Epigrammata prima.
Ad Musam,
FLie merry Muse vnto that merry towne,
where thou mayst playes, reuels, and triumphes see
The house of fame, & Theatre of renowne,
VVhere all good wits & spirits loue to be.
Fall in betwene their hands, that loue & praise thee
and be to them a laughter and a iest:
but as for them which scorning shall approue thee,
Disdayne their wits, and thinke thyne owne the best.
But if thou finde any so grose and dull,
That thinke I do to priuat Taxing leane:
Bid him go hang, for he is but a gull,
And knowes not what an Epigramme does meane.
Which Taxeth vnder a particular name,
A generall vice which merits publique blame.
Of a Gull
•
2
OFt in my laughing rimes, I name a gull,
But this new terme will many questions bread
•
Therefore at first I will expresse at full,
Who is a true and perfect gull indeede.
A gull is he, who feares a veluet gowne,
and when a wench is braue, dares not speake to her:
A gull is he which trauerseth the towne,
and is for marriage knowne a common wooer.
A gull is he, which while he prowdlie weares,
a siluer hilted Rapier by his side:
Indures the lyes, and knockes about the eares,
Whilst in his sheath, his sleeping sword doth bide.
A gull is he which weares good hansome cloathes,
And standes in presence stroaking vp his hayre:
and filles vp his vnper
•
ect speech with othes.
but speakes not one wise word throughout the yeere
But to define a gull in termes precise,
A gull is he which semes, and is not wise.
In Faustum 7
Faustus not lord, nor knight, nor wise, nor olde,
To euery place about the towne doth ride,
He rides into the fieldes, Playes to beholde,
He rides to take boate at the water side,
He rides to Powles, he rides to th'ordinarie,
He rides vnto the house of bawderie too.
Thither his horse so often doth him carry,
That shortlie he wil quite forget to go.
In Katum 1
Kate being pleasde, wisht that her pleasure coulde,
Indure as long as a buste ierkin would.
Content thee Kate, although thy pleasure wasteth,
Thy pleasures place like a buffe ierkin lasteth:
For no buste ierkin hath bin oftner worne,
Nor hath more scrapings or more dressings born.
In Librum 9
Liber doth vaunt how chastely he hath liude,
Since he hath bin in towne 7 yeeres and more,
For that he sweares he hath foure onely swiude,
A maide, a wife, a widow and a whoore:
Then Liber thou hast swiude all women kinde,
For a
•
ift
•
ort I know thou canst not finde.
In Medonem 10
Great Captaine Medon weares a chaine of golde,
which at fiue hundred crownes is valued;
For that it was his graundsires chain
•
of olde,
when great king Henry Bulleigne conquered.
and weare it Medon, for it may ensue,
that thou by vertue of this Massie ehaine,
a stronger towne th
•
n Bulloigne maist subdue,
Yf wise mens sawes be not reputed vaine.
For what saide Phillip king of Macedon?
There is no Castle so wel fortifid,
But if an Asse laden with gold comes on,
The guarde wil stoope, and gates flie open wide.
In Gellam 10
Gella, if thou dost loue thy selfe, take heede,
lest thou my rimes, vnto thy louer reade,
For straight thou grinst, & then thy louer reeth,
Thy canker-eaten gums, and rotten teeth.
In Quintum 12
Quintus his wit infused into his braine,
Mislikes the place, and fled into his feete,
and the
•
e it wanders vp and down the streetes,
Dabled in the durt, and soaked in the raine.
Doubtlesse his wit intendes not to aspire,
Which leaues his head to trauell in the mire.
In Seuerum 13
The puritane Seuerus oft doth reade,
this text that doth pronounce vaine speech a sinne,
That thing defiles a man that doth proceede
F
•
om out the mouth, not that which enters in.
Hence is it, that we seldome heare him sweare,
and therexsof like a Pharisie he vaunts,
but he deuoures more Capons in a yeare,
Then would suffice a hundreth protestants.
And sooth those sectaries are gluttons all,
As well the threed-bare Cobler as the knight,
For those poore slaues which haue not wher withal
Feede on the rich, til they deuoure them quite.
And so like Pharoes kine, they eate vp cleane,
Those that be fat, yet still themselues be leane.
In Leucam 14
Leuca in presence once a fart did let,
Some laught a little, she forsooke the place:
and madde with shame, did eke her gloue forget,
which she returnde to fetch with bashfull grace:
And when she would haue said, my gloue,
My fart (qd she) which did more laughter moue.
