TEXT ſtand to the Barre. Peace there belowe. Albeit for theſe twelue or thirteene yeares no man hath beene more loath or more ſcrupulous than my ſelfe &c.

The body of mee hee begins like a proclamation: ſufficeth it wee knowe you your minde though you ſay no more.

Is not this your drift? you would haue the worlde ſuppoſe you were vrgde to that which proceeded of your owne good nature: like ſome that will ſeeme to bee intreated to take a high place of preferment vppon them, which priuilie before they haue prayde and payde for, and put all their ſtrength to clymbe vp to.

You would foiſt in non cauſam pro cauſa, haue it thought your flight from your olde companions obſcuritie and ſilence was onely with Aeneas to carry your Father on your backe through the fire of ſlaunder, and by that ſhift with a falſe plea of patience vniuſtly driuen from his kingdome, filch away the harts of the Queenes liege people.

The backe of thoſe creple excuſes I haue broke in the beginning of my booke, if you haue anie new infringement to deſtitute the inditement of forgerie that I bring againſt you, ſo it is.

I THAT IN MY YOVTH FLATTERD NOT MY SELFE VVITH THE EXCEEDING COMMENDATION OF THE GREATEST SCHOLLER IN THE VVORLD, &c.

Ille ego qui quondam gracili modulatus auena.

Ah neighbourhood, neighbourhood, dead and buried art thou with Robinhood, a poore creature here is faine to commend himſelfe, for want of friendes to ſpeake for him.

Not the leaſt, but the greateſt Schollers in the VVORLD, haue not only but exceedingly fedde him fat in his humor of Braggadochio Glorioſo.

Lamentable, lamentable, that an indifferent vntoward ciuill Lawyer, who hath read Plutarch De vtilitate capienda ab inimicis, & can talke of Titius and Semprouius, ſhould be no more ſet by, but SET BY, thruſt aſide, while his betters carry the bredth of the ſtreet before them.

Miſery will humble the haughtieſt heart in the world: Habemus reum confitentē, he confeſſeth himſelf a ſinner in vnſufficiency, yet for all that the aduerſitie of vniuerſall obloquy hath laide a heauie hande on him, ſtill he retaineth (like conceald land) ſome part of his proud mind in a beggers purſe, ſcorneth to ſay Fortune my foe, or aske a good word for Gods ſake of anie man.

In the plainneſſe of his puft vp nature, he will defie anie man that dare accuſe him of that he is.

VVhy, why, infractiſsime PISTLEPRAGMOS, though you were yong in yeares, freſh in courage, greene in experience, and ouer-weaning in conceipt (we will refuſe nothing that you giue vs) when you priuately wrote the letters, that afterward (by no other but your ſelfe) were publiquely diuulged; yet when the bladder is burſt that held you vp ſwimming in ſelfe loue, you muſt not be diſcontented though you ſink.

I haue toucht the vlcer of your Oratourſhip, in requiting the nick-name of The Deuils Oratour. An Vlcer you may well chriſten it, as an vlcer is a ſwelling, for it was a ſwelling of ambition, no modest petition of anie merit of yours that did craue it.

The olde Foxe Doctour Perne throughly diſcouered you for a yoong Foppe, or elſe halfe a word of our high Chauncelors commendation had ſtood with him inuiolable as an Act of Parlament.

Great men in writing to thoſe they are acquainted with, haue priuie watch-words of denyal, euen in the higheſt degree of praiſing; they haue many followers, whoſe dutifull ſeruice muſt not bee diſgrac'd with a bitter repulſe in anie ſuite though vnlawfull.

It may bee ſome of theſe long deſeruers of his followers labourd him for thee, hee like Argus hauing eyes that pierce into all eſtates, ſaw thee when thou wert vnſeene of thy ſelfe, and knowing thee to bee vnworthy of any place of worth, would not diſcountenance his men in ſo ſmal a matter, but writ for thee very vehemently outwardly, when the ſoule of his letter (into which thy ſhallowe braine could not deſcend) included thy vtter miſlike.

Yong bloud is hot, youth hastie, ingenuitie open, abuſe impatient, choller ſtomachous temptations buſie. In a word, the Gentleman was vext, and cutte his bridle for verie anger.

The tickling and ſtirring inuectiue vaine, the puffing and ſwelling Satiricall ſpirit came vpon him, as it came on Coppinger and Arthington, when they mounted into the peaſe-cart in Cheape-ſide and preacht: needes hee muſt caſt vp certayne crude humours of Engliſh Hexameter Verſes that lay vppon his ſtomacke, a Noble-man ſtoode in his way as he was vomiting, and from top to toe he all to berayd him with Tuſcaniſme.

The Mappe of Cambridge lay not farre off when he was in the depth of his drudgery, ſome part of the excrements of his anger fell vpon it: poore Doctour Pernes picture ſtoode in a corner of that Mappe, and by the misdemeanour of his mouth it was cleane defac'd.

Signior Immeritò (ſo called, becauſe he was and is his friend vndeſeruedly) was counterfeitly brought in to play a part in that his Enterlude of Epiſtles that was hiſt at, thinking his very name (as the name of Ned Allen on the common ſtage) was able to make an ill matter good.

I durſt on my credit vndertake, Spencer was no way priuie to the committing of them to the print. Committing I may well call it, for in my opinion G. H. ſhould not haue reapt ſo much diſcredite by beeing committed to Newgate, as by committing that miſbeleeuing proſe to the Preſſe.

I haue vſually ſeene vncircumciſed doltage haue the porch of his Pa • im pilfries very hugely peſtred with praiſes. Hay gee (Gentlemen) comes in with his Plowmans whiſtle in prayſe of Peter Scurfe the penne-man, and Turlery ginkes in a light foote Iigge libels in commendation of little witte verie loftily: but for an Author to renounce his Chriſtendome to write in his owne commendation, to refuſe the name which his Godfathers and Godmothers gaue him in his baptiſme, and call himſelfe a welwiller to both the writers, when hee is the onely writer himſelfe; with what face doe you thinke hee can aunſwere it at the day of iudgement? Eſt in te facies ſunt apti luſibus anni, Gabriell, thou canſt play at faſt and looſe as well as anie man in England.

I will not lye or backbite thee as thou haſt done mee, but are not theſe thy wordes to the curteous Buyer.

Shew mee or Immerito two Engliſh letters in print, in all pointes equall to theſe, both for the matter it ſelfe, and alſo for the manner of handling, and ſay wee neuer ſaw good Engliſh in our liues.

Againe, I eſteeme them for two of the rarest and finest treaties, as well for ingenuous deuiſing, as ſignificant vttering, & cleanly conueying of his matter, that euer I read in this tongue, & I hartily thank God for beſtowing vpon vs ſuch proper and able men with their penne.

You muſt conceit hee was in his chamber-fellowe welwillers cloke when he ſpake this, the white-liuerd ſlaue was modeſt, and had not the hart to ſay ſo much in his owne perſon, but he muſt put on the vizard of an vndiſcreete friend.

It is not worth the rehearſal, he ſcribled it in ieaſt for exerciſe of his ſpeech and ſtile, &c. and it was the ſiniſter hap of thoſe vnfortunate letters to be derided & ſcoft at throughout the whole realme.

The ſharpest part of them were read ouer at Counſell Table, and he referd ouer to the Fleet to beare his old verſe-fellow noble M. Ʋalanger company.

There was no remedie for it but melancholy patience.

A recantation he was glad to make by way of articles or poſitions, which hee moderates with a milder name of an apologie, & that recantation purchaſt his libertie. VVherefore in gratefull lieu of the benefit he receiu'd by it (although he hath hitherto vnworthily ſuppreſt it) yet he means to take occaſion by this extraordinary prouocation to publiſh it, with not ſo few as fortie ſuch Academicall exerciſes, and ſundrie other politike diſcourſes.

And I deeme he will be as good as his word, for euer yet it hath beene his wont, if he writ but a letter to any friend of his, in the way of thanks for the potte of butter, gāmon of bacon, or cheeſe that he ſent him, ſtraight to giue coppies of it abroad in the world, and propound it to yong gentlemen he came in company with, as a more neceſſary & refined methode of familiar Epiſtles than the Engliſh tongue hath hitherto been priuy to.

Lord that men ſhoulde bee ſo malitiouſly bent to frame a matter of ſome thing, he takes a pleaſurable delight to behaue himſelf ſo that he may be laught at, how would you prate and inſult if you knewe as much by him, as he knows by himſelfe.

Naſhe do thy worſt, the three brothers bid a Fico for thee, diſcommend thou them neuer ſo much, they will palpably praiſe, and ſo conſequently diſpraiſe themſelues more in one booke they ſet foorth, than thou canſt diſparage them in tenne: yea, rather than faile, Maiſter Bird ſhall leaue coppying out letters of newes, and meeter it miſchieuouſly in maintenance of their ſcurnlitiſhip and ruditie.

Three to one parma foy is oddes, not one of them writes an Almanacke, but hee reckons vp all his brothers.

Bee it ſpoken heere in priuate; Muſa Richardetti fatrizat ſat bene pretty: The Muſe of dappert Dickie doth ſing as ſweet as a cricket.

Nostimanum & ſtilum Gabriel it is thine own verſe in Aedes Ʋaldinenſes, all ſaue the inſerting of pretty in ſtead of certè for rimes ſake.

Had Phiſition Iohn liu'd, or not dyde a little afore Dog-dayes, a ſinode of Piſpots would haue concluded, that Pierce Pennileſſe ſhould be confoūded without repriue.

