthe-
nes:
28
nes: But on the other side, the least reflecting Word let fall against the People in general, was immediately caught up, and revenged upon the Authors, however considerable for their Quality or their Merits. Whereas, in England it is just the Reverse of all this. Here, you may securely display your utmost Rhetorick against Mankind, in the Face of the World; tell them, That all are gone astray; That there is none that doth good, no not one; That we live in the very Dregs of Time; That Knavery and Atheism are Epidemick as the Pox; That Honesty is fled with Astræa; with any other Common places equally new and eloquent, which are furnished by the * * Hor.
Splendida bilis. And when you have done, the whole Audience, far from being offended, shall return you Thanks, as a Deliverer of precious and useful Truths. Nay farther; It is but to venture your Lungs, and you may preach in Covent-Garden against Foppery and Fornication, and something else: Against Pride, and Dissimulation, and Bribery, at White-hall: You may expose Rapine and Injustice in the Inns of Court Chap-pel;
29
pel: And in a City Pulpit be as fierce as you please, against Avarice, Hypocrisie and Extortion. 'Tis but a Ball bandied to and fro, and every Man carries a Racket about Him to strike it from himself among the rest of the Company. But on the other side, whoever should mistake the Nature of things so far, as to drop but a single Hint in publick, How such a one starved half the Fleet, and half poison'd the rest: How such a one, from a true Principle of Love and Honour, pays no Debts but for Wenches and Play: How such a one has got a Clap, and runs out of his Estate: How Paris bribed by Juno and Venus, loath to offend either Party, slept out the whole Cause on the Bench: Or, how such an Orator makes long Speeches in the Senate, with much Thought, little Sense and to no Purpose. Whoever, I say, should venture to be thus particular, must expect to be imprisoned for Scandalum Magnatum; to have Challenges sent him; to be sued for Defamation; and to be brought before the Bar of the House.
BUT,
30
BUT, I forget that I am expatiating on a Subject, wherein I have no Concern, having neither a Talent nor an Inclination for Satyr; On the other side, I am so entirely satisfied with the whole present Procedure of human Things, that I have been for some Years preparing Materials towards A Panegyrick upon the World; to which I intended to add a Second Part, entituled, A Modest Defence of the Proceedings of the Rabble in all Ages. Both these I had Thoughts to publish by way of Appendix to the following Treatise; but finding my Common-Place-Book fill much flower than I had reason to expect, I have chosen to defer them to another Occasion. Besides, I have been unhappily prevented in that Design, by a certain Domestick Misfortune, in the Particulars whereof, tho' it would be very seasonable, and much in the Modern way, to inform the gentle Reader, and would also be of great Assistance towards, extending this Preface into the Size now in Vogue, which by Rule ought to be large in Proportion as the subsequent Volume is small; Yet I shall now
31
now dismiss our impatient Reader from any farther Attendance at the Porch; and having duly prepared his Mind by a preliminary Discourse, shall gladly introduce Him to the sublime Mysteries that ensue.
A
33
A TALE OF A TUB, &c.
SECT. I. The INTRODUCTION.
WHOEVER hath an Ambition to be heard in a Crowd, must press, and squeeze, and thrust, and climb with indefatigable Pains, till he has exalted himself to a certain Degree of Altitude above them. Now, in all Assemblies, tho' you wedge them ever so close, we may observe this peculiar Property; that, over their Heads there is Room enough; but how to reach it, is the diffi- cult
D
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cult Point; It being as hard to get quit of Number as of Hell;
—Evadere ad auras,
Hoc opus, hic labor est.—
To this End, the Philosopher's Way in all Ages has been by erecting certain Edifices in the Air; But, whatever Practice and Reputation these kind of Structures have formerly possessed, or may still continue in; not excepting even that of Socrates, when he was suspended in a Basket to help Contemplation; I think, with due Submission, they seem to labor under two Inconveniencies. First, that the Foundations being laid too high, they have been often out of Sight, and ever out of Hearing. Secondly, that the Materials being very transitory, have suffered much from Inclemences of Air, especially in these North-West Regions.
Therefore, towards the just Performance of this great Work, there remain but three Methods that I can think on; Whereof the Wisdom of our Ancestors being highly sensible, has, to encourage all aspiring Adventures, thought fit to e- rect
35
erect three wooden Machines, for the Use of those Orators who desire to talk much without Interruption. These are, the Pulpit, the Ladder, and the Stage-Itinerant. For, as to the Bar, tho' it be compounded of the same Matter, and designed for the same Use, it cannot however be well allowed the Honor of a fourth, by reason of its level or inferior Situation, exposing it to perpetual Interruption from Collaterals. Neither can the Bench it self, tho' raised to a proper Eminency, put in a better Claim, whatever its Advocats insist on. For if they please to look into the original Design of its Erection, and the Circumstances or Adjuncts subservient to that Design, they will soon acknowledge the present Practice exactly correspondent to the Primitive Institution, and both to answer the Etymology of the Name, which in the Phœnician Tongue is a Word of great Signification, importing, if literally interpreted, The Place of Sleep; but in common Acceptation, A Seat well bolster'd and cushion'd, for the Repose of old and gouty Limbs: Senes ut in otia tuta recedant. Fortune being indebted to them this Part of Retaliation, that, as formerly, they have long Talkt, whilst others Slept,
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Slept, so now they may Sleep as long whilst others Talk.
But if no other Argument could occur to exclude the Bench and the Bar from the List of Oratorial Machines, it were sufficient, that the Admission of them would overthrow a Number which I was resolved to establish whatever Argument it might cost me; In imitation of that prudent Method observed by many other Philosophers and great Clerks, whose chief Art in Division has been, to grow fond of some proper mystical Number, which their Imaginations have rendred Sacred, to a Degree, that they force common Reason to find room for it in every part of Nature; reducing, including, and adjusting every Genus and Species within that Compass, by coupling some against their Wills, and banishing others at any Rate. Now, among all the rest, the profound Number THREE is that which hath most employ'd my sublimest Speculations, nor ever without wonderful Delight. There is now in the Press, (and will be publish'd next Term) a Panegyrical Essay of mine upon this Number, wherein I have by most convincing Proofs, not only reduced the Senses and the Ele-
ments
37
ments under its Banner, but brought over several deserters from its two great Rivals SEVEN and NINE.
Now, the first of these Oratorial Machines in Place as well as Dignity, is the Pulpit. Of Pulpits there are in this Island several sorts; but I esteem only That made of Timber from the Sylva Caledonia, which agrees very well with our Climate. If it be upon its Decay, 'tis the better, both for Conveyance of Sound, and for other Reasons to be mentioned by and by. The Degree of Perfection in Shape and Size, I take to consist, in being extremely narrow, with little Ornament, and best of all without a Cover; (for by ancient Rule, it ought to be the only uncover'd Vessel in every Assembly where it is rightfully used) by which means, from its near Resemblance to a Pillory, it will ever have a mighty Influence on human Ears.
Of
Ladders I need say nothing: 'Tis observed by Foreiners themselves, to the Honor of our Country, that we excel all Nations in our Practice and Understanding of this Machine. The ascending Orators do not only oblige their Audience in
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in the agreeable Delivery, but the whole World in their early Publication of their Speeches; which I look upon as the choicest Treasury of our British Eloquence, and whereof I am informed, that worthy Citizen and Bookseller, Mr. John Dunton, hath made a faithful and a painful Collection, which he shortly designs to publish in Twelve Volumes in Folio, illustrated with Copper-Plates. A Work highly useful and curious, and altogether worthy of such a Hand.
The last Engine of Orators, is the Stage-itinerant, erected with much Sagacity, such Jove pluvio, in triviis & quadriviis. It is the great Seminary of the two former, and its Orators are sometimes preferred to the One, and sometimes to the Other, in proportion to their Deservings, there being a strict and perpetual Intercourse between all three.
From this accurate Deduction it is manifest that for obtaining Attention in Publick, there is of necessity required a superior Position of Place. But, altho' this Point be generally granted, yet the Cause is little agreed in; and it seems to me, that
39
that very few Philosophers have fallen into a true, natural Solution of this Phænomenon. The deepest Account, and the most fairly digested of any I have yet met with, is this, That Air being a heavy Body, and therefore (according to the System of* * Lucres. Lib. 2.
Epicurus) continually descending, must needs be more so, when loaden and press'd down by Words; which are also Bodies of much Weight and Gravity, as it is manifest from those deep Impressions they make and leave upon us; and therefore must be delivered from a due Altitude, or else they will neither carry a good Aim, nor fall down with a sufficient Force.
Corpoream quoque enim vocem constare fa
tendum est,
Et sonitum, quoniam possunt impellere
Sensus. Lucr. Lib. 4.
And I am the readier to favour this Conjecture, from a common Observation; that in the several Assemblies of these Orators, Nature it self hath instructed the Hearers, to stand with their Mouths open, and erected paralled to the Horizon, so as they may be interfected by a perpendi- cular
D 4
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cular Line from the Zenith to the Center of the Earth. In which Position, if the Audience be well compact, every one carries home a Share, and little or nothing is lost.
I confess, there is something yet more refined in the Contrivance and Structure of our Modern Theatres. For, First; the Pit is sunk below the Stage with due Regard to the Institution above deduced; that whatever weighty Matter shall be delivered thence (whether it be Lead or Gold) may fall plum into the Jaws of certain Criticks (as I think they are called) which stand ready open to devour them. Then, the Boxes are built round, and raised to a Level with the Scene, in deference to the Ladies, because, That large Portion of Wit laid out in raising Pruriences and Protuberencies, is observed to run much upon a Line, and ever in a Circle. The whining Passions, and little starved Conceits, are gently wasted up by their own extreme Levity, to the middle Region, and there fix and are frozen by the frigid Understandings of the Inhabitants. Bombast and Buffoonry, by Nature losty and light, soar highest of all, and would be lost in the Roof, if the pru- dent
41
dent Architect had not with much Foresight contrived for them a fourth Place, called the Twelve-Peny Gallery, and there planted a suitable Colony, who greedily intercept them in their Passage.
Now this Physico-logical Scheme of Oratorial Receptacles or Machines, contains a great Mystery, being a Type, a Sign, an Emblem, a Shadow, a Symbol, bearing Analogy to the spatious Commonwealth of Writers, and to those Methods by which they must exalt themselves to a certain Eminency above the inferior World. By the Pulpit are adumbrated the Writings of our Modern Saints in Great Britain, as they have spiritualized and refined them from the Dross and Grossness of Sense and Human Reason. The Matter, as we have said, is of rotten Wood, and that upon two Considerations; Because it is the Quality of rotten Wood to Light in the Dark: And secondly, Because its Cavities are full of Worms: Which is a Type with a Pair of Handles, having a Respect to the two principal Qualifications of the Orator, and the two different Fates attending upon his Works. THE
42
The
Ladder is an adequate Symbol of Faction and of Poetry. to both of which so noble a Number of Authors are indebted for their Fame. Of Faction, because * * * * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * * *
* * * * Hiatus in Ms.
Of Poetry, because its Orators do perorare with a Song; and because climbing up by slow Degrees, Fate is sure to turn them off before they can reach within many Steps of the Top: And because it is a Preferment attained by transferring of Propriety, and a confounding of Meum and Tuum.
Under the Stage-itinerant are couched those Productions designed for the Pleasure and Delight of Mortal Man; such as, Six-peny-worth of Wit, Westminster Drolleries, Delightful Tales, Compleat jesters, and the like; by which the Writers of and for GRUB-STREET, have in these later Ages so nobly triumpht over Time; have clipt his Wings, pared his Nails, filed his Teeth, turned back his Hour-Glass, blunted his Scythe, and drawn the Hob-Nails out
43
out of his Shoes. It is under this Classis, I have presumed to list my present Treatise, being just come from having the Honor conferred upon me, to be adopted a Member of that illustrious Fraternity.
Now, I am not unaware, how the Productions of the Grub-Street Brotherhood, have of late Years fallen under many Prejudices; nor how it has been the perpetual Employment of two junior start-up Societies, to ridicule them and their Authors, as unworthy their established Post in the Commonwealth of Wit and Learning. Their own Consciences will easily inform them, whom I mean; Nor has the World been so negligent a Looker on, as nor to observe the continual Efforts made by the Societies of Gresham and of Will's, to edify a Name and Reputation upon the Ruin of Ours. And this is yet a more feeling Grief to Us upon the Regards of Tenderness as well as of Justice, when we reflect on their Proceedings, not only as unjust, but as ungrateful, undutiful, and unnatural. For how can it be forgot by the World or themselves, (to say nothing of our own Records, which are full
44
full and clear in the Point) that they both are Seminaries, not only of our Planting, but our Watring too? I am informed, Our two Rivals have lately made an Offer to enter into the Lifts with united Forces, and challenge us to a Comparison of Books, both as to Weight and Number. In Return to which, (with Licence from our President) I humbly offer two Answers: First. We say, the Proposal is like that which Archimedes made upon a ** Viz. About moving the Earth.
smaller Affair, including an Impossibility in the Practice; For, where can they find Scales of Capacity enough for the first or an Arithmetician of Capacity enough for the Second. Secondly, We are ready to accept the Challenge, but with this Condition, that a third indifferent Person be assigned, to whose impartial Judgment it shall be left to decide, which Society each Book, Treatise or Pamphlet do most properly belong to. This Point, God knows, is very far from being fixed at present; For, We are ready to produce a Catalogue of some Thousands, which in all common Justice ought to be entitled to Our Fraternity, but by the revolted and new-fangled Writers, most perfidiously ascribed to the
45
the others. Upon all which, we think it very unbecoming our Prudence, that the Determination should be remitted to the Authors themselves; when our Adversaries by Briguing and Caballing, have caused so universal a Defection from us, that the greatest Part of our Soceity hath already deserted to them, and our nearest Friends begin to stand aloof, as if they were half ashamed to own Us.
This is the utmost I am authorized to say upon so ungrateful and melancholy a Subject; because We are extreme unwilling to inflame a Controversy, whose Continuance may be so fatal to the Interests of Us All, desiring much rather that Things be amicably composed; and We shall so far advance on our Side, as to be ready to receive the two Prodigals with open Arms, whenever they shall think fit to return from their Husks and their Harlots; which I think from the ** Virtuoso Experiments, and Modern Comedies.
present Course of their Studies they most properly may be said to be engaged in; and like an indulgent Parent, continue to them our Affection and our Blessing. But
64
But the greatest Maim given to that general Reception, which the Writings of our Society have formerly received, next to the transitory State of all sublunary Things, hath been a superficial Vein among many Readers of the present Age, who will by no means be persuaded to inspect beyond the Surface and the Rind of Things; whereas, Wisdom is a Fox, who after long hunting, will at last cost you the Pains to dig out: 'Tis a Cheese, which by how much the richer, has the thicker, the homelier, and the courser Coat; and whereof to a judicious Palate, the Maggots are the best. 'Tis a Sack-Posset, wherein the deeper you go, you will find it the sweeter. Wisdom is a Hen, whose Cackling we must value and consider, because it is attended with an Egg; But then, lastly, 'tis a Nut, which unless you chuse with Judgment, may cost you a Tooth, and pay you with nothing but a Worm. In consequence of these momentous Truths, the Grubean Sages have always chosen to convey their Precepts and their Arts, shut up within the Vehicles of Types and Fables, which having been perhaps more careful and curious in a- dorning,
47
dorning, than was altogether necessary, it has fared with these Vehicles after the usual Fate of Coaches over-finely painted and gilt; that the transitory Gazers have so dazzled their Eyes, and fill'd their Imaginations with the outward Lustre, as neither to regard or consider, the Person or the Parts of the Owner within. A Misfortune we undergo with somewhat less Reluctancy, because it has been common to us with Pythagoras, Æsop, Socrates, and other of our Predecessors.
However, that neither the World nor our selves may any longer suffer by such Misunderstandings, I have been prevailed on, after much Importunity from my Friends, to travel in a compleat and laborious Dissertation upon the prime Productions of our Society, which besides their beautiful Externals for the Gratification of superficial Readers, have darkly and deeply couched under them, the most finished and refined Systems of all Sciences and Arts; as I do not doubt to lay open by Untwisting or Unwinding, and either to draw up by Exantlation, or display by Incision. cision
THIS
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This great Work was entred upon some Years ago, by one of our most eminent Members: He began with the History of Reynard the Fox, but neither lived to publish his Essay, nor to proceed further in so useful an Attempt which is very much to be lamented, because the Discovery he made, and communicated with his Friends, is now universally received; Nor, do I think, any of the Learned will dispute, that famous Treatise to be a compleat Body of Civil Knowledge, and the Revelation, or rather, the Apocalyps of all State Arcana. But the Progress I have made is much greater, having already finished my Annotations upon several Dozens; From some of which, I shall impart a few Hints to the candid Reader, as far as will be necessary to the Conclusion at which I aim.
The first Piece I have handled is that of Tom Thumb, whose Author was a Pythagorean Philosopher. This dark Treatise contains the whole Scheme of the Metempsychosis, deducing the Progress of the Soul thro' all her Stages. THE
49
The next is Dr. Faustus, penn'd by Artephius, an Author bone note, and an Adeptus; He published it in the * *He lived a thousand.
nine hundred eighty fourth Year of his Age; this Writer proceeds wholly by Reincrudation, or in the via humids: And the Marriage between Faustus and Helen, does most conspicuously dilucidate the fermenting of the Male and Female Dragon.
Whittington
and his Cat, is the Work of that Mysterious Rabbi, Jehuda Hannasi, containing a Defence of the Gemara of the Jerusalem Misna, and its just preference to that of Babylon, contrary to the vulgar Opinion.
The
Hind and Panther. This is the Master-piece of a famous Writer † †Viz in the Year 1697.
now living, intended for a compleat Abstract of sixteen thousand Schoolmen from Scotus to Bellarmin,
Tommy Potts. Another Piece supposed by the same Hand, by way of Supplement to the former.
THE
E
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The
Wise Men of Gotham, cum Appendice. This is a Treatise of immense Erudition, being the great Original and Fountain of those Arguments, bandied about both in France and England, for a just Defence of the Moderns Learning and Wit, against the Presumption, the Pride, and the Ignorance of the Antients. This unknown Author hath so exhausted the Subject, that a penetrating Reader will easily discover, whatever hath been written since upon that Dispute, to be little more than Repetition. An Abstract of this Treatise hath been lately published by a worthy Member of our Society.
These Notices may serve to give the Learned Reader an Idea as well as a Taste of what the whole Work is likely to produce: wherein I have now altogether circumscribed my Thoughts and my Studies; and if I can bring it to a Perfection before I die, shall reckon I have well employ'd the poor Remains of an unfortunate Life. This indeed is more than I can justly expect from a Quill worn to the Pith in the Service of the State, in Pro's and Con's upon Popish Plots, and Meal
Tubs,
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Tubs, and Exclusion Bills, and Passive Obedience, and Addresses of Lives and Fortunes; and Prerogative, and Popery, and Liberty of Conscience, and Letters to a Friend; From an Understanding and a Conscience, thread-bare and ragged with perpetual turning; From a Head broken in a hundred places, by the Malignants of the opposite Factions, and from a Body spent with Poxes ill cured, by trusting to Bawds and Surgeons, who, (as it afterwards appeared) were profess'd Enemies to Me and the Government, and revenged their Party's Quarrel upon my Nose and Shins. Fourscore and eleven Pamphlets have I writ under three Reigns, and for the Service of six and thirty Factions. But finding the State has no farther Occasion for Me and my Ink, I retire willingly to draw it out into Speculations more becoming a Philosopher, having to my unspeakable Comfort, passed a long Life, with a Conscience void of Offence towards God and towards Men.
But to return. I am assured from the Reader's Candor, that the brief Specimen I have given, will easily clear all the rest of our Society's Productions from an Asper- sion
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sion grown, as it is manifest, out of Envy and Ignorance: That they are of little farther Use or Value to Mankind, beyond the common Entertainments of their Wit and their Style: For these I am sure have never yet been disputed by our keenest Adversaries: In both which, as well as the more profound and mystical Part, I have throughout this Treatise closely followed the most applauded Originals. And to render all compleat, I have with much Thought and Application of Mind, so ordered, that the chief Title prefixed to it, (I mean, That under which I design it shall pass in the common Conversations of Court and Town) is modelled exactly after the Manner peculiar to Our Society.
I confess to have been somewhat liberal in the Business of * * The Title Page in the Original was so torn, that it was not possible to recover several Titles which the Author here speaks of.
Titles, having observed the Humor of multiplying them, to bear great Vogue among certain Writers, whom I exceedingly Reverence. And indeed, it seems not unreasonable, that Books, the Children of the Brain, should have the Honor to be Christned with va- riety
53
riety of Names, as well as other Infants of Quality. Our famous Dryden has ventured to proceed a Point farther, endeavouring to introduce also a Multiplicity of * *See Virgil translated, &c.
God-fathers; which is an improvement of much more Advantage, upon a very obvious Account. 'Tis a Pity this admirable, Invention has not been better cultivated, so as to grow by this time into general Imitation, when such an Authority serves it for a Precedent. Nor have my Endeavours been wanting to second so useful an Example: But it seems, there is an unhappy Expence usually annexed to the Calling of a God-Father, which was clearly out of my Head, as it is very reasonable to believe. Where the Pinch lay, I cannot certainly affirm; but having employ'd a World of Thoughts and Pains, to split my Treatise into forty Sections, and having entreated forty Lords of my Acquaintance, that they would do me the Honor to stand, they all made it Matter of Conscience, and sent me their Excuses.
Sect.
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SECT. II.
ONCE upon a Time, there was a Man who had three Sons by one Wife, and all at a Birth, neither could the Mid-Wife tell certainly which was the Eldest. Their Father died while they were young, and upon his Death-Bed, calling the Lads to him, spoke thus.