In Macrum 15
Thou canst not speake yet Macer, for to speake,
is to distinguish soundes significant,
Thou with harsh noyse the ayre dost rudely breake,
But what thou vtterest common sence dnth want:
Halfe English wordes, with fustian tearms among
Much like the burthen of a Northerne song.
In Faustum 16
That youth saith Faustus, hath a Lyon seene,
Who from a Dycing house comes monielesse,
but when he lost his hayre, where had he been
•
,
I doubt me had seene a Lyonesse.
In Cosmum 17
Cosmus hath more discoursing in his head,
then loue, when Pallas issued from his braine,
and still he striues to be deliuered,
Of all his thoughtes at once, but al in vaine.
For as we see at all the play house dores,
when ended is the play. the daunce, and song:
A thousand townsemen, gentlemen, & whores,
Porters & seruing-men togither throng,
so thoughts of drinking, thriuing, wenching, war,
And borrowing money, raging in his minde,
To issue all at once so forwarde are,
As none at all can perfect passage finde.
In Flaccum 18
The false knaue Flaccus once a bribe I gaue,
The more foole I to bribe so false a knaue,
but he gaue back my bribe, the more foole he,
That for my follie, did not cousen me.
In Cineam 19
Thou dogged Cineas hated like a dogge,
For still thou grumblest like a Mastie dogger
comparst thy selfe to nothing but a dogge,
Thou saist thou art as weary as a dogge.
As angry, sick, & hungry as a dogge,
As dull and melancholy as a dogge:
As lazie, sleepie, & as idle as a dogge.
But why dost thou compare thee to a dogge?
In that, for which all men despise a dogge,
I will compare thee better to a dogge.
Thou art as faire and comely as a dogge,
Thou art as true and honest as a dogge,
Thou art as kinde and liberall as a dogge,
Thou art as wi
•
e and valiant as a dogge.
But Cineas, I haue oft heard thee tell,
Thou art as like thy father as may be,
Tis like inough, and faith I like it well,
But I am glad thou art not like to me.
In Gerontem 20
Geron mouldie memorie corrects,
Old Holinshed our famous chronicler,
With morrall rules, and pollicie collects,
Out of all actions done thiese fourescore yeere.
accounts the time of euery olde euent,
not frō Christs birth, nor from the Princes
•
aigne,
But from some other famous accident,
Which in mens generall notise doth remaine.
The siege of Bulloigne, and the plaguie sweat,
The going to saint Quintines and new hauen.
The rising in the North, The frost so great.
That cart-wheele prints on Thames face were seene,
The fall of money, & burning of Paules steeple,
The blasing starre and Spaniardes ouerthrow:
By thiese euents, notorious to the people,
He measures times, & things forepast doth shew.
But most of all, he chieflie reckons by,
A priuat chaunce, the death of his curft wife:
This is to him the dearest memorie,
And th'happiest accident of all his life.
In Marcum 21
When Marcus comes frō Mins, he stil doth sweare
By, come a seauen, that all is loft and gone,
Bu
•
thats not true, for he hath lost his hayre
Onely for that, he came too much at one.
In Ciprium 22
The fine youth Ciprius is more tierse and neate,
Then the new garden of the olde Temple is,
And stil the newest fashion he doth get,
And with the time doth chaung from that to this,
He weares a hat now of the flat crown-block,
The treble ruffes, long cloake, & doublet french:
He takes Tobacco, and doth weare a locke,
And wastes more time in d
•
essing then a Wench.
Yet this new-fangled youth, made for these tims,
Doth aboue al, praise olde Gascoines rimes.
In Cineam 23.
Whē Cineas comes amōgst his friends in morning
He sliely lookes who first his cap doth moue:
Him he salutes, the rest so grimly scorning,
As if for euer they had lost his loue.
I knowing how it doth the humour sit,
Of this fond gull to be saluted first:
catch at my cap, but moue it not a whit:
Which perceiuing he seemes for spite to burst.
But cineas, why expect you more of me,
Then I of you? I am as good a man,
And better too by many a quallitie
For vault, and daunce, & fence & rime I can,
You keep a whore at your own charg men tel me.
Indeede friend (cineas) therein you excell me.
In Gallum 24
Gallus hath bin this Sommer time in Friesland,
And now returned he speakes such warlike wordes
As if I coulde their English vnderstand,
I feare me they would cut my Throat like swordes
He talkes of counterscarfes and casomates,
Of parapets, of curteneys and Pallizadois,
Of flankers, Rauelings, gabions he prates,
And of false brayes, & sallies & scaladose:
But to require such gulling termes as these,
With wordes of my profession I replie:
I tel of foorching, vouchers, and counterpleas,
Of Wi
•
hernams, essoynes, and champartie.
so neyther of vs vnderstanding eyther,
We part as wise as when we came together.
