MOst humbly sueth vnto your sinfulnes, your singlesoald Orator Pierce Penilesse: that whereas your impious excellence, hath had the poore tennement of his purse any time this halfe yeer for your dauncing schoole, and he (notwithstanding) hath receiued no peny nor crosse for farme,No ile be sworne vppon a book haue I not according to the vsuall manner it may please your gracelesse Maiestie to consider of him, and giue order to your seruant Auarice, he may be dispatched, insomuch as no man heere in London can haue a dauncing schoole without rent, and his wit and knauerie cannot be maintained with nothing. Or if this be not so plausible to your honourable infernalship, it might seeme good to your helhood, to make extent vpon the soules of a number of vncharitable • ormorants, who hauing incurd the daunger of a Praemunire, with medling with matters that properly concerne your owne person, deserue no longer to liue (as men) amongst men, but to bee incorporated in the society of diuels. By which meanes, the mightie controller of fortune, and imperious subuerter of desteny, delicious gold, the poore mans God and Idoll of Princes (that lookes pale and wanne through long imprisonment, might at length be r • stored to his powrfull Monar chie, and e • tsoon bee sette at liberty, to helpe his friends that haue neede of him.

I knowe a great sort of good fellowes that would venture farre for his freedom, * and a number of needy Lawyers,Idest, for the freedome of gold. (who now mourne in threed- • are gowns for his thra • dome) that would goe neere to poison his keepers with 〈◊〉 La •• ne, • that might procure his enlargement: but inexora • le y • o • detaines him in the dungeon of the 〈◊〉 ▪ so that now (oure c • eatur • ) hee can neither traffique wit) the Merce •• and Tailers as he was wont, nor dominere in Tauernes as he ought.

Famine, Lent, and dessolation, sit in Onyon skind iackets before the doore of his indurance, as a Chorus in the Tragedy of Hospitality, to tell hunger and pouertie thers no reliefe for them there? and in the inner part of this vgly habitation, stands Greedinesse,The description of Greedines. prepared to deuoure all that enter, attyred in a Capouch of written parchment, buttond downe before with Labels of wax, and lined with sheepes fels for warmenes: his Cappe furd with cats skins, after the Muscouie fashion, and all to be tasse • d with Angle-hookes in stead of Aglets, ready to catch hold of all those to whom he shewes any humblenes: for his breeches they were made of the lists of broad cloaths, which he had by letters pattents assured him and his heyres, to the vtter ouerthrowe of Bowcases and Cushin makers, and bumbasted they were like Beerebarrels, with statute Marchants and forfeitures. But of al, his shooes were the strangest, which being nothing els but a couple of crab shels, were toothd at the tooes with two sharp six pennie nailes, that digd vp euery dunghil they came by for gould, and snarld at the stones as he went in the street, because they were so common for men, women and children to tread vpon, and he could not deuise how to wrest an odde fine out of any of them.

Thus walkes hee vp and downe all his life time, with an yron crow in his hand in steed of a staffe, and a Sariants Mace in his mouth▪ (which night and day he still gnawd vpon) & either busies himselfe in setting siluer lime twigs to entangle yoong Gentlemen, and casting foorth silken shraps to catch Woodcocks, or in syuing of Muckhils and shop-dust, whereof he will boult a whole cartload to gaine a bowd Pinne.

On the other side, Dame Niggardize his wife, in a sedge rug kirtle,The description of dame Nigardize. that had beene a mat time out of minde, a course hempen raile about her shoulders, borrowed of the one end of a hop-bag, an apron made of Almanackes out of date (such as stand vpon Screens, or on the backside of a dore in a Chandlers shop), and an old wiues pudding pan on her head, thrumd with the parings of her nailes, sate barrelling vp the droppings of hir nose, in steed of oyle to saime wooll withall, and would not aduenture to spit without halfe a dozen porrengers at her elbow.

The house (or rather the hell) where these two Earthwormes encaptiued this beautifull Substaunce, was vaste, large, strong buildt, and well furnished, all saue the Kitchin: for that was no bigger then the Cookes roome in a ship, with a little court chimney, about the compasse of a Parenthesis in proclamation print: then iudge you what diminutiue dishes came out of this douesneast. So likewise of the Buttry, for whereas in houses of such stately foundation that are builte to outward shewe so magnificent, euery Office is answerable to the Hall, which is principall, there the Buttry was no more but a blind Cole-house vnder a paire of staires, wherein (vprising and downelying) was but one single single kilderkin of small beere, that would make a man with a carrouse of a spoonefull, runne through an Alphabet of faces. Nor vsd they any glasses or cups (as other men) but onely little farthing ounce boxes, whereof one of them fild vp with froath (in manner and forme of an Ale-house) was a meales allow • nce for the whole houshold. It were lamentable to tel what misery the Rattes and Mise endured in this hard world, how when all supply of vittualls failed them, they went a Boothaling one night to Sinior Greedinesse bed-chamber, where finding nothing but emp • ines and vastitie, they encountred (after long inquisition) with a cod-peece, wel dunged and manured with greace (which my pinch fartpenie-father had retaind from his Bachelorship, vntill the eating of these presents. Uppon that they set▪ and with a couragious assault rent it cleene away from the breeches, and then carried it in triumph like a coffin on their shoulders betwixt them. The verie spiders and dust-weauers, that wont to set vp their loomes in euery window, decayed and vndone through the extreame dearth of the place, that afforded them no matter to worke on) were constrained to breake against their wills, and goe dwell in the countrey, out of the reach of the broome and the wing: and generally, not aflea nor a cricket that caried any braue minde, that would stay there after he had once tasted the order of their fare. Onely vnfortunate gold (a predestinat slaue to drudges and fooles) liues in endlesse bondage ther amongst them, and may no way be releast, except you send the rot halfe a yeare amongst his keepers, and so make them away with a murrion one after another.

O, but a far greater enormity raigneth in the hart of the Court: Pride the peruerter of all Uertue,The 〈◊〉 of pride. sitteth appareled in the Marchants spoiles, and ruine of yoong Citizens: and scorn • th l • earning, that gaue their vp-start Fathers, titles of gent • y.

All malcontent sits the greasie son of a Cloathier, & complaines (like a decaied Earle) of the ruine of ancient houses: whereas the Weauers loomes first framed the web of his honor,The nature of an vp-start. & the lockes of wool that bushs and brambles haue tooke for tou • e of insolent sheep, that would needs striue for the wall of a firbush, haue made him of the tenths of their tar, a Squier of low degree? and of the collect • ōs of their scatterings, a Iustice Tam Martiquam Mercurio, of Peace & of Coram. Hee will bee humorous forsoth, and haue a broode of fashions by himselfe. Sometimes (because Loue commonly weares the liuerey of Wit) hee will be an Inamorat • Poeta, & sonnet a whole quire of paper in praise of Lady Swinsnout, his yeolow fac'd Mistres, & weare a feather of her • ain beaten fan for a fauor, like a fore-horse. Al Italionato is his talke, & his spade peake is as sharpe as if he had been a Pioner before the walls of Roan. Hee will despise the barbarisme of his own Coū trey, & tel a whole Legend of lyes of his trauailes vnto Constantinople. If he be challenged to fight, for his delatorye excuse hee obiects, that it is not the custome of the Spaniard or the Germaine, to looke back to euery dog that barks. You shall see a dapper Iacke, that hath been but ouer at Deepe, wring his face round about, as a man would stir vp a mustard pot, & talke English through ye teeth like Iaques Scabd-hams, or Monsieur Mingo de Moustrap: when (poore slaue) he hath but dipt his bread in wilde Boares greace, a • d come home againe: or been bitten by the shins by a wolfe: and saith, he hath aduentured vpon the Barricadoes of Gurney or Guingan, and fought with the yong Guise hand to hand.

Some thinke to be counted rare Politicians and Statesmen, by being solitary: as who would say, I am a wise man, a braue man, Secreta mea mihi: Frustra sapit, qui sibi non sapit: The counte •• eit 〈◊〉 . and there no man worthy of my companie or friendship: when, although he goes vngartred like a male content Cutpurs • e, & weares his hat ouer his eies like one of the cursed • rue, yet 〈◊〉 his stabing dagger, or his nittie loue lock keep him out of the legend of fantastical cockscombs. I pray ye good Meū •• er diuel take some order, y• the streetes be not pestered with them so as they are. Is it not a pitiful thing that a fellow that eates not a good meales meat in a weeke, but beggereth his belly quite and cleane, to make his backe a certaine kind of brokerly Gentleman: and nowe and then (once or twice in a Tearme) comes to the eighteene pence Ordenary, because hee would bee seen amongst Caualiers and braue courtiers, liuing otherwise all the yeere long with salt Butter and Holland cheese in his chamber, should take vppe a scornfull melancholy in his gate and countenance, and talke as though our common welth were but a mockery of gouernment, and our Maiestrates fooles, who wronged him in not looking into his deserts, not imploying him in State matters, and that if more regard were not had of him very shortly, the whole Realme should haue a misse of him & he would go (I mary would he) where he should be more accounted of?

Is it not wonderfull ill prouided, I say, that this disdainfull companion is not made one of the fraternity of Fooles, to talke before great States, with some olde moth eaten Politician, of mending high waies, and leading Armies into Fraunce?

Ayoong Heyre or Corkney,The prodigall yoong Master that is his Mothers Darling, if h • e haue playde the waste-good at the Innes of the Court or about London, and that neither his Students pension, nor his vnthrifts credite will serue to maintaine his Collidge of whores any longer, falles in a quarrelling humor with his fortune, because she made him not King of the Indies, and sweares and stares after ten in the hundreth, that nere a such Pesant as his Father or brother shall keepe him vnder, hee will to the sea and teare the gold out of the Spaniards throats but he will haue it, byrlady when he comes there, poore soule hee lyes in brine in Balist, and is lamentable sicke of the scur • ies, his dainty fare is turned to a hungry feast of Dogs & Cats, or Haberdine and poore Iohn at the most, and which is lamentablest of all, that without Mustard.

As a mad Ruffion on a time, being in daunger of shipwrack by a tempest, and seeing all other at their vowes and praiers, that if it would please God of his in • inite goodnesse, to delyuer them out of that imminent daunger, one woulde abiure this sinne wher vnto he was adicted: an other, make satisfaction for that vyolence he had committed: he in a desperate iest, began thus to reco • cile his soule to heauen.

O Lord, if it may seeme good to thee to deliuer me from this feare of vntimely death, I vowe before thy Throne and all thy starry Host, neuer • o eate Haberdine more whilest I liue. Well, so it fell out that the Sky cleared, and the tempest ceased, and this carelesse wretch that made such a mockery of praier, readie to set foote a Land, cryed out: not without Mustard good Lord▪ not without Mustard: as though it had been the greatest torment in the world, to haue eaten Haberdine without Mustard. But this by the way, what pennance can be greater for Pride, than to let it swinge in his owne halter? Dulce bellum in expertis, theres no man loues the smooke of his owne Countrey, that hath not beene syngde in the flame of an other soyle It is a pleasante thing ouer a full pot, to read the fable of thirsty Tantalus: but a harder ma • ter • o disgest salt mea • es at Sea, with stinking water.