Sons;
Because I have purchased no Estate, nor was born to any, I have long considered of some good Legacies to bequeath You; And at last, with much Care as well as Expence, have provided each of you (here they are) a new Coat. Now, you are to understand, that these Coats have two Virtues contained in them: One is, that with good wearing, they will last you fresh and found as long as you live: The other is, that they will grow in the same Proportion with your Bodies, lengthning and widening of themselves, so as to be always fit. Here, let me see them on you before I die. So, very well, Pray Children, wear them clean, and brush them often. You will find in my Will (here it is) full Instructions in every Particular
concerning
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concerning the Wearing and Management of your Coats; wherein you must be very exact, to avoid the Penalties I have appointed for every Transgression or Neglect, upon which your future Fortunes will entirely depend. I have also commanded in my Will, that you should live together in one House like Brethren and Friends, for then you will be sure to thrive, and not otherwise.
Here the Story says, this good Father died, and the three Sons went all together to seek their Fortunes.
I shall not trouble you with recounting, what Adventures they met for the first seven Years, any farther than by taking notice, that they carefully observed their Father's Will, and kept their Coats in very good Order; That they travelled thro' several Countries, encountered a reasonable Quantity of Giants, and flew certain Dragons.
Being now arrived at the proper Age for producing themselves, they came up to Town, and fell in love with the Ladies, but especially three, who about that time were in chief Reputation: The Dutchess
d' Argent,
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d' Argent, Madame de Grands Titres, and the Countess d' Orgueil. On their first Appearance, our three Adventurers met with a very bad Reception; and soon with great Sagacity guessing out the Reason, they quickly began to improve in the good Qualities of the Town: They Writ, and Rallyed, and Rhymed, and Sung, and Said, and said Nothing: They Drank, and Fought, and Whord, and Slept, and Swore, and took Snuff: They went to new Plays on the first Night, haunted the Chocolate Houses, beat the Watch, lay on bulks, and got Claps: They bulks Hackney-Coachmen, ran in Debt with Shop-keepers, and lay with their Wives: They kill'd Bayliffs, kick'd fidlers down Stairs, eat at Locket's, loytered at Will's: They talk'd of the Drawing-Room and never came there, Dined with Lords they never saw; Whisper'd a Dutchess and spoke never a Word; exposed the Scrawls of their Laundress for Billetdoux of Quality came ever just from Court and were never seen in it; attended the Levee sub dio; Got a list of Peers by heart in one Company, and with great Familiarity retailed them in another. Above all, they constantly attended those Com- mittees
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mittees of Senators who are silent in the House, and loud in the Coffee-House, where they nightly adjourn to chew the Cud of Politicks, and are encompass'd with a Ring of Disciples, who lye in wait to catch up their Droppings. The three Brothers had acquired forty other Qualifications of the like Stamp, too tedious to recount, and by consequence, were justly reckoned the most accomplish'd Persons in Town: But all would not suffice, and the Ladies aforesaid continued still inflexible: To clear up which Difficulty, I must with the Reader's good Leave and Patience, have recourse to some Points of Weight, which the Authors of that Age have not sufficiently illustrated.
For, about this Time it happened, a Sect arose, whose Tenents obtained and spread very far, especially in the Grand Mende, and among every Body of good Fashion. They worshipped a sort of Idol, who, as their Doctrine delivered, did daily create Men, by a kind of Manufactory Operation. This Idol they placed in the highest Parts of the House, on an Altar erected about three Foot: He was shewn in the Posture of a Persian Emperor, fit- ting
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ting on a Superficies, with his Legs interwoven under him. This God had a Goose for his Ensign; whence it is, that some Learned Men pretend to deduce his Original from Jupiter Capitolinus. At his left Hand, beneath the Altar, Hell seemed to open, and catch at the Animals the Idol was creating; to prevent which, certain of his Priests hourly slung in Pieces of the uninformed Mass, or Substance, and sometimes whole Limbs already enlivened, which that horrid Gulph insatiably swallowed, terrible to behold. The Goose was also held a Subaltern Divinity, or Deus minorum gentium, before whose Shrine was sacrificed that Creature, whose hourly Food is Human Gore, and who is in so great Renown abroad, for being the Delight and Favourite of the Ægyptian Cercopithecus. Millions of these Animals ware cruelly slaughtered every Day, to appease the Hunger of that consuming Deity. The chief Idol was also worshipped as the Inventor of the Yard and the Needle, whether as the God of Seamen, or on Account of certain other mystical Attributes, hath not been sufficiently cleared.
The
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The Worshippers of this Deity had also a System of their Belief, which seemed to turn upon the following Fundamental. They held the Universe to be a large Suit of Cloaths which invests every Thing: That the Earth is invested by the Air; The Air is invested by the Stars; and the Stars are invested by the Primum Mobile. Look on this Globe of Earth, you will find it to be a very compleat and fashionable Dress. What is that which some call Land, but a fine Coat faced with Green? or the Sea, but a Wast-Coat of Water-Tabby? Proceed to the particular Works of the Creation, you will find how curious Journey-man Nature hath been, to trim up the vegetable Beaux: Observe how sparkish a Perewig adorns the Head of a Beech, and what a fine Doublet of white Sattin is worn by the Birch. To conclude from all, What is Man himself but a Micro-Coat, or rather a compleat Suit of Cloaths with all its Trimmings. As to his Body, there can be no Dispute: but examine even the Acquirements of his Mind, you will find them all contribute in their Order, towards furnishing out an exact Dress: To instance no more; Is not Religion a Cloak, Honesty a Pair of Shoes,
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worn out in the Dirt, Self love a Surtout, Vanity a Shirt, and Conscience a Pair of Breeches, which the' a Cover for Lewdness as well as Nastiness, is easily slipt down for the Service of both.
These
Postulata being admitted, it will follow in due course of Reasoning, that those Beings which the World calls improperly Suits of Cloaths, are in Reality the most refined Species of Animals, or to proceed higher, that they are Rational Creatures, or Men. For, is it not manifest, that They live, and move, and talk, and perform all other Offices of Human Life? Are not Beauty, and Wit, and Mien, and Breeding, their inseparable Proprieties? In short, we see nothing but them, hear nothing but them, Is it not They who walk the Streets, fill up Parliament-,Coffee-, Play-,Bawdy-houses. 'Tis true indeed, that these Animals, which are vulgarly called Suits of Cloaths, or Dresses, do according to certain Compositions receive different Appellations. If one of them be trimm'd up with a Gold Chain, and a red Gown, and a white Rod, and a great Horse, it is called a Lord Mayor; If certain Ermines and Furs be placed in a cer- tain
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tain Position, we stile them a Judge, and so, an apt Conjunction of Lawn and black Sattin, we entitle a Bishop.
Others of these Professors, the' agreeing in the main System, were yet more refined upon certain Branches of it; and held, that Man was an Animal compounded of two Dresses, the Natural and the Celestial Suit, which were the body and the Soul: That the Soul was the outward, and the Body the inward Cloathing; that the latter was ex traduce; but the former, of daily Creation and Circumfusion. This last they proved by Scripture, because, in Them we Live, and Move, and have our Being: As likewise by Philosophy, because they are All in All, and All in every Part, Besides, said they: Separate these two, and you will find the Body to be only a fenceless unsavory Carcass. By all which it is manifest, that the outward Dress must needs be the Soul.
To this System of Religion were tagged several subaltern Doctrines, which were entertained with great Vogue: as particularly, the Faculties of the Mind were deduced by the Learned among them in
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in this manner: Embroidery, was Sheer Wit; Gold Fringe was agreeable Conversation, Gold Lace was Repartee, a huge long Periwig was Humor, and a Coat full of Powder was very good Raillery: All which required abundance of Finesse and Delicatesse to manage with Advantage, as well as a strict Observance after Times and Fashions.
I have with much Pains and Reading, collected out of antient Authors, this short Summary of a Body of Philosophy and Divinity, which seems to have been composed by a Vein and Race of Thinking, very different from any other Systems, either Antient or Modern. And it was not meerly to entertain or satisfy the Reader's Curiosity, but rather to give him Light into several Circumstances of the following Story: that knowing the State of Dispositions and Opinions in an Age so remote, he may better comprehend those great Events which were the Issue of them. I advise therefore the courteous Reader, to peruse with a world of Application, again and again, whatever I have written upon this Matter. And so leaving these broken Ends, I carefully ga- ther
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ther up the chief Thread of my Story, and proceed.
These Opinions therefore were so universal, as well as the Practices of them, among the refined Part of Court and Town, that our three Brother Adventurers, as their Circumstances then stood, were strangely at a loss. For, on the one side, the three Ladies they address'd themselves to, (whom we have named already) were ever at the very Top of the Fashion, and abhorred all that were below it, but the breadth of a Hair. On the other side, their Father's Will was very precise, and it was the main Precept in it, with the greatest Penalties annexed, not to add to, or diminish from their Coats, one Thread, without a positive Command in the Will. Now, the Coats their Father had left them, were, 'tis true, of very good Cloath, and besides, so neatly sown, you would swear they were all of a Piece, but at the same time, very plain, and with little or no Ornament: And it happened, that before they were a Month in Town, great Shoulder-knots came up; Strait, all the World was Shoulder-knots; no approaching the Ladies Buelles without the Quota
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of Shoulder-knots? That Fellow, cries one, has no Soul; where is his Shoulder-knot? Our three Brethren soon discovered their Want by sad Experience, meeting in their Walks, with forty Mortifications and Indignities. If they went to the Play-house, the Door-keeper shewed them into the Twelve-peny Gallery. If they called a Boat, says a Water-man, I am first Sculler: If they slept to the Rose to take a Bottle, the Drawer would cry, Friend, we fell no Ale. If they went to visit a Lady, a Footman met them at the Door with, Pray send up your Message. In this unhappy Case, they went immediately to consult their Father's Will, read it over and over, but not a Word of the Shoulder-knot. What should they do? What Temper should they find? Obedience was absolutely necessary, and yet Shoulder-knots appeared extremely requisite. After much Thought, one of the Brothers who happened to be more Booklearned than the other two, said, he had found an Expedient. 'Tis true, said he, there is nothing here in this will, totidem verbis, making mention of Shoulder-knots, but I dare conjecture, we may find them inclusive, or totidem Syllabis. This Distinction was immediately approved by all; and
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and so they fell again to examine the Will. But their evil Star had so directed the Matter, that the first Syllable was not to be found in the whole Writing. Upon which Disappointment, he who found the former Evasion, took heart, and said, Brothers, there is yet Hopes; for the we cannot find them totidem verbis, nor totidem syllabis, I dare engage we shall make them out tertio modo, or totidem literis. This Discovery was also highly commended, upon which they fell once more to the Scrutiny, and soon pick'd out S,H,O,U,L,D,E,R; when the same Planet, Enemy to their Repose, had wonderfully contrived, that a K was not to be found. Here was a weighty Difficulty! But the distinguishing Brother (for whom we shall hereafter find a Name) now his Hand was in, proved by a very good Argument, that K was a modern illegitimate Letter, unknown to the Learned Ages, not any where to be found in antient Manuscripts. 'Tis true, said he, the Word Calendre hath in ** Quibusdam Veteribes Codicibus.
Q.V.C. been sometimes writ with a K, but erroneously, for in the best Copies it is ever spelt with a C. And by consequence it was a gross Mistake in our
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our Language to spell Knot with a K, but that from henceforward, he would take care it should be writ with a C. Upon this, all further Difficulty vanished; Shoulder-Knots were made clearly out, to be Jure Paterno, and our three Gentlemen swaggered with as large and as slanting ones as the best.
BUT; as human Happiness is of a very short Duration, so in those Days were human Fashions, upon which it entirely depends. Shoulder-knots had their Time, and we must now imagine them in their Decline; for a certain Lord came just from Paris, with fifty Yards of Gold Lace upon his Coat, exactly trimm'd after the Court Fashion of that Month. In two Days all Mankind appeared closed up in Bars of Gold Lace: Whoever durst peep abroad without his Complement of Gold Lace, was as scandalous as a ------, and as ill received among the Women. What should our three Knights do in this momentous Affair; They had sufficiently strained a Point already, in the Affair of Shoulder-knots: Upon Recourse to the Will, nothing appeared there but altum sitentium. That of the Shoulder-knots was a loose, fly- ing,
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ing, circumstantial Point; but his of Gold Lace, seemed too considerable an Alteration without better Warrant; it did aliquo modo essentiœ adharere, and therefore required a positive Precept. But about this time it fell out, that the learned Brother aforesaid, had read Aristotelis Dialectica, and especially that wonderful Piece de Interpretatione, which has the Faculty of teaching its Readers to find out a Meaning in every Thing but it self; like Commentators on the Revelations, who proceed Prophets without understanding a Syllable of the Text. Brothers, said he, You are to be informed, that, of Wills, duo sunt genera, Nuncupatory and Scriptory: that in the Scriptory Will here before us, there is no Precept or Mention about Gold Lace, confeditur: But, si idem affirmetur de nuncupatorio, negatur. For, Brothers, if you remember, we heard a Fellow say when we were Boys, that he heard my Father's Man say, that he heard my Father say, that he would advise his Sons to get Gold Lace on their Coats, as soon as ever they could procure Money to buy it. By G— that is very true, cries the other; I remember it perfectly well, said the third. And so without more ado they got the largest Gold
Lase
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Lace in the Parish, and walk'd about as fine as Lords.
A while after, there came up all in Fashion, a pretty fort of stame-coloured Sattin for Linings, and the Mercer brought a Pattern of it immediately to our three Gentlemen, An please your Worships (said he) My Lord C---- and Sir J. W. had Linings out of this very Piece last Night, it takes wonderfully, and I shall not have a Remnant left, enough to make my Wife a Pin-cushion by tomorrow Morning at ten a Clock. Upon this they fell again to romage the Will, because the pretent Case also required a positive Precept, the Lining being held by Orthodox Writers to be of the Essence of the Coat. After long search, they could fix upon nothing to the Matter in hand, except a short Advice of their Father's in the Will, to take Care of Fire, and put out their Candles before they went to Sleep. This, the a good deal for the Purpose, and helping very far towards Self-Conviction, yet not seeming wholly of Force to establish a Command; and being resolved to avoid farther Scruple, as well as future Occasion for Scandal, says He that was the Scholar; I remember to
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have read in Wills, of a Codicil annexed, which is indeed a Part of the Will, and what it contains bath equal Authority with the rest. Now, I have been considering of this same Will here before us, and I cannot reckon it to be compleat for want of such a Codicil. I will therefore fasten one in its proper Place very dexterously; I have had it by me some Time, it was written by a Dog-keeper of my Grand father's, and talks a great deal (as good Luck would have it) of this very flame-colour'd Sattin. The Project was immediately approved by the other two; an old Parchment Scrowl was tagged on according to Art, in the Form of a Codicil annext, and the Sattin bought and worn.
NEXT Winter, a Player, hired for the Purpose by the Corporation of Fringemakers, acted his Part in a new Comedy, all covered with Silver Fringe, and according to the laudable Custom gave Rise to that Fashion. Upon which, the Brothers consulting their Father's Will, to their great Astonishment found these Words: Item, I charge and command my said three Sons, to wear no sort of Silver Fringe upon or about their said Coats, &c. with a Pe- nalty
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nalty in case of Disobedience, too long here to insert, However, after some Pause the Brother so often mentioned for his Erudition, who was well skill'd in Criticisms, had found in a certain Author, which he said should be nameless, that the same Word which in the Will is called Fringe, does also signifie a Broom-stick: and doubtless ought to have the same Interpretation in this Paragraph. This, another of the Brothers disliked, because of that Epithet, Silver, which could not, he humbly conceived, in Propriety of Speech be reasonably applied to a Broom-stick: but it was replied upon him, that this Epithet was understood in a Mythological, and Allegorical Sense. However, he objected again, why their Father should forbid them to wear a Broom-stick on their Coats, a Caution that seemed unnatural and impertinent; upon which he was taken up short, as one that spoke irreverently of a Mystery, which doubtless was very useful and significant, but ought not to be overcuriously pryed into, or nicely reasoned upon. And in short, their Father's Authority being now considerably sunk, this Expedient was allowed to serve as a law- ful
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ful Dispensation, for wearing their full Proportion of Silver Fringe.
A while after, was revived an old Fashion, long antiquated, of Embroidery with Indian Figures of Men, Women and Children. Here they had no Occasion to examine the Will. They remembred but too well, how their Father had always abhorred this Fashion; that he made several Paragraphs on purpose, importing his utter Detestation of it, and bestowing his everlasting Curse to his Sons whenever they should wear it. For all this, in a few Days, they appeared higher in the Fashion than any body else in the Town. But they solved the Matter by saying, that these Figures were not at all the same with those that were formerly worn, and were meant in the Will. Besides, they did not wear them in that Sense, as forbidden by their Father, but as they were a commendable Custom, and of great Use to the Publick. That these rigorous Clauses in the Will did therefore require some Allowance, and a favourable Interpretation, and ought to be understood cum grane Salis.
BUT.
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BUT, Fashions perpetually altering in that Age, the Scholastick Brother grew weary of searching farther Evasions, and solving everlasting Contradictions. Resolved therefore at all Hazards to comply with the Modes of the World, they concerted Matters together, and agreed unanimously, to lock up their Father's Will in a Strong-Box, brought out of Greece or Italy, (I have forgot which) and trouble themselves no farther to examine it, but only refer to its Authority whenever they thought fit. In consequence whereof, a while after, it grew a general Mode to wear an infinite Number of Points, most of them tagg'd with Silver: Upon which the Scholar pronounced ex Cathedra, that Points were absolutely Jure Paterno, as they might very well remember. 'Tis true indeed, the Fashion prescribed somewhat more than were directly named in the Will; However, that they, as Heirs general of their Father, had Power to make and add certain Clauses for publick Emolument, though not deducible totidem verbis from the Letter of the Will, or else, Multa absurda sequerentur. This was understood for Canonical, and therefore on the
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the following Sunday they came to Church all covered with Points.
THE Learned Brother so often mentioned, was reckon'd the best Scholar in all that or the next Street to it; insomuch, as having run something behindhand with the World, he obrained the Favour from a certain Lord, to receive him into his House, and to teach his Children. A while after the Lord Died, and he by long Practice upon his Father's Will, found the way of contriving a Deed of Conveyance of that House to Himself and his Heirs: Upon which he took Possession, turned the young Squires out, and received his Brothers in their stead.
SECT.
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SECT. III.
Digression concerning Criticks.
T HO' I have been hitherto as cautious as I could, upon all Occasions, most nicely to follow the Rules and Methods of Writing, laid down by the Example of our illustrious Moderns; yet has the unhappy shortness of my Memory led me into an Error, from which I must immediately extricate my self, before I can decently pursue my principal Subject. I confess with Shame, it was an unpardonable Omission to proceed so far as I have already done, before I had performed the due Discourses, Expostulatory, Supplicatory, or Deprecatory with my good Lords the Criticks. Towards some Atonement for this grievous Neglect, I do here make humbly bold to present them with a short Account of themselves and their Art, by looking into the Original and Pedigree of the Word, as it is generally understood among us, and very briefly considering the antient and present State thereof, BY
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BY the Word, Critick, at this Day so frequent in all Conversations, there have sometimes been distinguished three very different Species of Mortal Men, according as I have read in Antient Books and Pamphlets. For first, by this Term were understood such Persons as invented or drew up Rules for themselves and the World, by observing which, a careful Reader might be able to pronounce upon the Productions of the Learned, form his Taste to a true Relish of the Sublime and the Admirable, and divide every Beauty of Matter or of Style from the Corruption that Apes it: In their common perusal of Books, singling out the Errors and Defects, the Nauseous, the Fulsome, the Dull, and the Impertinent, with the Caution of a Man that walks thro' Edenborough Streets in a Morning, who is indeed as careful as he can, to watch diligently, and spy out the Filth in his Way, not that he is curious to observe the Colour and Complextion of the Ordure, or take its Dimensions, much less to be padling in, or tasting it: but only with a Design to come out as cleanly as he may. These Men seem, the' very erroneously, to have understood the Appellation of Critick
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Critick in a literal Sense; That one principal part of his Office was to Praise and Acquit; and, that a Critick, who sets up to Read, only for an Occasion of Censure and Reproof, is a Creature as barbarous, as a Judge, who should take up a Resolution to hang all Men that came before him upon a Tryal.
AGAIN; by the Word Critick, have been meant, the Restorer of Antient Learning from the Worms, and Graves, and Dust of Manuscripts.
NOW, the Races of these two have been for some Ages utterly extinct; and besides, to discourse any farther of them, would not be at all to my purpose.
THE Third, and Noblest Sort, is that of the TRUE CRITICK, whose Original is the most Antient of all. Every True Critick is a Hero born, descending in a direct Line from a Celestial Stem, by Momus and Hybris, who begat Loilus, who begat Tigellius, who begat Etcætera the Elder, who begat B.tly, and Rym-r, and W-ttn, and Perrault, and Dennis, who begat Etcætera the Younger. AND
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AND these are the Criticks from whom the Commonwealth of Learning has in all Ages received such immense benefits, that the Gratitude of their Admirers placed their Origine in Heaven, among those of Hercules, Theseus, Perseus, and other great Deservers of Mankind. But Heroick Virtue it self hath not been exempt from the Obloquy of Evil Tongues. For it hath been objected, that those Antient Heroes, famous for their Combating so many Giants, and Dragons, and Robbers, were in their own Persons a greater Nuisance to Mankind, than any of those Monsters they subdued; and therefore, to render their Obligations more Compleat, when all other Vermin were destroy'd, should in Conscience have concluded with the same Justice upon them selves: as Hercules most generously did, and hath upon that Score, procured to himself more Temples and Votaries than the best of his Fellows. For these Reasons, I suppose it is, why some have conceived, it would be very expedient for the Publick Good of Learning, that every True Critick, as soon as he had finished his Task assigned, should immediately deliver himself up to Rats- bane,
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bane, or Hemp, or from some convenient Altitude, and that no Man's Pretensions to so illustrious a Character, should by any means be received, before That Operation were performed.