The Spanyards cald their inuaſiue fleete agaynſt England the Nauie inuincible, yet it was ouercome. Lowe ſhrubbes haue outliu'd high Cedars, one true man is ſtronger than two theeues, Gabriell & Richard I proclaime open warres with you: March on, Iocus, Ludus, Lepos, my valiaunt men at armes, and forrage the frontiers of his Fantasticallitie, as you haue begun.

Tubalcan aliâs Tuball, firſt founder of Farriers Hall, heere is a great complaint made, that vtriúſque Academiae Robertus Greene hath mockt thee, becauſe hee ſaide, that as thou wert the firſt inuenter of Muſicke, ſo Gabriell Howliglaſſe was the firſt inuenter of Engliſh Hexameter verſes. Quid reſpondes? canſt thou brooke it yea or no? Is it any treaſon to thy well tuned hammers to ſay they begat ſo renowmed a childe as Muſicke? Neither thy hammers nor thou I know if they were put to their booke oaths will euer ſay it.

The Hexamiter verſe I graunt to be a Gentleman of an auncient houſe (ſo is many an engliſh begger) yet this Clyme of ours hee cannot thriue in; our ſpeech is too craggy for him to ſet his plough in, hee goes twitching and hopping in our language like a man running vpon quagmiers vp the hill in one Syllable and down the dale in another, retaining no part of that ſtately ſmooth gate, which he vaunts himſelfe with amongſt the Greeks and Latins.

Homer, and Ʋirgil, two valorous Authors, yet were they neuer knighted, they wrote in Hexameter verſes: Ergo, Chaucer, and Spencer the Homer and Ʋirgil of England, were farre ouerſeene that they wrote not all their Poems in Hexamiter verſes alſo.

In many Countries veluet and Satten is a commoner weare than cloth amongſt vs, Ergo wee muſt leaue wearing of cloth, and goe euerie one in veluet and ſatten, becauſe other Countries vſe ſo.

The Text will not beare it good Gilgilis Hebberdehoy.

Our engliſh tongue is nothing too good, but too bad to imitate the Greeke and Latine.

Maſter Stannyhurst (though otherwiſe learned) trod a foule lumbring boyſtrous wallowing meaſures in his tranſlation of Ʋirgil. He had neuer been praiſd by Gabriel for his labour, if therein hee had not bin ſo famouſly abſurd.

Greene for diſpraiſing his practiſe in that kinde, Is the Greene Maiſter of the blacke Art, the Founder of vglie oathes the father of miſbegotten Infortunatus, the Scriuener of Croſſebiters, the Patriark of Shifters, &c.

The Monarch of Croſſebiters, the wretched fellowe Prince of Beggars, Emperour of Shifters, hee had cald him before, but like a drunke man that remembers not in the morning what he ſpeakes ouernight, ſtill he fetcheth Metaphors from Conny-catchers, & doth nothing but torment vs with tautologies.

Why thou arrant butter whore, thou cotqueane, & ſcrattop of ſcoldes, wilt thou neuer leaue afflicting a dead Carcaſſe, continually read the rethorick lecture of Ramme-Allie? a wiſpe, a wiſpe, a wiſpe, rippe, rippe you kitchin ſtuffe wrangler.

VVert thou put in the Fleete for pamphleting? Bedlem were a meeter place for thee. Be not aſhamd of your promotion, they did you honor that ſaid you were Fleete-bound, for men of honor haue ſailde in that Fleete.

VVaſt paper made thee betake thy ſelfe to Limbo Patrum, had it beene a booke that had beene vendible, yet, the opproby had beene the leſſe, but for Chandlers merchandize to be ſo maſſacred; for ſheets that ſerue for nothing but to wrappe the excrements of huſwiuerie in, Proh Deum, what a ſpite is it. I haue ſeene your name cutte with a knife in a wall of the Fleete I: when I went to viſit a friend of mine there. Let Maiſter Butler of Cambridge his teſtimoniall end this controuerſie, who at that time that thy ioyes were in the Fleeting, and thou crying for the Lords ſake out at an iron windowe, in a lane not farre from Ludgate hill, queſtiond ſome of his companions verie inquiſitiuelie that were newlie come from London, what nouelties they brought home with them, amongſt the reſt he broke into this Hexamiter interrogatory very abruptlie.

Iſt true Gibraltar, haue I found you, It was not without foundatiō that you burſt into that magnifical inſultation, I THAT IN MY YOVTH FLATTERD NOT MY SELFE, &c. for M. Butler for a Phiſition being none of the leaſt Schollers, hath commended you exceedingly for a foole & a Rimer. He that threatned to coniure vp Martins wit, hath written ſome thing too in your praiſe in Pap-hatchet, for all you accuſe him to haue courtlie incenſt the Earle of Oxford againſt you. Marke him well, hee is but a little fellow, but hee hath one of the beſt wits in England. Should he take thee in hand againe (as he flieth from ſuch inferiour concertation) I prophecie that there woulde more gentle Readers die of a merrie mortality ingendred by the eternal ieſts he would maule theee with, than there haue done of this laſt infection. I my ſelf that inioy but a mite of wit in compariſon of his talēt, in pure affection to my natiue country, make my ſtile carry a preſſe ſaile, am fain to cut off half the ſtreame of thy ſport-breeding confuſion, for feare it ſhoulde cauſe a generall hicket throughout England. Greene I can ſpare thy reuenge no more roome in this book, thou haſt Phiſitiō Iohn with thee, cope thou with him & let me alone with the Ciuilian & Deuine, whom if I liue I will ſo vnceſſantly haunt, that to auoid the hot chaſe of my fierie quill, they ſhalbe conſtraind to enſconſe themſelues in an olde Vrinall caſe that their brother left behind him. Yet ere I bid thee good night, receiue ſome notes as touching his phiſicallity deceaſed. He had his grace to be Doctor ere he died. As time may worke all things. In Norfolke where hee practiſed he was reputed a proper toward man at a medecine for the toothake, & one of the skilfulleſt Phiſitions in caſting the heauens water that euer came there.

How well beloued of the chiefeſt Gentlemen (& Gentlewomen eſpecially) in that ſhire, it is incredible to bee ſpoken. Aſtra petit diſertus, hee is gone to heauen to write more Aſtrologicall diſcourſes, his brothers liue to inherite his olde gownes, and remember his notable ſayings, amongſt the which this was one: Ʋale Galene, farewell mine owne deare Gabriell: Valete humanae artes, heart and good will, but neuer a ragge of money.

Tunc tuares agitur paries cum proximus ardet.

Cloth-breeches houſe is burnt, and the flame goes a feaſting to Pierce Pennileſſe houſe next.

Neuer til now, Gregory Habberdine, went thy foure letters vp Newgate, vp Holburne, vp Tiburne, to hanging.

Gentlemen, by that which hath been already laid open, I doe not doubt but you are vnwaueringly reſolued, this indigeſted Chaos of Doctourſhip, and greedy pothunter after applauſe, is an apparant Publican and ſinner, a ſelfe-loue ſurfetted ſot, a broken-winded galdbacke Iade, that hath borne vp his head in his time, but now is quite foundred & tired, a ſcholer in nothing but the ſcum of ſchollerſhip, a ſtale ſoker at Tullies Offices, the droane of droanes, and maiſter drumble-bee of non proficients. VVhat hath he wrote but hath had a wofull end? VVhen did he diſpute but hee duld all his auditorie? his Poetry more ſpiritleſſe than ſmal beere, his Oratory Arts baſtard, not able to make a man rauiſhingly weepe, that hath an Onion at his eye. In Latin like a louſe he hath manie legges, many lockes fleec'd from Tullie to carry away and cloath a little body of matter, but yet hee moues but ſlowly, is apparaild verie poorely.

In Engliſh, ice is not ſo cold, yet on the ice of ignorance will he ſlide. No wiſe man pittie him that periſheth ſo wilfully.

Iudge the world, iudge the higheſt Courts of appeale from the miſcarried worlds iudgement (Cambridge and Oxford) wherein I haue treſpaſſed in Pierce Pennileſſe, that hee ſhoulde talke of gnaſhing of teeth, yong Phaetons, yong Icari, yong Chorebi, young Babingtons.

Neuer was I in earneſt til thus he twitted me with the compariſon of a traitour.

Babington, high was thy birth, I a bondſlaue of fortune in compariſon of thee, thy fall greater than Phaetons, thy offence as heynous as Iudaſſes. May neuer more ſuch foule ſeeds of offence be ſowne in ſo faire a ſhape, may they be markt alwayes to miſchiefe that meane as thou didſt. The braunches of thy ſtocke remaines yet vnblaſted with anie diſobedience. God forbid that our forheades ſhould for euer bee blotted with our forefathers miſdemeanors. Die ill deeds with your vngratious ill dooers, the liuing haue no portion with the dead, hell once paid his due, heauen gates are open to ſucceeding poſteritie.

Prate of Pierce Pennileſſe and his paltrie as long as thou wilt, I will play at put-pinne with thee for all that thou art woorth, but of thy betters gette thee a better diſcourſing penne before thou deſcantes of.

L. Greenes inwardeſt companion pinched with want, vexed with diſcredit, tormented with other mens felicitie, and ouer-whelmed with his owne miſerie, in a rauing and frantike moode, moſt deſperately exhibiteth a Supplication to the Deuill.

C. Heerein thou thinkſt thou haſt won the ſpurs from all writers, but God and Dame Fiction knows thou art farre wide of thy ayme; for neither was I Greenes companion any more than for a carowſe or two, nor pincht with any vngentleman-like want, when I inuented Pierce Pennileſſe.