An other misery of Pride it is, when men that haue good parts,The pride of the learned. and beare the name of deepe scholers: cannot be content to participate one faith with all Christendome, but because they will get a name to their vaineglory, they will set their selfe-loue to studie to inuent new sects of singularitie, thinking to liue when they are dead, by hauing sects called after their names, as Donatists of Donatus Arrians of Arrius: and a number more new faithfounders that haue made England the exchange of Innouations, and almost asmuch confusion of Religion in euery Quarter, as there was of tongues at the building of the Tower of Babell. Whence, a number that fetch the Articles of their Beleefe out of Aristotle, and thinke of heauen and hell as the Heathen Philosophers, take occasion to deride our Eccles • asticall State, and all Ceremonies of Deuine worship, as bugbeares •• ar-crowes, because (like Herodes souldiers) we diuide Christs garment amongst vs in so many peeces, and of the vesture of saluation make some of vs Babies and apes coates, others straight trusses and Diuells breeches: some gally-gascoines or a shipmans hose like the Anabaptists and adulterous Familists, others with the Martinist a hood with two faces to hide their hypocrisie: & to conclude some like the Barrowists and Green wodians, a garment full of the plague, which is not to be worne before it be new washt.

Hence Atheists triumph and reioyce, and talke as prophanely of the Bible, as of Beuis of Hampton. I heare say there be Mathematitions abroad, that will prooue men before Adam, and they are harboured in high places, who will maintaine it to the death, that there are no diuels.

It is a shame (senior Belzibub) that you should suffer your selfe thus to be tearmed a bastard,The diuell hath children (as other mens) but fewe of them know their owne father. or not approue to your predestinate children, not only that they haue a father, but that you are he that must owne them. These are but the s • burbes of the sinne we haue in ha • d: I must describe to you a large cittie, wholy inhabited with this damnable enormitie.

In one place let me shew you a base Artificer, that hath no reuenues to boast on, but a Needle in his bosome;The pride of Artificers. as braue as any Pensiouer or Noble man.

In an other corner, Mistris Minx a Marchants wife, that wil eate no Cherries forsooth, but when they are at twenty shillings a pound,The pride of Marchants wiues. that lookes as simperingly as if she were be smeard, and iets it as gingerly as if she were dancing the Canaries: she is so finicall in her speach, as though she spake nothing but what shee had first sewd ou • r before in her Samplers, and the puling accent of her voyce is like a famed treble, or ones voyce that interprets to the puppets. What should I tel how squeamish she is in her dyet, what toyle she puts her poore seruaunts vnto, to make her looking glasses in the pauement? how she will not go into the field to cowre on the greene grasse, but she must haue a Coatch for her conuoy: and spends halfe a day in pranking her • elfe if she be inuited to any strange place? Is not this the excesse of pride signior Sathan? Goe too, you are vnwise, if you make her not a chiefe Saint in your Calender.

The next obiect that encounters my eyes, is some such obscure vpstart gallants,The pride of pesants sprung vp of nothing. as without desert or seruice are raised from the plough, to be checkmate with Princes: and these I can no better compare than to creatures that are bred Sine coitu, as cricket • in chimni • s, to which I resemble poore Scullians, that from turning spit in the chimney corner, are on the sodaine hoised vp from the Kitchin into the waiting chamber, or made Barons of the bieu •• , and Marquesses of the Marybones: some by corrupt water, as g • ate, to which we may liken Brewers, that by re • ayling • ilthy Thames water, come in few yeares to bee worth fortie or fiftie thousand pound: others by dead wine, as little flying wormes, and so the Uintners in like case: others by slime as frogs, which may be • lluded to Mother Bunches slimie ale, that hath made her, and some other of her fil-pot facultie so wealthie: others by dirt, as wormes, and so I know many gold-finers and bostlers come vp: some by hearbes, as cankers, and after the fame sort our Apothecaries: others by ashes as Scarabes: and how else get our Colliers the pence? Others from the putrified flesh of dead beasts, as Bees of Buls, and Butchers by fli-blown beefe, waspes of horsses, and Hackney-men by selling their lame iades to hunts-men for carrion.

Yet am I not against it,Sparagus a flowre that neuer groweth but throgh a mans dong. that these men by their mechanicall trades should come to be Sparage Gentlemen, and chuff-headed Burghomasters: but that better places should bee possessed by coystrels, and the Coblers crowe for crying but Aue Coesar, bee more esteemed than rarer birds that haue warbled sweeter notes vnrewarded. B • t it is no meruaile: For as Hemlock fatteth Quailes, and Henban • Swine, which to all other is poyson: so some mens vices haue power to aduaunce them which would subuert any else that should seeke to climbe by them: and it is inough in them that they can pare their nailes well to get them a liuing, when as the seauen liberall Sctences and a good leg, will scarse get a scholler a paire of shoos, and a Canuas-dublet.

These whelpes of the first Litter of Gentilitie, these Exhalations, drawne vp to the heauen of honor, from the dunghill of abiect fortune, haue long been on horseback to come riding to your Diuelship: but I knowe not howe like Saint George they are alwaies mounted, but neuer moue. Here they out-face Towne and countrey, and doo nothing but bandie factions with their betters. Theyr big limbes yeelde the Common-wealth no other seruice but idle sweate, and theyr heads like rough he wen Gloabes, are fit for nothing but to be the blockhouses of sleepe. Raynold the Fox may well beare vp his taile in the Lions denne, but when he comes abroad, hee is afraid of euery dogge that barkes. What Cur wil not bawle, and be ready to flie in a mans face, when he is set on by his maister, who if hee bee not by, to encourage him, he casts his taile betwixt his legs, & steales away like a sheepbyter. Vlisses was a tall man vnder Aiax shield: but by himselfe hee would neuer aduenture but in the night. Pride is neuer built but vpon some pillers: and let his supporters faile him neuer so little, you shall finde him very humble in the dust. Wit oftentimes stands in stead of a chiefe arche to vnderproppe it, in souldiers strength, in women beautie.

Drudges,The base insinuating of drudges and their practise to aspyre. that haue no extraordinarie gifts of body, nor of minde, filche themselues into some Noble mans seruice, either by bribes or by flattery, and when they are there, they so labour it with cap and knee, and plie it with priuie whisperings, that they wring themselues into his good opinion ere he be aware. Then do they vaunt themselues ouer the common multitude, and are • eadie to outbraue any man that stands by himselfe. Their Lords authoritie is as a rebater to beare vp the Peacocks taile of theyr boasting, and any thing that is said or doone to the vnhandsoming of their ambition, is straight wrested to the name of treson. Thus do weeds grow vp whiles no man regards them, and the Ship of Fooles is arriued in the Hauen of Felicitie, whilst the scoutes of Enuie contemne the attempts of any such small Ba • kes.

But beware you that be great mens Fauorites: let not a seruile insinuating slaue creepe betwixt your legs into credit with your Lords: for pesants that come out of the colde of pouertie, once cherisht in the bosome of prosperitie, will straight forget that euer there was a winter of want, or who gaue them roome to warme them. The sonne of a churle cannot chuse but prooue ingratefull like his Father. Trust not a villaine that hath beene miserable, and is sodainly growne happie. Uertue ascendeth by degrees of desert vnto dignitie: golde and lust may lead a man a nearer way to promotion: but he that hath neither comlinesse nor coine to commend him, vndoubtedly strides ouer time by stratagems, * if of a mole-hil hee growes to a mountaine in a moment.As by carrying tales or playing the doutie Pandor. This is that which I vrge, there is no friendship to be had with him, that is resolute to doe or suffer any thing, rather than to endure the destinie whereto he was borne: for he will not spare his owne Father or Brother, to make himselfe a Gentleman.

Fraunce, Italy, The pride of the Spaniard. and Spaine, are all full of these false hearted Machiuillions: but properly Pride is the disease of the Spaniard, who is borne a Bragart in his mothers wombe: for if he be but 17 yeeres old and hath come to the place where a 〈◊〉 was tought (though halfe a yeare before) he then talks like one of the Giants that made warre against Heauen, and stands vppon his honour as much, as if hee were one of Augustus Souldiers, of whom he first instituted the order of Heralds: and let a man sooth him in his vaine of kilcow vanitie, you may commau • d his heart out of his belly to make you a rasher on the coales, if you will next your heart.

The Italian is a more cunning proud fellowe,The pride of the Italian that hides his humour far cleanlier, and indeed seemes to take a pride in humilitie, and will profer a straunger more curtesie than hee meanes to performe. Hee hateth him deadly that takes him at his word: as for example, if vpon occasion of meeting, be request you to dinner or supper at his house, and that at the first or second intre • tie you promise to bee his guest, he will be the mortalst enemie you haue: but if you deny him, he will thinke you haue manners and good bringing vp, and will loue you as his brother: marry at the third or fourth time you must not refuse him. Of all things he counteth it a mighty disgrace to haue a man passe iustling by him in hast on a narrowe causey, and aske him no • eaue, which he neuer reuengeth with lesse then a s • ab.

The Frenchman (not altered from his owne nature) is wholly compact of deceiuable Courtship,The pride of the French man. and for the most part, loues none but himselfe and his pleasure: yet though he be the most Grand Signeur of them all, he will say, Avostre seruice & commandemente Mounseur, to the meanest vassaile he meets. Hee thinkes he doth a great fauour to that gentleman or follower of his, to whom he talks sitting on his close stoole: and with that • auour (I haue heard) the queene mother wonted to grace the Noble men of France: and a great man of their Nation comming in time past ouer into England, and beeing heere very honourably receiued, he in requital of his admirable entertainment, on an euening going to the priuie (as it were to houour extraordinaryly our english Lords, appointed to attend him) gaue one the candle, another his girdle, & another the paper: but they (not acquainted with this newe kinde of gracing) accompanying bim •• • he priuy dore, set down the trash, & so left him: which • e (considering what k •• dnes he extended to thē thei in more than vsual) took 〈◊〉

The most grosse and sencelesse proud dolts (in a different kind from all these) are the Danes:The pride of the dane who stand so much vpon their vnw • ldy burlibo and souldiery, that they account of no man that hath not a battle Axe at his girdle to hough dogs with, or weares not a cockes feather in a redde thrumd hat like a cau • lier: 〈◊〉 you know him not by any of these marks look on his fingers & you shal be sure to fi • d half a 〈…〉 worth are pence a pe • ce. briefly, he is the best foole bragart vnder heauen. For besides, nature hath left him a flaberkin face, like one of the foure winds, and cheekes that sag like a womans dogs ouer his chin-bone, his apparel is so puft vp with bladders of Taffarie, and his back like biefe stuft with Partly, so drawne out with Ribands and deuises, and blisterd with light sarcenet bastings, that you would thinke him nothing but a • warme of Butterflies, if you saw him a farre off. * Thus walkes he vp and downe in his Maiestie, taking a yard of ground at euery step, and stamps on the earth so terrible as if he ment to knocke vppe a'spirite, when (foule drunken bezzle) if an Englishman set his little finger to him, he falles like a hogs-trough that is set on one end. Therfore I am the more • ehement against them, because they are an arrogant Asse-headed people, that naturally hate learning, and all them that loue it: yea, and for they would vtterly roote it out from among them, they • aue withdrawen alrewards from the Professors therof. Not Barbary it selfe is halfe so barbarous as they are. First, whereas the hope of honor maketh a Souldior in England. By shopricks, Deanries, Prebendaries, and other priuate dignities, animate our Diuines to such excelence. The ciuil Lawyers haue their degrees & consistories of honour by themselues, equal in place with Knights and Esquiers: the common Lawyers, (suppose in the beginning they are but husband-mens sons) come in time to be chiefe Fathers of the land, and manie of them not the meanest of the Priuie Counsell.