NOW, from this Heavenly Descent of Criticism, and the close Analogy it bears to Heroick Virtue, "tis easie to Assign the proper Employment of a True, Antient, Genuine Critick; which is, to travel thro" this vast World of Writings: to pursue and hunt those Monstrous Faults bred within them : to drag out the lurking Errors like Cacus from his Den; to multiply them like Hydra's Heads; and rake them together like Augeas's Dung. Or else drive away a fort of Dangerous Fow!, who have a perverse Inclination to plunder the best Branches of the Tree of Knowledge, like those Stymphalian Birds that eat up the Fruit.
THESE, Reasonings will furnish us with an adequate Definition of a true Critick; that, He is a Discoverer and Collector of Writers Faults. Which may be further but beyond Dispute by the following Demonstration: That whoever will examine the
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the Writings in all kinds, wherewith this antient Sect has honour'd the World, shall immediately find, from the whole Thread and Tenour of them, that the Idea's of the Authors have been altogether coversant, and taken up with the Faults and Blemishes, and Oversights, and Mistakes of other Writers; and let the Subject treated on be whatever it will, their Imaginations are so entirely possess'd and replete with the Defects of other Pens, that the very Quintessence of what is bad, does of necessity destil into their own: by which means the whole appears to be nothing else but an Abstract of the Criticisms themselves have made.
HAVING thus briefly consider'd the Original and Office of a Critick, as the Word is understood in its most noble and universal Acceptation, I proceed to refute the Objections of those who argue from the Silence and Pretermission of Authors; by which they pretend to prove, that the very Art of Criticism, as now exercited, and by me explained, is wholly Modern; and consequently, that the Criticks of Great Britain and France, have no Title to an Original so Antient and Illustrious as I have deduced,
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deduced. Now, If I can clearly make out on the contrary, that the most Antient Writers have particularly described, both the Person and the Office of a True Critick, agreeable to the Definition laid down by me; their Grand Objection, from the Silence of Authors, will fall to the Ground.
I confess to have for a long time born a part in this general Error; from which I should never have acquitted my self, but thro' the Assistance of our Noble Moderns. whose most edifying Volumes I turn indefatigably over Night and Day, for the Improvement of my Mind, and the good of my Country: These have with unwearied Pains made many useful Searches into the weak sides of the Antients, and given us a comprehensive List of them. ** See Wotton of Antient and Modern Learning.
Besides, they have proved beyond contradiction, that the very finest Things delivered of old, have been long since invented, and brought to Light by much later Pens, and that the noblest Discoveries those Antients ever made of Art or of Nature, have all been produced by the transcending Genius of the present Age
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Age. Which clearly shews, how little Merit those Antients can justly pretend to; and takes off that blind Admiration paid them by Men in a Corner, who have the Unhappiness of conversing too little with present Things. Reflecting maturely upon all this, and taking in the whole Compass of Human Nature, I easily concluded, that these Antients, highly sensible of their many Imperfections, must needs have endeavoured from some Passages in their Works, to obviate, soften, or divert the Censorious Reader, by Satyr, or Panegyrick upon the True Criticks, in Imitation of their Masters the Moderns. Now, in the Common-Places of ** Satyr, and Panegyrick upon Criticks.
both these, I was plentifully instructed, by a long Course of useful Study in Prefaces and Prologues; and therefore immediately resolved to try what I could discover of either, by a diligent Perusal of the most Antient Writers, and especially those who treated of the earliest Times. Here I found to my great Surprize, that although they all entred, upon Occasion, into particular Descriptions of the True Critick, according as they were governed by their Fears or their Hopes: yet whatever they touch'd of that kind, was with
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with abundance of Caution, adventuring no farther than Mythology and Hieroglyphick. This, I suppose, gave ground to superficial Readers, for urging the Silence of Authors, against the Antiquity of the True Critick; tho' the Types are so apposite, and the Applications so necessary and natural, that it is not easy to conceive, how any Reader of a Modern Eye and Taste could over-look them. I shall venture from a great Number to produce a few, which I am very confident, will put this Question beyond Dispute.
IT well deserves considering, that these Antient Writers in treating Enigmatically upon this Subject, have generally fixed upon the very same Hieroglyph, varying only the Story according to their Affections or their Wit. For first; Pausanias is of Opinion, that the Perfection of Writing correct was entirely owing to the Institution of Criticks; and, that he can possibly mean no other than the True Critick, is, I think, manifest enough from the following Description. He says, They were a Race of Men, who delighted to nibble at the Superfluites, and Excrescencies of Books; which the Learned at length observing, took
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Warning of their own Accord, to lop the Luxuriant, the Rotten, the Dead, the Sapless, and the Overgrown Branches from their Works. But now, all this he cunningly shades under the following Allegory; That the ** Lib.----
Nauplians in Argia, learned the Art of pruning their Vines, by observing, that when an ASS had browsed upon one of them, it thrived the better, and bore fairer Fruit. But††Lib. 4.
Herodotus holding the very same Hieroglyph, speaks much plainer, and almost in terminis. He hath been so bold as so tax the True Criticks, of Ignorance and Malice; telling us openly, for I think nothing can be plainer, that in the Western Part of Libya, there were ASSES with HORNS: Upon which Relation ** Vid excerpta ex eo apud Photium.Ctesias yet refines, mentioning the very same Animal about India; adding, That whereas all other ASSES wanted a Gall, these borned ones were so redundant in that Part, that their Flesh was not to be eaten, because of its extream Bitterness.
NOW, the Reason why those Antient Writers treated this Subject only by Types and
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and Figures, war, because they durst not make open Attacks against a Party so Potent and so Terrible, as the Criticks of those Ages were: whose very Voice was so Dreadful, that a Legion of Authors would tremble, and drop their Pens at the Sound; For so ** Lib. 4.
Herodotus tells us expresly in another Place, how a vast Army of Scythians was put to flight in a Panick Terror, by the Braying of an ASS. From hence it is conjectured by certain profound Philologers, that the great Awe and Reverence paid to a True Critick, by the Writers of Britain, have been derived to Us, from those our Scythian Ancestors. In short, this Dread was so universal, that in process of Time, those Authors who had a mind to publish their Sentiments more freely, in describing the True Criticks of their several Ages, were forced to leave off the use of the former Hieroglyph, as too nearly approaching the Prototype, and invented other Terms instead thereof, that were more cautious and mystical; so † †Lib.
Diodorus speaking to the same purpose, ventures no farther than to say, that in the Mountains of Helicon there grows a certain Weed, which bears a Flower of so damned a Scent, as to
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poison those who offer to smell it. Lucretius gives exactly the same Relation.
Est etiam in magnis Heliconis montibus arbos,
Floris odore hominem retro consueta necare. Lib. 6.
BUT Ctesias, whom we lately quoted, hath been a great deal bolder; He had been used with much severity by the True Criticks of his own Age, and therefore could not forbear to leave behind him, at least one deep Mark of his Vengeance, against the whole Tribe. His Meaning is so near the Surface, that I wonder how it possibly came to be overlook'd by those who deny the Antiquity of the True Criticks. For pretending to make a Description of many strange Animals about India, he hath set down these remarkable Words. Among the rest, says he, there is a Serpent that wants Teeth, and consequently cannot bite, but if its Vomit (to which it is much addicted) happens to fall upon any Thing, a certain Rottenness or Corruption ensues: These Serpents are generally found among the Mountains where Jewels grow, and they frequently emit a poisonous Juice,
where of
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whereof, whoever drinks, that Person's Brains flies out of his Nostrils.
THERE was also among the Antients a fort of Critick, not distinguisht in specie from the Former, but in Growth or Degree, who seem to have been only the Tyro's or junior Scholars; yet because of their differing Employments, they are frequently mentioned as a Sect by themselves. The usual exercise of these younger Students, was to attend constantly at Theatres, and learn to spy out the worst Parts of the Play, whereof they were obliged carefully to take Note, and render a rational Account, to their Tutors. Flesht at these smaller Sports, like young Wolves, they grew up in Time, to be nimble and strong enough for hunting down large Game. For it hath been observed both among Antients and Moderns, that a True Critick hath one Quality in common with a Whore and an Alderman, never to change his Title or his Nature; that a Grey Critick has been certainly a green one, the Perfections and Acquirements of his Age being only the improved Talents of his Youth; like Hemp, which some Naturalists inform us, is bad for Suffocations, tho' taken
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taken but in the Seed. I esteem the Invention, or at least the Refinement of Prologues, to have been owing to these younger Proficients, of whom Terence makes frequent and honourable mention, under the Name of Malevoli.
NOW, 'tis certain, the Institution of the True Criticks, was of absolute Necessity to the Common-wealth of Learning. For all Human Actions seem to be divided like Themistocles and his Company; One Man can Fiddle, and another can make a small Town a great City; and he that cannot do either one or the other, deserves to be kick'd out of the Creation. The avoiding of which Penalty, has doubtless given the first Birth to the Nation of Criticks, and withal, an Occasion for their secret Detractors to report; that a True Critick is a fort of Mechanick, set up with a Stock and Tools for his Trade, at as little Expence as a Taylor; and that there is much Analogy between the Utensils and Abilities of both: That the Taylor's Hell is the Type of a Critick's Commonplace-Book, and his Wit and Learning held forth by the Goose: That it requires at least as many of these, to the making up of
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of one Scholar, as of the others to the Composition of a Man: That the Valour of both is equal, and their Weapons near of a Size. Much may be said in answer to these invidious Reflections; and I can positively affirm the first to be a Falshood: For, on the contrary, nothing is more certain, than that it requires greater Layings out, to be free of the Critick's Company, than of any other you can name. For, as to be a true Beggar, it will cost the richest Candidate every Groat he is worth; so, before one can commence a True Critick, it will cost a Man all the good Qualities of his Mind; which, perhaps, for a lass Purchase, would be thought but an indifferent Bargain,
HAVING thus amply proved the Antiquity of Criticism, and described the Primitive State of it; I shall now examine the present Condition of this Empire, and shew how well it agrees with its antient self. ** Quotation after the manner of a great Author Vide Bently's Disseration, &c.A certain Author whose Works have many Ages since been entirely lost, does in his fifth Book and eighth Chapter, say of Criticks, that their Writings are the Mirrors of
Learning.
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Learning. This I understand in a literal Sense, and suppose our Author must mean, that whoever designs to be a perfect Writer, must inspect into the Books of Criticks, and correct his Invention there as in a Mirror. Now, whoever considers, that the Mirrors of the Antients were made of Brass, and sine Mercurio, may presently apply the two Principal Qualifications of a True Modern Critick, and consequently, must needs conclude, that these have always been, and must be for ever the same. For, Brass is an Emblem of Duration, and when it is skillfully burnished, will cast Reflections from its own Superficies, without any Assistance of Mercury from behind. All the other Talents of a Critick will not require a particular Mention, being included, or easily deduceable to these. However, I shall conclude with three Maxims, which may serve both as Characteristicks to distinguish a True Modern Critick from a Pretender, and will be also of admirable Use to those worthy Spirits, who engage in so useful and honourable an Art. THE
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THE first is, That Criticism, contrary to all other Faculties of the Intellect, is ever held the truest and best, when it is the very first Result of the Critick's Mind: As Fowlers reckon the first aim for the surest, and seldom sail of missing the Mark, if they stay not for a Second.
SECONDLY; The True Criticks are known by their Talent of Swarming about the noblest Writers, to which they are carried meerly by Instinct, as a Rat to the best Cheese, or a Wasp to the fairest Fruit. So, when the King is a Horse-back, he is sure to be the dirtiest Person of the Company, and they that make their Court best, are such as bespatter him most.
LASTLY; A True Critick, in the Perusal of a Book, is like a Dog at a Feast, whose Thoughts and Stomach are wholly set upon what the Guests fling away, and consequently, is apt to Snarl most, when there are the fewest Bones.
THUS
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THUS much, I think, is sufficient to serve by way of Address to my Patrons, the True Modern Criticks, and may very well atone for my past Silence, as well as That which I am like to observe for the future. I hope I have deserved so well of their whole Body, as to meet with generous and tender Usage at their Hands. Supported by which Expectation, I go on boldly to pursue those Adventures already so happily begun.
SECT.
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SECT. IV.
A TALE of a TUB.
I HAVE now with much Pains and Study, conducted the Reader to a Period, where he must expect to hear of great Revolutions. For no sooner had Our Learned Brother, so often mentioned, got a warm House of his own over his Head, than he began to look big, and to take mightily upon him; insomuch, that unless the Gentle Reader out of his great Candour, will please a little to exalt his idea, I am afraid he will henceforth hardly know the Hero of the Play, when he happens to meet Him; his Part, his Dress, and his Mien being so much altered.
HE told his Brothers, he would have them to know, that he was their Elder, and consequently his Father's sole Heir; Nay, a while after, he would not allow them to call Him, Brother, but Mr. PETER; And then he must be styled, Father Peter; and sometimes, My Lord Peter. To support this Grandeur, which he soon began to consider, could not be maintained with- out
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out a Better Fonde than what he was born to; After much Thought, he cast about at last, to turn Projector and Virtuoso; wherein he so well succeded, that many famous Discoveries, Projects and Machines, which bear great Vogue and Practice at present in the World, are owing entirely to Lord Peter's Invention. I will deduce the best Account I have been able to collect of the Chief amongst them, without considering much the Order they came out in; because, I think, Authors are not well agreed as to that Point.
I hope, when this Treatise of mine shall be translated into Forein Languages, (as I may without Vanity affirm, That the Labor of collecting, the Faithfulness in recounting, and the great Usefulness of the Matter to the Publick, will amply deserve that Justice) that the worthy Members of the several Academies abroad, especially those of France and Italy, will favourably accept these humble Offers, for the Advancement of Universal Knowledge I do also advertise the most Reverend Fathers the Eastern Missionaries, that I have purely for their sakes, made use of such Words and Phrases, as will best ad- mit
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mit an easie Turn into any of the Oriental Languages, especially the Chinese. And so I proceed with great Content of Mind, upon reflecting, how much Emolument this whole Globe of Earth is like to reap by my Labours.
THE first Undertaking of Lord Peter, was to purchase a large Continent, lately said to have been discovered in Terra Australis incognita. This Tract of Land he bought at a very great Penny-worth from the Discoverers themselves, (tho' some pretended to doubt whether they had ever been there) and then retailed it into several Cantons to certain Dealers, who carried over Colonies, but were all Shipwreckt in the Voyage. Upon which, Lord Peter sold the said Continent to other Customers again, and again, and again, and again, with the same Success.
THE second Project I shall mention, was his Sovereign Remedy for the Worms, especially those in the Spleen. The Patient was to eat nothing after Supper for three Nights: as soon as he went to Bed, he was carefully to lye on one Side, and when he grew weary, to turn upon the other: He
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He must also duly confine his two Eyes to the same Object; and by no means break Wind at both Ends together, without manifest Occassion. These Prescriptions diligently observed, the Worms would void insensibly by Perspiration, ascending thro' the Brain.
A third Invention, was the Erecting of a Whispering-Office, for the Publick Good and Ease of all such as are Hypochondriacal, or troubled with the Cholick; as likewise of all Eves-droppers, Physicians, Midwives, small Politicians, Friends fallen out, Repeating Poets, Lovers Happy or in Despair, Bawds, Privy-Counsellours, Pages, Parasites and Buffoons; In short, of all such as are in Danger of bursting with too much Wind. An Ass's Head was placed so conveniently, that the Party affected might easily with his Mouth accost either of the Animal's Ears; which he was to apply close for a certain Space, and by a fugitive Faculty, peculiar to the Ears of that Animal, receive immediate Benefit, either by Eructation, or Expiration, or Evomition. ANO
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ANOTHER very beneficial Project of Lord Peter's was an Office of Ensurance, for Tobacco. Pipes, Martyrs of the Modern Zeal; Volumes of Poetry, Shadows, - - - - - - - - and Rivers: That these, nor any of these shall receive Damage by Fire. From whence our Friendly Societies may plainly find themselves, to be only Transcribers from this Original; tho' the one and the other have been of great Benefit to the Undertakers, as well as of equal to the Publick.
Lord Peter was also held the Original Author of Puppets and Raree-Shows; the great Usefulness whereof being so generally known, I shall not enlarge farther upon this Particular.
BUT, another Discovery for which he was much renowned, was his famous universal Pickle, For having remarks how your Common Pickle in use among Huswives, was of no farther Benefit than to preserve dead Flesh, and certain kinds of Vegetables; Peter, with great Cost as well as Art, had contrived a Pickle proper for
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for Houses, Gardens, Towns, Men, Women, Children, and Cattle; wherein he could preserve them as Sound as Insects in Amber. Now, this Pickle to the Taste, the Smell, and the Sight, appeared exactly the same, with what is in common Service for Beef, and Butter, and Herrings, (and has been often that way applied with great Success) but for its many Sovereign Virtues was quite a different Thing. For Peter would put in a certain Quantity of his Powder Pimperlim pimp, after which it never failed of Success. The Operation was performed by Spargefaction in a proper Time of the Moon. The Patient who was to be pickled, if it were a House, would infallibly be preserved from all Spiders, Rats, and Weazels; If the Party affected were a Dog, he should be exempt from Mange, and Madness, and Hunger. It also infallibly took away all Scabs and Lice, and scall'd Heads from Children, never hindring the Patient from any Duty, either at Bed or Board.
But of all Peter's Rarities, he most valued a certain Set of Bulls, whose Race was by great Fortune preserved in a lineal Descent from those that guarded the Golden-
Fleece
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Fleece. Tho' some who pretended to observe them curiously, doubted the Breed had not been kept entirely chast; because they had degenerated from their Ancestors in some Qualities, and had acquired others very extraordinary, but a Forein Mixture. The Bulls of Colchos are recorded to have brazen Feet; But whether it happened by ill Pasture and Running, by an Allay from Intervention of other Parents, from stolen Intrigues; Whether a Weakness in their Progenitors had impaired the seminal Virtue; Or by a Decline necessary thro' a long Course of Time, the Originals of Nature being depraved in these latter sinful Ages of the World; Whatever was the Cause, 'tis certain that Lord Peter's Balls were extremely vitiated by the Rust of Time in the Metal of their Feet, which was now sunk into common Lead. However, the terrible roaring peculiar to their Lineage, was preserved; as likewise that Faculty of breathing out Fire from their Nostrils; which notwithstanding, many of their Detractors took to be a Feat of Art, and to be nothing so terrible as it appeared; proceeding only from their usual Course of Dyet, which was of Squibs and Crackers. However, they had two
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two peculiar Marks which extreamly distinguished them from the Bulls of Jason, and which I have not met together in the Description of any other Monster, beside that in Horace;
Varias inducere plumas,
and
Atrum definit in piscem.
For, these had Fishes Tails, yet upon Occasion, could out-fly any Bird in the Air. Peter put these Bulls upon several Employs. Sometimes he would set them a roaring to fright Naughty Boys, and make them quiet. Sometimes he would send them out upon Errands of great Importance; where it is wonderful to recount, and perhaps the cautious Reader may think much to believe it; An Appetitus sensibilis, deriving it self thro' the whole Family, from their Noble Ancestors, Guardians of the Golden-Fleece; they continued so extremely fond of Gold, that if Peter sent them abroad, though it were only upon a Compliment; they would Roar, and Spit, and Belch, and Piss, and Fart, and Snivle out Fire, and keep a per- petual
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petual Coyl, till you flung them a Bit of Gold; but then Palveris exigui jactu, they would grow calm and quiet as Lambs. In short, whether by secret Connivance, or Encouragement from their Master, or out of their own liquorish Affection to Gold, or both; it is certain they were no better than a sort of sturdy, swaggering Beggars; and where they could not prevail to get an Alms, would make Women miscarry, and Children fall into Fits; who, to this very Day, usually call Sprites and Hobgoblins by the Name of Bull-Beggars. They grew at last so very troublesome to the Neighbourhood, that some Gentlemen of the North West, got a Parcel of right English Bull Dogs, and baited them so terribly, that they felt it ever after.
I must needs mention one more of Lord Peter's Projects, which was very extraordinary, and discovered him to be Master of a high Reach, and profound Invention. Whenever it happened that any Rogue of Newgate was condemned to be hang'd, Peter would offer him a Pardon for a certain Sum of Money, which when the poor Caitiff had made all Shifts to scrape up and send; His Lord-
ship
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ship would return a Piece of Paper in this Form.
T
O all Mayors, Sheriffs, Jaylors, Constables, Bayliffs, Hangmen, &c. Whereas we are informed that A. B. remains in the Hands of you, or any of you, under the Sentence of Death. We will and command you upon Sight hereof, to let the said Prisoner depart to his own Habitation, whether be stands condemned for Murder, Sodomy, Rape, Sacrilege, Incest, Treason, Blasphemy, &c. for which this shall be your sufficient Warrant: And if you sail hereof, G—d—mn You and Yours to all Eternity. And so we bid you heartily Farewel.
Your most Humble
Man's Man,
Emperor Peter:
The Wretches trusting to this, lost their Lives and Money too. H3
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I desire of those whom the Learned among Posterity will appoint for Commentators upon this elaborate Treatise; that they will proceed with great Caution upon certain dark Points, wherein all who are not Verè adepti, may be in Danger to form rash and hasty Conclusions, especially in some mysterious Paragraphs, where certain Arcana are joyned for Brevity sake, which in the Operation must be divided. And, I am certain, that future Sons of Art, will return large Thanks to my Memory, for so grateful, so useful an In
nuendo.