Pauper non eſt cui rerum ſuppetit vſus: only the diſcontented meditation of learning generally now a dayes little valued, and her profeſſors ſet at naught & diſhartened, cauſed mee to handle that plaintife ſubiect more ſeriouſly.

Ʋext with diſcredit (Gabriel) I neuer was as thou haſt beene euer ſince Familiaritas peperit contemptū, thy familiar epiſtles brought thee in contempt.

Though I haue beene pinched with want (as who is not at one time or another Pierce Penileſſe) yet my muſe neuer wept for want of maintenance as thine did in Muſarum lachrimae, that was miſerably ſlouted at in M. Winkfields Comoedie of Pedantius in Trinitie Colledge.

How am I tormented with other mens felicitie, otherwiſe thā ſaying, I know a Cobler that was worth fiue hundred pound, an hoſtler that had built a goodly Inne, & might diſpend forty pound yearely by his land, a Carman that had whipt a thouſand pound out of his horſe taile; if I had likewiſe reckond vp a ropemaker, that by tormenting of hempe, & going backward (which the Deuill would nere doe) had turnd as many Mill ſixpences ouer the thumbe, as kept three of his ſonnes at Cambridge a long time, & that which is more, three proud ſonnes, that when they met the hangman (their Fathers beſt chapman) would ſcarſe put of their hats to him, why then thou ſhouldſt haue had ſome colour of quarell, thy accuſatiō might iuſtly haue enterd his title pro aris & focis, whereas now it is friuolous and forceleſſe.

The ſharpeſt wits I perceiue haue none of the beſt memories, if they had, thou wouldſt nere haue toucht mee with tormenting my ſelfe with other mens felicitie; for how didſt thou torment thy ſelfe with other mens felicitie, when in the 28. Page of thy firſt tomo of Epiſtles thou exclaimſt that in no age ſo little was ſo much made of, nothing aduaunſt to be ſomething, Numbers made of Ciphars, that is by interpretatiō, all thoſe that were aduaunſt either in the Court or commonwealth at that time, had little to commend them, nothing in account worthy preferment, but were meere meacocks & Ciphars in compariſon of thy excellent out-caſt ſelfe that liu'dſt at Cambridge vnmounted.

Hang thee, hang thee, thou common cooſener of curteous readers, thou groſſe ſhifter for ſhitten tapſterly ieſts, haue I imitated Tarltons play of the ſeauen deadly ſinnes in my plot of Pierce Penileſſe? whom haſt thou not imitated then in the courſe of thy booke? thou haſt borrowed aboue twenty phraſes and epithites from mee, which in ſober ſadneſſe thou makſt vſe of as thy owne, when thou wouldſt exhort more effectuall.

Is it lawfull but for one preacher to preach of the ten commandements? hath none writ of the fiue ſenſes but Ariſtotle? was ſinne ſo vtterly aboliſhed with Tarltons play of the ſeuen deadly ſins, that ther could be nothing ſaid ſupra of that argument?

Canſt thou exemplifie vnto mee (thou impotent mo • te-catching carper) one minnum of the particular deuice of his play that I purloind? There be manie men of one name that are nothing a kindred. Is there any further diſtribution of ſins, not ſhadowed vnder theſe 7. large ſpreading branches of iniquity, on which a man may worke, and not tread on Tarletons heeles. If not, what blemiſh is it to Pierce Pennileſſe to begin where the Stage doth ende, to build vertue a Church on that foundation that the Deuill built his Chappell.

Gabriell, if there bee anie witte or induſtrie in thee, now I will dare it to the vttermoſt: write of what thou wilt, in what language thou wilt, and I will confute it and anſwere it. Take truths part, and I wil proue truth to be no truth, marching out of thy dūg-voiding mouth.

Diuinitie I except, which admits no dalliance: but in any other art or profeſſion, of which I am not yet free, and thou ſhalt challenge me to trie maiſtries in, Ile bind my ſelfe Prentiſe too; and ſtudie throughly, though it neuer ſtande mee in any other ſtead while I liue but to make one reply, only becauſe I wil haue the laſt word of thee.

I would count it the greateſt puniſhment that In ſpeech could lay vpon mee, to be bound to ſtudie the Daniſh tongue, which is able to make any Engliſhman haue the mumpes in his mouth, that ſhall but plunge through one full point of it, yet the Daniſh tongue, or any Turks, or hogs, or dogs tongue whatſoeuer would I learne rather than bee put downe by ſuch a ribauldry Don Diego as thou art.

Heigh drawer, fil vs a freſh quart of new-found phraſes, ſince Gabriell ſaies we borrow all our eloquence from Tauerns: but let it be of the mighty Burdeaux grape, pure vino de monte I coniure thee, by the ſame token that the Deuils dauncing ſchoole in the bottome of a mans purſe that is emptie, hath beene a gray-beard Prouerbe two hundred yeares before Tarlton was borne: Ergo no gramercy Dicke Tarlton. But the ſumme of ſummes is this, I drinke to you M. Gabriell, on that condition, that you ſhall not excruciate your braine to be conceited and haue no wit.

Since we are here on our prating bench in a cloſe roome, and that there is none in company but you my approoued good friends foure Letters and certain Sonnets your Pages; I will rehearſe vnto you ſome part of the Methode of my demeanour in Pierce Pennileſſe.

Firſt, inſomuch as the principall ſcope of it is a moſt liuelie anatomie of ſinne, the diuell is made ſpeciall ſuperuiſor of it, to him it is dedicated, as if a man ſhoulde compile a curious examined diſcouerie of whoredome, and dedicate it to the quarter Maiſters of Bridewell, becauſe they are beſt able to puniſh it.

Wherfore as there is no fire without ſome ſmoke; no complaint without ſome precedent cauſe of aggreeuance; I introduce in a diſcontented Scholler vnder the perſon of Pierce Pennileſſe, tragicallie exclaiming vpon his partial-eid fortune, that kept an Almes boxe of compaſſion in ſtore for euery one but him-ſelfe. He tels how he toſt his imagination like a a dogge in a blanket, ſearcht euerie corner of the houſe of Charitie to ſee if he could light on any that would ſet a new nappe of an old threedbare Cloake: but like him that hauing a letter to deliuer to a Scottiſh Lorde, when hee came to his houſe to enquire for him found no bodie at home but an ape that ſate in the Porch and made mops and mows at him; ſo he deliuering his vnperuſde papers to Powles Churchyard, the firſt that took them vp was the Ape Gabriel, who made mops and mows at them, beſlauering the outſide of them a little, but coulde not enter into the contents, which was an aſe beyonde his vnderſtanding.

VVith the firſt and ſecond leafe hee plaies verie pretilie, and in ordinarie termes of extenuating, verdits Pierce Pennileſſe for a Grammer Schoole wit; ſaies his Margine is as deepelie learnd as Fauſte praecor gelida, that his Muſe ſobbeth and groneth verie piteouſlie, bids him not caſt himſelf headlong into the horrible gulph of deſperation, comes ouer him that hee is a creature of wonderfull hope as his own inſpired courage diuinely ſuggeſteth, wils him to inchaunt ſome magnificent Mecenas to honour himſelfe in honouring him, with a hundred ſuch grace wanting Ironies cutte out againſt the woll, that woulde ieopard the beſt ioint of Poetica licentia to procure laughter, when there crinckled crabbed countenance (the verie reſemblance of a ſodden dogges face) hath ſworne it woulde neuer conſent therevnto.

Not the moſt exquiſite thing that is, but the Coūſel Table Aſſe Richard Clarke, may ſo Carterly deride.

Euerie Milke-maide can gird, with Iſt true? How ſaie you lo? who would haue thought it? Good Beare bite not? A man is a man though hee hath but a hoſe on his head.

No ſuch light paiment Gabriel haſt thou at my hands; I tell thee where, when, and how thou ſhewdſt thy ſelfe a Dunſinall.

Onely externall defects thou caſts in my diſh, nothing internall in thee, but I prooue that it is altogether excrementall.

A fewe Elegeicall verſes of mine thou pluckeſt in pieces moſt ruthfullie, and quotes them againſt mee as aduantageable, together with ſome diſmembred Margine notes, but all is inke caſt away, you recouer no coſts and charges. With one minutes ſtudie Ile deſtroie more, than thou art able to build in ten daies.

Squeiſe thy heart into thy inkehorne, and it ſhall but congeal into clodderd garbage of confutatiō, thy ſoule hath no effects of a ſoule, thou canſt not ſprinkle it into a ſentence, & make euerie line leape like a cup of neat wine new powred out, as an Orator muſt doe that lies aright in wait for mens affections.

VVhome haſt thou wonne to hate mee by light crawling ouer my Text like a Cankerworme.

Some ſuperficial ſlime of poiſon haſt thou driueld from thy pen in thy ſhallow footed ſliding through my Supplication, which one pen ful of repurified inke will exceſſiuelie waſh out. Shall I informe thee (that vnfruitfullie endeuorſt to informe authoritie againſt me) why I infixed thoſe Poeticall latine margēt notes to ſome fewe pages in the beginning of Pierce Pennileſſe? I did it to explaine to ſuch expected ſpiefaults as thou art, that it was no vncouth abhorrencie from the cuſtome of former writers, for a man openly to bewaile his vndeſerued ill deſtenie.