There the souldiour may fight himselfe out of his skinne, and do more exploites than he hath doytes in his purse,No rewards amongst them for▪ desert. before from a common mercenary, he come to be Corporal of the mould cheese: or the Lieutenant get a Captainship. None but the son of a Corporall must be a Corporall, nor any be Captaine, but the lawfull begotten of a C • ptaines body. Bishopricks, Deancies, Prebendaries, why they know no such functi • ns: a sort of ragged Ministers they haue, of whom they count as basely, as water-bearers. If any of their Noblemen refraine three howers in his life time from drinking, to study the Lawes, hee may peth • ps heue a little more gouernment put into his hands than another: but • th • rwise, Burgomasters and Gentlemen beare all the swaye of both swords, spirituall and temporall. It is death there for anie but a husbandman to marry a husbandmans daughter, or a Gentlemans childe to ioyne with any but the sonne of a Gentleman, marry this the King may well banish, but hee cannot put a Ge • tleman vnto death in any cause whatsoeuer, which makes them stand vppon it so proudly as they doe. For fashion sake some will put their children to schoole, but they set them not to it till they are foureteene yeere olde: so that you shall see a great boy with a beard learne his ABC. and sit weeping vnder the rod, when he is thirtie yeeres old.

I will not stande to inferre, what a preiudice it is to the thrist of a florishing State, to poyson the growth of glory,What it is to make men labor without hope. by giuing it nought but the puddle water of penury to drinke: to clippe the winges of a high towring Faulcon, who, wher as she wont in her feathered youthfulnesse, to looke with an amiable eye vppon her gray breast, and her speckled side sayles, all sinnowed with siluer quilles, and to dryue whole Armies of fearefull fowle before her to her maisters Table: now she sits sadly on the ground, picking of wormes, mourning the crueltie of those vngentleman-like idle hands, that dismembred the beauty of her t • ayne.

You all knowe, that man (insomuch as hee is the Image of God) delighteth in honour and worship, and all holy Writ warrantes that delight, so it bee not derogatory to any part of Gods owne worship: now take away that delight, abiscontented idlenesse ouertakes him. For his hire, any handycraft man, be he Carpenter, Ioyner, or Painter, wil ploddingly do his day labor: but to adde credit and fame to his workmanship, or to winne a maistery to himselfe aboue all other, hee will make a further assay in his, trade, than euer hitherto he did, hee will haue a thousand florishes which before he neuer thought vpon, and in one day ridde more out of hand, than earst hee did in ten: So in Armes, so in Artes, if titles of fame and glory be proposed to forward minds, or that soueraigntie (whose sweetnes they haue not yet felt) be set in likely view for them to sore too, they will make a ladder of cord of the links of of their braines, but they will fasten their handes as well as their eies, on the imaginatiue blisse, which they already enioy by admiration. Experience reproues me for a foole, for dilating on so manifest a case.

The Da • es are bursten-bellied sots, that are to bee confuted with nothing but Tankards or quart pots, and Ouid might as well haue read his verses to the Getes that vnderstood him not, as a man talk reason to them that haue no eares but their mouths nor sense but of that which they swallowe downe their throates. God so loue me, as I loue the quicke-witted Italians, and therefore loue them the more, because they mortally detest this surley swinish Generation.

I need not fetch colours from other countries to paint the vglie visage of Pride, since herpicture is set forth in so many painted faces here at home. What drugs, what sorceries, what oiles, what waters, what oyntments, doe our curious Dames vse to inlarge their withered beauties? Their lips are as lauishly red, as if they vsed to kisse an • okerman euery morning, and their cheeks sugercandied and cherry blusht so sweetly, after the colour of a newe Lord Mayors postes, as if the pageant of their wedlocke holiday were harde at the doore; so that if a Painter were to drawe any of their Counterfets on Table, he needes no more but wet his pencill, and dab it on their cheekes, and he shall haue vermillion and white enough to furnish out his worke, though he leaue his tar-boxe at home behind him. Wise was that sin-washing Poet that made the Ballet of Blue starch and poaking stickes, for indeed the lawne of licentiousnesse hath consumed all the wheat of hospitalitie. It is said Laurence Lucifer, that you went vp and downe London crying then like a lanterne & candle man. I meruaile no Laundrsse would giue you the washing and starching of your face for your labour, for God knowes it is as black as the blacke Prince.

It is suspected you haue beene a great Tobacco taker in your youth, which causeth it to come so to passe: but Dame Nature your nurse was partly in fault, else she might haue remedied it. She should haue noynted your face ouernight with Lac virginis, which baking vpon it in bed till the morning, she might haue pild off the scale like the skiu of a custard, and making a posset of vergis mixt with the oyle of Tartary and Camphier, bathde it in it a quarter of an houre, and you had been as faire as the floure of the frying pan. I warrant we haue old hacksters in this great Grandmother of Corporations, Madame Troynouant, that haue not backbited any of thei • neighbours with the tooth of enuy this twentie yeare, in the wrinckles of whose face, ye may hide false dice, and play at cherry-pit in the dint of their cheekes, yet these aged mothers of iniquitie will haue their defor •••• es newe plaistred ouer, and weare nosegayes of yeolow haire on their furies foreheads, when age hath written Hoe God be here, on their bald burnt parchment pates. Pish, pish, what talke you of old age or balde pates? men and women that haue gone vnder the South pole, must lay off their furde night-caps in spight of their teeth, and become yeomen of the Uineger bottle: a close periwig hides all the sinnes of an olde whore-master, but Cucullus non facit Monachum: tis not their newe bonnets will keepe them from the old boan-ach. Ware when a mans sins are written on his ey-browes, and that there is not a haire bredth betwixt them and the falling sicknes. The times are daungerous: and this is an yron age, or rather no yron age, for swordes and bucklers goe to pawne a pace in Long-Lane: but a tinne age; for tinne and pewter are more esteemed than Latine. You that bee wise despise it, abhorre it, neglect it; for what shoulde a man care for gold that cannot get it.

An A • tiquarie is an honest man, for hee had rather scrape a peece of copper out of the durt,The commendation of Antiquaries. Laudamus veteres, sed nostris vtimur annis. than a crowne out of Ploydens standish. I know many wise Gentlemen of this mustie vocation, who out of loue with the times wherein they liue, fall a retayling of Alexanders stirrops▪ because (in veritie) there is not suche a strong peece of stretching leather made now adayes, nor yron so well tempred for any money. They will blow their nose in a boxe, & say it is the spettle that Diogenes spet in ones face: who being inuit 〈◊〉 dinner to his house, that was neat & braue in all points as might be deuised; and the grunting Dogge somewhat troubled with thertheume (by meanes of his long fasting and staying for dinner more than wont) spet full in his Hostesse face: and beeing askt the reason of it, said; it was the foulest place he could spie out in all his house. Let their Mistresse (or some other woman) giue them a feather of her fanne for her fau • ur, and if one aske them what it is? they make answer, a plume of the Phenix, wh • rof there is but one in all the whole world. A thousand guegawes and toyes haue they in their chambers, which they heape vp together withinfinite expence, and are made beleeue of them that sell them, that they are rare and pretious thinges, when they haue gathered them vpon some dunghill, or rakte them out of the kennell by chance. I know one sold an old rope with foure knots on it for foure pound, in that he gaue it out, it was the length and breadth of Christs Tombe. Let a Tinker take a peece of brasse worth a halfe penie, and set strange stamps on it, and I warrant he may make it more worth to him of some fantasticall foole, than all the kettels that euer be mended in his life. This is the disease of our newfangled humorists, that know not what to doe with their welth. It argueth a very rusty witte, so to deate on worme-eaten Elde.

OUt vpon it, how long is Pride a dr • ssing her selfe?The complaint of Enuie. Enuie awake for thou must appear before Nicalao Maleuolo great Muster maister of hell. Marke you this she mate, how smoothly hee lookes? The Poets were ill aduised, that famed him to be a leane gag toothd Beldam with hollow eyes, pale cheeks, and snakie heire: for he is not onely a man, but a iolly lusty old Gentleman, that will winke, and laugh, and ieast drily, as if he were the honestest of a thousand: and I warrant you shall not heare a foule word come from him in a yeare. I wil not contradict it, but the Dog may worry a sheepe in the dark, & thrust his necke i • to the collar of clemency & pity when he hath don: as who shold say, God forgiue him, hee was a sleepe in the shambles, when the innocent was done to death. But openly, Enuie sets a ciuil fatherly countenance vpon it, & hath not so much as a drop of bloud in his face to attaint him of murther. I thought it expedient in this my Supplication, to place it next to Pride: for it is his adopted sonne. And hence comes it, that proud men repine at others prosperitie, and greeue that any should be great but themselues Mens cuiusque, is est quisque: it is a Prouerbe that is as hoary as Dutch-b • tter. If a man wil go to the diuell, he may go to the diuell: there are a thousand iugling tricks to be vsed at • ey passe come aloft: & the world hath cords enough to trus vp a calf that stands in ons way Enuie is a Crocodile that weepes when he kils, and fights with none but he feedes on. This is the nature of this quick-sighted monster, he will endure any paynes to endamage another, waste his body with vnder-taking exploytes that would require tenne mens strengths, rather than any should get a penny but himselfe, bleare his eyes to stand in his neighbours light; and to conclude, like Atlas vnder-proppe heauen alone, rather than any should be in heauen that hee likte not of, or come vnto heauen by any other meanes but by him.

You goodman wandrer about the world, how doe yee spende your time, that you do not rid vs of these pestilent members? you are vnworthy to haue an office if you can execute it no better. Behold another enemy of mankinde besides thy selfe exalted in the South,Philip of Spaine, as g • ea an enemy to mankind as the diuell. Philip of Spaine, who not content to bee the God of gold, and chiefest commaunder of content that Europe affoords, but now he doth nothing but thirst after huma • e bloud, when his foot is on the thre sholde of the graue: and as a Wolfe beeing about to deuoure a horse, doth balist his belly with earth, that hee may hang the heauier vppon him, and then forcibly flyes in his face, neuer leauing his hold till he hath eaten him vp: so this woluish vnnaturall vsurper, being about to deuoure all Christendom by inuasion, doth cram his treasures with Indian earth, to make his malice more forcible, and then flyes in the bosome of Fraunce and Belgia, neuer withdrawing his forces (as the Wolfe his fastning) till he hath deuoured their welfare, & made the war-wasted carcases of both kingdomes a pray for his tyranny, Onely poore England giues him bread for his cake, and holdes him out at the armes end. His Armadoes (y• like a high wood ouer-shadowed the shrubs of our low ships) fled from the breath of our Cannons, as vapors before the Sun, or as the Elephant flies from the Ram, or the Se a Whale from the noyse of parched bones. The winds enuying that the a •• e should be dimmed with such a Chaos of wodden clouds, raised vp high bulwarks of bellowing waues, whence Death shot at their disordred Nauy: and the Rockes with their ouer-hanging iawes, eate vp all the fragments of oake that they left. So perisht our foes, so the Heauens did fight for vs. Praterit Hippomenes, reson int spectacula plausu.