It will be no difficult Part to persuade the Reader, that so many worthy Discoveries met with great Success in the World; tho' I may justly assure him, that I have related much the smallest Number; My Design having been only to single out such, as will be of most Benefit for Publick Imitation, or which best served to give some Idea of the Reach and Wit of the Inventor. And therefore it need not be wondred, if by this Time, Lord Peter was become exceeding Rich. But alas, he had kept his Brain so long, and so vio- lenrly
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lently upon the Rack, that at last it shook it self, and began to turn round for a little Ease. In short, what with Pride, Projects, and Knavery, poor Peter was grown distracted, and conceived the strangest Imaginations in the World. In the Height of his Fits (as it is usual with those who run Mad out of Pride) He would call Himself God Almighty, and sometimes, Monarch of the Universe. I have seen him, (says my Author) take three old highcrown'd Hats, and clap them all on his Head, three Story high, with a huge Bunch of Keys at his Girdle, and an Angling Rod in his Hand. In which Guise, whoever went to take him by the Hand in the Way of Salutation, Peter with much Grace, like a well educated Spaniel, would present them with his Foot, and if they refused his Civility, then he would raise it as high as their Chops, and give them a damn'd Kick on the Mouth, which hath ever since been call'd a Salute. Whoever walkt by, without paying him their Compliments, having a wonderful strong Breath, he would blow their Hats off into the Dirt. Mean time, his Affairs at home went upside down; and his two Brothers had a wretched Time; Where his first Boutade
was
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was, to kick both their Wives one Morning out of Doors, and his own too, and in their stead, gave Orders to pick up the first three Strolers could be met with in the Streets. A while after, he nail'd up the Cellar Door, and would not allow his Brothers a Drop of Drink to their Victuals. Dining one Day at an Alderman's in the City. Peter observed him expatiating after the manner of his Brethren, in the Praises of his Surloyn of Beef. Beef, said the Sage Magistrate, is the King of Meat; Beef comprehends in it the Quintessence of Partridge, and Quail, and Venison, and Pheasant, and Plumpudding, and Custard. When Peter came home, he would needs take the Fancy of cooking up this Doctrine into use, and apply the Precept in default of a Sirloyn, to his brown Loaf: Bread, says he, Dear Brothers, is the Staff of Life; in which Bread is contained inclusivè the Quintessence of Beef, Mutton, Veal, Venison, Partridge, Plum-pudding, and Custard: And to render all compleat, there is intermingled a due Quantity of Water, whose Crudities are also corrected by Teast or Barm, thro' which means it becomes a wholsome fermented Liquor, diffused thro' the Mass of the Bread. Upon the Strength of these Con- clusions,
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clusions, next Day at Dinner was the brown Loaf served up in all the Formality of a City Feast. Come Brothers, said Peter, fall to, and spare not; here is excellent good Mutton; or hold, now my Hand is in, I'll help you. At which word, in much Ceremony, with Fork and Knife, he carves out two good Slices of a Loaf, and presents each on a Plate to his Brothers. The Elder of the two, not suddenly entring into Lord Peter's Conceit, began with very civil Language to examine the Mystery. My Lord, said he, I doubt, with great Submission, there may be some Mistake. What, says Peter, you are pleasant; Come then, let us hear this jest, your Head is so big with. None in the World, my Lord; but unless I am very much deceived, your Lordship was pleased a while ago, to let fall a Word about Mutton, and I would be glad to see it with all my Heart. How, said Peter, appearing in great Surprize, I do not comprehend this at all—Upon which, the younger interposing, to set the Business right; My Lord, said he, My Brother, I suppose, is hungry, and longs for the Mutton, your Lordship hath promised us to Dinner. Pray, said Peter, take me along with you, either you are both Mad, or disposed to be merrier that I
approve
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approve of; If You there, do not like your Piece, I will carve you another, tho' I should take that to be the choice Bit of the whole Shoulder. What then, my Lord, replied the first, it seems this is a shoulder of Mutton all this while. Pray, Sir, says Peter, eat your Vittels and leave off your Impertinence, if you please, for I am not disposed to relish it at present: But the other could not forbear, being over provoked at the affected Seriousness of Peter's Countenance. By G—, My Lord, said he, I can only say, that to my Eyes, and Fingers, and Teeth, and Nose, it seems to be nothing but a Crust of Bread. Upon which, the second put in his Word; I never saw a Piece of Mutton in my Life, so nearly resembling a Slice from a Twelve peny Loaf. Look ye, Gentlemen, cries Peter in a Rage, to convince you, what a couple of blind, positive, ignorant, wilful Puppies you are, I will use but this plain Argument; By G—,it is ture, good, natural Mutton as any in Leaden-Hall Market; and G—,confound you both eternally, if you offer to believe otherwise. Such a thundring Proof as this, left no further Room for Objection: The two Unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their Mistake as hastily as they could. Why, truly, said the
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the first, upon more mature Consideration—Ay, says the other, interrupting him, now I have thought better on the Thing, your Lordship seems to have a great deal of Reason. Very well, said Peter. Here Boy, fill me a Beer-Glass of Claret. Here's to you both with all my Heart. The two Brethren much delighted to see him so readily appeas'd returned their most humble Thanks, and said, they would be glad to pledge His Lordship. That you shall, said Peter, I am not a Person to refuse you any Thing that is reasonable; Wine moderately taken, is a Cordial; Here is a Glass apiece for you; 'Tis true natural Juice from the Grape; none of your damn'd Vintner's Brewings. Having spoke thus, he presented to each of them another large dry Crust, bidding them drink it off, and not be bashful, for it would do them not Hurt. The two Brothers, after having performed the usual Office in such delicate Conjunctures, of staring a sufficient Period at Lord Peter, and each other; and finding how Matters were like to go, resolved not to enter on a new Dispute, but let him carry the Point as he pleased; for he was now got into one of his mad Fits, and to Argue or Expostulate further, would only serve to
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to render him a hundred times more untractable.
I have chosen to relate this worthy Matter in all its Circumstances, because it gave a principal Occasion to that great and famous Rupture, which happened about the same time among these Brethren, and was never afterwards made up. But, of That, I shall treat at large in another Section.
However, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in his lucid Intervals, was very lewdly given in his common Conversation, extream wilful and positive, and would at any time rather argue to the Death, than allow himself to be once in an Error. Besides, he had an abominable Faculty of telling huge palpable Lies upon all Occasions; and swearing, not only to the Truth, but cursing the whole Company to Hell, if they pretended to make the least Scruple of believing Him. Onetime, he swore, he had a Cow at home, which gave as much Milk at a Meal, as would fill three thousand Churches; and what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn Sower. Another time, he was telling of an old Sign-Post
that
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that belonged to his Father, with Nails and Timber enough on it, to build sixteen large Men of War. Talking one Day of Chinese Waggons, which were made so light as to sail over Moutains: Z—nds, said Peter, where's the Wonder of that? By G—,I saw a large House of Lime and Stone travel over Sea and Land (granting that it stopt sometimes to bait) above two thousand German Leagues. And that which was the good of it, he would swear desperately all the while, that he never told a Lye in his Life; And at every Word; By G—,Gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the Truth; And the D—I broil them eternally that will not believe me.
In short, Peter grew so scandalous, that all the Neighbourhood began in plain Words to say, he was no better than a Knave. And his two Brothers long weary of his ill Usage, resolved at last to leave him; but first, they humbly desired a Copy of their Father's Will, which had now lain by neglected, time out of Mind. Instead of granting this Request, he called them domn'd Sons of Whores, Rogues, Traytors, and the rest of the vile Names he could muster up. However, while he was abroad
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abroad one Day upon his Projects, the two Youngsters watcht their Opportunity, made a Shift to come at the Will, and took a Copia vera, by which they presently saw how grosly they had been abused: Their Father having left them equal Heirs, and strictly commanded, that whatever they got, should lye in common among them all. Pursuant to which, thier next Enterprise was to break open the Cellar-Door, and get a little good Drink to spirit and comfort their Hearts. In copying the Will, they had met another Precept against Whoring, Divorce, and separate Maintenance; Upon which, their next Work was to discard their Concubines, and send for their Wives. Whilst all this was in agitation, there enters a Sollicitor from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to procure a Pardon for a Thief that was to be hanged to morrow. But the two Brothers told him, he was a Coxcomb to seek Pardons from a Fellow, who deserv'd to be hang'd much better than his Client; and discovered all the Method of that Imposture, in the same Form I delivered it a while ago, advising the Sollicitor to put his Friend upon obtaining a Pardon from the King: In the
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the midst of all this Clutter and Revolution, in comes Peter with a File of Dragoons at his Heels, and gathering from all Hands what was in the Wind, He and his Gang, after several Millions of Scurrilities and Curses, not very important here to repeat, by main Force, very fairly kicks them both out of Doors, and would never let them come under his Roof from that Day to this.
SECT
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SECT. V.
A Digression in the Modern Kind.
WE whom the World is pleased to honor with the Title of Modern Authors, should never have been able to compass our great Design of an everlasting Rememberance, and never-dying Fame, if our Endeavours had not been so highly serviceable to the general Good of Mankind. This, O Universe, is the Adventurous Attempt of me thy Secretary;
— Quemvis percerre laborem
Suadet, & inducit noctes vigilare serenas.
To this End, I have some Time since, with a World of Pains and Art, dissected the Carcass of Humane Nature, and read many useful Lectures upon the several Parts, both Containing and Contained; till at last it sinelt so strong, I could preserve it no longer. Upon which, I have been at a great Expence to fit up all the Bones with exact Contexture, and in due Symmetry;
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Symmetry; so that I am ready to shew a very compleat Anatomy thereof to all curious Gentlemen and others. But not to Digress farther in the midst of a Digression, as I have known some Authors in close Digressions in one another, like a Nest of Boxes; I do affirm, that having carefully cut up Humane Nature, I have found a very strange, new, and important Discovery; That the Publick Good of Mankind is performed by two Ways, Instruction, and Diversion. And I have farther proved in my said several Readings, (which, perhaps, the World may one day see, if I can prevail on any Friend to steal a Copy, or on certain Gentlemen of my Admirers, to be very Importunate) that, as Mankind is now disposed, he receives much greater Advantage by being Diverted than Instructed; His Epidemical Diseases being Fastidiosity, Amorphy, and Oscitation; whereas in the present universal Empire of Wir and Learning, there seems but little Matter left for Instruction. However, in Compliance with a Lesson of Great Age and Authority, I have attempted carrying the Point in all its Heights; and accordingly throughout this Divine Treatise, have skilfully kneaded up
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up both together with a Layer of Utile and a Layer of Dulce.
WHEN I consider how exceedingly our Illustrious Moderns have eclipsed the weak glimmering Lights of the Ancients, and turned them out of the Road of all fashionable Commerce, to a degree, that out choice Town Wits of most refined Accomplishments, are in grave Dispute, whether there have been ever any Ancients or no: In which Point we are like to receive wonderful Satisfaction from the most useful Labours and Lucubrations of that Worthy Modern, Dr. B---tly. I say, when I consider all this, I cannot but bewail, that no famous Modern bath ever yet attempted an universal System in a small portable Volume, of all Things that are to be Known, or Believed, or Imagined, or Practiced in Life. I am, however, forced to acknowledge, that such an enterprise was thought on some Time ago by a great Philosopher of O. Brazile. The Method he proposed, was by a certain curious Receipt, a Nostrum, which after his untimely Death, I found among his Papers; and do here out of my great Affection to the Modern Learned, present them with it, not doubt- ing,
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ing, it may one Day encourage some worthy Undertaker.
Ton take fair correct Copies, well bound in in Calf's Skin, and Lettered at the Back of all Modern Bodies of Arts and Sciences whatsoever, and in what Language you please. These you distill in blaneo Mariæ, infusing Quintessence of Poppy Q. S. together with three Pints of Lethe, to be had from the Apothecaries. Ton cleanse away carefully the Sordes and Caput mortuum, letting all that is volatiel evaporate. Ton preserve onely the first Running, which is again to be distilled seventeen times, till what remains will amount to about two Drams. This you keep in a Glass Viol Hermetically scaled, for one and twenty Days. Then you begin your Catholick Treatise, taking every Morning fasting, (first shaking the Viol) three Drops of this Elixir, snuffing it strongly up your Nose. It will dilate it Self about the Brain (where there is any) in fourteen Minutes, and you immediately perceive in your Head an infinite Number of Abstracts, Summaries, Compendiums, Extracts, Collections, Medulla's, Excerpta quædam's, Florilega's and the like, all disposed into great Order, and reducible upon Paper.
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I must needs own, it was by the Assistance of this Arcanum, that I, tho' other-wise impar, have adventured upon so daring an Attempt; never atchieved or undertaken before, but by a certain Author called Homer, in whom, tho' otherwise a Person not without some Abilities, and for an Ancient, of a tolerable Genius; I have discovered many gross Errors, which are not to be forgiven his very Ashes, if by chance any of them are left. For whereas, we are assured, he design'd his Work for a ** Homerus ornnes res humanas Poematis complexus est Xenoph. In Conviv.compleat Body of all Knowledge Human, Divine, Political, and Mechanick; it is manifest, he Bath wholly neglected some, and been very imperfect in the rest. For, first of all, as eminent a Cabbalist as his Disciples would represent Him, his Account of the Opus magnum is extreamly poor and deficient; he seems to have read but very superficially, either Sendivogas, Behmen, or Anthroposophia Theornagica. He is also quite mistaken about the Sphæ ra Pyroplastica, a neglect not to be atoned for; and (if the Reader will admit so severe a Censure) Vix crederem Autorem
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hunc, unquam audivisse ignis vocern. His Failings are not less prominent in several Parts of the Mechanicks. For, having read his Writings with the utmost Application usual among Modern Wits, I could never yet discover the least Direction about the Structure of that useful Instrument a Severall. For want of which, if the Moderns had not lent their Assistance, we might yet have wandred in the Dark. But I have still behind, a Fault far more notorious to tax this Author with; I mean, his gross Ignorance in the Common Laws of this Realm, and in the Doctrine as well as Discipline of the Church of England. A Defect indeed, for which both he and all the Ancients stand most justly censured by my worthy and ingenious Friend Mr. W--tt--on, Batchellor of Divinity, in his incomparable Treatise of Ancient and Modern Learning; A Book never to be sufficiently valued, whether we consider the happy Turns and Flowings of the Author's Wit, the great Usefulness of his sublime Discoveries upon the Subject of Flies and Spittle, or the laborious Eloquence of his Stile, And I cannot forbear doing that Author the Justice of my publick Acknowledgments, for the great Helps and Listings I had
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had out of his incomparable Piece, while I was penning this Treatise.
BUT, besides these Omissions in Homer. already mentioned, the curious Reader will also observe several Defects in that Author's Writings, for which he is not altogether so accountable. For whereas every Branch of Knowledge has received such wonderful Acquirements since his Age, especially within these last three Years, or thereabours; it is almost impossible, he could be so very perfect in Modern Discoveries, as his Advocates pretend. We freely acknowledge Him to be the Inventor of the Compass, of Gun-powder, and the Circulation of the Blood: But, I challenge any of his Admirers to shew me in all his Writings, a compleat Account of the Spleen; Does he not also leave us wholly to seek in the Art of Political Wagering? What can be more defective and unsatisfactory than his long Dissertation upon Tea? and as to his Method of Salivation without Mercury, so much celebrated of late, it is to my own Knowledge and Experience, a Thing very little to be relied on. IT
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IT was to supply such momentous Defects, that I have been prevailed on after long Sollicitation, to take Pen in Hand; and I dare venture to Promise, the Judicious Reader shall find nothing neglected here, that can be of Use upon any Emergency of Life. I am confident to have included and exhausted all that Human Imagination can Rise or Fall to. Particularly, I recommend to the Perusal of the Learned, certain Discoveries that are wholly untoucht by others; whereof I shall only mention among a great many more; My New help of Smatterers, or the Art of being Deep learned, and Shallow read. A curious Invention about Mouse-Traps. An Universal Rule of Reason, or Every Man his own Carver; Together with a most useful Engine for catching of Owls. All which the judicions Reader will find largely treated on, in the several Parts of this Discourse.
I hold my self obliged to give as much light as is possible, into the Beauties and Excellencies of what I am writing, because it is become the Fashion and Humor most applauded among the first Authors thors
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thors of this Polite and Learned Age, when they would correct the ill Nature of Critical, or inform the Ignorance of Courteous Readers. Besides, there have been several famous Pieces lately published both in Verse and Prose; wherein, if the Writers had not been pleas'd, out of their great Humanity and Affection to the Publick, to give us a nice Detail of the Sublime, and the Admirable they contain; it is a thousand to one, whether we should ever have discovered one Grain of either. For my own particular, I cannot deny, that whatever I have said upon this Occasion, had been more proper in a Preface, and more agreeable to the Mode, which usually directs it there. But I here think fit to lay hold on that great and honourable Privilege of being the Last Writer; I claim an absolute Authority in Right, as the freshest Modern, which gives me a Despotick Power over all Authors before me. In the Strength of which Title, I do utterly disapprove and declare against that pernicious Custom, of making the Preface a Bill of Fare to the Book. For I have always lookt upon it as a high Point of Indiscretion in Monster-mangers, and other Retailers of strange Sights; to hang out
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out a fair large Picture over the Door, drawn after the Life, with a most eloquent description underneath: This hath saved me many a Three-pence for my Curiosity was full satisfied, and I never offered to go in, tho' often invited by the urging and attending Orator, with his last moving and standing Piece of Rhetorick; Sir, Upon my Word, we are just going to begin. Such is exactly the Fate, at this Time, of Prefaces, Epistles, Advertisements, Introductions, Prolegomena's, Apparatus's, To-the-Readers's. This Expedient was admirable at first; Our great Dryden has long carried it as far as it would go, and with incredible Success. He has often said to me in Confidence, that the world would have never suspected him to be so great a Poet, if he had not assur'd them so frequently in his Prefaces, that it was impossible they could either doubt or forget it. Perhaps it may be so; However, I much fear, his Instructions have edifyd out of their Place, and taught Men to grow wiser in certain Points, where he never intended they should: For it is lamentable to behold, with what a lazy Scorn many of the yawning Readers in our Age, do now a days twirl over forty or fifty Pages
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Pages of Preface and Dedication, (which is the usual Modern Stint) as if it were so much Latin. Tho' it must be also allowed on the other Hand, that a very considerable Number is known to proceed Criticks and Wits, by reading nothing else. Into which two Factions, I think, all present Readers may justly be divided. Now, for my self, I profess to be of the former Sort; and therefore having the Modern Inclination to expatiate upon the Beauty of my own Productions, and display the bright Parts of my Discourse; I thought best to do it in the Body of the Work, where, as it now lies, it makes a very considerable Addition to the Bulk of the Volume, a Circumstance by no means to be neglected by a skilful Writer.
HAVING thus paid my due Deference and Acknowledgment to an establish'd Custom of our newest Authors, by a long Digression unsought for, and an universal Censure unprovoked; By forcing into the Light, with much Pains and Dexterity, my own Excellencies and other Mens Defaults, with great Justice to my self and Candor to them; I now happily resume my Subject, to the Infinite Satisfaction both of the Reader and the Author. SECT.
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SECT. VI.
A TALE of a TUB.
WE left Lord Peter in open Rupture with his two Brethren; both for ever discarded from his House, and resigned to the wide World, with little or nothing to trust to. Which are Circumstances that render them proper Subjects for the Charity of a Writer's Pen to work on; Scenes of Misery, ever affording the fairest Harvest for great Adventures. And in this, the World may perceive the Difference between the Integrity of a generous Author, and that of a common Friend. The latter is observed to adhere close in Prosperity, but on the Decline of Fortune, to drop suddenly off. Whereas, the generous Author, just on the contrary, finds his Hero on the Dunghil, from thence by gradual Steps, raises Him to a Throne, and then immediately withdraws, expecting not to much as Thanks for his Pains: In imitation of which Example, I have placed Lord Peter in a Noble House, given Him a Title
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Title to wear, and Money to spend. There I shall leave Him for some Time; returning where common Charity directs me, to the Assistance of his two Brothers, at their lowest Ebb. However, I shall by no means forget my Character of an Historian, to follow the Truth step by step, whatever happens, or whereever it may lead me.
THE two Exiles so nearly united in Fortune and Interest, took a Lodging together; Where, at their first Leisure, they began to reflect on the numberless Misfortunes and Vexations of their Life past, and could not tell, of the sudden, to what Failure in their Conduct they ought to impute them; when after some Recollection, they called to Mind the Copy of their Father's Will, which they had so happily recovered. This was immediately produced, and a firm Resolution taken between them, to alter whatever was already amiss, and reduce all their future Measures to the strictest Obedience prescribed therein. The main Body of the Will (as the Reader cannot easily have forgot) consisted in certain admirable Rules about the wearing of their Coats; in
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in the Perusal whereof, the two Brothers at every Period duly comparing the Doctrine with the Practice, there was never seen a wider Difference between two Things; horrible down-right Transgressions of every Point. Upon which, they both resolved without farther Delay, to fall immediately upon reducing the whole, exactly after their Father's Model.
BUT, here it is good to stop the hasty Reader, ever impatient to see the End of an Adventure, before We Writers can duly prepare him for it. I am to record, that these two Brothers began to be distinguished at this Time, by certain Names. One of them desired to be called MARTIN, and the other took the Appellation of JACK. These two had lived in much Friendship and Agreement under the Tyranny of their Brother Peter, as it is the Talent of Fellow-Sufferers to do; Men in Misfortune, being like Men in the Dark, to whom all Colours are the fame: But when they came forward into the World, and began to display themselves to each other, and to the Light, their Complexions appear'd extremely different; which the present Posture of their Affairs gave
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gave them sudden Opportunity to discover.