In the vncaſing of thy brother Richard, I calculated the Natiuitie of the Astrologicall Diſcourſe, I apparentlie ſuggeſted what a lewd piece of Prophecie it was, I regiſtred the infinite ſcorne that the whole Realme intertaind it with, the Adages that ran vpon it, Tarltons and Eldertons nigrum THETA ſet to it, yet wilt thou that art the ſonne and heire to ſhameleſſe impudence, the vnlineall vſurper of iudgement from all his true owners, the HOYDEN and pointing ſtock recreation of Trinitie hall, Ʋanitas vanitatis & omnia vanitas, inueſt that in the higheſt throne of Art and Schollerſhip, which aſcrutinie of ſo manie millions of wel diſcerning condemnations hath concluded to be viler, than newes mungrie, & that which is vileſt of all, no leſſe vile than thy Epiſtles.

Moſt voices, moſt voices, moſt voices; who is on my ſide who? VVhether is the Astrologicall Diſcourſe a better booke than Pierce Pennileſſe? Gabriel hangtelow ſaies it is, I am the Defendant, and denie it, and yet I doe not ouercull my owne workes: His aſſetrion he countermures thus.

Pierce Pennileſſe is a man better acquainted with the Diuels of hell, than the Starres of Heauen: Ergo, the Astrologicall Diſcourſe is better than the notorious diabolicall diſcourſe of Pierce Pennileſſe.

Once againe I denie his Argument to bee of lawfull age. Pierce Pennileſſe is a better Starmunger than a Diuelmunger, which needeth no other FOR to corroberate it but this, that my yea, at all times is as good as his nay.

How is the Supplication a diabolicall Diſcourſe, otherwiſe than as it intreats of the diuerſe natures and properties of Diuels and ſpirits; in that far fetcht ſenſe may the famous defenſatiue againſt ſuppoſed Prophecies; and the Diſcouerie of Witchcraft be called notorious Diabolicall diſcourſes, as well as the Supplication, for they alſo intreate of the illuſions and ſundrie operations of ſpirits: Likewiſe may I ſay that thoſe his foure Letters nowe on their triall are foure notorious lowſie Diſcourſes, becauſe they lyingly diſcourſe little elſe ſaue Greenes lowſie eſtate before his death.

M. Churchyard our old quarrel is renued when nothing elſe can bee faſtned on mee, this Letter leapper vpbraideth mee with crying you mercie, I cannot tell, but I think you will haue a ſaying to him for it. Ther's no reaſon that ſuch a one as he ſhould preſume to intermeddle in your matters, it cannot be done with any intent but to ſtirre mee vp to write againſt you a freſh, which nothing vnder heau'n ſhall draw mee to doe. I loue you vnfainedly, and admire your aged Muſe, that may well be grand-mother to our grand-eloquenteſt Poets at this preſent.

Shores wife is yong, though you be ſtept in yeares, in her ſhall you liue when you are dead.

For that vnaduiſed indammagement I haue done you heretofore, Ile be your champion hence forward againſt any that dare write againſt you. Onely as euer you would light vpon a good cuppe of old ſacke when you are moſt drie, pocket not vp this ſlie abuſe at a rakehell rampalions hands, one that when an iniurie is deepe buried in the graue of obliuion, ſhall ſeeke to digge it vp againe, recall that into mens memories which was conſumed and forgotten.

Whoreſon Ninihammer, that wilt aſſault a man & haue no ſtronger weapons.

The Italian ſaith, a man muſt not take knowledge of iniurie till he be able to reuenge it.

Nay but in plaine good fellowſhip, art thou ſo innocent & vnconceiuing, that thou ſhouldſt ere hope to daſh mee quite out of requeſt by telling mee of the Counter, and my hoſteſſe Penia.

I yeeld that I haue dealt vpon ſpare commodities of wine and capons in my daies, I haue ſung George Gaſcoignes Counter-tenor; what then? VVilt thou peremptorily define that it is a place where no honeſt man, or Gentleman of credit euer came?

Heare what I ſay, a Gentleman is neuer throughly entred into credit till he hath beene there; & that Poet or nouice, be hee what he will, ought to ſuſpect his wit, and remaine halfe in a doubt that it is not authenticall, till it hath beene ſeene and allowd in vnthrifts conſiſtory.

Grande doloris ingenium. Let fooles dwell in no ſtronger houſes than their Fathers built them, but I proteſt I ſhould neuer haue writ paſſion well, or beene a peece of a Poet, if I had not arriu'd in thoſe quarters.

Trace the gallanteſt youthes and braueſt reuellers about Towne in all the by-paths of their expence, & you ſhall vnfallibly finde, that once in their life time they haue viſited that melancholy habitation.

Come come, if you will goe to the ſound truth of it, there is no place of the earth like it to make a man wiſe.

Cambridge and Oxford may ſtande vnder the elbowe of it.

I vow if I had a ſonne, I would ſooner ſend him to one of the Counters to learne lawe, than to the Innes of Court or Chauncery.

My hoſteſſe Penia, thats a bugges word, I pry thee what Morrall haſt thou vnder it? I will depoſe if thou wilt that till now I neuer heard of anie ſuch Engliſh name.

There is a certaine thing cald christian veritie, & another hight common ſenſe, and a third cleapt humilitie, they are more requiſite and neceſſary for thee, than modeſtie or diſcretion for mee and my companions, of which would thou ſhouldſt vnderſtand, we are ſo well prouided, that we can lend thee and thy brother Richard a great deale, and yet keepe more than wee ſhall haue need of for our ſelues.

VVilt thou be ſo hardy and iron-viſaged, to gainſay that thy brother Vicars Batchlours hood was not turnd ouer his eares for abuſing of Ariſtotle, I know thou haſt more grace than ſo, thou doſt not contradict it flatly, but ſlubbers it ouer faintly, and comes to recapitulate not confute ſome of the phraſes I vſde in the vnhandſoming of his diuinitiſhip.

I my ſelfe in the ſame order of diſgracing thou ſingles them foorth will haue them vp againe, and ſee if thou or anie man can abſurdifie the worſt of them.

I ſay, and will make it good, that in the Aſtrologicall diſcourſe thy brother (as if hee had lately caſt the heau'ns water, or beene at the anatomizing of the ſkies intrailes in Surgeons hall) propheſieth of ſuch ſtrange wonders to enſue from the ſtarres diſtemperature, and the vnuſuall adulterie of plannets, as none but hee that is bawd to thoſe celeſtiall bodies could euer deſcry.

This too I will ratifie for truthable & legible Engliſh, that his Aſtronomy broke his day with his creditors, and Saturne & Iupiter prou'd honeſter men than all the world tooke them for.

That the whole Uniuerſitie hiſt at him, Tarlton at the Theater made ieaſtes of him, and Elderton conſumed his ale crammed noſe to nothing, in beare-baiting him with whole bundels of Ballads.

All this he barely repeates without any diſprouement or denudation at all, as if it were ſo lame in it ſelfe, that it would adnihilate it ſelfe with the onelie rehearſall of it.

For the gentilitie of the Naſhes (though it might ſeeme a humor borrowed from thee to bragge of it) yet ſome of vs who neuer ſought into it til of late, can proue the extancy of our aunceſtors before there was euer a ropemaker in England. Wee can vaunt larger petigrees than patrimonies, yet of ſuch extrinſecall things common to tenne thouſand calues and oxen, would not I willingly vaunt, only it hath pleaſed M. Printer both in this booke and Pierce Pennileſſe, to intaile a vaine title to my name, which I care not for, without my conſent or priuitie I here auouch.

But on the gentilitie of T.N. his beard, the maiſter Butler of Pembroke hall, ſtil I will ſtand to the death; for it is the very prince Elector of peaks, a beard that I cannot bee perſwaded but was the Emperour Dioniſius his, ſurnamed the Tyrant, when hee playde the ſchoolemaiſter in Corinth.

Gabriell, thou haſt a prety polwigge ſparrows tayle peake, yet maiſt thou not compare with his: thy Father, for all by thy owne confeſſion hee makes haires, had neuer the art to twilt vp ſuch a grim triangle of haire as that.

Be not offended honeſt T. N. that I am thus bold with thee, for I affect thee for the names ſake as much as any one man can do another, and know thee to be a fine fellow, and fit to diſcharge a farre higher calling than that wherein thou liu'ſt.

VVhat more ſtuffe lurketh behind in this letter to be diſtributed into ſhop-duſt?

Pierce Pennileſſe is as childiſh and gariſh a booke as euer came in print; when he talks of the ſheepiſh diſcourſe of the Lambe of God and his enemies, he ſaies, it is monſtrous and abſurd, and not to bee ſufferd in a Chriſtian congregatiō; that Richard hath ſcumd ouer the ſchoolmen, and of the froth of their folly made a diſh of Diuinitie breweſſe which the Dogs would not eate.

If he ſaide ſo (as hee did) and can proue it (as hee hath done) by Saint Lubecke then The Lambe of God is as childiſh and gariſh ſtuffe as euer came in print indeede.

I but how doth Pierce Pennileſſe expiate the coinquination of theſe obiections.

Richard, whom (becauſe he is his brother, he therefore cenſures more curious and rigorous, in calling him M. H. than hee would haue done otherwiſe) red the Philoſophie Lecture in Cambridge with good liking and ſingular commendation, when Aperſea was not ſo much as Idoneus auditor ciuilis ſcientiae, Ergo, the Lambe of God beares a better Fleece than hee giues out it doth.

A perſe a is improoued nothing ſince, excepting his old Flores Poetarum, and Tarletons ſurmounting rethorique, with a little euphuiſme and Greeneſſe inough.