I do not doubt (Doctor Diuell) but you were present in this action or passion rather, and helpt to bore holes in ships, to make them sinke faster; and rence out Galley-foistes with salt wa •• r, that stunke like fustie barrels wit their Maisters feare. It will be a good while hre you doe as much for the King, as you did for his subiects. I would haue ye perswade an Armie of goutie Usurers to go to Sea vppon a boon voyage: trie if you can tempt Enuy to embarke himself in the ma •• aduenture, and leaue troubling the streame, that Poets and good fellowes may drinke, and Souldiers may sing Place • o, that haue murmured so long at the waters of strife.

But that wil neuer be: for so long as Pride, Riot, and whoredome are the companions of yoong Courtiers, they wil alwayes hee hungry, and ready to bite at euery Dog that hath a boane giuen him beside themselues. Iesu, what secret grudge and rancor raignes amongst them, one being ready to dispaire of himself, if he see the Prince but giue his fellow a faire looke: or to die for griefe if he be put down in brauery neuer so little. Yet this custome haue our false harts fetcht from other countries, that they will sweare and protest loue, where they hate deadly, and smile on him most kindly, whose subuersion in soule they haue vowed. Fraus sublimi regnat in dula T •• rare to finde a true frend in Kings Pallaces; Either thou must be so miserable, that thou fall into the hands of scornful pitie, or thou 〈◊〉 not escape the sting of enuy. In one thought assemble the famous men of all ages, and tel me which of them all sate in the sun-shine of his soueraignes grace, or wext great of low beginnings, but he was spiteblasted, heaued at, & ill spoken of: and that of those that bare them most countenaunce. But were enuy nought but wordes, it might seeme to bee onely womens sinne:Murder, the companion of Enu •• . but it hath a lewde mate hanging on his s • eeue, called Murther, a sterne fellowe, that (like a Spanyard in fight) aymeth all all at the heart: hee hath more shapes than Proteus, and will shifte himselfe vppon any occasion of r • uengement, into a mans dish, his drinke, his apparell, his ringes, his stirrops, his 〈◊〉 .

O Italy, * the Academie of man-slaughter,Italie, the storehouse of all murderous inuenti • ns. the sporting place of murther, the Apothe car • shop of poyson for all Nations: how many kind of weapons hast thou inuented for malice? Suppose I 〈◊〉 mans 〈◊〉 whose hust and yet liues, and cannot enioy her for his iealong ouer-looking: Physicke, or rather the art of murther (as it may be vsed) will lend one a Medicine which shall make him away, in the nature of that disease he is most subiect to, whether in the space of a yeare, a moneth halfe a yeare, or what tract of time you will, more or lesse.

In Rome the Papal Chayre is washt euery fiue yeare at the • urthest with this oyle of Aconitum. I pray God the King of Spayne feasted not our holy father Sextus, that was last, with such conserue of He • bane, for it was credibly reported hee loued him not, & this that is now, is a God made with his owne hands as it may appeare by the Pasquil that was set vp of him,The Pasqui that was made vpon th • last Pope. As Cardinal Who • s • y for example in manner of a note, presently after his election. Sol, Re, Me, Fa, that is to say: Solus Rex me facit; onely the K. of Spaine made me Pope. I am no Chronicler from our owne Countrey, but if probable suspition might bee heard vppon his oath, I thinke some mens soules would not bee canonized for Martyres, that on the earth did sway it as Monarches.

Is it your will and pleasure (noble Lants-graue of Lymbo) to let vs haue lesse carousing to your health in poison, fewer vnder ha • d conspirings, or open quarrels, executed onely in wordes, as they are in the world now a dayes: & if men wil needs carouse, conspire, and quarrell, that they may make Ruffians hall of Hell: and there, bandy balles of Brimstone at one another shead, and not trouble our peaceable Paradise with their priuate but liburlies about strumpets, where no weapon (as in Adams Paradise) should bee named: but onely the Angell of prouidence stand with a fiery sword at the gate, to keep out our enemies.

APerturbation of mind (like vnto Enuy) is Wrath,The complaint of Wrath, • branch of En ••• . which looketh farre lower than the former: For whereas Enuie cannot be saide to bee, but in respect of our Superiours, Wrath respecteth no degrees nor persons▪ but is equally armed agaynst all that offende him. A hare-braind little Dwarfe it is, with a swarth visage, that hath his hart at his tongues end, if he becontraride, and will be sure to do no right nor take no wrong. 〈…〉 are most angry. If hee bee a Iudge or a Iustice, (as some-times the Lyon comes to giue sentence against the Lamb) then he sweares by nothing but by Saint Tyborne, & makes Newgate a Nowne Substantiue, whereto all his other words are but Adiectiues.New gate, a common name for al prisons, as Homo is a common name for a man or a woman. Lightly hee is an olde man: (for those • eares are most wayward and teatish) yet be he neuer so old or so froward, since Auarice like-wise is a fellow vice of those fraile years, wee must set one extreame to striue with another, and alay the anger of oppression, by the sweet incense of a new purse of angels: or the doting Planet may haue such predominance in these wicked Elders of Israel, that if you send your wife or some other female to plead for you, shee may get your pardon vpon promise of better acquaintance. But whist, these are the workes of darknesse and may not be talkt of in the day time: Fury is a heate or fire, & must bee quencht with maides water.

Amongst other cholericke wise Iustices,A tale of a wise Iustice. he was one, that hauing a play presented before him and his Towne-ship, by Tarlton and the rest of his fellowes her Maiesties seruants, and they were now entring into their first merriment (as they call it) the people began exceedingly to laugh, when Tarlton first peept out his head. Where at the Iustice not a little moued, and seeing with his beckes and nods hee could not make them cease, he went with his staffe, and beat them round about vnmercifully on the bare pates, in that they being but Farmers & poore countrey Hyndes would presume to laugh at the Queenes men, and make no more account of her cloath in his presence.

The causes conducting vnto wrath are as diuers,The nature of the Irish man as the actions of a mans life. Some will take on like a mad man, if they see a pigge come to the • able. Sotericus the Surgeon was cholericke at the sight of Sturg • on. The Irishman will drawe his dagger, and bee ready to kill and slay, if one breake winde in his company: and so some of our English men that are Souldiers, if one giue them the lye: but these are light matters, whereof Pierce complaineth not.

Be aduertis • d Master Os foetidum, Bedle of the Blackesmithes, that Lawyers cannot deuise which way in the world to begg • , they are so troubled with brabblements and sutes euery Tearme, of Yeomen and Gentlemen that fall out for nothing.

If Iohn a Nokes his henne doo but leap into Elizabeth de Gappes close, shee will neuer leaue to haunt her husband. • ll be bring it to a Nisiprius. O •• while, the Parson sueth the parishioner for bringing home his tythes: another while, the Parishioner sueth the Parson for not takinge away his Tythes in time.

I heard a tale of a Butcher,A merry tale of a Butcher & his Calu •• . who driuing two Calues ouer a Com-mon, that were coupled together by the neckes with an Oken With, in the way wher they shold passe, there lay a poore leane Marewith a galde backe, to whome they comming (as chance fell out) one of one side, and the other of the other, smelling on her (as their manner is) the midst of the With that was betwixt the •• • ecks, rubd her and grated her on the sore backe, that shee started and rose vp, and hung them both on her backe as a beame, which being but a rough plaister to her raw vlcer, shee ran away with them (as she were fran-tick) into the Fens, where the Butcher could not follow them, and drownde both her selfe and them in a Quagmyre. Now the owner of the Mare is in lawe with the Butcher for the losse of his Mare, and the Butcher enter changabley endites him for his Calues. I pray ye Timothy Tempter, bee an Arbitrator bee twixt them, and couple them both by the neckes (as the Calues were) and carry them to Hel on your backe, and then I hope they wyll be quiet.

The chiefe spur vnto wrath is Drunkennes, which as the touch of an Ashenbough, causeth a gidinesse in the Uipers head, and the Batte lightly strooke with the leafe of a Tree, loseth his remembrance: so they being but lightly sprinckled with the iuyce of the Hop, become sencelesse, and haue their reason stroo • en blind, as soone as euer the Cup scaleth the Fortresse of their Nose. Then run their words at random like a dog that hath lost his master, and are vppe with this man and that man, and generally inuay against al men: but those that keep a wet corner for a friend, and will not thinke scorne to drinke with a good fellowe and a Souldiour: and so long do they practise this vaine on their Ale-bench, that when they are sober they cannot leaue it. There be those that get their liuing al the yeere long, by nothing but • ayling.A tale of one Frye • Cha • les, a foule mouthde knaue.

Not Farre from Chester, I knewe an odde foule mouthde knaue, called Charles the Fryer, that had a face so pa • boyled with mens spitting on it, and a b • cke so often knighted in Bridewell, that it was impossible for any shame or punishment, to terrif • e him from ill speaking, Noblemen he would liken to more vgly things than himself: some to After my hartie commendations, with a dash ouer the head: others, to guilded chines of beefe, or a shoomaker sweating, when he puls on a shoo: another to an old verse in Cato, Ad consilium ne accesseris antequam voceris: another, to a Spanish Codpisse: another, that his face was not yet finisht, with such like innumerable absurd illusions: yea, what was he in the Court, but he had a comparison in stead of a Capta • e to put him in. Upon a time being chalenged at his owne weapon in a priuate Chamber, by a great personage, (rayling I meane) he so far outstript him in vilanious words, and ouerbandied him in bitter tearmes, that the name of sport could not perswade him patience, nor containe his furie in any degrees of ieast, but needs hee must wreake himselfe vppon him: neither would a common reuenge suffice him, his displeasure was so infinite (and it may be common reuenges he tooke before, as far as the whipcord would stretch, vpon like prouokements) wherefore he caused his men to take him, and brickt him vp in a narrow chimney, that was Neque maior neque minor corpore locato, where he fed him for fifteene dayes with dread an • water through a hole, letting him sleep standing if he would, for lye or sit he could not, and then he let him out to see if he could learne to rule his tongue any better.

It is a disparagement to those that haue any true sparke of Gentilitie, to be noted of the whole world so to delight in detracting, that they should keepe a venemous toothd Cur, and feed him with the crums that fall from their table, to do nothing but bite euery one by the shins that passe by. If they will needes be merry, let them haue a foole and not a knaue to disport them, and seeke some other to b • stow their aliues on, than such an impudent begger.

As there be those that rayle at all men, so there be those that raile at all Arts, as Cornelius Agrippa De vanitate scientiarum, and a Treatise that I haue se • ne in dispraise of learning, where he saith, it is the corrupter of the simple, the schoolemaister of 〈◊〉 , the storehouse of treacherie, the reuiuer of vices, and mother of cowardiz alledging many examples, how there was neuer man egregiously euill, but he was a Scholler: that when the vse of letters was first inuented, the Golden World ceased, Facinusque i • uasit mortales: how studie dooth effeminate a man, dim his sight, weaken his brai • e, and ingender a thousand diseases. Small learning would serue to confute so manifest a scandale, and I • magine all men like my selfe so vnmoueablie resolued of the excellencie thereof, that (will not by the vnderpropping of confu • ation seeme to giue the idle wi • ted a duer sarye so much encouragement,An inuecti •• aga • nst enemies of Poe • rie. as hee should surmize his superficiall arguments had shaken the foundation of it: against which hee could neuer ha • e 〈◊〉 his penne, if her selfe had not helpt him to hurte h • r selfe.