In Decium 25
Audacious Painters haue nine worthies made,
But Poet Decius more audacious farre,
Making his mistres march with men of warre,
With title of tenth worthlie doth her lade,
Me thinkes that gul did vse his termes as fit,
which termde his loue a Giant for hir wit.
In Gellam 26
If gellas beautie be examined
she hath a dull dead eye, a saddle nose,
An ill shapte face, with morpheu ouerspread,
and rotten Teeth which she in laughing showes.
Brieflie she is the filthyest wench in Towne,
of all that do the art of whooring vse:
But when she hath put on her sattin gowne,
Her out lawne apron, & her veluert shooes.
Her greene silk stockings, and her peticoate,
Of Taffa
•
ie, with golden frindge a-rounde:
And is withall perfumed with ciuet hot,
which doth her valiant stinking breath confounde
Yet she with these addicions is no mo
•
e,
Then a sweete, filthie, fine ill fauored whoore.
In Sillam 27
Silla is often challenged to the fielde,
To answere like a gentleman his foes,
but when doth he his only answere yeelde,
That he hath liuings & faire lands to lose.
Silla, if none but beggars valiant were,
The king of spaine woulde put vs all in feare.
In Sillam 28
Who dares affirme that Silla dare not fight?
when I dare sweare he dares aduenture more,
Then the most braue, most all da
•
ing wight:
That euer armes with resollucion bore.
He that da
•
e touch the most vnholsome whoore,
That euer was retirde into the spittle:
and da
•
es court wenches standing at a dore,
The porcion of his wit being passing litle.
He that dares giue his deerest friendes offences,
which other valiant fooles do feare to do:
and when a feuer doth confounde his sences,
dare eate raw biefe, & drinke strong wine thereto.
He that dares take Tobacco on the stage,
dares man a whore at noon-day throgh the street
dares daunce in Powles, & in this formall age,
dares say & do what euer is vnmeete.
Whom fea
•
e of shame coulde neuer yet asfright,
Who dares affirme that Silla dares not fight?
In Haywodum 29
Haywood which in Epigrams did excell,
Is now put down since my light muse arose:
As buckets are put downe into a well,
Or as a schoole-boy putteth downe his hose.
In Dacum 30
Amongst the Poets Dacus numbred is,
Yet could he neuer make an english rime,
but some prose speeches I haue hearde of his,
which haue bin spoken many a dundreth time.
The man that keepes the Eliphant hath one,
wherein he tels the wonders of the beast.
An other Bankes pronounced long a goe,
when he his curtalls qualities exprest:
He first taught him that keepes the monuments,
At Westminster his formall tale to say.
And also him with Puppets represents,
and also him which with the Ape doth play
Though all his poetrre be like to this,
Amongst the Poets numbred is.
In Priscum 31
VVhhen Priscus raisde from low to high estate
•
Rode through the streete in pompous iollitie,
Caius his poore famillier friende of late,
be-spake him thus, Sir now you know not me:
Tis likely friende (quoth Priscus) to be so,
For at this time my selfe I do not know.
In Brunum 32
Brunus which thinkes him selfe a faite sweet youth
is Thirtie nine yeeres of age at least:
Yet was he neuer to confesse the truth,
but a dry starueling when he was at best.
T
•
is gull was sick to shew his night cap fine,
and his wrought Pillow ouerspred with lawne:
but hath bin well since his griefes cause hath line,
At Trollups by saint Clements church in pawne.
In Francum 33
When Francus comes to sollace with his whoore
He sends for rods and strips himselfe stark naked:
For his lust sleepes, and will not rise before,
by whipping of the wench it be awaked.
I enuie him not, but wish he had the powre,
To make my selfe his wench but one halfe houre
In Castorem 34
Of speaking well, why do we learne the skill,
Hoping thereby honor and wealth to gaine.
Sith rayling Castor doth by speaking ill,
Oppinion of much wit, and golde obtaine.
In Septimum 35
Septimus liues, and is like Garlicke seene,
for though his head be white, his blade is greene.
This olde mad coult deserues a Martires praise,
For he was burned in Queene Maries dayes.
Of Tobacco 36
Homer of Moly, and Nepenthe sings,
Moly the Gods most soueraigne hearbe diuine.