Gabriel reports him to the fauourableſt opinion of thoſe that know A perſe a his Prefaces, rimes, and the very companie of his Tarltonizing wit his Supplication to the Diuel.

Quiet your ſelues a litle my Maiſters, and you ſhal ſee mee diſpearſe all thoſe cloudes well inough. That Richard red the Philoſophie Lecture at Cambridge, I doe not withſtand, but how?

Verie Lentenlie and ſcantlie, (farre bee it wee ſhuld ſlander him ſo much as his brother Richard hath done, to ſaie he read it with good liking and ſingularitie.) Credite mee, any that hath but a little refuſe Colloquium Latine, to interſeame a Lecture with, and can ſaie but Quapropter vos mei auditores may reade with equiualent commendation and liking.

I remember him woondrous well. In the chiefe pompe of that his falſe praiſe, I both heard him and heard what was the vniuerſall ſlender valuation of him.

There was eloquent Maister Knox, (a man whoſe loſſe all good learning can neuer ſufficiently deplore) twas he and one Maister Iones of Trinitie Colledge, that in my time with more ſpeciall approbation conuerſt in thoſe Readings.

Since I haue heard of two rare yong men M. M • riton and another, that in ſupplying that place of ſucceſſion haue ſurmounted all former mediocritie, and wonne themſelues an euerlaſting good name in the Vniuerſitie.

Theſe thou ſhouldſt haue memoriz'd if any, but thou art giuen to ſpeake well of none but thy ſelfe and thy two brothers.

Thrice fruitfull S. Iohns, how many hundred perfecter Schollers than the three brothers haſt thou nurſt at thy paps, that yet haue not ſhakte off obſcuritie?

Mellifluous PLAYFERE one of the chief props of our aged, & auntienteſt, & abſoluteſt Vniuerſities preſent flouriſhing. VVhere doe thy ſupereminent gifts ſhine to themſelues, that the Court cannot bee acquainted with them.

Few ſuch men ſpeake out of Fames higheſt Pulpits, though out of her higheſt Pulpits ſpeake the pureſt of all ſpeakers.

Let me adde one word, and let it not bee thought derogatorie to anie, I cannot bethinke mee of two in England in all things comparable to him for his time. Seldome haue I beheld ſo pregnant a pleaſaunt wit coupled with a memorie of ſuch huge incomprehenſible receipt, deepe reading and delight better mixt than in his Sermons.

Sed quorſum haec, how doe theſe digreſſions linke in with our Subiectum circa quod?

Flaunting Richard and his Philoſophie Lecture, was vnder our fingers euen now, howſoeuer wee haue loſt him. Hold the candle, and you ſhall ſee me caſt a figure for him extempore: Oh hoh, I haue founde him without any further ſeeking. Giue me your eares Io Paean, God ſaue them they are long ones.

Now betweene you and me declare as if you were at ſhrift, whether you be not a ſuperlatiue blocke for al you readd the Philoſophie Lecture at Cambridge: Brieflie, brieflie, let mee not ſtand all daie about you.

His conſcience accuſeth him, hee is ſtroke ſtarke dumbe, onely by ſignes he craues to bee admitted in forma pauperis that we ſhould let him paſſe for a pore fellow, and he will ſell his birthright in learning with Eſau for a meſſe of porrige.

Cura leues loquuntur, he hath but a litle cure to look too. Maiores ſtupent, more liuing would make him ſtudie more.

For this once wee diſpence with you becauſe you look ſo penitentlie on it, but let not me catch you ſelling any more ſuch twiſe ſodden ſawduſt diuinitie as the Lambe of God and his enemies, for if I do, Ile make a dearth of paper in Pater-noſter-rowe (ſuch as was not this ſeauen yeare) onelie with writing againſt thee.

A perſe a can doe it, tempt not his clemencie too much. A perſe a?

Paſſion of God howe came I by that name; my godfather Gabriel gaue it mee, and I muſt not refuſe it. Nor if you were priuie whence it came would you hold it worthie to be refuſed, for before I had the reuerſion of it hee beſtow'd it on a Noble man, whoſe new faſhiond apparrell, and Tuſcaniſh geſtures, cringing ſidenecke, eies glancing, fiſnomie ſmerking, hauing deſcribed to the full, he concludes with this verſe, Euerie inch A perſe a his termes and braueries in print.

Hold you your peace Naſhe: that was before you were Idoneus auditor ciuilis ſcientiae. It may bee ſo, for thou wert a Libeller before I was borne. Yet vnder correction bee it ſpoken, I haue come to the ſchooles and purg'd rheume many a time, when your brother was Philoſophie Lecturer, he wanted no ſupploſus pedū to ſpend away his houre that I could help him with.

What ſince I am improued you partly haue prooued to your coſt, and may doe more at large if God ſend vs more leyſure.

As for Flores Poetarum, they are flowers that yet I neuer ſmelt too. Ile pawne my hand to a halfe penny I haue readd more good Poets thorough, than thou euer hardſt off.

The floures of your Foure Letters it may be I haue ouerlookt more narrowlie, and done my beſt deuoire to aſſemble them together into patheticall poſie, which I will here preſent to Maiſter Orator Edge for a Newyeares gift, leauing them to his wordie diſcretion to be cenſured whether they be currant in inkehorniſme or no.

Conſcious mind: canicular tales: egregious an argument: when as egregious is neuer vſed in engliſh but in the extreame ill part. Ingenuitie: Iouiall mind: valarous Authors: inckehorne aduentures: inckehorne pads: putatiue opinions: putatiue artists: energeticall perſuaſions: Raſcallitie: materiallitie: artificiallitie, Fantaſticallitie: diuine Entelechy: loud Mentery: deceitfull perfidy: addicted to Theory: the worlds great Incendiarie: ſirenized furies: ſoueraigntie immenſe: abundant Cauteles: cautelous and aduentrous: cordiall liquor: Catilinaries and Phillipicks: perfunctorie diſcourſes: Dauids ſweetnes olimpique: The Idee high and deepe Abiſſe of excellence: The only Ʋnicorne of the Muſes: the Aretiniſ • mountaine of huge exaggerations: The gratious law of Amnesty: amicable termes: amicable end: Effectuate: addoulce his melodie: Magy polimechany: extenſiuely emploid: precious Traynment: Nouellets: Notorietie negotiation: mechanician.

Nor are theſe all, for euerie third line hath ſome of this ouer-rackt abſoniſme. Nor do I altogether ſcum off all theſe as the newe ingendred ſome of the Engliſh, but allowe ſome of them for a neede to fill vp a verſe; as Traynment, and one or two wordes more, which the libertie of proſe might well haue ſpar'd. In a verſe, when a worde of three ſillables cannot thruſt in but ſidelings, to ioynt him euen, we are oftentimes faine to borrowe ſome leſſer quarry of elocution from the Latine, alwaies retaining this for a principle, that a leake of indeſinence as a leake in a ſhippe, muſt needly bee ſtopt, with what matter ſoeuer.

Chaucers authoritie I am certaine ſhal be alleadgd againſt mee for a many of theſe balductums. Had Chaucer liu'd to this age, I am verily perſwaded hee would haue diſcarded the tone halfe of the harſher ſort of them,

They were the Oouſe which ouerflowing barbariſme, withdrawne to her Scottiſh Northren chanell, had left behind her. Art like yong graſſe in the ſpring of Chaucers floriſhing, was glad to peepe vp through any ſlime of corruption, to be beholding to ſhe car'd not whome for apparaile, trauailing in thoſe colde countries. There is no reaſon that ſhee a baniſht Queene into this barraine ſoile, hauing monarchizd it ſo long amongſt the Greeks and Romanes, ſhould (although warres furie had humbled her to ſome extremitie) ſtill be conſtrained when ſhe hath recouerd her ſtate, to weare the robes of aduerſitie, iet it in her old rags, when ſhe is wedded to new proſperitie.

Ʋtere moribus praeteritis, ſaith Caius Caeſar in Aulus Gellius loquere verbis praſentibus.

Thou art mine enemie Gabriell, and that which is more, a contemptible vnder-foote enemie, or elſe I would teach thy olde Trewantſhip the true vſe of words, as alſo how more inclinable verſe is than proſe to dance after the horrizonant pipe of inueterate antiquitie.

It is no matter, ſince thou haſt brought godly inſtruction out of loue with thee, vſe thy own deſtruction, raigne ſole Emperour of inkehorniſme, I wiſh vnto thee all ſuperabundant increaſe of the ſingular gifts of abſurditie, and vaineglory: from this time forth for euer, euer, euer, euermore maiſt thou be canonized as the Nun parreille of impious epiſtlers, the ſhort ſhredder out of ſandy ſentences without lime, as Quintillian tearmed Seneca all lime, and no ſande; all matter, and no circumſtance; the factor for the Fairies, and night Vrchins, in ſupplanting and ſetting aſide the true children of the Engliſh, and ſuborning inkehorne changlings in their ſteade, the galimafrier of all ſtiles in one ſtandiſh, as imitating euerie one, & hauing no ſeperate forme of writing of thy owne; and to conclude, the onely feather-driuer of phraſes, and putter of a good word to it when thou haſt once got it, that is betwixt this and the Alpes. So bee it worlde without ende. Chroniclers heare my praiers. Good Maiſter Stowe be not vnmindfull of him.