With the enemies of Poetrie,Absit arrogantia, that this speeche shold concerne all diuines, but such dunces as abridge men of their lawfull liberty and care not howe vnprepared they speake to their Auditorie. Such Sermons I meane as our sectuaries preach in ditches and other Conuenticles when they leape from the Coblers stal to their pulpits. I care not if I haue about, and those are they that tear me our best Writers but babling Ballatmakers, holding them fantasticall fooles, that haue wit, but cannot tell how to vse it, I my selfe haue beene so censured among some dul-heade • * Diuimes: who deeme it no more cunning to wryte an exquisite Poem, than to preach pure Caluin, or distill the iustice of a Commentary in a quarter S • rmon, Prooue it when you will, you'slowe spirited Saturnists, that haue nothing but the pilfr • es of your penne, to pollish an exhor • ation withall: no eloquence but Tautologies, to 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 of, your Auditorye vnto you: no inuention but heere is to bee noted, I stoale this note out of Beza or Marlorat: no wit to mooue, no passion to vrge, but onelye • an ordinarie forme of preaching, blowne vp by vse of often heating and speaking and you shall finde there goes more exquisite paines and puritie of witte, to the writing of one such 〈◊〉 Poem as Rosamond, than to a hundred of your dunsticall * S • rmons.

Should we (as you) borrowe all out of others, and gather nothing of our selues, our names should bee baffuld on euerie Booke-sellers Stall, and not a Chandlers Mustard-pot but would wipe his mouthe with our wast paper. Newe Herings, new, 〈◊〉 must crye, euery time wee make our selues publique, or else we shall bee 〈◊〉 with a hundred newe tytles of Idiotis •• e. Nor in Poetrie an Arte, where of there is no vse in a mans whole lyfe, but to describe discontented thoughts and yout • full desires: for there is no studie, but it dooth illustrate and beauti • ie. How admirablie shine those Diuines about the common mediocritie, that haue tasted the sweete springs of Pernassus?

Siluer tongu' • Smith whose well tun'd stile hath made thy death the generall teares of the Muses,Encomium H. Smithi. queintlie couldst thou deuise heauenly Ditties to Apolloes Lute, and teach stately verse to trip it as smoothly, as if Ouid and thou had but one soule▪ Hence alone did it proceed, that thou wert such a plausible pulpit man that before thou entredst into the rough waies of Theologie, thou refinedst, preparedst, and purifidest thy minde with sweete Poetrie. If a simple mans censure may be admitted to speake in such an open Theater of opinions, I neuer saw aboundant reading better mixt with delight, or sentences which no man can challenge of prophane affectation, sounding more melodious to the eare or piercing more deepe to the heart.

To them that demaund what fruites the Poets of our time bring forth,The fruits of Poetry or wherein they are able to proue themselues necessary to the state. Thus I answere. First and for most, th • y haue cleansed our language from barbarisme and made the vulgar sort here in London (which is the fountaine whose riuers flowe round about England) to aspire to a richer puritie of speach, than is communicated with the Comminaltie of any Nation vnder • eauen. The vertuous by their praises they encourage to be more vertuous, to vicious men they are as in • ernall hags to haunt their ghosts with eternall infamie after death. The Souldier in hope to haue his high deeds celebrated by their pens, despiseth a whole Armie of perills, and acteth wonders exceeding all humane coniecture. Those that care neither for God nor the diuell, by their quills are keept in awe. Multi famam (saith one) pauci conscientiam verentur.

Let God see what he will, they would be loath to haue the shame of the world.P lin. l. b. 3. What age will not praise immortal Sir Phillip Sidney, whom noble Salustius (that thrice siguler french Poet) hath famoused: together with Sir Nicholas Bacon Lord keeper, & merry sir Thomas Moore, for the chiefe pillers of our english speech. Not so much but Chaucers host, Baly in Southworke, & his wife of Bath he keeps such a stirre with in his Canterbury tales, shalbe talkt of whilst the Bath is vsde, or there be euer a badhouse in Southwork. Gentles, it is not your lay Chronigraphers that write of nothing but of Mayors and Sheriels and the deare yeere,The disp • aise of 〈◊〉 chronigraphers and the great Frost, that can endowe your names with neuer dated glory: for they want the wings of choise words to fly to heauen, which we haue: they cannot sweeten a discourse, or wrest admiration from men reading, as we can: reporting the meanest accident. Poetry is the hunny of all flowers, the quintessence of all Sciences, the Marrowe • f Witte, and the very Phrase of Angels: how much better is it then to haue an eligant Lawier to plead ones cause, than a s • utting Townsman that loseth himselfe in his tale, and doth nothing but make legs: so much it is better for a Nobleman or Gentleman, to haue his honours story related, and his deedes emblazond by a Poet, than a Citizen.

Alas poore latinlesse Authors, they are so simple they know not what they doe; They no sooner spy a new Ballad, and his name to it that compilde it: but they put him in for one of the learned men of our time, I maruell how the masterlesse men, that set vp their bills in Paules for seruices, & such as pa •• e vp their papers on euery post, for Arithmetique and writing Schooles, scape eternity amongst them; I beleeue both they and the Knight Marshals men, that naile vp Mandates at the Court g •• , for annoying the Pallace with filth or making water, if they set their names to the writing, will shortly make vp the number of the learned men of our time, and be as famo • s as the rest. For my part I do challenge no praise of learning to my selfe, yet haue I worne a gowne in the Uniuersitie, and so hath Caret tempus non habet moribus: but this I dare presume that if any Mecoenas binde me to him by his bounty or extend some sound liberalitie to mee worth the speaking of, I will doo him as much honour as any Poet of my beardlesse yeeres shall in England, Not that I am so confident what I can doe, but that I attribute so much to my thankfull minde about others, which I am perswaded would enable me to worke myracles.

On the contrary side, if I bee euill intreated, or sent away with a Flea in mine eare, let him looke that I will raile on him soundly: not for an houre or a day, whiles the iniury is fresh in my memory: but in soire elaborate pollished Poem, which I will leaue to the world when I am dead, to be aliuing Image to all ages, of his beggerly parsimony and ignoble illiberalti • : and let him not (whatsoeuer he be) measure the weight of my words by this booke, where I write Quic quid in buccam venerit, as fast as my hand can trot: but I haue tearmes (if I be vext) laid in sleepe in Aquafortis, I wold tell you in what book it is, but I am afraid it would make his booke sell in his latter daies, which hetherto hath lien dead and beene a great losse to the Printer. & Gunpowder, that shall rattle through the Skyes and make an Earthquake in a Pesants eares. Put case (since I am not yet out of the Theame of Wrath) that some tired Iade belonging to the Presse, whom I neuer wronged in my life; hath named me expressely in Print (as I will not do him) and accuse me of want of learning, vpbraiding me for reuiuing in an epistle of mine the reuerent memory of Sir Thomas Moore, Sir Iohn Cheeke, Doctor Watson, Doctor Haddon, Doctor Carre, Maister Ascham, as if they were no meate but for his Maister ships mouth. or none but some such as the son of a ropemaker were worthy to mention them. To shewe how I can raile, thus would I begin to raile on him. Thou that hadst thy hood turnd ouer thy eares when thou wert a Batchelor, for abusing of Aristotle, & setting him vpon the Schoole gates painted with Asses eares on his head: is it any discredit for me, thou great babound, thou Pigmie Braggart, thou Pamphleter of nothing but * Peants, Looke at the Chandlers shop, or at the Flaxwiues stall, if you see no tow nor Sope wrapt vppon the title page of such a Pamphlet, as Incerti Authoris Iopaean. to bee censured by thee, that hast scorned the Prince of Philosophers; thou that in thy Dialogues soldst Huny for a ha • peny, and the choycest Writers exant for cues a pe • ce, that camest to the Logicke Schooles when thou wert a Freshman and writst phrases, off with thy gowne and vntrusse, for I meane to lash thee mightily. Thou hast a Brother hast thou not, student in Almanackes, go too Ile stand to it, fatherd one of thy bastards (a booke I meane) which being of thy begetting was set forth vnder his name.

Gentlemen, I am sure you haue hearde of a ridiculous Asse that many yeares since sold lyers by the great, and wrote an obsurd Astrologicall Discourse of the terrible Coniunction of Saturne and Iupiter, wherein (as if hee had • ately cast the Heauens water, or beene at the anatomizing of the Skies intrailes • n Surgeons hall) hee prophec • eth of such strange wonders to ensue from stars destemperature, and the vnuseall a • ultrie of Planets, as none but he that is Bawd to those celestiall bodies, could euer discry. What expectation there was of it both in towne 〈◊〉 co • ntry, • he amaz • ment of those times may 〈◊〉 : and the rather because he pawned his * • redit vpon it, in these expresse tearmes;Which • t home 〈◊〉 was worth a dozen of halters at least, for if I be not deceiued his father was a Ropemaker. If these things fall not out in euery point as I haue wrote, let me for euer hereafter loose the credit of my Astronimie. Well so it happened, that he happened not to be a man of his word; his Astronimie broke his day with his creditors and Saturne and Iupiter prou'd honester men then all the World took • them for: whereupon, the poore Prognosticator 〈◊〉 ready to 〈◊〉 himselfe through with his Iacobs Staffe, and east himself headlong from the top of a Globe (as a mountaine) and breake his necke. The whole Uniuersitie hyst at him, Tarlton at the Theator made iests of him, and Elderton consumd his ale-cr • mmed nose to nothing, in bearbayting him with whole bundles of ballets. Would you in likely reason gesse it were possible for any shame-swolne • oad to haue the spet-proofe face to out liue this disgrace? It is deate brethren, Viuit imo viuit, and which is more, he is a Uicar.

Poore Slaue. I pitie thee that thou hadst no more grace but to come in my way, Why, could not you haue sate quiet at home, and write Catechismes, but you must be comparing me to Martin? and exclayme against me for reckoning vp the high Schollers or worthy memory? Iupiter ingeniis prabat sua numina vdium, saith Ouid. Seque celebrari qu • libet ore si • it. Which if it be so I hope I am Aliquis, and those men quos honoris causa nominaui, are not greate than gods, Me thinks I see thee stand quiuering and quaking, and euen now lift vp thy hands to heauen, as thanking God my choler is somewhat asswag'd: but thou art deceiued, for how euer I let fast my stile a little to talke in reason with thee that hast none, I do not meane to let thee scape so.