Nepenthe Hekens drinke with gladnes brings,
harts g
•
iefe expells, & doth the wits refine.
but this our age an other worlde ha
•
h founde,
frō whēce an hearb of heauēly power is brought,
Moly is not so soueraigne for a wounde,
nor hath Nepenthe so great wonders wrought.
It is Tobacco, whose sweet substanciall fume,
The hellish torment of the Teeth doth ease
By drawing downe, & drying vp the rume,
The mother and the nurs of ech disease.
it is Tobacco which doth colde expell,
and cleeres the obstructions of the a
•
teries,
and surfets threatning death digesteth well,
decocting all the stomacks crudities.
It is Tobacco which hath power to clarifie,
The clowdie mistes before dim eies appea
•
ing,
It is Tobacco which hath power to rarefie,
The thick grose humour which doth stop the hearing,
The wasting Hectick and the quartaine feuer,
which doth of Phisick make a mocke
•
ie:
The gowt it cures, & helps il breaths for euer,
Whether the cause in Teeth or stomacke be.
And though ill breaths, were by it but confounded
Yet that Medicine it doth far excell,
Which by sir Thomas Moore hath bin propoūded.
For this is thought a gentleman-like smell,
O th
•
t I were one of thiese mountie bankes,
which praise their oyles, & pouders which they sel
my customers would giue me coyne with thankes.
I for this ware, forsoo
•
h a Tale would tell,
Yet would I vse none of these tearmes before,
I would hut say, that it the pox wil cure:
This were inough, without discoursing more,
All our braue gallants in the towne t'alure,
In Crassum 37
Crassus his lies are not pernitious lies,
But pleasant fictions, hurtfull vnto none:
But to himselfe, for no man counts him wise,
To tell for truth, that which for false is knowne.
he sweares that Caunt is threescore miles about,
and that the bridge at Pa
•
is on the Seine,
is of such thicknes, lēgth & breadth, throghout
that sixscore arches can it scarse sustaine.
He sweares he saw so great a dead mans scull,
At Canterbury digde out of the grounde:
That woulde containe of wheat, three bushels ful
And that in Kent, are twentie yeomen founde,
Of which the poorest euery yeere dispendes,
Fiue thousand pound these & v. thousand moe,
So oft he hath recited to his friendes,
that now himselfe, perswades himselfe tis so:
But why doth Crassus tel his lies so rife,
Of bridges, Townes, and things that haue no life.
He is a lawyer, and doth wel espie,
That for such lies an action will not lie.
In philonem 38
Philo the lawyer and the fortune teller,
The schoolemaister, the midwife & the bawde,
The conjurer, the buyer and the seller,
Of painting which with breathing wil be thawde.
doth practise Phisicke, & his credite growes,
as doth the ballade-singers auditorie.
which hath at Tēple bar his standing chose,
and to the vnlgar sings an ale-house storie.
First standes a Porter, then an Oyster wife,
Doth stint her crie, & stay her steps to heare him,
Then comes a cutpurfe ready with a Knife,
and then a cuntrey. Client passeth neere him,
There stāds the Cunstable, there stāds the whore.
And harkning to the song mark not ech other.
There by the Serieant standes the debtor poore,
and doth no mo
•
e mistrust him then his brother:
Thus Orpheus
•
o such hearers giueth Musique,
And Philo to such Patients giueth phisicke.
In Fuscum 39
Fuscus is free, and hath the worlde at will,
Yet in the cour
•
e of li
•
e that he doth leade:
hees like a ho
••
e which turning rounde a mill,
doth alwaies in the selfe same circle treade:
Fi
•
st he doth rise at X. and at eleuen
He go
•
s to Gilles, where he doth eate till one,
Then sees he a play till sixe, & sups at seauen,
and after supper, straight to bed is gone.
and there til tenne next day he doth remaine,
and then he dines, then sees a commedie:
and then he suppes, & goes to bed againe,
Thus rounde he runs without va
•
ietie:
Saue that sometimes he comes not to the play,
But falls into a whoore house by the way.
In Afrum 40
The smell feast after, Trauailes to the Burse
Twice euery day the flying newes to heare,
which when he hath no money in his purse,
To rich mens Tables he doth often be are:
He tels how Gronigen is taken in,
by the braue conduct of illustrious Vere:
and how the spainish forces Brest would win,
but that they do Victorious Norris feare.