BUT, here the severe Reader may justly tax me as a Writer of short Memory, a Deficiency to which a true Modern cannot but of Necessity be a little subject. Because, Memory being an Employment of the Mind upon things past, is a Faculty, for which the Learned, in our Illustrious Age, have no manner of Occasion, who deal entirely with Invention, and strike all Things out of themselves, or at least, by Collision, from each other: Upon which Account we think it highly Reasonable to produce our great Forgetfulness, as an Argument unanswerable for our great Wit. I ought in Method, to have informed the Reader about fifty Pages ago, of a Facy Lord Peter took, and infused into his Brothers, to wear on their Coats whatever Trimmings came up in Fashion; never pulling off any, as they went out of the Mode, but keeping on all together; which amounted in time to a Medley, the most Antick you can possibly conceive; and this to a Degree, that upon the Time of their falling out there was hardly a Thread of the Original Coat to be
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be seen, but an infinite Quantity of Lace, and Ribbands, and Fringe, and Embroidery, and Points; (I mean, only those tagg'd with Silver, for the rest sell off.) Now, this material Circumstance, having been forgot in due Place; as good Fortune hath ordered, comes in very properly here, when the two Brothers are just going to reform their Vestures into the Primitive State, prescribed by their Father's Will.
THEY both unanimously entred upon this great Work, looking sometimes on their Coats, and sometimes on the Will. Martin laid the first Hand; at one twitch brought off a large Handful of Points, and with a second pull, stript away ten dozen Yards of Fringe. But when He had gone thus far, he demurred a while: He knew very well, there yet remained a great deal more to be done; however, the first Heat being over, his Violence began to cool, and he resolved to proceed more moderately in the rest of the Work; having already very narrowly scap'd a swinging Rent in pulling of the Points, which being tagged with Silver (as we have observed before) the judicious Work- man
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man had with much Sagacity, double sown, to preserve them from falling. Resolving therefore to rid his Coat of a huge Quantity of Gold Lace; he pick up the Stitches with much Caution, and diligently gleaned out all the loose Threads as he went, which proved to be a Work of Time. Then he fell about the embroidered Indian Figures of Men, Women and Children; against which, as you have heard in its due Place, their Father's Testament was extreamly exact and severe: These, with much Dexterity and Application, were after a while, quite eradicated, or utterly defaced. For the rest, where he observed the embroidery to be work so close, as not to be got away without damaging the Cloth, or where it served to hide or strengthned any Flaw in the Body of the Coat, contracted by the perpetual tampering of Workmen upon it; he concluded, the wisest Course was to let it remain, resolving in no Case whatsoever, that the Substance of the Stuff should suffer Injury; which he thought the best Method for serving the true Intent and Meaning of his Father's Will. And this is the nearest Account I have been able to collect, of
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Martin's Proceedings upon this great Revolution.
But his Brother Jack whose Adventures will be so extraordinary, as to furnish a great Part in the Remainder of this Discourse; entred upon the Matter with other Thoughts, and a quite different Spirit. For, the Memory of Lord Peter's Injuries, produced a Degree of Hatred and Spight, which had a much greater Share of inciting Him, that any Regards after his Father's Commands, since these appeared at best, only Secondary and Subservient to the other. However, for this Meddly of Humor, he made a Shift to find a very plausible Name, honoring it with the Title of Zeal; which is, perhaps, the most significant Word that hath been ever yet produced in any Language; As, I think, I have fully proved in my excellent Analytical Discourse upon that Subject; wherein I have deduced a Histori-theo-physi-logical Account of Zeal shewing how it first proceeded from a Notion into a Word, and from thence in a hot Summer, riped into a tangible Substance. This Work containing three large Volumes in Folio, I design very shortly to publish publish
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publish by the Modern way of Subscription, not doubting but the Nobility and Gentry of the Land will give me all possible Encouragement, having already had such a Taste of what I am able to perform.
I record therefore, that Brother Jack, brim-full of this miraculous Compound, reflecting with Indignation upon PETER'S Tyranny, and farther provoked by the Despondency of Martin; prefaced his Resolutions to this purpose. What; said he; A Rogue that lack'd up his Drink, turned away our Wives, cheated us of our Fortunes; paumed his damned Crafts upon us for Mutton; and at left last kicks us out of Doors; must we be in His Fashions with a Pox? a Rascal, besides, that all the Street cries out against. Having thus kindled and enflamed himself as high as possible, and by Consequence, in a delicate Temper for beginning a Reformation, he set about the Work immediately, and in three Minutes, made more Dispatch than Martin had done in as many Hours. For, (Courteous Reader) you are given to understand, that Zeal is never so highly obliged, as when you set it a Tearing: and Jack,
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Jack, who doated on that Quality in himself, allowed it at this Time its full Swinge. Thus it happened, that stripping down a Parcel of Gold Lace, a little too hastily, he rent the main Body of his Coat from Top to Bottom; and whereas his Talent was not of the happiest in taking up a Stitch, he knew no better way than to dern it again with Packthread and a Scewer. But the Matter was yet infinitely worse (I record it with Tears) when he proceeded to the Embroidery: For, being Clumsy by Nature, and of Temper, Impatient; withal, beholding Millions of Stitches, that required the nicest Hand, and sedatest Constitution, to extricate; in a great Rage, he tore off the whole Piece, Cloth and all, and flung it into the Kennel, and furiously thus continuing his Career; Ah, Good Brother Martin, said he, do as I do, for the Love of God; Strip, Tear, Pull, Rent, Flay off all, that we may appear as unlike that Rogue Peter, as it is possible: I would not for a hundred Pounds carry the least Mark about me, that might give Occasion to the Neigbours, of suspecting I was related to such a Rascal. But Martin, who at this Time happened to be extremely flegmatick and sedate, begged his Brother
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of all Love, not to damage his Coat by any Means; for he never would get such another: Desired him to consider, that it was not their Business to form their Actions by any Reflection upon Peter's, but by observing the Rules prescribed in their Father's Will That he should remember, Peter was still their Brother, whatever Faults or Injuries he had committed; and therefore they should by all means avoid such a Thought, as that of taking Measures for Good and Evil, from no other Rule, than of Opposition to him. That it was true, the Testament of their good Father was very exact in what related to the wearing of their Coats; yet was it no less penal and strict in prescribing Agreement, and Friendship, and Affection between them. And therefore, if straining a Point were at all dispensable, it would certainly be so, rather to the Advance of Unity, than Increase of Contradiction.
Martin had still proceeded as gravely as he began; and doubtless, would have delivered an admirable Lecture of Morality, which might have exceedingly contributed to my Reader's Repose, both of Body and Mind: (the true ultimate End of Ethicks;) But Jack was already gone
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gone a Flight-shot beyond his Patience. And as in Scholastick Disputes, nothing serves to rouze the Spleen of him that Opposes, so much as a kind of Pedantick affected Calmness in the Respondent; Disputants being for the most part like unequal Scales, where the Gravity of one Side advances the Lightness of the Other, and causes it to fly up and kick the Beam; So it happened here, that the Weight of Martin's Arguments exalted Jack's. Levity, and made him fly out and spurn against his Brother's Moderation. In short, Martin's Patience put Jack in a Rage; but that which most afflicted him was, to observe his Brother's Coat so well reduced into the State of Innocence; while his own was either wholly rent to his Shirt; or those Places which had scaped his cruel Clutches, were still in Peter's Livery. So that he looked like a drunken Beau, half rifled by Bullies; Or like a fresh Tenant of Newgate, when he has refused the Payment of Garnish; Or like a discovered Shoplifter, left to the Mercy of Exchange-Women; Or like a Bawd in her old Velvet Petticoat, resigned into the secular Hands of the Mobile. Like any, or like all of these, a Meddley
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Meddley of Rags, and Lace, and Rents, and Fringes, unfortunate Jack did now appear: He would have been extreamly glad to see his Coat in the Condition of Martin's but infinitely gladder to find that of Martin's in the same Predicament with his However, since neither of these was likely to come to pass, he thought fit to lend the whole Business another Turn, and to dress up Necessity into a Virtue. Therefore, after as many of the Fox's Arguments, as he could muster up, for bringing Martin to Reason, as he called it; or, as he meant it, into his own ragged, bobtail'd Condition; and observing he said all to little purpose; what, alas, was left for the forlorn Jack to do, but after a Million of Scurrilities against his Brother, to run mad with Spleen, and Spight, and Contradiction. To be short, here began a mortal Breach between these two. Jack went immediately to New Lodgings, and in a few Days it was for certain reported, that he had run out of his Wits. In a short time after, he appeared abroad, and confirmed the Report, by falling into the oddest Whimsies that ever a sick Brain conceived. AND
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And now the little Boys in the Streets began to salute him with several Names. Sometimes they would call Him, Jack the Bald; sometimes, Jack with a Lanthorn; sometimes, Dutch Jack; sometimes, French Hugh; sometimes, Tom the Beggar; and sometimes, Knocking Jack of the North. And it was under one or some, or all of these Appellations (which I leave the Learned Reader to determine) that he hath given Rise to the most Illustrious and Epidemick Sect of Æolists, who with honourable Commemoration, do still acknowledge the Renowned JACK for their Author and Founder. Of whose Originals, as well as Principles, I am now advancing to gratify the World with a very particular Account. SECT
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—Mellæo contingens cuncta Lepore.
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SECT. VII.
A Digression in Praise of Digressions.
I
Have sometimes heard of an Iliad in a Nut-shell; but it hath been my Fortune to have much oftner seen a Nutshell in a Iliad. There is no doubt, that Human Life has received most wonderful Advantages from both; but to which of the two the World is chiefly indebted, I shall leave among the Curious, as a Problem worthy of their utmost Enquiry. For the Invention of the latter, I think the Commonwealth of Learning is chiefly obliged to the great Modern Improvement of Digressions: The late Refinements in Knowledge, running parallel to those of Dyet in our Nation, which among Men of a judicious Taste, are drest up in various Compounds, consisting in Soups and Ollio's, Fricassees and Ragousts.
Tis true, there is a sort of morose, detracting, ill-bred People, who pretend utterly to disrelish these police Innovations: And as to the Similitude from Dyet,
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Dyet, they allow the Parallel, but are so bold to pronounce the Example itself, a Corruption and Degeneracy of Taste. They tell us, that the Fashion of jumbling fifty Things together in a Dish, was at first introduced in Compliance to a depraved and debauched Appetite, as well as to a crazy Constitution; And to see a Man hunting thro' an Ollio, after the Head and Brains of a Goose, a Wigeon, or a Woodcock, is a Sign, he wants a Stomach and Digestion for more substantial Victuals. Farther, they affirm, that Digressions in a Book, are like Forein Troops in a State, which argue the Nation to want a Heart and Hands of its own, and often, either subdue the Natives, or drive them into the most unfruitful Corners.
But, after all that can be objected by these supercilious Censors; 'tis manilest, the Society of Writers would quickly be reduced to a very inconsiderable Number, if Men were put upon making Books, with the fatal Confinement of delivering nothing beyond what is to the Purpose. 'Tis acknowledged, that were the Case the same among Us, as with the Greeks and Romans, when Learning was
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was in its Cradle, to be reared and fed, and cloathed by Invention; it would be an easy Task to fill up Volumes upon particular Occasions, without father exspatiating from the Subject, than by moderate Excursions, helping to advance or clear the main Design. But with Knowledge, it has fared as with a numerous Army, encamped in a fruitful Country; which for a few Days maintains it fell by the Product of the Soy! it is on; Till Provisions being spent, they send to forrage many a Mile, among Friends or Enemies it matters not. Mean while, the neighbouring Fields trampled and beaten down, become barren and dry, affording no Sustenance but Clouds of Dust.
The whole Course of Things being thus entirely changed between Vs and the Antients: and the Moderns wisely sensible of it, we of this Age have discovered a shorter, and more prudent Method, to become Scholars and Wits, without the Fatigue of Reading or of Thinking. The most accomplisht Way of using Books at present, is twofold: Either first, to serve them as some Men do
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do Lords, learn their Titles exactly, and then brag of their Acquaintance. Or Secondly, which is indeed the choicer, the profounder, and politer Method, to get a thorough Insight into the Index, by which the whole Book is governed and turned, like Fishes by the Tail. For, to enter the Palace of Learning at the great Gate, requires an Expence of Time and Forms; therefore Men of much Haste and little Ceremony, are content to get in by the Back-Door. For, the Arts are all in a flying March, and therefore more easily subdued by attacking them in the Rear. Thus Physicians discover the State of the whole Body, by consulting only what comes from Behind. Thus Men catch Knowledge by throwing their Wit on the Posteriors of a Book, as Boys do Sparrows with slinging Salt upon their Tails. Thus Human Life is best understood by the wise man's Rule of Regarding the End. Thus are the Sciences found like Hercules's Oxen, by tracing them Backwards. Thus are old Sciences unravelled like old Stockings, by beginning at the Foot.
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Besides all this, the Army of the Sciences hath been of late with a world of Martial Discipline, drawn into its close Order, so that a View, or a Muster may be taken of it with abundance of Expedition. For this great Blessing we are wholly indebted to Systems and Abstracts, in which the Modern Fathers of Learning, like prudent Usurers, spent their Sweat for the Ease of Us Their Children. For Labor is the Seed of Idleness, and it is the peculiar Happiness of our Noble Age to gather the Fruit.
Now the Method of growing Wise, Learned, and Sublime, having become so regular an Affair, and so established in all its Forms; the Numbers of Writers must needs have encreased accordingly, and to a Pitch that has made it of absolute Necessity for them to interfere continually with each other. Besides, it is reckoned, that there is not at this present, a sufficient Quantity of new Matter left in Nature, to furnish and adorn any one particular Subject to the Extent of a Volume. This I am told by a very skillful Computer, who hath given a full
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a full Demonstration of it from Rules of Arithmetick.
This, pehaps, may be objected against, by those, who maintain the Infinity of Matter, and therefore, will not allow that any Species of it can be exhausted. For Answer to which, let us examine the noblest Branch of Modern Wit or Invention, planted and cultivated by the present Age, and, which of all others, hath born the most, and the fairest Fruit. For tho' some Remains of it were left us by the Antients, yet have not any of those, as I remember, been translated or complied into Systems for Modern Use. Therefore We may affirm, to our own Honor, that it has in some fort, been both invented, and brought to a Perfection by the same Hands. What I mean, is that highly celebrated Talent among the Modern Wits, of deducing Similitudes, Allusions, and Applications, very Surprizing, Agreeable, and Apposite, from the Genitals of either Sex, together with their proper Uses. And truly, having observed how little Invention bears any Vogue, besides what is derived into these Channels, I have sometimes had a Thought, That the happy Genius
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Genius of our Age and Country, was prophetically held forth by that antient ** Ctesiæ Fragm. apud Photum.typical Description of the Indian Pygmies; whose Stature did not exceed above two Foot; Sed querum pudenda crassa, & ad talos usque pertingentia. Now, I have been very curious to inspect the late Productions, wherein the Beauties of this kind have most prominently appeared. And altho' this Vein hath bled so freely, and all Endeavours have been used in the Power of Human Breath, to dilate, extend, and and keep it open: Like the Scythians, † † Herodot. L.4.
who had a Custom, and an Instrument, to blow up the Privities of their Mares, that they might yield the more Milk; Yet I am under an Apprehension, it is near growing dry, and past all Recovery; And that either some new Fonde of Wit should, if possible, be provided, or else that we must e'en be content with Repetition here, as well as upon all other Occasions.
This will stand as an uncontestable Argument, that our Modern Wits are not to reckon upon the Infinity of Matter, for a constant Supply. What remains therefore
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therefore, but that our last Recourse must be had to large Indexes, and little Compendiums; Quotations must be plentifully gathered, and bookt in Alphabet; To this End, tho' Authors need be little consulted, yet Criticks, and Commentators, and Lexicons carefully must. But above all, those judicious Collectors of bright Parts, and Flowers, and Observanda's are to be nicely dwelt on; by some called the Sieves and Boulters of Learning; tho' it is left undetermined, whether they dealt in Pearls or Meal; and consequently, whether we are more to value that which passed thro', or what staid behind.
By these Methods, in a few Weeks, there starts up many a Writer, capable of managing the profoundest, and most universal Subjects. For, what though his Head be empty, provided his Common place-Book be full; And if you will bate him but the Circumstances of Method, and Style, and Grammar, and Invention; allow him but the common Priviledges of transcribing from others, and digressing from himself, as often as he shall see Occasion; He will desire no more Ingredients towards sitting up a Treatise, that shall make
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make a very comely Figure on a Bookseller's Shelf, there to be preserved neat and clean, for a long Eternity, adorn'd with the Heraldry of its Title, fairly in scribed on a Label; never to be thumb'd or greas'd by Students, not bound to everlasting Chains of Darkness in a Library: But when the Fulness of time is come, shall happily undergo the Tryal of Purgatory, in order to ascend the Sky.
Without these Allowances, how is it possible, we Modern Wits should ever have an Opportunity to introduce our Collections listed under so many thousand Heads of a different Nature? for want of which, the Learned World would be deprived of infinite Delight, as well as Instruction, and we our selves buried beyond Redress in an inglorious and undistinguisht Oblivion.
From such Elements as these, I am alive to behold the Day, wherein the Corporation of Authors can out-vie all its Brethren in the Field. A Happiness derived to us with a great many others, from our Scythian Ancestors; among whom, the Number of Pens was so in- finite,
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finite, that the * * Herodot. L.4.
GrecianEloquence had no other way of expressing it, than by saying, That in the Regions, far to the North, it was hardly possible for a Man to travel, the very Air was so replete with Feathers.
THE Necessity of this Digression, will easily excuse the Length; and I have chosen for it as proper a Place as I could readily find. If the judicious Reader can assign a sitter, I do here empower him to remove it into any other Corner he pleases. And so I return with great Alacrity to pursue a more important Concern. SECT
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SECT. VIII.
ATALE of a TUB.
THE Learned Æolists, maintain the Original Cause of all Things to be Wind, from which Principle this whole Universe was at first produced, and into which it must at last be resolved; that the same Breath which had kindled, and blew up the Fiame of Nature, should one Day blow it out.
Quod procul à nobis flectat Fortuna gu-
bernans.
THIS is what the Adepti understand by their Anima Mundi; that is to say, the Spirit, or Breath, or Wind of the World: Or Examine the whole System by the Particulars of Nature, and you will find it not to be disputed. For, whether you please to call the Forma informans of Mau, by the Name of Spiritus, Animus, Afflatus, or Anima; what are all these, but several Appellations for Wind? which is the ruling Element in every Compound, and into
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into which they all resolve upon their Corruption. Farther, what is, Life it self, but as it is commonly called, the Breath of our Nostrils? Whence it is very justly observed by Naturalists, that Wind still continues of great Emolument in certain Mysteries not to be named, giving Occasion for those happy Epithers of Turgidus, and Inflatus, apply'd either to the Emittent, or Recipient Organs.
BY what I have gathered out of antient Records, I find, the Compass of their Doctrine took into two and thirty Points; wherein it would be tedious to be very particular. However, a few of their most important Precepts, deducible from it, are by no means to be omitted; among which the following Maxim was of much Weight; That since Wind had the Master Share, as well as Operation in every Compound, by Consequence, those Beings must be of chief Excellence, wherein that Primordium appears most prominently to a bound; and therefore, Man is in highest Perfection of all created Things, as having by the great Bounty of Philosophers, been endued with three distinct Anima's or Winds, to which the Sage Æolists, with much
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much Liberality, have added a fourth, of equal Necessity, as well as Ornament with the other three; by this quartum Principium, taking in the four Corners of the world. Which gave Occasion to that Renowned Cabbalist, Bumbastus, of placing the Body of Man, in due position to the four Cardinal Points.
IN Consequence of this, their next Principle was, that, Man brings with him into the World a peculiar Portion, or Grain of Wind, which may be called a Quinta essentia, extracted from the other four. This Quintessence is of Catholick Use upon all Emergencies of Life, is improveable into all Arts and Sciences, and may be wonderfully refined, as well as enlarged by certain Methods in Education. This, when blown up to its Perfection, ought not to be covertously hoarded up, stifled, or hid under a Bushel, but freely Communicated to Mankind. Upon these Reasons, and others of equal Weight, the Wise Æolists, affirm the Gift of BELCHING, to be the noblest Act of a Rational Creature. To cultivate which Art, and render it more serviceable to Mankind, they made Use of several Methods. At certain Sea-sons
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sons of the Year, you might behold the Priests amongst them in vast Numbers, with their Mouths gaping wide against a Storm. At other times were to be seen several Hundreds link'd together in a circular Chain, with every Man a Pair of Bellows applied to his Neighbour's Breech, by which they blew up each other to the Shape and Size of a Tun; and for that Reason, with great Propriety of Speech, did usually call their Bodies, their Vessels. When, by these and the like Performances, they were grown sufficiently replete, they would immediately depart, and disembogue for the Publick Good, a plentiful Share of their Acquirements into their Disciples Chaps. For we must here observe, that all Learning was esteemed among them, to be compounded from the same Principle. Because, First, it is generally affirmed, or confess'd, that Learning puffeth Men up: And Secondly, they proved it by the following Syllogism; Words are but Wind; and Learning is nothing but Words; Ergo, Learning is nothing but Wind. For this Reason, the Philosophers among them, did in their Schools, deliver to their Pupils, all their Doctrines and Opinons by Eructation, wherein they had acquired
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acquired a wonderful Eloquence, and of incredible Variety. But the great Characteristick, by which their chief Sages were best distinguished, was a certain Position of Countenance, which gave undoubted Intelligence to what Degree of Proportion, the Spirit agitated the inward Mass. For, after certain Gripings, the Wind and Vapours issuing forth; having first by their Turbulence and Convulsions within, caused an Earthquake in Man's little World; distorted the Mouth, bloated the Cheeks, and gave the Eyes a terrible kind of Relievo. At which Junctures, all their Belches were received for Sacred, the Sourer the better, and swallowed with infinite Consolation by their meager Devotees. And to render these yet more compleat, because the Breath of Man's Life is in his Nostrils, therefore, the choicest, most edifying, and most enlivening Belches, were very wisely conveyed thro' that Vehicle, to give them a Tincture as they passed.