Thats well remembred, now I talke of Chroniclers, I founde the Aſtrologicall diſcourſe the other night in the Chronicle. Gabriell will outface vs it is a worke of ſuch deepe arte & iudgement, when it is expreſſely paſt vnder record for a cooſening prognoſtication. The wordes are theſe, though ſomewhat abreuiated; for he makes a long circumlocution of it.

In the yeare 1583. by meanes of an Aſtrologicall diſcourſe vppon the great and notable coniunction of Saturne and Iupiter, the common ſort of people were almoſt driu'n out of their wits, and knew not what to doe: but when no ſuch thing hapned, they fell to their former ſecuritie, and condemned the diſcourſer of extreame madneſſe and follie.

Ipſiſsima ſunt Ariſtotelis verba, they are the verie words of Iohn Tell-troth in the 1357. folio of the laſt edition of the great Chronicle of England.

Mehercule quidem, if it be ſo taken vp, Pierce Pennileſſe may well caſt his cappe after it for euer ouertaking it. But ſome thing euen now Gabriell thou wert girding againſt my praefaces and rimes, and the timpanie of my Tarltonizing wit.

VVell theſe be your words, praefaces and rimes, let mee ſtudie a little praefaces and rimes. Minimè verò; ſi ais nego. I neuer printed rime in my life but thoſe verſes in the beginning of Pierce Pennileſſe, though you haue ſet foorth, The ſtories quaint of manie a doutie flie, That read a lecture to the ventrous elfe. And ſo forth as followeth in chambling rowe.

Praefaces two, or a paire of Epiſtles I will receyue into the protection of my parentage, out of both which, ſucke out one ſolaeciſme or miſhapen Engliſh word if thou canſt for thy guts.

VVherein haue I borrowed from Greene or Tarlton, that I ſhould thanke them for all I haue? Is my ſtile like Greenes, or my ieaſts like Tarltons? Do I talke of any counterfeit birds, or hearbs, or ſtones, or rake vp any new-found poetry from vnder the wals of Troy? If I do, trip mee with it; but I doe not, therefore Ile be ſo ſaucy as trip you with the grandlie. Ware ſtumbling of whetſtones in the darke there my maiſters.

This I will proudly boaſt (yet am I nothing a kindred to the three brothers) that the vaine which I haue (be it a median vaine, or a madde man) is of my owne begetting, and cals no man father in England but my ſelfe, neyther Euphues, nor Tarlion, nor Greene.

Not Tarlton nor Greene but haue beene contented to let my ſimple iudgement ouerrule them in ſome matters of wit. Euphues I readd when I was a little ape in Cambridge, and then I thought it was Ipſe ille, it may be excellent good ſtill for ought I know, for I lookt not on it this ten yeare: but to imitate it I abhorre, otherwiſe than it imitates Plutarch, Ouid, and the choiſeſt Latine Authors.

If you be aduiſde I tooke ſhorteſt vowels and longeſt mutes in the beginning of my booke as ſuſpitious of being acceſſarie to the making of a Sonnet wherto Maiſter Christopher Birds name is ſet, there I ſaide that you mute forth many ſuch phraſes in the courſe of your booke which I would point at as I paſt by: Heere I am as good as my word, for I note that thou beeing afraide of beraying thy ſelfe with writing, wouldeſt faine bee a mute, when it is too late to repent. Againe, thou reuieſt on vs and ſaiſt, that mutes are courſed and vowels haunted. Thou art no mute, yet ſhalt thou be haunted and courſed to the full. I will neuer leaue thee as long as I am able to lift a pen.

Whether I ſeeke to bee counted a terrible bulbegger or no, Ile baite thee worſe than a bull ſo that the thou ſhalt deſire ſome body on thy knees to helpe thee with letters of commendation to Bull the hangman, that he may diſpatch thee out of the way before more affliction come vpon thee.

All the inuectiue and ſatericall ſpirits ſhall then bee thy familiars, as the furies in hell are the familiars of ſinfull ghoſts to follow them and torment them without intermiſſion: thou ſhalt bee double girt with girds, and ſcoft at till thoſe that ſtand by do nothing but cough with laughing.

Thou ſaieſt I profeſſe the art of railing, thou ſhalt not ſay ſo in vaine, for if there bee any art or depth in it, more than Aretine or Agrippa haue diſcouered or diu'd into, looke that I will found it and ſearch it to the vttermoſt, but ere I haue done with thee ile leaue thee the miſerableſt creature that the ſunne euer ſawe.

There is no kind of peaceable pleaſure in poetrie, but I can drawe equally in the ſame yoke with the haughtieſt of thoſe foule-mouthd backbiters, that ſay I can do nothing but raile.

I haue written in all ſorts of humors priuately I am perſwaded, more than any yoong man of my age in England.

The weather is cold, and I am wearie with confuting, the remainder of the colde contents of this Epiſtle be theſe.

He enuiouſly indeuors ſince he cannot reuenge himſelfe to incenſe men of high calling againſt me, and wold inforce it into their opinions, that whatſoeuer is ſpokē in Pierce Pennileſſe, concerning Peſants, Clownes & hipocriticall hot-ſpurs, Midaſſes, Buckram Giants, & the mightie Prince of darkeneſſe is meant of them, let him proue it, or bring the man to my face to whome I euer made any vnduetifull expoſition of it, I am to be my own interpreter in this firſt caſe. I ſay in Pierce Pennileſſe I haue ſet downe nothing but that which I haue had my preſident for, in forraine writers, nor had I the leaſt alluſion to any man ſet aboue mee in in degree, but onely glanc'ſt at vice generallie.

The tale of the Beare and the Foxe, how euer it may ſet fooles heads a worke a farre off, yet I had no concealed ende in it, but in the one, to deſcribe the right nature of a bloudthirſty tyrant, whoſe indefinite appetite all the pleaſures in the earth haue no powre to bound in goodnes, but he muſt ſeeke a new felicitie in varietie of cruelty, and deſtroying all other mens proſperitie; for the other, to figure an hypocrite: Let it be Martin if you will, or ſome old dog that bites ſorer than hee, who ſecretlie goes and ſeduceth country Swaines.

Makes them beleeue that that honny which their bees brought forth was poyſonous and corrupt.

That they may buy honny cheaper than by being at ſuch charges in keeping of bees.

That it is not neceſſary they ſhould haue ſuch ſtately hiues or lie ſucking at ſuch precious honnicombs.

If this (which is nothing elſe but to ſwim with the ſtreame) be to tell tales as ſhrewdly as mother Hubbard, it ſhoulde ſeeme mother Hubbard is no great ſhrewe, howeuer thou treading on her heeles ſo oft, ſhee may bee tempted beyonde her ten commandements.

A litle before this the foreſaid fanaticall Phobetor, geremumble, tirleriwhiſco, or what you will, cald forth the biggeſt gunſhot of my thundring tearmes ſteept in Aqua fortis and gunpowder to come and trie them ſelues on his paper Target.

But that it is no credite Galpogas to diſcharge a Cannon gainſt a lowſe, thou ſhouldſt not call in vaine, thou ſhouldſt heare Tom a Lincolne roare with a witnes, woe worth the daie & the yeare when thou heareſt him. I feare blaſt thee nowe but with the winde of my weapon. With the waſt of my words, I lay waſt all the feeble fortifications of thy wit. Shewe mee the Vniuerſities hand and ſeale that thou art a Doctour ſealed and deliuered in the preſence of a whole Commenſement, and Ile preſent thee with my whole artillerie ſtore of eloquence.

A bots on thee for mee for a lumpiſh leaden heeld letter dawber, my ſtile with treading in thy clammie ſteps is growne as heauie gated, as if it were bound to an Aldermans pace, with the irons at Newgate cald the widows Almes.

Ere I was chained to thee thus by the necke, I was as light as the Poet Accius, who was ſo lowe and ſo ſlender that hee was faine to put lead into his ſhooes for feare the winde ſhoulde blowe him into another Countrie.

Thoſe that catch Leopards ſet cups of wine before them; thoſe that will winne liking and grace of the readers, muſt ſet before them continually that which ſhall cheare them, and reuiue them.

Gabriell, thou haſt not done ſo, thou canſt not doe ſo, therfore rhy works neither haue, nor can any way hinder mee, nor benefit the Printer.

Euen in the packing vp of my booke a hot ague hath mee by the backe. Maugre ſickneſſe worſt, a leane arme put out of the bed ſhall grind and paſh euery crum of thy booke into pin-duſt.

The next peece of ſeruice thou doſt againſt Pierce Pennileſſe, is the naming of him wofull poueretto, and pleaſant ſuppoſing thou puldſt him by the ragged ſleeue: Then matcheſt thou thy ſelfe to Ʋliſſes, and him to Irus, Irrita ſunt hac omnia: it is a ſleeueleſſe ieaſt, I haue beiliu'd thee already for it, it toucheth the body and not the minde. Beſides I was neuer altogether Peter Poueretto, vtterly throwne downe, deſperately ſeperated from all means of releeuing my ſelfe, ſince I knew how to ſeperate a knaue from an honeſt man, or throw my cloake ouer my noſe, when I ſalied by the Counters.

The ragged cognizance on the ſleeue, I may ſay to thee, carried meate in the mouth when time was, doe not diſpraiſe it yet, for it hath many high partakers. Quae ſequuntur huiuſmodi ſunt.

Thou turmoilſt thy pia mater, to proue baſe births better than the ofspring of many diſcents, becauſe thou art a muſhrumpe ſprung vp in one night, a ſeely mouſe begotten on a moulehill, that wouldſt fayne pearch thy ſelfe on the mountaines, when thy legges are too ſhort to ouercome ſuch a long iourney of glorie.