Thou hast wrongedone for my sake (whom for the name I must loue) T. N. the Maister Butler of Pembrooke Hall, a farre better Scholler than thy selfe (in my iudgement) and one that sheweth more discretion and gouernment, in setting vp a sise of Bread, than thou in all thy whole booke. Why man, thinke no scorne of him for he hath held thee vp a hundred times, whiles the Deane hath giuen thee correction, and thou hast • apt and kneed him (when thou wert hungrie) for a • hipping. But thats nothing, for hadst thou neuer beene beholding to him, nor holden vp by him, he hath a Beard that is a better Gentleman than 〈◊〉 thy whole body, and a graue countenance like Cato, able to make thee run out of t • y wits for feare, if he looke sternly vpon thee. I haue • eade ouer thy Sheepi • h discourse of the Lambe of GOD and his enemies, and entreated my patience to be good to thee whilst I reade: but for all that I could doe with my selfe, (as I am sure I may doe as much as another man) I could not refraine, but bequeath it to the Priuie, leafe by leafe as I read it, it was so vgly, dorbellicall and lumpish. Monstrous, monstrous, and palpable, not to bee spoken of in a Christian Congregation: thou hast skumd ouer th • Sthoolemen, and of the froth of theyr folly, made a dish of diuinitie Brewesse, which the dogges will not eate.His owne words. If the Printer haue any great dealings with thee, hee were best to get a priuiledge betimes, Ad imprimendum solum, forbidding all other to sell waste paper but himselfe, or else he will bee in a wofull taking. The Lambe of God make thee a wiser B • ll-weather then thou art, or else I doubt thou wilt be driuen to leaue all and fall to thy fathers occu • ation, which is, to goe and make a rope to hang thyselfe. Neque enim Lex aequior vlla est, quam necis artifices arte periresu • : and so I leaue thee till a better opportunity, to bee torme • ted world without end, of our Paets and Writers about London, whome thou hast called piperlye Make-playes and Make-hates: not doubting but hee also whom thou tearmest the vaine Pap-hatcher, will haue a flurt at thee 〈◊〉 day: all ioyntly driuing thee to this issue, that thou shalt bee constrained to go to the chiefe Beame of thy Be ••• ce, and there beginning a lamentable speech with cur scripsi, cur perit, end with para • um praua decent, iuuat inconcessa voluptas, and so wich a trice, trusse vp thy l • fe in the steing of thy Sancebell. So be it, pray Pen, Incke and paper on their kuees, that they way not bee troubled with thee any more.

Redeo ad vos m • i Auditores, haue I not a indifferent prittye vayne in Spurgalling an Asse? if you knew • ow extemporall it were at this instant, and with what hast it is writ you would say so. But I would not haue you thinke that all this that is set downe heere, is in good earnest, for then you goe by S. Gyles, the wrong way to Westminster: but onely to shewe howe for a neede I could rayle, if I were throughly fyred. So ho, Honiger Hammon, where are you all this while. I cannot be 〈◊〉 with you? Tell me what 〈◊〉 you thinke of the case, 〈◊〉 subiect to the sinne of Wrath I write against or no, in 〈◊〉 my penne on this blocke. I know you would sam • haue it so, but it shall not choose but be otherwise for this once. Come on let vs • urne ouer a new leafe, and heare what Gluttonie can say for her selfe, for Wrath hath pet his poyson, and full pla ••• s doe well after extreame purging.

THe Romaine Emperours that succeeded Augus • us, The complaint of Glu •• ome were exceedingly giuen to this horrible vice, where of some of them would feed on nothing but the tongues of Phesan • s and Nightingales: other, would spend as much at one banquet, as a kings reuenues came to in a yeare, whose excesse I would decypher at large, but that a new Laureat hath sau'd me the labor: who for a man that stands vpon paines and not wit, hath performd as much as any Storie dresser may doo, that sets a new English na • on an old Latine Apoth • gs. It is enough for me to li • ke dishes heere at home, though I feed not mine eyes at any of the Romane feas • s, Much good doe it you Maister Diues heere in London: for you are he my pen meanes to di • e withall. Miserere mei, what a 〈◊〉 churle it is? Why, he hath a belly as big as the round 〈◊〉 Cambridge, a face as huge as the whole bodie of a base via • l, • nd legs that if they were hollow, a man might keepe a mill in eyther of them. Experto credo Roberto, there is no mast like a Marchants table. Bona fide, it is a great misture, that we haue not men swine as well as beasts, for then we should haue porke that hath no more bones than a pudding, and a site of bacon that you might lay vnder your head in stead of a bolster. 〈…〉

It is not for nothing, that other Countries whom we vpbraide with Drunkennesse, call vs bursten-bellied Gluttons: for wee make our greedie • aunches powdring tubs of bee • e, and eat more meat at one meale▪ than the Spaniard or Italian in a moneth▪ Good thrifty mē ▪ they draw out adinner with sallets, like a Swart • utters sute, and make Madona Nature their best Caterer. We must haue our Tables furnisht like Poulters stalls, or as though we were to victual Noahs Arke again (wherin there was al sorts of liuing creatures that euer we • e) or els the good-wife will not open her mouth to bid one welcome. A stranger that should come to one of our Magnificoes houses, when dinner were set on the boord, and he not yet set, would thinke the goodman of the house were a Haberdasher of Wilde-sowle, or a Merchant venture • of daintie meate, that sels commodities of good cheere by the great, and hath Factors in Arabia, Turkey, Egipt, and Barbarie, to prouide him of straunge Birdes, Chiua Mustard, and odde patterns to make Custards by.

Lord, what a coyle haue we with this Course and that course, remoouing this dish higher, setting another lower, and taking awaye the third. A Generall might in lesse space remooue his Campe, than they stand disposing of their gluttonie. And where to tends all this gurmandise, but to giue sleepe grosse humors to feede on, to corrupt the braine, and make it vnapt and vnweldie for any thing.

The Romane Censors, if they lighted vpon a fat corpulent man, they straight tooke away his horsse, and constrained him to goe a foote: positiuely concluding, his carkasse was so puf • vp with gluttonie or idlenesse. If we had such horse-takers amongst vs, and that surfit-swol • e Churles, who now ride on their footcloathes, might be constrained to carrie their flesh budgets from place to place on foote, the price of be •• et and cloath would fall with their belies, and the gentle craft (alias the red herrings kinsmen) get more and drinke lesse. Plenus venter nil agit libenter, & plures gula occidit quamgladius. It is as desperate a peece of seruice, to sleepe vpon a full stomacke, as it is to serue in face of the bullet: a man is but his breath, and that may as well be stopt by putting too much in his mouth at once, as running on the mouth of the cannon. that is verefied of vs, which Horace writes of an outragious eater in his time, Quicquid quaesierat ventr • don a bat auaro, Whatsoeuer he could rap or rend, he confiscated to his couetous gut. Nay, we are such flesh-eating Saracens, that chast fish may not content vs, but we delight in the murder of innocent mutton, in the vnpluming of pullerie, and quartering of Calues and Oxen.A rare wit ••• ie • t of Doctor Watson. Or rather Belly-als, because all their minde is on their belly. It is horrible and detestable, no godly Fishmonger that can digest it. R • port (which our moderners clippe • lundring Fame) puts me in memorie of a notable iest I heard long a goe of Doctor Watson, verye conducible to the reproofe of these •• eshly minded Belials. He beeing at supper on a fasting or fish night at least, with a great number of his friends and acquaintance, there chanced to be in the company an outlandish Doctor, who when all other fell to such victuals (agreeing to the time) as were before them, be out stript them, and there being one ioynt of flesh on the table for such as had weake stomackes, fell freshly to it. After that hunger (halfe conquered) had restored him to the vse of his speach, for his excuse he said to his friend that brought him thither, Profecto Domine, ego sum malissimus piscator, meaning by piscator, a Fishman: (which is a liberty, as also malissimus, that outlandish men in theyr familiar talke to challenge, at least vse aboue vs,) At tues bonissimus carnifex, quoth Doctor Watson, retorting very merily his owne licentious figures vpon him. So of vs may it be said we are Malissimipiscatores, but bonissimi carnifices. I would English the iest for the edification of the temporalitie, but that it is not so good in English as in Latine: and though it were as good, it would not conuert clubs and clowted shoone from the flesh pots of Egipt, to the Prouant of the Lowecountries, for they had rather (with the Seruingman) put vp a Supplication to the Parliament house, that they might haue a yard of pudding for a penie, than desire (with the Baker) there might bee three ounces of bread sold for a halfe penie.

Alphonsus King Phillips Confessor, that came ouer with him to England, The moderation of F • yer Alphonso, K. Philips Confessor. was such a moderate man in his dye • , that hee would feed but once a day, and at that time he would feed so • lenderly and sparingly, as scarse serued to keepe life and soule together, one night importunately inuited to a solemne banquet, for fashion sake, he sate downe among the rest, but by no entreatie could be drawne to eate any thing: at length fruite beeing set on the boord, he reacht an apple out of the dish, and put it in his pocket. which one marking, that sat right ouer against him, askt him, Domine • ur es solicitus in crastinum? Sir, why are you carefull for the morrow? Whereto he answered most soberly, Imo hoc facio mi amice, vt ne sim solicitus in crastinum: No, I doo it my friend, that I may not be carefull for the morrow: as though his appetite were a whole day contented with so little as an apple, and that it were enough to paye the morrowes tribute to Nature.

Rare and worthy to be registred to all posterities,The strang alteration of the Countie Molines the Prince of Parmas Companion. is the Countie Molines (sometime the Prince of Parmaes Companion) altred course of life, who being a man that liued in as great pompe and delicacie, as was possible for a man to doo, and one that wanted nothing but a king • ome that his heart could desire. Upon a day e • tering into a deepe melancholy by himselfe, hee fell into a discoursiue consideration, what this world was, how vaine and transitory the pleasures thereof, and how manie times he had offended God by sur • etting, glut • ony, drunkennes, pride, whoredome and such like, and how hard it was for him that liu'd in that prosperitie that he did, not to bee entangled with those pleasures: whereupon he presently resolu'd twixt God and his owne conscience, to forsake it and al his allurements, and betake hime to the seuerest forme of life vsed in their state. And with that cald all his Souldiers and acquaintance together, and making knowen his intent vnto them, he distributed his liuing and possessions (which were infinite) amongst the poorest of them: and hauing not left himselfe the worth of one farthing vnder heauen, betooke him to the most beggerly newere •• ed Order of the Fryer Capuch •• es. The • Institution is, that they shall possesse nothing whatsoeuer of their owne, more than the cloa • hes on their backes, continually go bare foote, weare haire shirts, and lie vpon the hard bords winter and summer time, they m • st haue no meate, nor aske any but what is giuen them voluntarily, nor must they lay vp from any meale to meale but giue it to the poore, or els it is a great penaltie. In this seuere humilitie liues this deuout Countie, and hath do • e this tweluemonth submitting himselfe to all the base drudgery of the house, as fetching water, making cleane the rest of their chambers, insomuch as he is the Iunior of the Order. O what a notable rebuke were his honourable Lowlines to succeeding pride, if this prostrate spirit of his were not the seruaunt of Superstition: or hee mispent not his good workes on a wrong Faith.

Let but our English belly-gods punish their pursie bodies with this strict penaunce, and professe Capuchinisme but one month, and Ile be their pledge they shall not grow so like dryfats as they doo. O it will make them iolly long winded to trot vp and downe the Dorter st ••• es, and the water-tankard wil keepe vnder the insurrection of their shoulders, the h • ire shirt will chase whordome out of their boanes, and the hard lodging on the boards take their flesh downe a button hole lower.