THEIR Gods were the four Winds, whom they worshipped, as the Spirits that pervade and enliven the Universe, and as those from whom alone all Inspiration can properly
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properly be said to proceed. However, the Chief of these, to whom they performed the Adoration of Latria, was the Almighty North. An Antient Deity, whom the Inhabitants of Megalopolis in Greece, had likewise in highest Reverence. ** Pausan. L. 3.
Omnium deorum Boream maxime celebrant. This God, tho' endued with Ubiquity, was yet supposed by the profounder Æolists, to possess one peculiar Habitation, or (to speak in Form) a Cælum Empyraum, wherein he was more intimately present. This was situated in a certain Region, well known to the Antient Greeks, by them called, Σκοτια, or the Land of Darkness. And altho' many Controversies have arisen upon that Matter; yet so much is undisputed, that from a Region of the like Denomination, the most refined Æolists have borrowed their Original, from whence, in every Age, the zealous among their Priesthood, have brought over their choisest Inspiration, fetching it with their own Hands, from the Fountain Head, in certain Bladders, and disploding it among the Sectaries in all Nations, who did, and do, and ever will, daily Gasp and Pant after it. NOW,
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NOW, their Mysteries and Rites were performed in this Manner. 'Tis well known among the Learned, that the Virtuoso's of former Ages, had a Contrivance for carrying and preserving Winds in Casks or Barrels, which was of great Assistance upon long Sea Voyages; and the Loss of so useful an Art at present, is very much to be lamented, tho' I know not how, with great Negligence omitted by Pancirollus. It was an invention ascribed to Æolus himself, from whom this Sect is denominated, and who in Honour of their Founder's Memory, have to this Day preserved great Numbers of those Barrels, whereof they fix one in each of their Temples, first beating out the Top. Into this Barrel, upon Solemn Days, the Priest enters; where, having before duly prepared himself by the Methods already described, a secret Funnel is also convey'd from his Posteriors, to the Bottom of the Barrel, which admits new Supplies of Inspiration from a Northern Chink or Crany. Whereupon, You behold him swell immediately to the Shape and Size of his Vessel. In this Posture he disembogues whole Tempests upon his Auditory, as the
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the Spirit from beneath gives him Utterance; which issuing ex adytis, and penetralibus, is not performed without much Pain and Gripings. And the Wind in breaking forth, deals with his Face, as it does with that of the Sea; first blackning, then wrinkling, and at last, bursting it into a Foam. It is in this Guise, the Sacred Æolist delivers his oracular Belches to his panting Disciples; Of whom, some are greedily gaping after the sanctified Breath; others are all the while hymning out the Praises of the Winds; and gently wasted to and fro by their own Humming, do thus represent the soft Breezes of their Deities appeased.
IT is from this Custom of the Priests, that some Authors maintain these Æolists, to have been very antient in the World. Because, the Delivery of their Mysteries, which I have just now mention'd, appears exactly the same with that of other Antient Oracles, whose Inspirations were owing to certain subterraneous Effluviums of Wind, delivered with the same Pain to the Priest, and much about the same Influence on the People. It is true indeed, that these were frequently managed and directed
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directed by Female Officers, whose Organs were understood to be better disposed for the Admission of those Oracular Gusts, as entring and passing up thro' a Receptacle of greater Capacity, and causing also a Pruriency by the Way, such as with due Management, hath been refined from Carnal, into a Spiritual Extasle. And to strengthen this profound Conjecture, it is further insisted, that this Custom of Female Priests is kept up still in certain refined Colleges of our Modern Æolists, who are agreed to receive their Inspiration, derived thro' the Receptacle aforesaid, like their Ancestors, the Sibyls.
AND, whereas the mind of Man, when he gives the Spur and Bridle to his Thoughts, doth never stop, but naturally fallies out into both exteams of High and Low, of Good and Evil; His first Flight of Fancy, commonly transports Him to Idea's of what is most Perfect, finished, and exalted; till having soared out of his own Reach and Sight, not well perceiving how near the Frontiers of Height and Depth, border upon each other; With the same Course and Wing, he falls down plum into the lowest Bottom of Things; like one who travels the East into the West;
or
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or like a strait Line drawn by its own Length into a Circle. Whether a Tincture of Malice in our Natures, makes us fond of furnishing every bright Idea with its Reverse; Or, whether Reason reflecting upon the Sum of Things, can, like the Sun, serve only to enlighten one half of the Globe, leaving the other half, by Necessity, under Shade and Darkness: Or, whether Fancy, flying up to the Imagination of what is Highest and Best, becomes over-short, and spent, and weary, and suddenly falls like a dead Bird of Paradise, to the Ground. Or, whether after all these Metaphysical Conjectures, I have not entirely missed the true Reason; The Proposition, however, which hath stood me in so much Circumstance, is altogether true; That, as the most unciviliz'd Parts of Mankind, have some way or other, climbed up into the Conception of a God, or Supream Power, so they have seldom forgot to provide their Fears with certain ghastly Notions, which instead of better, have served them pretty tolerably for a Devil. And this Proceeding seems to be natural enough; For it is with Men, whose Imaginations are lifted up very high, after the same Rate, as with those, whose
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whose Bodies are so; that, as they are delighted with the Advantage of a nearer Contemplation upwards, so they are equally terrified with the dismal Prospect of the Precipice below. Thus, in the Choice of a Devil, it hath been the usual Method of Mankind, to single out some Being, either in Act, or in Vision, which was in most Antipathy to the God they had framed. Thus also the Sect of Æolists, possessed themselves with a Dread, and Horror, and Hatred of two Malignant Natures, betwixt whom, and the Deities they adored, perpetual Enmity was established. The first of these, was the Camelion sworn Foe to Inspiration, who in Scorn, devoured large Influences of their God, without refunding the smallest Blast by Eructation. The other was a huge terrible Monster, called Moulinavent, who with four strong Arms, waged eternal Battel with all their Divinities, dextrously turning to avoid their Blows, and repay them with Interest.
THUS furnisht, and set out with Gods, as well as Devils, was the renowned Sect of Æolists; which makes at this Day so illustrious a Figure in the World, and whereof
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whereof, that Polite Nation of Laplanders, are beyond all Doubt, a most Authentick Branch; Of whom, I therefore cannot, without Injustice, here omit to make honourable Mention; since they appear to be so closely allied in Point of Interest, as well as Inclinations, with their Brother Æolists among Us, as not only to buy their Winds by wholesale from the same Merchants, but also to retail them after the same Rate and Method, and to Customers much alike.
NOW, whether the System here delivered, was wholly compiled by Jack, or, as some Writers believe, rather copied from the Original at Delphos, with certain Additions and Emendations suited to Times and Circumstances, I shall not absolutely determine. This I may affirm, that Jack gave it at least a new Turn, and formed it into the same Dress and Model, as it lies deduced by me.
I have long sought after this Opportunity, of doing Justice to a Society of Men, for whom I have a peculiar Ho- nour,
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nor, and whose Opinions, as well as Practices, have been extremely misrepresented, and traduced by the Malice or Ignorance of their Adversaries. For, I think it one of the greatest, and best of humane Actions, to remove Prejudices, and place Things in their truest and fairest Light; which I therefore boldly undertake without any Regards of my own, beside the Conscience, the Honour, and the Thanks.
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SECT. IX.
A Digression concerning the Original, the Use and Improvement of Madness in a Common wealth.
NOR shall it any ways detract from the just Reputation of this famous Sect, that its Rise and Institution are owing to such an Author as I have described Jack to be ; A Person whose Intellectuals were overturned and his Brain shaken out of his Natural Position; which we commonly suppose to be a Distemper, and call by the Name of Madness or Phrenzy. For, if we take a Survey of the greatest Actions that have been performed in the World, under the Influence of Single Men; which are, The Establishment of New Empires by Conquest; The Advance and Progress of New Schemes in Philosophy; and the contriving, as well as the propagating of New Religions. We shall find the Authors of them all, to have been Persons, whose natural Reason hath admitted great Revolutions from their Dyet, their Education, the Pre-valency
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valency of some certain Temper, together with the particular Influence of Air and Climate. Besides, there is something Individual in human Minds, that easily kindles at the accidental Approach and Collision of certain Circumstances, which tho' of paltry and mean Appearance, do often flame out into the greatest Emergencies of Life. For, great Turns are not always given by strong Hands, but by lucky Adaption, and at proper Seasons; and it is of no import, where the Fire was kindled, if the Vapor has once got up into the Brain. For, the upper Region of Man, is furnished like the middle Region of the Air; The Materials are formed from Causes of the widest Difference, yet produce at last the same Substance and Effect. Mists arise from the Earth, Steams from Dunghils, Exhalations from the Sea, and Smoak from Fire; yet all Clouds are the same in Composition, as well as Consequences: and the Fumes issuing from a Jakes, will furnish as comely and useful a Vapor, as Incense from an Altar. Thus far, I suppose, will easily be granted me: And then it will follow; that as the Face of Nature never produces Rain, but when it is overcast and disturbed; so Human Under-
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Understanding, seated in the Brain, must be troubled and overspread by Vapours, ascending from the lower Faculties, to water the Invention, and render it fruitful. Now, altho' these Vapours (as it bath been already said) are of as various Original, as those of the Skies, yet the Crop they produce, differs both in Kind and Degree, meerly according to the Soil. I will produce two Instances to prove and Explain what I am now advancing.
A certain Great Prince raised a mighty Army, filled his Coffers with infinite Treasures, provided an invincible Fleet; and all this, without giving the least Part of his Design to his greatest Ministers, or his nearest Favourites. Immediately the whole World was alarmed; the neighbouring Crowns, in trembling Expectation, towards what Point the Storm would burst; the small Politicians, every where forming profound Conjectures. Some believed he had laid a Scheme for Universal Monarchy: Others, after much Insight, determined the Matter to be a Project for pulling down the Pope, and setting up the Reformed Religion, which had once been his own. Some, again, of a deeper Sagacity, sent him into Asia
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Asia to subdue the Turk, and recover Palestine. In the midst of all these Projects and Preparations; a certain State-Surgeon, gathering the Nature of the Disease by these Symptoms, attempted the Cure, at one Blow performed the Operation, broke the Bag, and out flew the Vapour; nor did any thing want to render it a compleat Remedy, only, that the Prince unfortunately happened to Die in the Performance. Now, is the Reader exceeding curious to learn, from whence this Vapour took its Rise, which had so long set the Nations at a Gaze? What secret Wheel, what hidden Spring could put into Motion so wonderful an Engine? It was afterwards discovered, that the Movement of this whole Machine had been directed by an absent Female, whose Eyes had raised a Protuberancy, and before Emission, She was removed into an Enemy's Country. What should an unhappy Prince do in such ticklish Circumstances as these? He tried in vain the Poet's never-failing Receipt of Corpora quœque; For,
Idque petit corpus mens unde est saucia amore;
Unde feritur, eo tendit, gestitq; coire. Lucr.
HAVING
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HAVING to no purpose used all peaceable Endeavors, he collected part of the Semen, raised and enflamed, became adust, converted to Choler, turned head upon the spinal Duct, and ascended to the Brain. The very same Principle that influences a Bully to break the Windows of a Whore, who has jilted him, naturally stirs up a Great Prince to raise mighty Armies, and dream of nothing but Sieges, Battles, and Victories.
—Cunnus teterrimi belli
Causa— —
THE other Instance is, what I have read somewhere, in a very antient Author, of a Mighty King, who for the space of above thirty Years, amused himself to take and loose Towns; beat Armies, and be beaten; drive Princes out of their Dominions; fright Children from their Bread and Butter; burn, lay waste, plunder, dragoon, massacre, Subject and Stranger, Friend and Foe, Male and Female. 'Tis recorded, that the Philosophers of each Country were in grave Dispute, upon Causes Natural, Moral, and Poli-tical,
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tical to find out where they should assign an original Solution of this Phænomenon. At last the Vapor or Spirit, which animated the Hero's Brain, being in perpetual Circulation, seized upon that Region of Human Body, so renown'd for furnishing the Zibeta Occidentalis, and gathering there into a Tumor, lest the rest to the World for that Time in Peace. Of such mighty Consequence it is, where those Exhalations fix; and of so little, from whence they proceed. The same Spirits which in their superior Progress would conquer a Kingdom, descending upon the Anus, conclude in a Fistula.
LET us next examine the great Introducers of new Schemes in Philosophy, and search till we can find, from what Faculty of the Soul the Disposition arises in mortal Man, of taking it into his Head, to advance new Systems with such an eager Zeal, in Things a greed on all hands impossible to be known : from what Seeds this Disposition springs, and to what Quality of human Nature these Grand Innovator have been indebted for their Number of Disciples. Recause, it is plain, that several of
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the chief among them, both Antient and Modern, were usually mistaken by their Adversaries, and indeed, by all, except their own Followers, to have been Persons crazed, or out of their Wits, having generally proceeded in the common Course of their Words and Actions, by a Method very different from the vulgar Dictates of unrefined Reason: agreeing for the most Part in their several Models, with their present undoubted Successors in the Academy of Modern Bedlam (whose Merits and Principles I shall further examine in due Place.) Of this Kind were Epicurus, Diogenes, Apollonius, Lucritius, Paracelsus, Des Cartes, and others; who, if they were now in the World, tied fast, and separate from their Followers, would in this our undistinguishing Age, incur manifest Danger of Phlebotomy, and Whips, and Chains, and dark Chambers, and Straw. For, what Man in the natural State, or Course of Thinking, did ever conceive it in his Power, to reduce the Notions of all Manking, exactly to the same Length, and Breadth, and Heighth of his own? Yet this is the first humble and civil Design of all innovators in the Empire of Reason. Epicurus,
modestly
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modestly hoped, that one Time or other, a certain Fortuitous Concourse of all Mens Opinions, after perpetual Justlings, the Sharp with the Smooth, the Light and the Heavy, the Round and the Square, would by certain Clinamina, unite in the Notions of Atoms and Void, as these did in the Originals of all Things. Cartesius reckoned to see before he died, the Sentiments of all Philosophers, like so many lesser Stars in his Romantick System, rapt and drawn within his own Vortex. Now, I would gladly be informed, how it is possible to account for such Imaginations as these in particular Men, without Recourse to my Phænomenon of Vapors, ascending from the lower Faculties to over-shadow the Brain, and their distilling into Conceptions, for which the Narrowness of our Mother-Tongue has not yet assigned any other Name, besides that of Madness or Phrenzy. Let us therefore now conjecture how it comes to pass, that none of these great Prescribers, do ever fail providing themselves and their Notions, with a Number of implicite Disciples. And, I think, the Reason is easie to be assigned: For, there is a peculiar String in the Harmony of Human Understanding, which in several
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several individuals is exactly of the same Tuning. This, if you can dexterously screw up to its right Key, and then strike gently upon it; Whenever you have the Good Fortune to light among those of the same Pitch, they will by a secret necessary Sympathy, strike exactly at the same Time. And in this one Circumstance, lies all the Skill or Luck of the Matter; for if you chance to jar the String among those who are either above or below your own Height, instead of subscribing to your Doctrine, they will tie you fast, call you Mad, and feed you with Bread and Water. It is therefore a Point of the nicest Conduct to distinguish and adapt this noble Talent, with respect to the Differences of Persons and of Times. Cicero understood this very well, when writing to a Friend in England, with a Caution, among other Matters, to beware of being cheated by our Hackney-Coachmen (who, it seems, in those Days, were as arrant Rascals as they are now) has these remarkable Words. ** Epist, ad. Fam. Trebatto.
Est quod gaudeas te in ista loca venisse, ubi aliquid sapere viderere. For, to speak a bold Truth, it is a fatal Miscarriage, so ill to order Affairs, as to pus for
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for a Fool in one Company, when in another you might be treated as a Philosopher. Which I desire some certain Gentlemen of my Acquaintance, to lay up in their Hearts, as a very seasonable Innuendo.
THIS, indeed, was the Fatal Mistake of that worthy Gentleman, my most ingenious Friend, Mr. W-tt--on: A Person, in appearance ordain'd for great Designs, as well as Performances; whether you will consider his Notions or his Looks. Surely, no Man ever advanced into the Publick, with fitter Qualifications of Body and Mind, for the Propagation of a new Religion. Oh, had those happy Talents misapplied to vain Philosophy, been turned into their proper Channels of Dreams and Visions, where Distortion of Mind and Countenance, are of such Sovereign Use; the base detracting World would not then have dared to report, that something is amiss, that his Brain hath undergone an unlucky Shake; which even his Brother Modernists themselves, like Ungrates, do whisper so loud, that it reaches up to the very Garret I am now writing in. LASTLY,
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LASTLY, Whosoever pleases to look into the Fountains of Enthusiasm, from whence, in all Ages, have eternally proceeded such satning Streams, will find the Spring Head to have been as troubled and muddy as the Current; Of such great Emolument, is a Tincture of this Vapor, which the World calls Madness, that without its Help, the World would not only be deprived of those two great Blessings, Conquests and Systems, but even all Mankind would unhappily be reduced to the same Belief in Things Invisible. Now, the former Postulatum being held, that it is of no Import, from what Originals this Vapor proceeds, but either in what Angles it strikes and spreads over the Understanding, or upon what Species of Brain it ascends; It will be a very delicate Point, to cut the Feather, and divide the several Reasons to a nice and Curious Reader, how this numerical Difference in the Brain, can produce Effects of so vast a Difference from the same Vapor, as to be the sole Point of Individuation between Alexander the Great, Jack of Leyden, and Monsieur Des Cartes. The present Argument is the most abstracted that ever I engaged
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engaged in, it strains my Faculties to their highest Stretch; and I desire the Reader to attend with utmost Perpensity; For, I now proceed to unravel this knotty Point.
There is in Mankind a certain * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
Hic multa desiderantur.
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * And this I take to bea clear Solution of the Matter.
HAVING therefore so narrowly past thro' this intricate Difficulty, the Reader will, I am sure, agree with me in the Conclusion; that if the Moderns mean by Madness, only a Disturbance or Transposition of the Brain, by Force of certain Vapors issuing up from the lower Faculties; Then has this Madness been the Parent of all those mighty Revolutions, that have happened in Empire, in Philosophy, and in Religion. For, the Brain, in its natural Position and State of Serenity, disposeth its Owner to pass his Life in the common Forms, without any Thought of subduing
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subduing Multitudes to his own Power, his Reasons or his Visions; and the more he shapes his Understanding by the Pattern of Human Learning, the less he is inclined to form Parties after his particular Nations; because that instructs him in his private Infirmities, as well as in the stubborn Ignorance of the People. But when a Man's Fancy gets astride on his Reason, when Imagination is at Cuffs with the Senses, and common Understanding, as well as common Sense, is kickt out of Doors; the first Proselyte he makes, is Himself, and when that is once compass'd, the Difficulty is not so great in bringing over others; A strong Delusion always operating from without, as vigorously as from within. For, Cant and Vision are to the Ear and the Eye, the same that Tickling is to the Touch. Those Entertainments and Pleasures we most value in Life, are such as Dupe and play the Wag with the Senses. For, if we take an Examination of what is generally understood by Happiness, as it has Respect, either to the Understanding or the Senses, we shall find all its Properties and Adjuncts, will herd under this short Definition: That, it is a perpetual Possession of being well
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Deceived. And first, with Relation to the Mind or Understanding; 'tis manifest, what mighty Advantages Fiction has over Truth; and the Reason is just at our Elbow; because Imagination can build nobler Scenes, and produce more wonderful Revolutions than Fortune or Nature will be at Expence to furnish. Nor is Mankind so much to blame in his Choice, thus determining him, if we consider that the Debate meerly lies between Things past, and Things conceived; and so the Question is only this; Whether Things that have Place in the Imagination, may not as properly be said to Exist, as those that are seated in the Memory; which may be justly held in the Affirmative, and very much to the Advantage of the former, since This is acknowledged to be the Womb of Things, and the other allowed to be no more than the Grave. Again, if we take this Definition of Happiness, and examine it with Reference to the Senses, it will be acknowledged wonderfully adapt. How fading and insipid do all Objects accost us that are not convey'd in the Vehicle of Delusion? How shrunk is every Thing, as it appears in the Glass of Nature? so, that if it were not for the Assistance of Artifi- cial
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cial Mediums, false Lights, refracted Angles, Varnish, and Tintel; there would be a mighty Level in the Felicity and Enjoyments of Mortal Men. If this were seriously considered by the World, as I have a certain Reason to suspect it hardly will; Men would no longer reckon among their high Points of Wisdom, the Art of exposing weak Sides, and publishing Infirmities; an Employment in my Opinion, neither better nor worse than that of Unmasking, which I think, has never been allowed fair Usage, either in the World or the Play-house.