My margent note, Meritis expendite cauſam, thou wouldſt rather than any thing wreſt to an enditment of arrogance, & ſo branch mee into thy tiptoe ſtocke. I cannot ſee how thou canſt compaſſe it: For though I bad them weigh the cauſe by deſerts, yet I did not aſſume too much to my owne deſerts, when I expoſtulated, why Coblers, Hoſtlers, and Carmen ſhould be worth ſo much, and ſo much, and I a ſcholler and a good-fellow a begger. How thou haſt arrogated to thy ſelfe more than Lucifer, or any Miles glorioſus in the worlde would doe, I haue already noted at large in his due place and order. If thou beſtowſt any curteſie on mee, and I do not requite it, then call mee cut, and ſay I was brought vp at Hoggenorton where pigges play on the Organs.

Wert thou well acquainted with me, thou ſhouldſt perceiue that I am very franke where I take, & ſend away none empty-handed that giue mee but halfe an ill worde.

It is a good ſigne of grace in thee, that thou confeſſeſt thou hast offences enough of thy owne to aunſwere, though thou beest not chargd with thy Fathers. Once in thy life thou ſpeakſt true yet, I beleeue thee, and pittie thee. God make thee a good man, for thou haſt beene a wilde youth hitherto.

Thy Hexameter verſes, or thy hue and crie after a perſon as cleare as Chriſtall, I do not ſo deeply commend, for al Maiſter Spencer long ſince imbrast it with an ouer-louing ſonnet.

VVhy ſhould friends diſſemble one with another, they are very vgly and artleſſe. You will neuer leaue your olde trickes of drawing M. Spencer into euerie pybald thing you do. If euer he praiſd thee, it was becauſe he had pickt a fine vaine foole out of thee, and he would keepe thee ſtill a foote by flattring thee, til ſuch time as he had brought thee into that extreame loue with thy ſelfe, that thou ſhouldſt run mad with the conceit, and ſo be ſcorned of all men.

Yet yet Gabriell, are not we ſet non plus, thy roiſter doiſterdome hath not daſht vs out of countenance. If anie man vſe boiſtrous horſe play, or bee beholding to Carters Logique, it is thyſelfe; for with none but clowniſh and royniſh ieaſts doſt thou ruſh vppon vs, and keepſt ſuch a flurting and a flinging in euerie leafe, as if thou wert the onely reaſty iade in a country.

Skolding thou ſaieſt is the language of ſhrewes, railing the ſtile of rakehels; what concludſt thou from thence? Do I ſcold? do I raile?

Scolding & railing is loud miſcalling and reuiling one another without wit, ſpeaking euery thing a man knows by his neighbour, though it bee neuer ſo contrary to all humanitie and good manners, and would make the ſtanders by almoſt perbrake to heare it. Such is thy inuectiue againſt Greene, where thou talkſt of his low ſines, his ſurfeting, his beggerie, and the mother of Infortunatus infirmities. If I ſcold, if I raile, I do but cum ratione inſanire, Tully, Ouid, all the olde Poets, Agrippa, Aretine, and the reſt are all ſcolds and railers, and by thy concluſion flat ſhrewes and rakehels: for I doe no more than their examples do warrant mee.

The intoxicate ſpirit of griſly Euridice, I can toſſe ouer as lightly to thee, as thou haſt puft it to mee. My hart is praeoccupated with better ſpirits, which haue left her no houſe-roome: thou haſt no ſpirite as it ſhould appeare by thy writing, intertaine her and the ſpirit of the buttery out of hand, or thou wilt be beaten hand ſmooth out of Bucklars bury.

VVhen I parted with thy brother in Pierce Penileſſe, I left him to be tormented world without ende of our Poets and writers about London, for calling them piperly make-playes and makebates, not doubting but they would driue him to this iſſue, that he ſhould be conſtrained to goe to the chiefe beame of his benefice, and there beginning a lamētable ſpeech with cur ſcripſi, cur perij, ende with Prauum praua decent, iuuat inconceſſa voluptas, & ſo with a trice truſſe vp his life in the ſtring of his ſance-bell. Now heere thou thankſt God thou art not ſo vncharitably bent to put ſo much wit in a ſpeech, like a Parſon in Lancaſhire that kneeld down on his knees in a zealous paſſion, and very hartily thankt God he neuer knew what that vile Antichriſtian Romiſh Popiſh Latine meant. Did I exhort inke and paper to pray that they might not bee troubled with him any more? Inke and paper if they bee true Proteſtants will pray, that they may not be contaminated any more with ſuch abhomination of deſolation, as the three brothers Apocripha pamphleting.

After all this foule weather enſueth a calme dilatement of others too forward harmefulnes, and thy owne backward irefulneſſe; thats diſpatcht, the court hath found it otherwiſe.

Then thou goeſt about to bribe mee to giue ouer this quarrell, and ſaiſt if I will holde my peace, thou wilt beſtowe more complements of rare amplifications vpon mee, than euer thou beſtowdſt on Sir Philip Sidney, and gentle Maiſter Spencer.

Thou flatterſt mee, and praiſeſt mee.

To make mee a ſmall ſeeming amendes for the iniuries thou haſt done mee, thou reckonſt mee vp amongſt the deare louers and profeſſed ſonnes of the Muſes, Edmund Spencer, Abraham France, Thomas Watſon, Samuell Daniell.

With a hundred bleſsings and many praiers thou intreatſt mee to loue thee.

Content thy ſelfe, I will not.

Thou proteſts it was not my perſon thou miſlikt (I am afraide thou wilt make mee thy Ingle) but my fierce running at Parſon Richard, excuſeſt mee by my youth, & promiſeſt to cancell thy impertinent Pamphlet.

It were good hanging thee now thou art in ſuch a good mind; yet for all this, a dogge will be a dogge, & returne to his vomit doe what a man can, thou muſt haue one ſquibbe more at the Deuils Orator, & his Dames Poet, or thy penne is not in cleane life. I will permit thee to ſay what thou wilt, to vnderlie (as thou deſir'ſt) the verdit of Fame hir ſelfe, ſo I may lie aboue thee, LIE aboue thee, tell greater lies than thou doſt no man is able.

Thus O heauenly Muſe I thanke thee for thou haſt giu'n mee the patience to trauel through the tedious wilderneſſe of this Gomorian Epiſtle. Not Hercules when he cleanſed the ſtables of Aegeas, vnder-tooke ſuch a ſtinking vnſauorie exploit. By thy aſſiſtaunce through a whole region of golden lanes haue I iourneied, & now am ſafely arriu'd at not ſpeedily diſpatcht but hastily bungled vp as you ſee. Graunt that all ſuch ſlow diſpatchers & haſtie bunglers, may haue along time of reproach to repent them in, and not come abroad to corrupt the aire, & impoſtumate mens ears with their pan-pudding proſe any more. So bee it, ſay all Engliſh people after mee, that haue eares to heare or eies to reade.

Feci, feci, feci, had I my health, now I had leyſure to be merry, for I haue almoſt waſht my hands of the Doctour.

His own regenerate verſes of the iolly Fly, & Gibeline and Gwelph ſome peraduenture may expect that I ſhould anſwere. So I would if there were anie thing in them which I had not anſwerd before, but there is nothing; if there were, hauing driuen his ſword to his head, I reſpect not what he can do with his dagger. Onely I will looke vpon the laſt Sonnet of M. Spencers to the right worſhipfull Maiſter G.H. Doctour of the lawes: or it may ſo fall out that I will not looke vpon it too, becauſe (Gabriell) though I vehemently ſuſpect it to bee of thy owne doing, it is popt foorth vnder M. Spencers name, and his name is able to ſanctifie any thing though falſely aſcribed to it.

The fourth letter of our Orators to the ſame fauorable or indifferent reader, was a letter which this many a long ſummers day I dare ieopard my maydenhead had line hidden in his deske, for it is a ſhirmans hoſe that will ſerue any man as well as Green or mee.

To make ſhort, in it as fortie times before, he brides it and ſimpers it out a crie, No forſooth God dild you hee would not that hee would: None ſo deſirous of quiet as hee good olde man, who with a pure intent of peace, firſt put fire to the flame that hath hedgde him in.

He hath preuented Maiſter Bunnie of the ſecond part of his treatiſe of Pacification, for like ſome craftie ring leader of rebellion, when hee hath ſtirred vp a dangerous commotion, and findes by the too late examination of his fore vnexamined defects in himſelfe, that ſo ſweet a roote will hardlie effect correſpondent fruits ſtrait in pollicie to get his pardon, hee ſtrikes ſaile to that tempeſt of ſedition, and is thrice as earneſt in preaching pacification, obedience, and ſubmiſſion: ſo Gabriel when he hath ſtird vp againſt me what tumults he can in Stationers Shops, and left the quiuer of his enuie not an arrow vndrawne out, hee finds by the audit of his ill conſumed defectes that he is not of force inough to hold out, wherefore in pollicie to auoid further arrearages of infamie hee tires the text of reconciliation out of breath, and hopeth by the interceſſion of a cuppe of white wine and ſugar, to be made friends with his fellow writers.

It cannot chooſe but he muſt of neceſſitie be a very ſore fellow, that is ſo familiar with white wine & ſugar, for white wine in a maner is good for nothing but to waſh ſores in, and ſmudge vp withered beauty with. Well for all hee would haue Pierce make no warres on him, he makes warres on Pierce Pennileſſe, he be beggereth him again in this epiſtle verie bountifullie hee ſaies that Lordes muſt take heede how they Lord it in his preſence.