But if they might be iaduced to distribute all their goods amongst the poore, it were to be hoped Saint Peter would let them dwell in the suburbes of heauen, whereas other wise they must keepe aloofe at Pancredge, and not come neeer the liberties by fiue leagues and aboue. It is your dooing (Diotrephes Diuell) that these stal- • ed cormorants to damnation,The comp • aint of drunkennes. must bung vp all the welth of the Land in their s • aphaunce bags, and poore Scholers and Souldiers wander in backe lanes, and the outshiftes of the Citie, with neuer a rag to their backes: but our trust is, that by some intemperance o • othe • ,Drinking supernag • lum, a deuise of drinking new come out of Fraunce: which is, after a man hath turn • d vp the bottom of the cup, to drop it on his naile & make a pearle with that is left, which if it shed & he cannot make stand on, by reason thers too much, he must drinke againe for his pennance. you will turne vp their heeles one of these yeares together, and prouide them of such vnthrifts to their heires, as shall spend in one weeke amongst good fellowes, what they got by extortion and opression from Gentlemen all their life time.

FRom Glut • ony in meates, let me discend to superfluitie in drinke: a sinne, that euer since we haue mixt our selues with the Low-countries, is counted honourable: but before we knew their lingring warres, was held in that highest degree of hatred that might be. Then if we had seene a man goe wallowing in the streetes, or line sleeping vnder the boord, we would haue spet at him as a toade, and cald him foule drinken sw • e, and warnd al our friends out of his company: now he is no body that cannot drinke super • agulum, carouse the Hunters hoop, quaffe vpsey freze crosse, with healthes, gloues, mumpes, frolickes, and a thousand such dominiering inuentions. He is reputed a pesaunt and a • oore that wil not take his licour profoundly. And you shall heare a Caualier of the first • eather, a princockes that was but a Page the other day in the Court, and now is all to be frenchi • ied in his Souldiers sute, stand vppon termes with Gods wounds you dishonour me sir, you do me the disgrace if you do not pledge me as much as I drunke to you: and in the midst of his cups stand vaunting his manhood: beginning euerie sentence, with when I first bore Armes, when he neuer bare any thing but his Lords rapier after him in his life. If he haue beene ouer and visited a towne of Garrison as a trauailer or passenger, he hath as great experience as the greatest Commander and chiefe Leader in England. A mightie deformer of mens manners and features, is this vnnecessary vice of all other. Let him bee indued with neuer so many vertues, and haue as much goodly proportion and fauour as nature can bestow vppon a man: yet if hee be thirstie after his owne destruction, and hath no ioy nor comfort, but when he is drowning his soule in a gallon pot, that one beastly imperfection, will vtterlie obscure all that is commendable in him: and all his good qualities sinke like lead down to the bottome of his carrowsing cups, where they will lie like lees and dregges, dead and vnregarded of any man.

Clim of the clough, thou that vsest to drinke nothing but scalding lead and sulpher in hell, thou art not so greedie of thy night geare. O, but thou hast a foule swallow, if it come once to carousing of humane blood, but thats but seldome once in seauen yeare, when theres a great execution, otherwise thou art • ide at rack and manger, and drinkest nothing but the Aqua vitae of vengeance all thy life time. The Prouer be giues it forth, thou art a knaue, and therefore I haue more hope thou art some manner of good fellowe: let mee intreate thee (since thou hast other iniquities inough to circumuent vs withall) to wipe this sin ou • of the catologue of thy subtilties;King Edgars ordinance against dri • king helpe to blast the U •• es that they may beare no more grapes, and sowre the wines in the cellers of Marchants storehouses, that our Countrey-men may not pisse out all their witte and thrift against the walles. King Edgar, because his subiects should not offend in swilling and bibbing, as they did, caused certaine yron-cups to be chained to euery fountaine and wells side, and at euery Uintners doore, with yron pinnes in them, to stinte euery man how much he should drinke:The wonderful abstinence of the Marques of Pisana yet liuing. and he that went beyond one of those pinnes forfeited a penny for euery draught. And if Stories were well searcht, I beleeue hoopes in qua • t pots were inuented to that ende, that euery man should take his hoope, and no more. I haue heard it iustified for a trueth by great Personages, that the olde Marquesse of Pisana (who yet liues) drinkes not once in seauen yeare: and I haue read of one Andron of Argos, that was so seldome thirstie, that he trauailed ouer the hote burning lands of Lybia, and neuer drank • . Then why should ou • colde Clime bring foorth such ster • e throates. A • e we more thirstie than Spaine and Italy where the Sunnes force is doubled? The Germaines and lowe Dutch, me thinkes should bee continually keept moyst with the foggie aire and stinking mistes that arise out of their fennie soyle: but as their Countrey is ouer-flowen with water, so are their heads alwaies ouer-flowen with wine, and in their bellies they haue standing quag-mires and • ogs of English beere.The 〈◊〉 lawes amongst drunkar • s

One of their breede it was that writ the Booke De Arte bibendi: a worshipfull treatise, fitte for none but Silenus and his Asse to set forth: besides that volume, we haue generall rules and iniunctions, as good as printed precepts, or Statutes set downe by Acte of Pa • liament that goe from drunkard to drunkard; as still to keepe your first man, not to leaue any flockes in the bottome of the cup, to knock the glasse on your thumbe when you haue done, to haue some shooing horne to pul on your wine, as a rasher of the coles, or a redde herring, to stirre it about with a candle sende to make it taste better, and not to holde your peace whiles the pot is stirring.

Nor haue we one or two kinde of drunkards onely,The 〈…〉 drunkennesse. but eight kindes. The first is Ape drunke, and he leapes, and sings, and hollowes, and daunceth for the heauens: the second is Lion drunke, and he flings the pots about the house, calls his Hostesse whore, breakes the glasse windowes with his dagger, and is apt to quarrell with any man that speaks to him: the third is Swine drunke, heauy, bumpish, and sleepie, and cries for a little more drinke, and a fewe more cloathes: the fourth is Sheepe drunke, wise in his owne conceipt, when he cannot bring foorth a right word, the fifth is Mawdlen drunke, when a fellowe will weepe for kindnes in the midst of his Ale, and kisse you, saying; By God Captaine I loue thee, goe thy waies thou dost not thinke so often of me as I do of thee, I would (if it pleased GOD) I could not loue thee so well as I doo, and then he puts his finger in his eie, and cries: the sixt is Martin drunke, when a man is drunke and drinkes himselfe soberere he s • irre: the seuenth is Goate drunke, when in his drunkennes he hath no minde but on Lechery: the eighth is Foxe drunke, when he is craftie drunke, as many of the Dutch men bee, will neuer bargaine but when they are drunke. All these species and more I haue seene practised in one Company at one sitting, when I haue beene permitted toremaine sober amongst them, onely to note their seuerall humors. Hee that plies any one of them harde, it will make him to write admirable ve •• es, to haue a deepe casting head, though hee were neuer so verie a Dunce before.

Gentlemen,The discommodities of drunkennesse. all you that will not haue your braines twis • sodden, your flesh rotten with the Dropsie, that loue not to goe in greasie dublets, stockings out at the heeles, and weare alehouse daggers at your backes, forsweare this slauering brauery, that will make you haue stinking breathes, and your bodies smell like Brewers aprons: rather keepe a snuffe in the bottome of the glasse to light you to bed withall, than leaue neuer an eye in your head to lead you ouer the threshould. It will bring you in your olde age to be companions with none but Porters and Car men, to talke out of a Cage, railing as drunken men are wont, a hundred boies wondering about them; and to die soda •• ly as Fol Long the Fencer did, drinking Aqua vitae. From which (as all the rest) good Lord deliuer Pierce Penilesse.

THe nurse of this enormitie (as of all euills) is Idlenes or sloth,The complaint of Sloth. which hauing no painfull Prouince to set himselfe a worke, runnes headlong with the 〈◊〉 in his owne hand into all lasciuiousnesse and sensualitie that may be. Men when they are idle, and know not what to do, saith one let vs goe to the Stilliard and drinke Rhenish wine. Nay, if a man knew where a good whorhouse were saith another, it were somwhat like. 〈◊〉 sa • th the third, let vs goe to a di • cing-house or a bowling alley, and there we shall haue some sport for our money. To one of these three, (at hand quoth pick-purse) your euill Angelship maister mani-headed beast conducts them, Vbi quid agitur betwixt you and their soules be it, for I am no Drawer, Box-keeper, or Pander, to be priuie to their sports. If I were to point Sloth, (as I am not seene in the sweetening) by Saint Iohn the Euangelist I sweare, I would draw it like a Stationer that I knowe, with his thumb vnder his girdle, who if a man come to his stall and aske him for a booke, neuer stirs his head, or looks vpon him, but stands stone still, and speakes not a word: onely with his little finger points backwards to his boy, who must be his interpreter, and so all the day gaping like a dumbe image he sits without motion, except at such times as he goes to dinner or supper: for then he is as quicke as other three, eating sixe times euery day.Videlicer, before he come out of his bed, then a se • breakfast, then dinner, then afternoons nunchings, a supper and a reresupper. If I would raunge abroad, and looke in at sluggards key holes, I should finde a number lying a bed to saue charges of ordinaries, in winter when they want string, losing halfe a weeks Commons together, to keepe them warme in the linnen. And hold you content, this Summer an vnder-meale of an afternoone long doth not amisse to exercise the eies withall. Fat men and Farmers sonnes that sweate much with eating harde cheese and drinking olde wine, must haue some more ease than yoong boyes that take their pleasure all day running vp and downe.

Setting iesting a side, I hold it a great disputable question which is a more euill man, of him that is an idle glutton at home,Which is • etter of the 〈◊〉 glutton, or vagrant vnthrift. or a retchlesse vnthrift abroad? The glutton at home doth nothing but engender diseases, pamper his flesh vnto last, and is good for none but his owne gut: the vnthrift abroad exerciseth his bodie at dauncing schoole, fence schoole, tennis, and all such recreations: the vintners, the victuallers, the dicing houses, and who not, get by him. Suppose he lose a little now and then at play, it teacheth him wit: and how should a man know to eschew vices, if his own experience did not acquaint him with their inconueniences? Omne ignotum pro magnifico est: that villany we haue made no assaies in, we admire. Besides, my vagrant Reueller haunts Plaies, & sharpens his wits with frequenting the company of Poets; he emboldens his blushing face by courting faire women on the sodaine, and looke into all Estates, by conuersing with them in publike places. Nowe tell me whether of these two, the heauie headed gluttonous house doue, or this liuelie wanton yoong Gallant, is like to prooue the wiser man, and better member in the Common-wealth. If my youth might not be thought partiall, the fine qualified Gentleman, although vnstaide, should carrie it cleane away from the lazie clownish droane.