IN the Proportion that Credulity is a more peaceful Possession of the Mind, than Curiosity, so far preferable is that Wisdom, which converses about the Surface, to that pretended Philosophy which enters into the Depth of Things, and then comes gravely back with Informations and Discoveries, that in the inside they are good for nothing. The two Senses, to which all Objects first address themselves, are the Sight and the Touch; These never examine farther than the Color, the Shape, the Size, and whatever other Qualities dwell, or are drawn by Art upon the Out- ward
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ward of Bodies; and then comes Reason officiously, with Tools for cutting, and opening, and mangling, and piercing, offering to demonstrate, that they are not of the fame consistence quite thro. Now, I take all this to be the last Degree of perverting Nature; one of whose Eternal Laws it is, to put her best Furniture forward. And therefore, in order to save the Charges of all such expensive Anatomy for the Time to come; I do here think fit to inform the Reader, that in such Conclusions as these, Reason is certainly in the Right,; and that in most Corporeal Beings, which have fallen under my Congizance, the Outside hath been infinitely preferable to the In: Whereof I have been farther convinced from some late Experiments. Last Week I saw a Woman slay'd, and you will hardly believe, how much it altered her Person for the worse. Yesterday I ordered the Carcass of a Beau to be stript in my Presence; when we were all amazed to find to many unsuspected Faults under one Suit of Cloaths: Then I laid open his Brain, his Heart and his Spleen; But, I plainly perceived at every Operation, that the farther we proceeded, we found the De- fects.
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encrease upon us in Number and Bulk: from all which, I justly formed this Conclusion to my self; That whatever Philosopher or Projector can find out an Art to fodder and patch up the Flaws and Imperfections of Nature, will deserve much better of Mankind, and teach us a more useful Science, than that so much in present Esteem, of widening and exposing them (like him who held Anatomy to be the ultimate End of Physick.) And he, whose Fortunes and Dispositions have placed him in a convenient Station to enjoy the Fruits of this noble Art; He that can with Epicurus, content his Ideas with the Films and Images that fly off upon his Senses from the Superficies of Things; Such a Man truly Wise, creams off Nature, leaving the Sower and the Dregs, for Philosophy and Reason to lap up. This is the sublime and refined Point of Felicity called, the Possession of being well deceived; The Serence Peaceful State of being a Fool among Knaves.
BUT to return to Madness. It is certain, that according to the System I have above deduced; every Species thereof proceeds from a Redundancy of Vapor; there- fore,
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fore, as some Kinds of Phrenzy give double Strength to the Sinews, so there are of other Species, which add Vigor, and Life, and Spirit to the Brain: Now, it usually happens, that these active Spirits, getting Possession of the Brain, resemble those that haunt other waste and empty Dwellings, which for want of Business, either vanish, and carry away a piece of the House, or else stay at home and fling it all out of the Windows. By which are mystically display'd the two principal Branches of Madness; and which some Philosophers not considering so well as I, have mistook to be different in their Causes, over-hastily assigning the first to Deficiency, and the other to Redundance.
I think it therefore manifest, from what I have here advanced, that the main Point of Skill and Address, is to furnish Employment for this Redundancy of Vapor, and prudently to adjust the Seasons of it; by which means it may certainly become of Cardinal and Catholick Emolument in a Commonwealth. Thus one Man chusing a proper Juncture, leaps into a Gulph, from thence proceeds a Hero; and is called the Saver of his Country; Another
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Another achieves the fame Enterprise, but unluckily timing it, has left the Brand of Madness, fixt as a Reproach upon his Memory; Upon so nice a Distinction are we taught to repeat the Name of Curtius with Reverence and Love; that of Empedocles, with Hatred and Contempt. Thus, also it is usually conceived, that the Elder Brutus only personated the Fool and Madman, for the Good of the Publick: but this was nothing else, than a Redundancy of the same Vapor, long misapplied, called by the Latins, * * Tacit.
Ingenium par negotiis: Or, (to translate it as nearly as I can) a fort of Phrenzy, never in its right Element, till you take it up in Business of the State.
Upon all which, and many other Reasons of equal Weight, though not equally curious; I do here gladly embrace an Opportunity I have long fought for, of Recommending it as a very noble Undertaking, to Sir E——d S——r, Sir C——r M——ve, Sir F— —n B——ls, F——n H—— Esq; and other Patriots concerned, that they would move for Leave to bring in a Bill, for appointing Commissioners to Inspect into Bedlam, and the
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the Parts adjacent; who shall be empowered to send for Persons, Papers, and Records: to examine into the Merits and. Qualifications of every Student and Professor; to observe with utmost Exactness their several Dispositions and Behaviour; by which means, duly distinguishing and adapting their Talents, they might produce admirable Instruments for the several Offices in a State, * * * * * * * Civil and Military; proceeding in such Methods as I shall here humbly propose. And, I hope the Gentle Reader will give some Allowance to my great Solicitudes in this important Affair, upon Account of that high Esteem I have ever born that honourable Society, whereof I had some Time the Happiness to be an unworthy Member.
Is any Student tearing his Straw in piece meal, Swearing and Blaspheming, biting his Grate, foaming at the Mouth, and emptying his Pispot in the Spectator's Faces? Let the Right Worshipful, the Commissioners of Inspection, give him a Regiment of Dragoons, and send him into Flanders among the rest. Is another eternally talking, sputtering, gaping, bawling, in a Sound without Period or Article? What
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What wonderful Talents are here mislaid! Let him be furnished immediately with a green Bag and Papers, and ** A Lawyer's Coachhire.
three Pence in his Pocket, and away with Him to Westminster Hall. You will find a Third, gravely taking the Dimensions of his Kennel; A Person of Foresight and Insight, tho' kept quite in the Dark; for why, like Moses, Ecce cornuta erat ejus facies. He walks duly in one Pace, intreats your Penny with due Gravity and Ceremony; talks much of hard Times, and Taxes, and the Whore of Babylon; Bars up the woodden of his Cell constantly at eight a Clock: Dreams of Fire, and Shop-lifters, and Court-Customers, and Priviledg'd Places. Now, what a Figure would all these Acquirements amount to, if the Owner were sent into the City among his Brethren! Behold a Fourth, in much and deep Conversation with himself, biting his Thumbs at proper Junctures; His Countenance chequered with Business and Design; sometimes walking very fast, with his Eyes nailed to a Paper that he holds in his Hands: A great Saver of Time, somewhat thick of Hearing, very short of Sight, but more of Memory. A Man ever in Haste, a great
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great Hatcher and Brecder of Business, and excellent at the Famous Art of whispering Nothing. A huge Idolater of Monosyllables and Procrastination; so ready to Give his Word to every Body, that he never keeps it. One that has forgot the common Meaning of Words, but an admirable Retainer of the Sound. Extreamly subject to the Loosness, for his Occasions are perpetually calling him away. If you approach his Grate in his familiar Intervals; Sir, says he, Give me a Penny, and I'll sing you a Song: But give me the Penny first. (Hence comes the common Saying, and commoner Practice of parting with Money for a Song.) What a compleat System of Court-Skill is here described in every Branch of it, and all utterly lost with wrong Application? Accost the Hole of another Kennel, first stopping your Nose, you will behold a surley, gloomy, nasty, slovenly Mortal, raking in his own Dung, and dabling in his Urine. The best Part of his Diet, is the Reversion of his own Ordure, which exspiring into Steams, whirls perpetually about, and at last reinfunds. His Complexion is of a dirty Yellow, with a thin scattered Beard, exactly agreeable to that of his Dyet upon its first Declination; like
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like other Insects, who having their Birth and Education in an Excrement, from thence borrow their Color and their Smell. The Student of this Apartment is very sparing of his Words, but somewhat over-liberal of his Breath; He holds his Hand out ready to receive your Penny, and immediately upon Receipt, withdraws to his former Occupations. Now, is it not amazing to think, the Society of Warwick-Lane, should have no more Concern, for the Recovery of so useful a Member, who, if one may judge from these Appearances, would become the greatest Ornament to that Illustrious Body? Another Student struts up fiercely to your Teeth, puffing with his Lips, half squeezing out his Eyes, and very graciously holds you out his Hand to kiss. The Keeper desires you not to be afraid of this Professor, for he will do you no Hurt: To him alone is allowed the Liberty of the Anti-Chamber, and the Orator of the Place gives you to understand, that this solemn Person is a Taylor run mad with Pride. This considerable Student is adorned with many other Qualities, upon which, at present, I shall not further enlarge. - - - - -
Heark
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Heark in your Ear . . . . . . . I am strangely mistaken, if all his Address, his Motions, and his Airs, would not then be very natural, and in their proper Element.
I shall not descend so minutely, as to insist upon the vast Number of Beaux, Fidlers, Poets, and Politicians, that the World might recover by such a Reformation; But what is more material, beside the clear Gain redounding to the Commonwealth, by so large an Acquisition of Persons to employ, whose Talents and Acquirements, if I may be so bold to affirm it, are now buried, or at least misapplied: It would be a mighty Advantage accruing to the Publick from this Enquiry, that all these would very much excel, and arrive at great Perfection in their several Kinds; which, I think, is manifest from that I have already shewn; and shall inforce by this one plain Instance; That even, I my self, the Author of these momentous Truths, am a Person, whose Imaginations are hard mouth'd, and exceedingly disposed to run away with his Reason, which I have observed from long Experience, to be a very light Rider,
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Rider, and easily shook off; upon which Account, my Friends will never trust me alone, without a solemn Promise, to vent my Speculations in this, or the like manner, for the universal Benefit of Human kind; which, perhaps, the gentle, courteous, and candid Reader, brimful of that Modern Charity and Tenderness, usually annexed to his Office, will be very hardly persuaded to believe. SECT.
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SECT. X.
A TALE of a TUB.
It is an unanswerable Argument of a very refined Age, the wonderful Civilities that have passed of late Years, between the Nation of Authors, and that of Readers. There can hardly pop out a Play, a Pamphlet, or a Poem, without a Preface full of Acknowledgements to the World, for the general Reception and Applause they have given it, which the Lord knows where, or when, or how, or from whom it received. In due Deference to so laudable a Custom, I do here return my humble Thanks to His Majesty, and both Houses of Parliament; To the Lords of the King's most honourable Privy-Council, to the Reverend the Judges : To the Clergy, and Gentry, and Geomantry of this Land: But in a more especial manner, to my worthy Brethren and Friends at Will's Coffee-House, and Gresham-College, and Warwick-Lane, and Moor-Fields, and Scotland-Yard, and Westminster-Hall, and Guild Hall; In short, to all Inhabitants and
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and Retainers whatsoever, either in Court, or Church, or Camp, or City, or Country; for their generous and universal Acceptance of this Divine Treatise. I accept their Approbation, and good Opinion with extrem Gratitude, and to the utmost of my poor Capacity, shall take hold of all Opportunities to return the Obligation.
I am also happy, that Fate has flung me into so blessed an Age for the mutual Felicity of Booksellers and Authors, whom I may safely affirm to be at this Day the two only satisfied Parties in England. Ask an Author how his last Piece hath succeeded; Why, truly he thanks his Stars, the World has been very favourable, and he has not the least Reason to complain: And yet, By G—, He writ it in a Week at Bits and Starts, when he could steal an Hour from his urgent Affairs; as, it is a hundred to one, you may see further in the Preface; To which he refers you, and for the rest, to the Bookseller. There you go as a Customer, and make the fame Question: He blesses his God, the Thing takes wonderful, be his just printing a Second Edition, and has but three left in his Shop. You beat down the Price: Sir, we
shall
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shall not differ; and in hopes of your Custom another Time, lets you have it as reasonable as you please; And, pray send as many of your Acquaintance as you will, I shall upon your Account furnish them all at the same Rate.
NOW, it is not well enough consider'd, to what Accidents and Occasions the World is indebted for the greatest Part of those noble Writings, which hourly start up to entertain it. If it were not for a rainy Day, a drunken Vigil, a Fit of the Spleen, a Course of Physick, a sleepy Sunday, an ill Run at Dice, a long Taylor's Bill, a Beggar's Purse, a factious Head, a hot Sun, costive Dyet, Want of Books, and a just Contempt of Learning. But for these Events, I say, and same Others too long to recite, (especially a prudent Neglect of taking Brimstone inwardly,) I doubt, the Number of Authors, and of Writings would dwindle away to a Degree most woful to behold. To confirm this Opinion, hear the Words of the famous Troglodyte Philosopher : Tis certain (said he) some Grains of Folly are of course annexed, as Part in the Composition of Human Nature, only the Choice is left us, whether we please to wear them Inlaid or
Embossed;
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Embossed; And we need not go very far to seek how That is usually determined, when we remember, it is with Human Faculties as with Liquors, the lightest will be ever at the Top.
THERE is in this famous Island of Britian a certain paultry Scribbler, very voluminous, whose Character the Reader cannot wholly be a Stranger to. He deals in a pernicious Kind of Writings, called Second Parts, and usually passes under the Name of The Author of the First. I easily foresee, that as soon as I lay down my Pen, this nimble Operator will have stole it, and treat me as inhumanly as he hath already done Dr. Bl—re, L—ge, and many others who shall here be nameless. I therefore fly for Justice and Relief, into the Hands of that great Rectifier of Saddles, and Lover of Mankind, Dr. B—tly, begging he will take this enormous Grievance into his most Modern Consideration : And if it should so happen, that the Furniture of an Ass, in the Shape of a Second Part, must for my Sins, beclapt by a Mistake, upon my Back, that he will immediately please, in the Presence of the World, to lighten me of the Bur-then
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then, and take it home to his own House, till the true Beast thinks fit to call for it.
IN the mean time I do here give this publick Notice, that my Resolutions are, to circumscribe within this Discourse the whole Stock of Matter I have been so many Years providing. Since my Veiu is once opened, I am content to exhaust it all at a Running, for the peculiar Advantage of my dear Country, and for the universal Benefit of Mankind. Therefore, hospitably considering the Number of my Guests, they shall have my whole Entertainment at a Meal; And I scorn to set up the Leavings in the Cupboard. What the Guests cannot eat may be given to the Poor, and the Dogs under the Table may gnaw the Bones; This I understand for a more generous Proceeding, than to turn the Company's Stomachs, by inviting them again to morrow to a scurvy Meal of Scraps.
IF the Reader fairly considers the Strength of what I have advanced in the foregoing Section, I am convinced it will produce a wonderful Revolution in his Notions
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Notions and Opinions; And he will be abundantly better prepared to receive and to relish the concluding Part of this miraculous Treatise. Readers may bedivided into three Classes, the Superficial, the Ignorant, and the Learned : And I have with much Felicity fitted my Pen to the Genious and Advantage of each. The Superficial Reader will be strangely provoked to Laughter; which clears the Breast and the Lungs, is Soverain against the Spleen, and the most innocent of all Diureticks. The Ignorant Reader (between whom and the former, the Distinction is extreamly nice) will find himself disposed to Stare; which is an admirable Remedy for ill Eyes, serves to raise and enliven the Spirits, and wonderfully helps Perspiration. But the Reader truly Learned, chiefly for whose Benefit, I wake, when others sleep, and sleep when others wake, will here find sufficient Matter to employ his Speculations for the rest of his Life. It were much to be wisht, and I do here humbly propose for an Experiment, that every Prince in Christendom will take seven of the deepest Scholars in his Dominions, and shut them up close for seven Years, in seven Chambers, with
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with a Command to write seven ample Commentaries on this comprehensive Discourse. I shall venture to affirm, that whatever Difference may be sound in their several Conjectures, they will be all without the least Distortion, manifestly deduceable from the Text. Mean time, it is my earnest Request, that fo useful an Undertaking may be entered upon (if their Majesties please) with all convenient speed; because, I have a strong Inclination, before I leave the World, to taste a Blessing, which we mysterious Writers can seldom reach, till we have got into our Graves. Whether it is, that Fame being a Fruit grasted on the Body, can hardly grow, and much less ripen, till the Stock is in the Earth: Or, whether she be a Bird of Prey, and is lured among the rest, to pursue after the Scent of a Carcass: Or, whether she conceives, her Trumper sounds best and farthest, when she stands on a Tomb, by the Advantage of a rising Ground, and the Echo of a hollow Vault.
'TIS true, indeed, the Republick of dark Authors, after they once found out this excellent Expedient of Dying, have been
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been peculiarly happy in the Variety, as well as Extent of their Reputation. For, Night being the universal Mother of Things, wise Philosophers hold all Writings to be fruitful in the Proportion they are dark; And therefore, the ** A Name of the Rosycrucians.
true illuminated (that is to say, the Darkest of all) have met with such numberless Commentators, whose Scholiastick Midwifry hath deliver'd them of Meanings, that the Authors themselves, perhaps, never conceived, and yet may very justly be allowed the Lawful Parents of them: The Words of such Writers being like Seed, which, however scattered at random, when they light upon a fruitful Ground, will multiply far beyond either the Hopes or Imagination of the Sower.
AND therefore in order to promote so useful a Work, I will here take Leave to glance a few Innuendo's, that may be of great Assistance to those sublime Spirits, who shall be appointed to labor in a universal Comment upon this wonderful Discourse. And First, I have couched a very profound Mystery in the Number of O's multiply'd by Seven, end divided by Nine
Also,
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Also, if a devout Brother of the Rosy-Cross will pray fervently for sixty three Mornings, with a lively Faith, and then transpose certain Letters and Syllables according to Prescription, in the second and firth Section; they will certainly reveal into a full Receit of the Opus Magnum. Lastly, Whoever will be at the Pains to calculate the whole Number of each letter in this Treatise, and sum up the Difference exactly between the several Numbers, assigning the true natural Cause for every such Difference; the Discoveries in the Product, will plentifully reward his Labor. But then he must beware of Bythus and Sigè, and be sure not to forget the Qualities of Acamoth; A cujus lacrymis humecta prodit Substantia, à risu lucida, à tristitiâ Solida, & à timore mobilis, wherein * * Vid. Anima magica abscondita.
Eugenius Philalethes hath committed an unpardonable Mistake. SECT.
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SECT. XI.
ATALE of a TUB.
AFTER so wide a Compass as I have wandred, I do now gladly overtake, and colse in with my Subject, and shall hencesorth hold on with it an even Pace to the End of my Journy, except some beautiful Prospect appears within fight of my Way; whereof, tho's at present I have neither Warning nor Expectation, yet upon such an Accident, come when it will, I shall beg my Readers Favour and Company, allowing me to conduct him thro' it along with my self. For in Writing, it is as in Travelling: If a Man is in haste to be at home, (which I acknowledge to be none of my Case, having never so little Business, as when I am there) if his Horse be tired with long Riding, and ill Ways, or be naturally a Jade, I advise him clearly to make the straitest and the commonest Road, be it ever so dirty; But, then surely, we must own such a Man to be a scurvy Companion at best; He spatters himself and his Fel-low
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low-Travellers at every Step: All their Thoughts, and Wishes, and Conversation turn entirely upon the Subject of their Journey's End; and at every Splash, and Plunge, and Stumble, they heartily wish one another at the Devil.
On the other side, when a Traveller and his Horse are in Heart and Plight, when his Purse is full, and the Day before him; he takes the Road only where it is clean or convenient; entertains his Company there as agreeably as he can; but upon the first Occasion, carries them along with Him to every delightful Scene in View, whether of Art, of Nature, or of both; and if they chance to refuse out of Stupidity or Weariness; let them jog on by themselves, and be d---n'd; He'll overtake them at the next Town; at which arriving, he Rides furiously thro', the Men, Women, and Children run out to gaze, a hundred noisy Curs run barking after him, of which, it he honors the boldest with a Lash of his Whip, it is rather out of Sport than Revenge: But should some sourer Mungrel dare too near an Approach, he receives a Salute on the Chaps by an accidental Stroak from the Courser's Heels, (nor
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(nor is any Ground lost by the Blow) which sends him yelping and limping home.
I now proceed to sum up the singular Adventures of my renowned Jack; the State of whose Dispositions and Fortunes, the careful Reader does, no doubt, most exactly remember, as I last parted with them in the Conclusion of a former Section. Therefore, his next Care must be from two of the foregoing, to extract a Scheme of Notions, that may best fit his Understanding for a true Relish of what is to ensue.
Jack had not only calculated the first Revolution of his Brain so prudently, as to give Rise to that Epidemick Sect of Æolists, but succeeding also into a new and strange Variety of Conceptions, the Fruitfulness of his Imagination led him into certain Notions, which, altho' in Appearance very unaccountable, were not without their Mysteries and their Meanings, nor wanted Followers to countenance and improve them. I shall therefore be extremely careful and exact in recounting such material Passages of this Nature,
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Nature, as I have been able to collect, either from undoubted Tradition, or indefatigable Reading; and shall describe them as graphically as it is possible, and as far as Notions of that Height and Latitude can be brought within the Compass of a Pen. Nor do I at all question, but they will furnish Plenty of noble Matter for such, whose converting Imaginations dispose them to reduce all Things into Types; who can make Shadows, no thanks to the Sun; and then mold them into Substances, no thanks to Philosophy; whose peculiar Talent lies in fixing Tropes and Allegories to the Letter, and refining what is Literal into Figure and Mystery.
Jack had provided a fair Copy of his Father's Will, engrossed in Form upon a large Skin of Parchment; and resolving to act the Part of a most dutiful Son, he became the fondest Creature of it imaginable. For, altho', as I have often told the Reader, it consisted wholly in certain plain, easy Directions about the management and wearing of their Coats, with Legacies and Penalties, in case of Obedience or Neglect; yet he began to entertain a Fancy, that the Matter was deeper
and
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and darker, and therefore must needs have a great deal more of Mystery at the Bottom. Gentlemen, said he, I will prove this very Skin of Parchment to be Meat, Drink, and Cloth, to be the Philosopher's Stone, and the Universal Medicine. In consequence of which Raptures, he resolved to make use of it in the most necessary, as well as the most paltry Occasions of Life. He had a Way of working it into any Shape he pleased; so that it served him for a Night-cap when he went to Bed, and for an Umbrello in rainy Weather. He would lap a Piece of it about a sore Toe, or when he had Fits, burn two Inches under his Nose; or if any Thing lay heavy on his Stomach, scrape off, and swallow as much of the Powder as would lie on a silver Penny, they were all infallible Remdies. With Analogy to these Refinements, his common Talk and Conversation, ran wholly in the Phrase of his Will, and he circumscribed the utmost of his Eloquence within that Compass, not daring to let slip a Syllable without Authority from thence. Once at a strange House, he was suddenly taken short, upon an urgent Juncture, whereon it may not be allowed too particularly to dilate; and
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and being not able to call to mind, with that Suddenness, the Occasion required, an Authentick Phrase for demanding the Way to the Backside; he chose rather as the more prudent Course, to incur the Penalty in such Cases usually annexed. Neither was it possible for the united Rhetorick of Mankind to prevail with him to make himself clean again; Because having consulted the Will upon this Emergency, he met with a Passage near the Bottom (whether foisted in by the Transcriber, is not known) which seemed to forbid it.