That the Aſſe is the onelie Author he alleadgeth. That Greene is an Aſſe in print, and he a calfe in print.

That they are both chiefetaines in licentiouſneſſe, and truth can ſaie the abhominable villanies of ſuch baſe ſhifting companions, good for nothing but to caſt away themſelues, ſpoile their adherents, &c.

For my beggerie let that trauell the countries, I haue ſaide more for it than a richer man would haue done, but that I take vppon me to Lord it ouer great Lords thou art a moſt lewd tungd lurden to ſaie it.

Muſt they take heede how they Lord it in my preſence, what muſt they doe then in thy preſenee,

Whereas thou ſaiſt the Aſſe in a manner is the only Author I alleadge, I muſt know how you define an Aſſe before I can tell how to anſwere you; for Cornelius Agrippa maketh all the Philoſophers, Oratours, and Poets that euer were Aſſes: and if ſo you vnderſtand that I alleadge no Author but the Aſſe; for all Authors are Aſſes, why I am for you; if otherwiſe, thou art worſe than a Cuman • Aſſe to leape before thou lookſt, and condemne a man without cauſe.

What Authors doſt thou alleadge in thy booke, not two, but any Grammer Scholler might haue alleadgd?

There is not three kernels of more than common learning in all thy Foure Letters. Common learning? not common ſenſe in ſome places.

Of force I muſt graunt that Greene came oftner in print than men of iudgement allowed off, but neuertheleſſe he was a daintie ſlaue to content the taile of a Tearme, and ſtuffe Seruing mens pockets.

An Aſſe Gabriel it is harde thou ſhouldſt name him: for calling mee Calfe it breakes no ſquare, but if I bee a calfe it is in compariſon of ſuch an Oxe as thy ſelfe.

The chiefetaines of licentiouſnes, and truth can ſay the abhominable villanies of ſuch baſe ſhifting companions, good for nothing, &c. I am of the mind wee ſhall not diſgeſt this neither.

Anſwere me ſuccinctè & expeditè, what one period any way leaning to licentiouſnes, canſt thou produce in Pierce Pennileſſe?

I talke of a great matter when I tell thee of a period, for I know two ſeuerall periods or full pointes in this laſt epiſtle, at leaſt fortie lines long a piece.

For the order of my life it is as ciuil as a ciuil orenge, I lurke in no corners but conuerſe in a houſe of credit as well gouerned as any Colledge, where there bee more rare quallified men, and ſelected good Schollers • han in any Noblemans houſe that I knowe in Engltand.

If I had committed ſuch abhominable villanies, or were a baſe ſhifting companion, it ſtoode not with my Lords honour to keepe me, but if thou haſt ſaide it & canſt not proue it, what ſlandrous diſhonor haſt thou done him, to giue it out that he keepes the committers of abhominable villanies and baſe ſnifting companions, when they are farre honeſter than thy ſelfe.

If I were by thee I woulde plucke thee by the beard, and ſpit in thy face, but I would dare thee and vrge thee beyonde all excuſe to diſcloſe and prooue for thy heart bloud what villanie or baſe ſhifting by mee thou canſt, I defie all the worlde in that reſpect.

Becauſe thou vſedſt at Cambridge to ſhift for thy Friday at night ſuppers, and coſen poore victuallers and pie-wiues of Doctours cheeſe and puddinges, thou thinkſt me one of the ſame religion too.

What Greene was, let ſome other anſwere for him as much as I haue done, I had no tuition ouer him, he might haue writ another Galataeo of manners, for his manners euerie time I came in his companie, I ſaw no ſuch baſe ſhifting or abhominable villanie by him. Something there was which I have heard not ſeene, that hee had not that regarde to his credite in which had beene requiſite he ſhould.

VVhat a Calimunco am I to plead for him, as though I were as neere him as his owne skinne. A thouſande there bee that haue more reaſon to ſpeake in his behalfe than I, who ſince I firſt knew him about town haue beene two yeares together and not ſeene him.

But Ile doe as much for any man, eſpecially for a deade man that cannot ſpeake for himſelfe. Let vs heare how we are good for nothing but to caſt awaie our ſelues, ſpoile our adherents, praie on our fauourers, diſhonour our Patrons. Haue I euer tooke any likelie courſe of caſting away my ſelfe?

VVhom canſt thou name that kept me company and reapt any diſcommoditie by mee, I can name diuers good Gentlemen that haue beene my adherents and fauourers a long time. Let them report howe I haue ſpoilde them, or praid on them, or put them to one pennie detriment ſince I firſt conſorted with thē.

Haue an eie to the maine-chaunce, for no ſooner ſhall they vnderſtand what thou haſt ſaid by mee of them, but theyle goe neere to haue thee about the eares for this geare one after another.

My Patrons or anie that bind me to them by the leaſt good turne, there is no man in England that is or ſhall (for my ſmall power) bee more thankefull vnto than I. Neuer was I vnthankefull vnto any, no not to thoſe of whome for deedes I receiued nothing but vnperformed deede promiſing words. It is an honor to be accuſde and not conuinſt.

One of theſe months I ſhall challenge martirdome to my ſelfe, and writ large ſtories of the perſecution of tongues. Troth I am as like to perſecute as be perſecuted. Let him take vp his Croſſe and bleſſe himſelfe that croſſeth mee, for I will croſſe ſhinnes with him though euerie ſentence of his were a thouſande tunnes of diſcourſes, as Gabriel ſaith euerie ſentence of his is a diſcourſe. Quods, quods giue mee my Text pen againe, for I haue a little more Text to launce.

The ſecretaries of art and nature, if it were not for friuolous contentions, might beſtead the commō-welth with manie puiſſant engins. As for example, Bacons brazen noſe, Architas wodden doue, dancing bals, fire breathing gourdes, artificiall flies to hang in the aire by themſelues, an egſhell that ſhall run vp to the toppe of a ſpeare.

Archimides made a heau'n of braſſe, but we haue nothing to do with olde braſſe and iron.

Appollonius Regimontanus did manie pretie iugling tricks, but wee had rather drinke out of a glaſſe than a Iugge, vſe a little brittle wit of our owne, than borrow any miracle mettall of Deuils.

Amongſt all other ſtratagems and puiſſant engins what ſay you to Mates Pumpe in Cheapeſide, to pumpe ouer mutton and porridge into Fraunce: this colde weather our ſouldiors I can tell you haue need of it, and poore field miſe they haue almoſt got the colicke and ſtone with eating of prouant.

Conſider of it well, for it is better than all Bacons, Architas, Archimedes, Appollonius or Regiomontanus deuices: for Gabriell that profeſſeth all theſe, with all their helpe cannot make the bias bowle at Saffron Walden run downe the hill, when it is throwne down with the hardeſt hand that may bee, but it will turne vp the hill againe in ſpite of a mans teeth, and that which is worſt, giue no reaſon for it.

The Parrat and the Peacock haue leiſure to reuiue & repoliſh their expired workes, you ſpeake like a friend, wele liſten to you when you haue repoliſhed and expired your perfected degree. A Demy Doctor, what a ſhame is it?

Becauſe your books do call for a litle more drinke and a fewe more clothes when they are gone to bed, that is, when they lie dead, you thinke ours ſhould do ſo too. No, no, we doe not vſe to clappe a coat ouer a ierkin, or thruſt any of the children of our braine into their mothers wombe againe, & beget them a new after they are once borne. If it bee a horne booke at his firſt conception, let it be a horne booke ſtill, and turne not cat in the panne, conuert the Pater noſter to a Primer, when it hath begd it ſelfe out at the elbowes vp and downe the cuntrey.

Thou didſt thou knewſt not what in eeking this thy ſhort-waſted Pamphlet, iwis as thou ſaiſt of thy ſelfe, Thou art an old trewant, fitter to plaie the dumbe dogge with ſome antients, than the hiſſing ſnake.

VVho be thoſe antient dumbe dogs? we ſhal haue you a Martiniſt when all comes to all, becauſe you cannot thriue with the Ciuill Law, and that you may marry her for any thing you are a kindred to her, therfore you wil compare Whitegift and Cartwright, white and blacke together, name the higheſt gouernours of the Church without giuing them anie reuerence or titles of honour, imbrace anie religion which will be euen with the profeſſion that fauors not you.

There is no baile or maine priſe for it, but wee muſt haue you in the firſt peeping forth of the ſpring, preaching out of a Pulpit in the woods: you haue put on wolues raiment already, ſeduced manie ſimple people vnder the habit of a ſheepe in Wolfes print. If you proteſt & lie any more, it is not your ending here like a ſermon, that will make you bee reputed for a ſaint.

Readers, a decaied ſtudent lately ſhipwrackt with Si vales bene eſt, hauing foure Lightors of Letters, cleane caſt away on the rocks called the Biſhop & his Clarks, deſires you all to pray for him, and he will recommend you all to God in the next ſermon he penneth for his brother Richard.

He hath a mind to pay euery man his owne, though hee hath ſuſtained great loſſe in fight, that which he cannot effect he beſeecheth the Lord to accompliſh, and euen to worke a miracle vpon the deafe.

Lord if it be thy will, let him be an Aſſe ſtill. Gentlemen, I haue no more to ſay to the Doctor, diſpoſe of the victorie as you pleaſe, ſhortly I will preſent you with ſome thing that ſhal be better than nothing, onely giue mee a gentle hire for my durtie day labor, and I am your bounden Orator for euer.