Sloath in Nobilitie, Courtiers, Schollers, or any men is the chiefest cause that brings them in contempt.The effects of sloth. For as industrie and vnfatigable toyle rayseth meane persons from obscure houses to high thrones of authoritie: • o Sloath and sluggish securitye causeth proud Lords to tumble from the towers of their starrie discents, and • e crod vnder foote of euery inferiour Be sonian. Is it the loftie treading of a Galliard, or fine grace in telling of a loue tale amongst Ladies, can make a man reuerenst of the multitude? • o, they care not for the false glistering of gay garments, or insinuating curtesie of a carpet Peere: but they delight to see him shine in armour, and oppose himselfe to honourable daunger, to participate a voluntarie pen • rie with his Souldiers, and relieue part of their wants out of his owne purse. That is the course he that will be popular must take, which if he neglect, and sit dallying at home, nor will be awakt by any indignities out of his louedreame, but suffer euery vpstart groome to def • e him, set him at naught, and shake him by the beard vnreuengde, let him straight take orders, and be a Church-man, and then his patience may passe for a vertue: but otherwise, he shall be suspected of cowardise, and not car' • for of any. The onely enemie to Sloth, is contention and emulation;The means to auo • de de Sloth. as to propose one man to my selfe, that is the onely myrrour of out Age, and striue to out-go him in vertue. But this strife must be so tempered, that we fall not from the eagernesse of praise, to the enuying of their persons: for then wee leaue running to the goale of glorie, to spurue at a stone that lyes in our waye; and so did Atlanto in the middest of her course, stoope to take vp the golden Apple that her enemie scattered in her way, and was out-runne by Hippomenes. The contrarie to this contention and emulation, is securitie, peace, quiet, tra • quillitie, when we haue no aduersa •• to prie into our actions, no malicious eye, whose pursuing our priuate behauiour, might make vs more vigilant ouer our imperfections, than otherwise we would be.

That State or Kingdome that is in league with all the world, and hath no forraine sword to vere it, is not halfe to strong or confirmed to endure, as that which liues euery houre in feare o • inuasion. There is a certaine waste of the people for whome there 〈◊〉 no vse, but warre: and these men must haue some employment 〈◊〉 to cut them off: Nam si for as hostem non habent, domi inueni •• t. If they haue no seruice abroad, they will make mutinies at home. Or if the affayres of the State be such, as cannot exhale all these corrupt excrements, it is very expedient they haue some light toyes to busie their heads withall, cast before them as bones to gnaw vpon, which may keepe them from hauing leisure to intermeddle with higher matters.

To this effect,The defence of Playes. the pollicie of Playes is very necessary, howsoeuer some shallow-braind censures (not the deepest serchers into the secrets of gouernment) mightily oppugne them. For whereas the after-noone beeing idlest time of the day; wherein men that are their owne masters, (as Gentlemen of the Court, the Innes of the Courte, and the number of Captaines and Souldiers about London) do wholy bestow themselues vpo • pleasure, and that pleasure they deuide (howe vertuously it skils not) either into gameing, following of harlots, drinking, or seeing a Playe: is it not then better (since of foure extreames all the world cannot keepe them but they will choose one) that they should betake them to the least, which is Playes? Nay, what if I prooue Playes to be no extreame: but a rare exercise of vertue? First, for the subiect of them (for the most part) it is borrowed out of our English Chronicles, wherein our forefathers valiant acts (that haue li • e long buried inrustie brasse, and worme-eaten bookes) are reuiued, and they themselues raised from the Graue of Obliuion, and brought to pleade their aged Honours in open presence: than which, what can be a sharper reproofe to these degenerate effeminate dayes of ours.

How would it haue ioyed braue Talbot (the terror of the French) to thinke that after he had lyne two hundred yeares in his Tombe, hee should triumphe againe on the Stage, and haue his bones newe embalmed with the teares of ten thousand spectators at least, (at seuerall times) who in the Tragedian that represents his person, imagine they behold him fresh bleeding.

I will defend it against any Collian, or clubfisted Usurer of them all, there is no immortalitie, can be giuen a man on earth like vnto Playes. What talke I to them of immortalitie, that are the onely vnde • miners of Honour, and doe en • ie any man that is not sprung vp by base Brokerie like themselues. They care not if all the auncient houses were rooted out, so that like the Burgomasters of the Low-countries they might share the gouernment amongst them as State▪ and be quarter-maisters of our Monarchie. All Artes to them are vanitie: and if you tell them what a glorious thing it is to haue Henrie the fifth represented on the Stage leading the French King prisoner, and forcing both him and the Dolphin to sweare fealty. I, but (will they say) what do we get by it? Respecting neither the right of Fame that is due to true Nobilitie deceased, nor what hopes of eternitie are to be proposed to aduentrous mindes, to encourage them forward, but onely their execrable luker, and filthie vnquenchable auarice.

They know when they are dead they shall not be brought vpon the Stage for any goodnes, but in a merriment of the Usurer and the Diuel, or buying Armes of the Herald, who giues them the Lyon without tongue, tayle, or tallents, because his maister whome hee must serue is a Townesman, and a man of peace, and must not keepe any quarrelling beasts to annoy his honest neighbours.

In Playes,The vse of Playes. all co • sonages, all cunning drifts ouer-guylded with outward holinesse, all stratagems of warre, all the cankerwormes that breede on the rust of peace, are most liuely anatomiz'd: they shew the ill successe of treason, the fall of hastie climbers, the wretched end of vsurpers, the miserie of ciuill dissention, and how iust God is euermore in punishing of murther. And to proue euery one of these allegations, could I propound the circumstances of this play and that play, if I meant to handle this Theame otherwise than obiter. What should I say more? they are sower pils of reprehension wrapt vp in sweete words. Whereas some P • titioners of the Counsaile against them obiect, they corrupt the youth of the Cittie,The confutation of Citizens obiections aga •• st Players. and withdrawe Prentises from theyr worke; they beartily wishe they might bee troubled with none of their youth nor their prentises; for some of them (I meane the ruder handicrafts seruants) neuer came abroade, but they are in danger of vndoing: and as for corrupting them when they come, thats false; for no Play they haue, encourageth any man to tumults or rebellion, but layes before such the halter and the gallowes; or praiseth or approoueth pride, lust, whoredome, prodigalitie, or drunkennes, but beates them downe vtterly. As for the hindrance of Trades and Traders of the Citie by them, that is an Article foysted 〈◊〉 by the Uintners, Alewiues, and Uictuallers, who surmise if there were no Playes, they should haue all the companie that resort to them, lye bowzing and beere-ba • hing in their houses euery after-noone. Nor • o, nor so, good brother bottle-ale, for there are other places besides where money can bestow it selfe: the signe of the smock will wipe your mouth cleane; and yet I haue heard yee haue made her a tenant to your tap-houses. But what shall hee doo that hath spent himselfe? where shall hee haunt? Faith, when Dice, Lust, and Drunkennesse, and all haue dealt vpon him, if there be neuer a Playe for him to goe too for his pennie, he sits melancholie in his Chamber, deuising vpon felonie or treason, and howe he may best exalt himselfe by mischiefe.

In Augustus time (who was the Patron of all wittie sports) there happened a great Fraie in Rome about a Player, insomuch as all the Cittie was in an vprore: wherevpon, the Emperour (after the broyle was somewhat ouer-blowne) calde the Player before him, and askt what was the reason that a man of his qualitie, durst presume to make such a brawle about nothing. Hee smilinglye replyde, It is good for thee O Caesar, that the peoples heads are troubled with brawles and quarrels about vs and our light matters:A Players wittie answere to Augustus. for otherwise they would looke into thee and thy matters. Read Lipsius or any prophane or Christian Polititian, and you shall finde him of this opinion. Out Players are not as the players beyond sea, a sort of squirting baudie Comedians, that haue whores and common Curtizens to playe womens partes, and forbeare no immodest speech,A comparison twixt our Plaier • and the Players beyond the Sea. or vnchast action that may procure laughter, but our Sceane is more statelye furnisht than euer it was in the time of Roscius, our representations honourable, and full of gallant resolution, not consisting like theirs of Pantaloun, a Whore, and a Zanie, but of Emperours, Rings and Princes: whose true Tragedies (Sophocleo cothu • no) they do vaunt.

Not Roscius nor Aesope those admyred tragedians that hau • liued euer since before Christ was borne, could euer performe more in action,The due commendation of Ned Allen. than famous Ned Allen. I must accuse our Poets of sloth and partialitie that they will not boast in large impressions what worthy men (aboue all Nations) England affoords. Other Cou • tries cannot haue a Fidler breake a string, but they will put it in print, and the old Romanes in the writings they published, thought scorne to vse any but domestical examples of their owne hom-bred Actors, Schollers and Champions, and them they would extoll to the third and fourth Generation: Coblers, Tinkers, Fencers, none escapt them, but they mingled them all in one Eallimafrey of glory.

Heere I haue vsed a like Method, not of tying my selfe to mine owne Countrie, but by insisting in the experience of our time: and if I euer write any thing in Latine,) as I hope one day I shall) not a man of any desert here amongst vs, but I will haue vp. Tarlton, Ned Allen, Knell, Bentlie, shall be made knowne to France, Spaine, and Italie: and not a part that they surmounted in, more than other, but I will there note and set downe, with the manner of theyr habites and attyre.

THe childe of Sloath is Lecherie,The seuenth and last complaint of Lecherie. which I haue plat't last in my order of handling: a sinne that is able to make a man wicked that should describe it; for it hath more starting holes, than a fiue hath holes, more Clyents than Westminster-hall, more diseases than Newgate. Call a Lee • e at Byshopsgate, and examine how euery second house in Shorditch is maintayned: make a priuie search in Southwarke, and tell me how many Shee-Inmat • s you finde: naye, goe where you will in the Suburbes, and bring me two Uirgins that haue vowd Chastitie, and Ile builde a Nunnerie.

Westminster, Westminster, much maydenhead hast thou to answere for at the day of Iudgement, thou hadst a Sanctuarie in thee once, but hast few Saints left in thee now. Surgeons and Apothecaries, you know what I speake is true: for you liue (like Sumners) vpon the sinnes of the people; tell me, is there anye place so lewde as this Ladie London? not a Wench soeuer creepes out of the shell, but she is of the Religion Some wiues will sowe Mandrake in their gardens, and crosse-neighborhood with them is counted goodfellowship.

The Court I dare not touch, but surely there (as in the Heauens) be many falling starres, and but one true Diana. Consuetudo peccandi, tollit sensum peccati, Custome is a Lawe, and Luste holdes it for a Lawe, to liue without Lawe. Lais that had so manie Poets to her Louers, could not alwayes preserue her beauty with their praises. Marble will weare away with much raine: Gold will rust with moyst keeping: and the richest garments are subiect to Times Moath-frets, Clitemnestra, that slew her husband to enioye the Adulterer Aegistus, and bathde her selfe in Milke euery day to make her yoong againe, had a time when shee was ashamed to viewe her selfe in a looking Glasse, and her body withered, her minde being greene. The people pointed at her for a murtherer, yoong children howted at her as a strumpet: shame, misery, sicknesse, beggery, is the best end of vncleannesse.

Lais, Cleopatra, Helen, if our Clyme hath any such, noble Lord warden of the witches and iuglers, I commend them with the rest of our vncleane siffers in Shorditch, the Spittle, Southwarke, Westminster, & Turnbull streete, to the protection of your Portership: hoping you will speedily carrie them to hell, there to keepe open house for all young Diuels that come, and not let our ayre bee contaminated with theyr six-pennie damnation any longer.