No sooner is a ship at Sea Surprisde,
but straight he learnes the newes & doth disclose it,
faire written in a scrowle he hath the names,
of all the widowes which the plague hath made.
and persons, Times & places, still he frames,
To euery Tale, the better to perswade:
We cal him Fame, for that the wide-mouth slaue,
will eate as fast as he wil vtter lies
For Fame is saide an hundreth mouthes to haue,
And he eates more then woulde fiue score suffice.
In paulum 41
By lawfull mart, & by vnlawfull stealth,
Paules in spite of enuie fortunate:
De
•
ues out of the Oceans so much wealth,
as he may well maintaine a Lordes estate.
But on the lande a little gulfe there is,
wherein he drowneth all the wealth of his.
In Licum 42
Lycus which lately is to Venice gone,
shall if he do returne, gaine 3 for one:
But x to one, his knowledg and his wit,
vvil not be bettered or increasde a vvhit.
In Publium 43
Publius student at the common lavv,
oft leaues his bookes, & for his recreation:
To Paris garden doth himselfe Withdravve,
Where he is rauisht vvith such delectation
as dovvne amongst the Beares & dogges he goes,
vvere vvhilst he skipping cries To head, To head.
His Satten doublet & his veluet hose,
Are all vvith spittle from aboue be-spread.
When he is like a Fathers cuntrey hall,
stinking vvith dogges, & muted al vvith haukes,
and
•
ightly too on him this filth do
•
h fall,
Which for such fil
•
hie spo
•
s
•
is bookes
•
orsake,
Leauing olde P
•
oyden, Dier & Brooke alone,
To see olde Harry Hunkes & Saca
•
son.
In Sillam 44
When I this proposition had defended,
A covvarde cannot be an honest man,
T
•
ou Silla seemest foorthvvith to be offended:
And
•
oldes the cont
•
arie & svveres he can.
But when I
•
el thee that he will forsake
his dearest friend, in perill of his life,
Thou then art changde & saist thou didst mistake,
and so we ende our argument & strife.
Yet I thinke oft, & thinke I thinke a right,
Thy argument argues thou wilt not fight.
In Dacum 45
Dacus with some good cellour & pretence,
Tearmes his loues beautie silent eloquence:
For she doth lay more collours on her face,
Then euer Tullie vsde hig speech to grace.
In Marcum 46
Why dost thou Marcus in thy miserie,
Rai
•
e & blaspheme, & call the heauens vn-kinde,
The heauens draw no Kindenesse vnto thee,
Thou hast the heauens so litle in thy minde
fo
•
in thy life thou neuer vsest prayer,
But at p
•
imero, to encounter faire.
Meditations of a Gull. 47
See yonder melancholie gentleman,
Which hoode-winked wi
•
h his ha
•
, alone doth sit,
T
•
inke what he thinkes & tell me if you can,
VVhat great affaires troubles his litle wit.
he thinkes not of the war twixt F
•
ance & spaine
VVhether it be for Europs good o
•
ill,
Nor whether the Empie can it selfe maintaine
Against the Turkish power encroching stil.
Nor what g
•
ea
•
Towne in all the ne
•
her landes,
The sta
•
es determine to besiege this spring
Nor how the scottish po
•
licie now standes,
Nor what becomes of ths I
•
sh mu
•
ining.
But he doth seriouslie bethinke him whether
Of the guld people he be more esteemde,
For his long cloake, or his great blacke Feather,
By which each gull is now a gallant deemde.
Or of a Iourney he deliberates,
To Pa
••
s garden cocke-pit or the play:
Or how to steale a dogge he medi
•
ates,
Or what he he shall vnto his mist
•
is say:
Yet with these Thoughts he thinks himselfe most fi
•
To be of Counsell with a King for wit.
Ad Musam 48.
Peace idle muse,, haue done, for it is time,
Since lowsie Ponticus ensues my fame,
And sweares the better sort are much to blame
To make me so wel knowne for ill rime
Yet Bankes his horse is better knowne then he,
so are the Cammels & the westerne hog,
And so is Lepidus hie p
•
inted dogge.
why doth not Ponticus their fames enuie.
Besides this muse of mine, & the blacke fether.
grew both together fresh in estimation,
and both growne stale, were cast away togither:
What fame is this t
•
at scarse lasts out a fashion.
Onely this last in credit doth remaine,
That frō henceforth, ech bastard castforth rime
which doth but sauour of a Libel vaine.
shal call me father, and be thought my crime,
so dull & with so litle sence endude,
is my grose headed iudge the multitude.
FINIS.
I, D.