HE made it a Part of his Religion, never to say Grace to his Meat, nor could all the World persuade him, as the common Phrase is, to eat his Victuals like a Christian.
HE bore a strange kind of Appetite to Snap-Dragon, and to the livid Snuffs of a burning Candle, which he would catch and swallow with an Agility, wonderful to conceive; and by this Procedure, maintained a perpetual Flame in his Belly, which issuing in a glowing Steam from both his Eyes, as well as his Nostrils, and
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and his Mouth; made his Head appear in a dark Night, like the Scull of an Ass, wherein a roguish Boy hath conveyed a Farthing Candle, to the Terror of His Majesty's Liege Subjects. Therefore, he made use of no other Expedient to light himself home, but was wont to say, That a Wise Man was his own Lanthorn.
HE would shut his Eyes as he walked along the Streets, and if he happened to bounce his Head against a Post, or fall into the Kennel (as he seldom missed either to do one or both) he would tell the gibing Prentices, who looked on, that he submitted with entire Resignation, as to a Trip, or a Blow of Fate, with whom he sound, by long Experience, how vain it was either to wrestle or to cuss; and whoever durst undertake to do either, would be sure to come off with a swinging Fall, or a bloody Nose. It was ordained, said he, some sew Days before the Creation, that my Nose and this very Post should have a Rencounter; and therefore, Providence thought fit to send us both into the World in the same Age, and to make us Country-men and Fellow-Citizens. Now, had my Eyes been open, it is very likely, the Business might have been a great deal
worse
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worse; For, how many a confounded Slip is daily got by Man, with all his Foresight about him? Besides, the Eyes of the Understanding see best, when those of the Senses are out of the way; and therefore, blind Men are observed to tread their Steps with much more Caution, and Conduct, and Judgment, than those who rely with too much Confidence, upon the Virtue of the visual Nerve, which every little Accident shakes out of Order, and a Drop, or a Film, can wholly disconcert; like a Lanthorn among a Pack of roaring Bullies, when they scower the Streets; exposing its Owner, and it self, to outward Kicks and Buffets, which both might have escaped, if the Vanity of Appearing would have suffered them to walk in the Dark. But, further; if we examine the Conduct of these boasted Lights, it will prove yet a great deal worse than their Fortune: Tis true, I have broke my Nose against this Post, because Providence either forgot, or did not think it convenient to twitch me by the Elbow, and give me notice to avoid it. But, let not this encourage either the present Age or Posterity, to trust their Noses into the keeping of their Eyes, which may prove the fairest Way of losing them for good and all. For, O ye Eyes, ye blind Guides; miserable Guar-
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dians are ye of our frail Noses; ye, I say, who fasten upon the first Precipice in view, and then tow our wretched willing Bodies after you, to the very Brink of Destruction: But, alas, that Brink is rotten, our Feet slip, and we tumble down prone into a Gulph, without one hospitable Shrub in the Way to break the Fall; a Fall, to which not any Nose of mortal Make is equal, except that of the Giant * * Vide Don Quixot. Laurcalco, who was Lord of the Silver Bridge. Most properly, therefore, O Eyes, and with great justice, may you be compared to those foolish Lights, which conduct Men thro' Dirt and Darkness, till they fall into a deep Pit, or a noisom Bog.
THIS I have produced, as a Scantling of Jack's great Eloquence, and the Force of his Reasoning upon such abstruse Matters.
HE was besides, a Person of great Design and Improvement in Affairs of Devotion, having introduced a new Deity, who hath since met with a vast Number of Worshippers; by some called Babel, by others, Chaos; who had an antient Temple of Gothick Structure upon Salisbury-
Plain;
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Plain; famous for its Shrine, and Celebration by Pilgrims.
When he had some Roguish Trick to play, he would down with his Knees, up with his Eyes, and fall to Prayers, tho' in the midst of the Kennel. Then it was that those who understood his Pranks, would be sure to get far enough out of his Way; And whenever Curiosity attracted Strangers to Laugh, or to Listen; he would of a sudden, with one Hand out with his Gear, and piss full in their Eyes, and with the other, all to-bespatter them with Mud.
In Winter he went always loose and unbuttoned, and clad as thin as possible, to let in the ambient Heat; and in Summer, lapt himself close and thick to keep it out.
In all Revolutions of Government, he would make his Court for the Office of Hangman General; and in the Exercise of that Dignity, wherein he was very dextrous, would make use of no other Vizard than a long Prayer.
He
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He had a Tongue so Musculous and Subtil, that he could twist it up into his Nose, and deliver a strange Kind of Speech from thence. He was also the first in these Kingdoms, who began to improve the Spanish Accomplishment of Braying; and having large Ears, perpetually exposed and arrested, he carried his Art to such a Perfection, that it was a Point of great Difficulty to distinguish either by the View or the Sound, between the Original and the Copy.
He was troubled with a Disease, reverse to that called the Stinging of the Tarantula; and would run Dog-mad, at the Noise of Musick, especially a Pair of Bag-Pipes. But he would cure himself again, by taking two or three Turns in Westminster-Hall, or Billingsgate, or in a Boarding-School, or the Royal-Exchange, or a State Coffee-house.
He was a Person that scared no Colours but mortally hated all, and upon that Account, bore a cruel Aversion to Painters, insomuch, that in his Paroxysms, as he walked the Streets, he would have
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have his Pockets loaden with Stones, to pelt at the Signs.
Having from his manner of Living, frequent Occasions to wash himself, he would often leap over Head and Ears into the Water, tho' it were in the midst of the Winter, but was always observed to come out again much dirtier, if possible, than he went in.
He was the first that ever found out the Secret of contriving a Soporiferous Medicine to be convey'd in at the Ears; It was a Compound of Sulphur and Balm of Gilead, with a little Pilgrim's Salve.
He wore a large Plaister of artificial Causticks on his Stomach, with the Fervor of which, he could set himself a groaning, like the famous Board upon Application of a red-hot Iron.
He would stand in the Turning of a Street, and calling to those who passed by, would cry to One; Worthy Sir, do me the Honor of a good Slap in the Chaps: To another, Honest Friend, pray, favour
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me with a handsom Kick on the Arse: Madam, shall I entreat a small Box in the Ear, from your Ladyship's fair Hands? Noble Captain, Lend a reasonable Thwack for the Love of God, with that Cane of yours, over these poor Shoulders. And when he had be such earnest Sollicitations, made a shift to procure a Basting sufficient to swell up his Fancy and his Sides; He would return home extremely comforted, and full of terrible Accounts of what he had undergone for the Publick Good. Observe this Stroak, (said he, shewing his bare Shoulders) a plaguy Janisary gave it me this very Morning at seven a Clock, as, with much ado, I was driving off the Great Turk. Neighbours mine, this broken Head deserves a Plaister; had poor Jack been tender of his Noddle, you would have seen the Pope, and the French King, long before this time of Day, among your Wives and your Ware-houses. Dear Christians, the Great Mogul was come as far as White-Chappel, and you may thank these poor Sides that he hath not (God bless us) already swallowed up Man, Woman, and Child.
It
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IT was highly worth observing, the singular Effects of that Aversion, or Antipathy, which jack and his Brother Peter seemed, even to an Affectation, to bear towards each other. Peter had lately done some Rogueries, that forced him to abscond; and he seldom ventured to stir out before Night, for fear of Bayliffs. Their Lodgings were at the two most distant Parts of the Town, from each other; and whenever their Occasions, or Humors called them abroad, they would make Choice of the oddest unlikely Times, and most uncouth Rounds they could invent; that they might be sure to avoid one another: Yet after all this, it was their perpetual Fortune to meet. The Reason of which, is easy enough to apprehend: For, the Phrenzy and the Spleen of both, having the same Foundation, we may look upon them as two Pair of Compasses, equally extended, and the fixed Foot of each, remaining in the same Center; which, tho' moving contrary Ways at first, will be sure to encounter somewhere or other in the Circumference. Besides, it was among the great Misfortunes of Jack, to bear a huge Per-sonal
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sonal Resemblance with his Brother Peter. Their Humour and Dispositions were not only the same, but there was a close Analogy in their Shape, their Size, and their Mien. Insomuch, as nothing was more frequent than for a Bayliff to seize Jack by the Shoulders, and cry; Mr. Peter, You are the King's Prisoner. Or, at other Times, for one of Peter's nearest Friends, to accost jack with open Arms, Dear Peter, I am glad to see thee, pray send me one of your best Medicines for the Worms. This we may suppose, was a mortifying Return of those Pains and Proceedings, Jack had labored in so long; And finding, how directly opposite all his Endeavors had answered to the sole End and Intention, which he had proposed to himself; How could it avoid having terrible Effects upon a Head and Heart so furnished as his? However, the poor Remainders of his Coat bore all the Punishment; The orient Sun never entred upon his diurnal Progress, without missing a Piece of it. He hired a Taylor to stirch up the Collar so close, that it was ready to choak him, and squeezed out his Eyes at such a Rate, as one could see nothing but the White.What
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What little was left of the main Substance of the Coat, he rubbed every day for two hours, against a rough-cast Wall, in order to grind away the Remnants of Lace and Embroidery; but at the same time went on with so much Violence, that he proceeded a Heathen Philosopher. Yet after all he could do of this kind, the Success continued still to disappoint his Expectation. For, as it is the Nature of Rags, to bear a kind of mock Resemblance to Finery; there being a sort of fluttering Appearance in both, which is not to be distinguished at a Distance, in the Dark, or by short-sighted Eyes: So, in those Junctures, it fared with Jack and his Tatters, that they offered to the first View, a ridiculous Flanting, which assisting the Resemblance in Person and Air, thwarted all his Projects of Separation, and left so near a Similitude between them, as frequently deceived the very Disciples and Followers of both.*******
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*********Defent non-nulla.
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THE
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THE old Sclavonian Proverb said well, That it is with Men, as with Asses; whoever would keep them fast, must find a very good Hold at their Ears. Yet, I think, we may affirm, and it hath been verified by repeated Experience, that,
Effugict tamen haec sceleratus vincula Proteus.
IT is good therefore, to read the Maxims of our Ancestors, with great Allowances to Times and Persons: For, if we look into Primitive Records, we shall find, that no Revolutions have been so great, or so frequent, as those of human Ears. In former Days, there was a curious Invention to catch and keep them; which, I think, we may justly reckon among the Artes perdite: And how can it be otherwise, when in these latter Centuries, the very Species is not only diminished to a very lamentable Degree, but the poor Remainder is also degenerated so far, as to mock our skilfullest Tenure? For, if the only slitting of one Ear in a Stag, hath been found sufficient to propagate the Defect thro' a whole Forest; Why
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Why should we wonder at the greatest Consequences, from so many Loppings and Mutilations, to which the Ears of our Fathers and our own, have been of late so much exposed: 'Tis true, indeed, that while this Island of ours was under the Dominion of Grace, many Endeavours were made to improve the Growth of Ears once more among us. The Proportion of Largeness, was not only lookt upon as an Ornament of the Outward Man, but as a Type of Grace in the Inward. Besides, it is held by Naturalists, that if there be a Protuberancy of Parts in the Superiour Region of the Body, as in the Ears and Nose, there must be a Parity also in the Inferior: And therefore in that truly pious Age, the Males in every Assembly, according as they were gifted, appeared very forward in exposing their Ears to view, and the Regions about them; because ** Lib. de dere lecis & aquis.
Hippocrates tells us, that when the Vein behind the Ear happens to be cut, a Man becomes a Eunuch: And the Females were nothing backwarder in beholding and edifying by them: Whereof those who had already used the Means, looks about them with great Concern, in hopes
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hopes of conceiving a suitable Offspring by such a Prospect; Others, who stood Candidates for Benevolence, found there a plentiful Choice, and were sure to six upon such as discovered the largest Ears, that the Breed might not dwindle between them. Lastly, the devouter Sisters, who looks upon all extraordinary Dilatations of that Member, as Protrusions of Zeal, or spiritual Excrescencies, were sure to honor every Head they sat upon, as if they had been cloven Tongues; but, especially, that of the Preacher, whose Ears were usually of the prime Magnitude; which upon that Account, he was very frequent and exact in exposing with all Advantages to the People: in his Rhetorical Paroxysms, turning sometimes to hold forth the one, and sometimes to hold forth the other: From which Custom, the whole Operation of Preaching is to this very Day among their Professors, styled by the Phrase of Holding forth.
Such was the Progress of the Saints, for advancing the Size of that Member; And it is thought, the Success would have been every way answerable, if in Process of time, a cruel King had not arose, who raised a bloody Persecution against all
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all Ears, above a certain Standard: Upon which, some were glad to hide their flourishing Sprouts in a black Border, others crept wholly under a Perewig: some were slit, others cropt, and a great Number sliced off to the Stumps. But of this more hereafter, in my general History Ears; which I design very speedily to beflow upon the Publick.
From this brief Survey of the falling State of Ears, in the last Age, and the small Care had to advance their antient Growth in the present, it is manifest, how little Reason we can have to rely upon a Hold so short, so weak, and so slippery; and that, whoever desires to catch Mankind fast, must have Recourse to some other Methods. Now, he that will examine Human Nature with Circumspection enough, may discover several Handles, whereof the * *Including Scaliger's.
Six Senses afford one apiece, beside a great Number that are screwed to the Passions, and some few riveted to the Intellect. Among these last, Curiosity is one, and of all others, affords the firmest Grasp: Curiosity that Spur in the side, that Bridle in the Mouth, that Ring
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Ring in the Nose, of a lazy, an impatient, and a grunting Reader. By this Handle it is, that an Author should seize upon his Readers; which as soon as he hath one compast, all Resistance and struggling are in vain; and they become his Prisoners as close as he pleases, till Weariness or Dullness force him to let go his Gripe
And therefore, I the Author of this miraculous Treatise, having hitherto, beyond Expectation, maintained by the aforesaid Handle, a firm Hold upon my gentle Readers; It is with great Reluctance, that I am at length compelled to remit my Grasp; leaving them in the Perusal of what remains, to that natural Oscitancy inherent in the Tribe. I can only assure thee, Courteous Reader, for both our Comforts, that my Concern is altogether equal to thine, for my Unhappiness in losing, or mislaying among my Papers the remaining Part of these Memoirs; which consisted of Accidents, Turns, and Adventures, both New, Agreeable, and Surprizing; and therefore, calculated in all due Points, to the delicate Taste of this our noble Age. But, alas,
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alas, with my utmost Endeavours, I have been able only to retain a few of the Heads. Under which, there was a full Account, how Peter got a Protection out of the King's-Bench; And of a Reconcilement between Jack and Him, upon a Design they had in a certain rainy Night, to trepan Brother Martin into a Spunging-house, and there strip him to the Skin. How Martin, with much ado, shew'd them both a fair pair of Heels. How a new Warrant came out against Peter: upon which, how Jack left him in the lurch, stole his Protection, and made use of it himself. How Jack's Tatters came into Fashion in Court and City; How he got upon a great Horse, and eat Custard. But the Particulars of all these, with several others, which have now slid out of my Memory, are lost beyond all Hopes of Recovery. For which Misfortune, learning my Readers to condole with each other, as far as they shall find it to agree with their several Constitutions; but conjuring them by all the Friendship that hath passed between Us, from the Title-Page to ?? to proceed so far as to injure their healths, for an Accident past Remedy; I now go on to the Ceremonial Part of an accom- plish'd
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plish'd Writer, and therefore, by a Courtly Modern, least of all others to be omitted.
The CONCLUSION.
G
OING too long is a Cause of Abortion as effectual, tho' not so frequent, as Going too short; and holds true especially in the Labors of the Brain. Well fare the Heart of that Noble ** Pere d' Orleans.
Jesuit, who first adventur'd to confess in Print, that Books must be suited to their several Seasons, like Dress, and Dyet, and Diversions: And better fare our noble Notion, for refining upon this, among other French Modes. I am living fast, to see the Time, when a Book that misses its Tide, shall be neglected, as the Moon by Day, or like Mackarel a Week after the Season. No Man hath more nicely observed our Climat, than the Bookseller who bought the Copy of this Work; He knows to a Tittle what Subjects will best go off in a dry
Tear,
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Year, and which it is proper to expose foremost, when the Weather-glass is fallen to much Rain. When he had seen this Treatise, and consulted his Almanack upon it; he gave me to understand, that he had manifestly considered the two Principal Things, which were the Bulk, and the Subject; and found, it would never take, but after a long Vacation, and then only, in case it should happen to be a hard Year for Turnips. Upon which I desired to know, considering my urgent Necessities, what he thought might be acceptable this Month. He lookt Westward, and said, I doubt we shall have a Fit of had Weather; However, if you could prepare some pretty little Banter (but not in Verse) or a small Treatise upon the — it would run like Wild-Five. But, if it hold up, I have already hired an Author to write something against Dr. B—tl—y, which, I am sure, will turn to Account.
At length we agreed upon this Expedient; That when a Customer comes for one of these, and desires in Confidence to know the Author; he will tell him very privately, as a Friend, naming which ever of the Wits shall happen to be
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be that Week in the Vogue: and if Durfy's last Play should be in Course, I had as live he may be the Person as Congreve. This I mention, because I am wonderfully well acquainted with the present Relish of Courteous Readers; and have often observed, with singular Pleasure, that a Fly driven from a Honey-pot, will immediately, with very good Appetite alight, and finish his Meal on an Excrement.
I have one Word to say upon the Subject of Profound Writers, who are grown very numerous of late; And, I know very well, the judicious World is resolved to list me in that Number. I conceive therefore, as to the Business of being Profound, that it is with Writers, as with Wells; A Person with good Eyes may see to the Bottom of the deepest, provided any Water be there; and, that often, when there is nothing in the world at the Bottom, besides Dryness and Dirt, tho' it be but a Yard and half under Ground, it shall pass, however, for wondrous Deep, upon no wiser a Reason than because it is wondrous Dark.
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I am now trying an Experiment very frequent among Modern Authors; which is, to write upon Nothing; When the Subject is utterly exhausted, to let the Pen still move on; by some called, the Ghost of Wit, delighting to walk after the Death of its Body. And to say the Truth, there seems to be no Part of Knowlede in fewer Hands, than That of Discerning when to have Done. By the Time that an Author has writ out a Book, he and his Readers are become old Acquaintance, and grow very loath to part: So that I have sometimes known it to be in Writing, as in Visiting, where the Ceremony of taking Leave, has employ'd more Time than the whole Conversation before. The Conclusion of a Treatise, resembles the Conclusion of Human Life, which hath sometimes been compared to the End of a Feast; where few are satisfied to depart, at plenus vita conviva: For Men will sit down after the fullest Meal, tho' it be only to doze, or to sleep out the rest of the Day. But, in this latter, I differ extreamly from other Writers; and shall be too proud, if by all my Labors, I can have any ways contri- bured
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buted to the Repose of Mankind, in Times so turbulent and unquiet as these. Neither, do I think such an Employment so very alien from the Office of a Wit, as some would suppose. For among a very Polite Nation in ** Trazenii, Pausan. l.2.
Greece, there were the same Temples built and consecrated to Sleep and the Muses, between which two Deities, they believed the strictest Friendship was established.
I have one concluding Favour, to request of my Reader; that he will not expect to be equally diverted and informed by every Line, or every Page of this Discourse; but give some Allowance to the Author's Spleen, and short Fits or Intervals of Dullness, as well as his own; And lay it seriously to his Conscience, whether, if he were walking the Streets, in dirty Weather, or a rainy Day; he would allow it fair Dealing in Folks at their Ease from a Window, to Critick his Gate, and ridicule his Dress at such a Juncture.
In my Disposure of Employments of the Brain, I have thought fit to make
Invention
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Invention the Master, and to give Method and Reason, the Office of its Lacquays. The Cause of this Distribution was, from observing it my peculiar Case, to be often under a Temptation of being Witty, upon Occasion, where I could be neither Wise nor Sound, nor any thing to the Matter in hand. And, I am too much a Servant of the Modern Way, to neglect any such Opportunities, whatever Pains or Improprieties I may be at, to introduce them. For, I have observed, that from a laborious Collection of Seven Hundred Thirty Eight Flowers, and shining Hints of the best Modern Authors, digested with great Reading, into my Book of Common-Places; I have not been able after five Years to draw, hook, or force into common Conversation, any more than a Dozen. Of which Dozen, the one Moiety failed of Success, by being dropt among unsuitable Company; and the other cost me so many Strains, and Traps, and Ambages to introduce, that I at length resolved to give it over. Now, this Disappointment, (to discover a Secret) I must own, gave me the first Hint of setting up for an Author; and, I have since found among some particular Friends,
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Friends, that it is become a very general Complaint, and has produced the same Effects upon many others. For, I have remarked many a towardly Word, to be wholly neglected or despised in Discourse, which hath passed very smoothly, with some Consideration and Esteem, after its Preferment and Sanction in Print. But, now, since by the Liberty and Encouragement of the Press, I am grown absolute Master of the Occasions and Opportunities, to expose the Talents I have acquired; I already discover, that the issues of my Observanda begin to grow too large for the Receipts. Therefore, I shall here pause awhile, till I find, by feeling the World's Pulse, and my own, that it will be of absolute Necessity for us both, to resume my Pen.
FINISH.